A sociopath looks deep into your eyes.
“I never loved anyone like I love you,” he says. “We are so special together. People will never understand why we’re so attracted to each other. They say we shouldn’t be together, but they’re just jealous about the intensity of our love. Love can overcome anything, you know. It’s you and me against the world, kid!”
With words like these, sociopaths launch one of their most important strategies: Isolating you from friends and family.
It doesn’t seem that way at first. In the beginning, sociopaths want to be with you all the time. They proclaim that they are so wrapped up in you that they can’t bear to be apart, and it feels flattering to be so desired. Slowly, this morphs into the sociopath always wanting to know where you are, which morphs into jealousy if you spend time with anyone else, including your family and long-time friends.
They want you all to themselves. Not because they love you, despite their flowery proclamations. It’s because they want to control you.
Isolation tactics
Sociopaths employ many tactics to keep you from the people who love you. Here are a few of them:
- Sociopaths intercept phone calls and mail, and “neglect” to give you messages.
- Sociopaths purposely insult or pick fights with your family and friends, so that the people you know find it easier to just stay away.
- Sociopaths say they are “protecting” you from the people who want to drive the two of you apart.
- If you do see your family and friends, the sociopaths call and text constantly, interrupting your visit and making others uncomfortable.
- Sociopaths make up lies about what friends and family are saying about you.
- Sociopaths lie to family and friends about you, trying to turn them against you.
- Sociopaths rage at you when you leave, and rage again when you come home.
- Eventually, sociopaths forbid you to have contact with family and friends.
My experience
I remember how James Montgomery worked it with me. At first, he was solicitous towards my family. But nine months after we met, my family was suspicious of him, and my brother wanted to run a credit check. I knew Montgomery’s credit was bad—he’d already told me so, put expenses on my credit cards, and wiped out my savings.
I informed Montgomery, in anger, about my family’s concern. His first reaction was to tearfully ask if I wanted him to leave. Believing that my husband was working towards out mutual good, and wanting to get my money back as he consistently promised, I said no, we’d stay married.
But from that point on, he used the incident to drive a wedge between me and my family. He refused to attend my other brother’s wedding reception, stating that he wouldn’t go where he wasn’t welcome. He raged that I was an adult, I’d made my decision to marry him, and in some places people could be sued for interfering with a marriage. He disparaged my family and friends.
So as life with my husband became worse and worse, there was no one for me to talk to about it.
Pleas from family members
Isolation takes away your support system. When your contact with other people is limited, it enables the sociopaths to control the information you receive. And the more control they exercise, the more you lose your sense of self.
Periodically, Lovefraud receives distraught calls and e-mails from people who have lost sons, daughters or other family members to sociopaths. They want their loved ones to return, but the victims refuse. The sociopaths have so much power over them that it seems like the victims are lost forever.
The sad thing is that frequently, very little can be done until the victim himself or herself is ready to end the involvement. Psychologically, Dr. Liane Leedom explains, the victim has to take on his or her own distress. If family and friends are distressed, they are carrying what should be the victim’s emotional burden. For healing to begin, it’s up to the victim to start making a change.
For more information on this, read Dr. Leedom’s blog, How can I get my _____ away from the psychopathic con artist?
Find the strength
Are you in this position? Has a sociopath separated you from all your friends and family, so that you feel like you have nowhere to go?
Know this: If the sociopath is the one telling you that your friends and family want nothing to do with you, that the sociopath is the only one who loves you, there’s an excellent chance that he or she is lying.
If you’ve always had a good, or at least decent, relationship with friends and family, they’re probably worried sick about you, and willing to help you escape the prison built by the sociopath.
All you need to do is find the strength to contact them.
Dear Dani, thank you sweetie, I DO know that NOW! And I really didn’t mean to SOUND like I’m hard on myself NOW, because I no longer am beating myself up, Stilll I DO wish I had known some of these things earlier—both for my sake and the sake of everyone involved. For example, if I hadn’t been an enabler I would have cut the P son loose at 17 when he first became involved in felonies and I love this one, when I went to the jail to pick him up he looked at me and my husband and said “What the FURK took you so long?”
I actually turned and left him there and told the cop to take him back upstairs that there was a “mistake” the couldn’t be my son because MY son wouldn’t talk to me like that!
Of course he cried and called back and I eventually did take him back—-but made the judge put a monitor on his ankle (early GPS type thing) but he cut it off and jumped bail and fled the state. I should never have talked to him again. EVER. But I understand WHY I did, and all the details. I just have 20:20 HINDSIGHT NOW. But no longer beat myself up about it.
I WISH I looked like I did when I was 25 too—but I don’t beat myself up about that either! LOL
Yea, the PRIDE THING is a tough one…which is one reason that after I left my mother’s roof I never asked her for anything. She would have smeared my nose in it. I did BORROW money from her too pay my kids’ private school tuition, but I PAID IT BACK WITH INTEREST because I never wanted her to be able to FLING it in my face. Funny thing, since I had never taken a dime from her I had never paid back (I would have starved first!!!) she ACCUSED ME OF TRYING TO STEAL HER MONEY!!!! LOL
She had been OFFERING ME MONEY UNSOLICITED since the time of my husband’s death “Do you need any money, dear?” and I would say “No, I’m fine, thanks for asking.” She would look at me and say “You wouldn’t take it if you DID NEED IT would you?” and I would say, “Yep, that’s right, but I DON’T need it, I’m FINE!” (all true) I had learned with my X-H’s parents that you should “beware of Greeks bearing gifts”—and that some people will give you “gifts” as a way to CONTROL you. A true GIFT is one with no strings, but some people give you things wrapped up like gifts but are really “down payments on control.” I realize that somehow even though I didn’t totally “get it” at that time that my GUT knew that was what my egg donor was doing, or trying to do, and she was frustrated that I wouldn’t BITE at the lure of “free money” that she held out to me.
Now I know what that LOOK on her face was, it meant “Damn, I can’t buy control over you, what AM I to do?” LOL ROTFLMAO
I DID learn that financial independence from her though. She was very prideful that she never owed anyone a dime. So am I. Funny thing though, I think it is for PARTLY DIFFERENT reasons.
She jumped on the P-DIL and the Trojan Horse P jumping to her every command (they were after $$$) but she didn’t bite that THEY would CHEAT on the arrangement instead of being good little slaves—she was dumbfounded when they STOLE MORE and literally screamed “But they were always so RESPECTFUL!” Kind of made me think of “Ole Massa” screaming those same words when he found out his slaves had escaped north!
You can’t BUY respect, and you can’t FORCE respect! You EARN respect. The egg donor and “Ole Massa” just didn’t get it! LOL
OMG Donna…. you describe exactly what happened to me! down to the very opening line ..“I never loved anyone like I love you,” …..etc. word for word! unbelievable.
In the confussion of thinking he was “the one for me” and I should listen to “my man”, spend all my free time with him, I lost communications with my sons, some other family members and friends. Above all I lost self respect and dignity! all of which I am currently slowly re-gaining.
The S in my life has plenty of money…in fact he is a millionare, but he was incredibly cheap, frugal and at the same time used his money to try to entrap me in to believing that I would want for nothing if I moved in with him…which luckely I never did.
Donna, I’m reading your book and I found another interesting parallel that was just like my ex-S…..a very inocuous one….you mention several ltimes that when you were sitting together he would offer his hand out to you with his palm up waiting for you to place your hand in it! This is exactly what he did all the time. Curious.
Thank you for the book, this site and this terrific post!
Love, Aeylah
One of my sisters and my narcisstic father (whom at first thought the S was the perfect man for me) wrote the S out completely, after a while they would not welcome him into any family functions. I was forbidden to bring him around. At the same time, my sons would not come over if he was here or would leave the house if he showed up. This created an even deeper wedge between my family and I and more rage from the S whenever I would spend time with my family.
My friends didn’t like him either….we were never envited as a couple to any functions after they got to know him. Of course the few times he did agree to go to a function with me, he was allways either standing by himself, waiting outside or hitting on the women.
It was amazing to me how our families and friends pick up on the vibrations and behaviour they put out, while we wear blinders.
Donna,
This is so true, all the mind games to get us under their control. I’m sure that many of us had the experience of the spath using isolation to get us in their complete control. Being completely obedient.
Mine would like for people to believe he was magnanimous so covert signs of isolation would not be visible. It would be more like, we should spend family time together at the cabin, instead of going to my nephews high school graduation. You should not take the promotion, we can’t possibly BOTH have a management postition, it just wouldn’t work. Someone needs to be home for the kids.
You shouldn’t work on Sundays (my only day of work), Sundays are a day for family time. This means he watches football while I care for the kids. And when he says family time, he means his family only. Because they were PERFECT! He would make jokes about my dad. Granted, my dad is narcisstic, but he would be the brunt of jokes with spath and his friends.
And my family was never good enough. My friends he would ignore, unless they were women and attractive (big chests would give them attention too). His friends were our friends, they were better after all.
Oh, he moved me right away out of state. Saving me from my messed up family. I was rescued! Yay me! I was so not taking responsibilty for my own life. He moved his first wife out of state too. Somewhere in North Dakota by the border of Canada. Ding, Ding, Ding. The bells went off when I figured out that he would rather have me away from my family and completely helpless. Or hapless.
But of course, it was always for the good of the family. He cares about me so much he just wants us to be together forever. He would tell the kids that mom likes to go out and party when I play bunco once a month.
I got controlling too, and I have to learn to forgive myself for that. I tried to stop him from playing in a band because I was insecure. I didn’t trust him. He could really say that I isolated him as well. I never want to go back to that and I will learn from it and stay healthy.
I guess I got on another “talk about me” rant. Thanks for letting me share.
Aeylah,
” friends didn’t like him either”.we were never envited as a couple to any functions after they got to know him. Of course the few times he did agree to go to a function with me, he was allways either standing by himself, waiting outside or hitting on the women.”
This is it exactly! He was like the lone wolf. Dark and mysterious, too good for casual conversation with the little people. He was a good ‘ole boy when he was with his friends, quick witted and always joking. My friends, not so much. Especially uncomfortable around other men, or not giving them the time of day.
We’re lucky they are all so much alike and can be spotted.
There are reasons they fool us because we love them. But, that is curable too.
We’re lucky to be here and to know what we’ve ;earned.
It makes me even more grateful for my family.
Wow – just had a huge trigger when Oxy said, “Some people use gifts as a way to control you”. My ex spath used to say that I should not have any “expectations” of him regardless of the overwhelming amount I put into the relationship versus his NOTHING. If I gave him gifts or paid for vacations, he would preemptively tell me not to expect anything in return, lest I be “controlling him” with my gifts. He refused to give me gifts on holidays, etc. saying virtually every holiday was “too commercial” and they were all “just tactics to make us mindless consumers”.
Right.
I’m the kind of person who’ll see something and think, “Oh so-and-so would LOVE that!”. The spath told me I was trying to “buy” people’s affection because I couldn’t make friends on my own. Actually – I had a lot of friends before I met him! It’s been almost a year since I’ve seen him, and I’m only now starting to building those friendships again. Most of the friends I used to have don’t talk to me anymore. It was pretty upsetting to them that I allowed myself to stay with such a horrible person for so long, and I think maybe they just got tired of watching the train wreck over and over again. That’s okay… there’s a lot of new friends to be made, right?! It takes a while to rebuild your life, I can tell you that. I was not lucky enough to have a supportive family, so I’ve had to pick up the pieces completely on my win.
Thanks for the *timely* article.
Hopeforjoy,
“Especially uncomfortable around ohter men”….exactly! mine didn’t have any men friends…the ones he claimed were “friends” were just business opportunities…he went as far as admitting that it was a waste of time to have friends unless you could get something from them!
Freemama,
The S in my life had the same thoughts and behaviour about gift giving. He never gave gifts for hollidays or birthdays…ever! I noticed that when he did give a gift, there was allways something in it for him, or there was a price to be paid in one way or another.
Amazing how they are all cut out of the same mold.
Dear Freemama,
I love giving GIFTS to people and in fact, I can’t stand it if I pass something and think “Oh, WOW! X would love that, I’ll get it for their birthday” and I buy it but I can NEVER wait til the birthday so I give it to them ASAP! Almost but not quite that bad with Christmas.
My gifts are not huge things or very costly but smaller things that I know they would enjoy. Like when I went to Texas last year my son D who works for the Boy Scouts and is an Eagle and has been in scouting forever loves old scout mags, and I found one from the year he was born in MINT CONDITION in an “antique” (junk) store and paid $2 for it! HE WAS THRILLED.
I’m not much of a jewelry wearer, and don’t have a great deal of jewelry, but did have a beautiful opal in 18 K to wear on a chain that my BGF had admired for a long time. I realized I never wore it and it would look beautiful on her and she WOULD wear it “all the time” so the last time she came up here I gave it to her. She was awed and loved the gift.
My family hasn’t gotten anyone “big” gifts in a long long time, just small things that are “special” because we really have everything we NEED and most of what we WANT—so why spend a bunch of money just because it is a holiday? Ii don’t need anything else to DUST and no places left to hang anything on the wall.
GIFTS are ways to say “I love you and I think this will please you” not out of OBLIGATION. And a GIFT is something that does not have to be repaid—nor extracted in BLOOD later with “after all I have done for you and you won’t do this for me?”
Sure, friendship should not be “one sided”—in other words if I come help you move 10 times and when I really need help to move, you are too busy with your manicure appointment, I would sort of get the idea that you were more on the TAKING end of the “friendship” than on the MUTUAL SIDE….so don’t expect me to help you move again next time.
However, most of the time when you see a relationship or a friendship that is GIVE AND TAKE without a lot of “keeping score” on either side it is a solid one, but if one side starts to be HIGH ON THE TAKE AND LOW ON THE GIVE END, then probably that “friendship” has run its course.
I had a friend since college that we had been very give and take since college, and I considered him almost like a brother. Loaned him money, he paid me back, traded tools and gave each other gifts, then I noticed he started to get GREEDY here and there. Nothing BIG but just very selfish—-then, lo and behold he cheated me out of $56 bucks. A LOUSY 56 DOLLARS, but I confronted him about it and kicked him to the curb! Boy, it was almost like arguing with a psychopath (though he isn’t a P) but talk about trying to make it MY FAULT that he cheated me. WOW! Sounded like some of the people on the Judge Judy show! LOL ROTFLMAO He just didn’t get it that I don’t do cheat, lie or dishonesty! AND I DON’T TOLERATE IT EITHER. Haven’t seen him since. NO loss. Just took me 23 years to really get to know him better. Fortunately I wasn’t ever romantically involved with him. We were just “buddies.”
Still I hate it, we had good times, but when someone violates that DISHONEST boundary, whether it is $56 bucks or $56 thousand, I’m DONE!
.
My ex S complained and caused fights with me when my Father was dieing of pancreatic cancer. I was the only one in the family who was availbale to care for him in his last few weeks of life, and my ex S would get angry and tell me that it was unfair that I was with my father taking care of him when I should have been home doing my wifely duties taking care of my husband. My Father died within 2 weeks of his diagnosis. To this day I still harbor the anger and hate toward my ex for acting like such a child and causing me the extra un needed stress instead of supporting me.