A sociopath looks deep into your eyes.
“I never loved anyone like I love you,” he says. “We are so special together. People will never understand why we’re so attracted to each other. They say we shouldn’t be together, but they’re just jealous about the intensity of our love. Love can overcome anything, you know. It’s you and me against the world, kid!”
With words like these, sociopaths launch one of their most important strategies: Isolating you from friends and family.
It doesn’t seem that way at first. In the beginning, sociopaths want to be with you all the time. They proclaim that they are so wrapped up in you that they can’t bear to be apart, and it feels flattering to be so desired. Slowly, this morphs into the sociopath always wanting to know where you are, which morphs into jealousy if you spend time with anyone else, including your family and long-time friends.
They want you all to themselves. Not because they love you, despite their flowery proclamations. It’s because they want to control you.
Isolation tactics
Sociopaths employ many tactics to keep you from the people who love you. Here are a few of them:
- Sociopaths intercept phone calls and mail, and “neglect” to give you messages.
- Sociopaths purposely insult or pick fights with your family and friends, so that the people you know find it easier to just stay away.
- Sociopaths say they are “protecting” you from the people who want to drive the two of you apart.
- If you do see your family and friends, the sociopaths call and text constantly, interrupting your visit and making others uncomfortable.
- Sociopaths make up lies about what friends and family are saying about you.
- Sociopaths lie to family and friends about you, trying to turn them against you.
- Sociopaths rage at you when you leave, and rage again when you come home.
- Eventually, sociopaths forbid you to have contact with family and friends.
My experience
I remember how James Montgomery worked it with me. At first, he was solicitous towards my family. But nine months after we met, my family was suspicious of him, and my brother wanted to run a credit check. I knew Montgomery’s credit was bad—he’d already told me so, put expenses on my credit cards, and wiped out my savings.
I informed Montgomery, in anger, about my family’s concern. His first reaction was to tearfully ask if I wanted him to leave. Believing that my husband was working towards out mutual good, and wanting to get my money back as he consistently promised, I said no, we’d stay married.
But from that point on, he used the incident to drive a wedge between me and my family. He refused to attend my other brother’s wedding reception, stating that he wouldn’t go where he wasn’t welcome. He raged that I was an adult, I’d made my decision to marry him, and in some places people could be sued for interfering with a marriage. He disparaged my family and friends.
So as life with my husband became worse and worse, there was no one for me to talk to about it.
Pleas from family members
Isolation takes away your support system. When your contact with other people is limited, it enables the sociopaths to control the information you receive. And the more control they exercise, the more you lose your sense of self.
Periodically, Lovefraud receives distraught calls and e-mails from people who have lost sons, daughters or other family members to sociopaths. They want their loved ones to return, but the victims refuse. The sociopaths have so much power over them that it seems like the victims are lost forever.
The sad thing is that frequently, very little can be done until the victim himself or herself is ready to end the involvement. Psychologically, Dr. Liane Leedom explains, the victim has to take on his or her own distress. If family and friends are distressed, they are carrying what should be the victim’s emotional burden. For healing to begin, it’s up to the victim to start making a change.
For more information on this, read Dr. Leedom’s blog, How can I get my _____ away from the psychopathic con artist?
Find the strength
Are you in this position? Has a sociopath separated you from all your friends and family, so that you feel like you have nowhere to go?
Know this: If the sociopath is the one telling you that your friends and family want nothing to do with you, that the sociopath is the only one who loves you, there’s an excellent chance that he or she is lying.
If you’ve always had a good, or at least decent, relationship with friends and family, they’re probably worried sick about you, and willing to help you escape the prison built by the sociopath.
All you need to do is find the strength to contact them.
Dear Tiredofgames,
Yep! Your dad was so “inconsiderate” to die—inconvenience your X by keeping you from doing your wifely duties! NOT!!!!!
I’m glad you were able to be there for your Dad, and I am sure he appreciated it too. POX UPON the psychopath!
Dani S,
Your ex-hspath said to you, “if you go to your parents for anything, you know we are over because it would be the ultimate BETRAYAL OF MY LOVE.” Sociopaths literally don’t know the true meaning of betrayal, doing it all the time to their “loved ones.” God forbid that they should experience a betrayal, but it’s okay for them to betray anyone and everyone in their little world, being double-minded people.
Freemama and OxD–
Wow! I cannot believe how many similarities there are with just this one thing-gift giving. or, rather NO gift giving.
My exspath was the same. He gave me gifts when we were dating (bought me grape earrings when he went to napa, drew me a picture of me, bought me a fish necklace when he went to Alaska-small but cute ideas that I appreciated). After we got married he would never give me gifts for any holidays. He said things like someone above mentioned….the mindless materialism of holidays etc. Or he’d say “I don’t care about birthdays” and since he said that he really meant I don’t want to bother trying to find something to give someone else. He also would be ticked off in a big way if I bought my daughter small 30$ things like a sand box…”You need to consult me first before you buy things for her”. WHATEVER! I am like you freemama and OxD-I’ll see something and think so and so would love this. I like to give gifts on “off season” meaning I like to give gifts just for the heck of it and if I do buy something for xmas or bday I can’t wait to give it on that day either. I have to give it early! I love giving gifts. It is so fun. I used to be so thoughtful and got so brain washed being with x. I now am back to my gift giving and offering of myself for others….
My x never bought me a gift for xmas or bday. I told him out of all the holidays those two holidays were the most important in my mind. I’m really easy to buy for, too. I am not someone he couldn’t please. Anything I bought him he invariably broke it. The day of our wedding I bought him a wedding present. He said “OH, are we supposed to buy each other a present on our wedding day?” (he had been married before, too!) I said, “Oh, I just wanted to give this to you” not wanting him to feel badly…(I heard his sister tell him “yes idiot, you were supposed to buy her something). So, he opened up the gift. It was a vintage watch (I collect these) I got it because he wanted to have a nice watch to wear for “functions” and this was beautiful. It was very unique, had a pinkgold face and green aligator band (sounds weird but it was awesome) and he immediately dropped it on the stone floor and broke it. He didn’t even say sorry. He didn’t say he l liked it or even thank you. That was the start of gift giving scenarios with him. He broke 75% of his gifts.
Then when he did give me something it was always something he wanted. One xmas he gave me an American girl doll! Seriously? I am a grown woman and even as a little girl didn’t play with dolls!
On Father’s Day I “made” a book for him from our D. I used color crayons for the text (it was supposed to be written by our D-she was 2) and titled “14 things I LOVE to do with my papa”. Each page had a photo of them doing whatever one of the 14 things….biking, making coffee together every am, etc. It was really a great gift and I was proud of thinking of it and doing it. I lamenated the pages and had them bound so they could read it every night together. He didn’t say anything about it. I was crushed. And when mother’s day came around I got nothing. Not even breakfast!
I sound like a baby I realize here…but it was more the principle not the actual gift as I am sure you all understand.
He would use the idea that we spend so much money as a society when others have nothing and then make us feel bad at xmas time if we had a lot of gifts under the tree. But he’d buy himself an 8000$ custom made bicycle! and 5k$ kayak.
Tiredofgames—when my mom was first dx with breast cancer 6 years ago (just before I left him) he did the same thing. I was focused on helping her find a surgeon and get good care and also grieve…and he was picking fights, making life horrid and being unsupportive…I was furious. It was worse then normal the picking fights….it was like he upped the ante when my mom was diagnosed.
These people are just nightmares. I have no tolerance for anyone even close to this…my friend of 25 years (girlfriend) is a kind of gaslighter I see now. The past 10 years have been difficult and I am seeing how its just not going to work to stay friends with her. I hate that but when I am around her I am uncomfortable and when I leave I always leave thinking “what just happened here?” and feeling off and bad about myself. It’s strange. I used to feel we made each other feel special, you know? But now it just feels bad.
When I left my xspath after 7 years of marriage and 3 years of therapy, working hard to make the marriage work in the midst of the emotional and financial abuse this friend of 25 years said to me “You should NOT get married again. You should just be a lesbian” (I had been married once before, a very long time ago..I waited 15 years after that first divorce to marry again). I thought she was kidding but she wasn’t. I was so hurt that she would say that..it was like saying “hey you are the one who caused all the problems so don’t bother trying that again.” This from a woman who has been married 26 years but having an affair for 17 of those years with the same guy. Her plan is to leave her husband after their 2nd child finishes college….she is basically using her husband right now financially. I have had a hard time with this information and have tried to talk to her to see what is going on with her. I convinced her to see a shrink for a while when it first started (the affair) and she did but it made her stronger, which was good for h er, but that “strength” made her sure of her decisions to continue the affair! So she tells me I shouldn’t’ remarry after leaving a creep yet she is having an affair. she said “I know my kids would never talk to me if they found out” and I said “How can you risk THAT?” Her poor husband is so sweet and he looks beaten. She thinks he doesn’t know but I can’t imagine that he doesn’t know or at least suspect. She says she and her husband have a great relationship! Wow, talk about denial.
Ok, the point of that was that I really have no more tolerance to deal with crap from anyone and I see my life getting better and better by having these boundaries and being assertive for myself. I want to teach my children how to stand up for themselves and what they believe in and not allow others to make them doubt themselves like I have done all my life. Each day I get stronger and smarter and trust my judgments and instincts about people. I am so done people pleasing at the expense of myself. I have never wanted to hurt others’ feelings but will hurt my own! NO MAS!!!
chinagirl,
What you say speaks to me. Basically, we need to be direct, have boundaries, and not let anyone abuse us, treating others the way we want to be treated (the Golden Rule).
Bluejay-exactly! Even with x spath (if I have to talk to him, email or text him) I am polite.I take the high road when around him that way he cannot get to me.
I feel better when I leave any encounter being respectful. We can have win/win encounters with people. It doesn’t have to be win/lose. Both can walk away feeling heard and respected. That is how I try to live now. However, I don’t always manage that! I do still yell at people who cut me off wihle driving!!! (yell at them in my car that is, not to their faces LOL)
Oxy,
that is amazing how a friend of 23 years finally shows their colors! How could he have hidden it so well for so long?
You said there were signs? Did he ever show any P behavior before? Any red flags BESIDES selfishness? narcissism?
I’m sorry you lost a friend, but maybe he was really a frenemy who never wanted good things for you but only for himself?
One thing I’ve noticed is that the P’s and N’s are some of the most likeable people you will ever meet. They are so charming on the one side, but the other side is filled with slime and they try to get it on you at every opportunity.
chinagirl,
I have a question – should I write a letter to an ex-friend who dropped me as a friend (while I was in the midst of hell courtesy of the h-spath). She is a social worker who had a private practice on the side as a psychotherapist (she was a friend, knowing about some of the things that my husband put me through, never cluing me into the fact that there could have been something seriously wrong with him). She knew that I suffered with depression, being bowled over by my experiences while still married to him. The ex-friend (also a hoarder, figuring this out on my own not too long ago) called me one morning and told me that she was dropping me as a friend because “that’s what I do.” I was stunned (kicking me when I was in a low place, I thought). I was crying (then still in the midst of hell), not giving me an explanation for why she ended the friendship. I remember she use to tell me, “when I first met you and your husband, I thought you were one of the happiest couples that I knew”, seemingly disappointed over the fact that in the present (at that time), we weren’t. Should I write her a letter (I’ve thought about doing this), letting her know how disappointed I was at being dropped as a friend, disclosing my own discovery about my husband? Or should I just drop the matter? I don’t understand her – most people wouldn’t think a friend (who also happened to be a psychotherapist) would drop someone who was being slammed with a lot within a short period of time, not offering any guidance to get through the tough times. Am I thinking correctly about this? Also, I wouldn’t want to resume the friendship with her, not trusting her.
Hello, hello! Haven’t been posting..my old computer crashed 3 months ago…just got another used one…woo-hoo!
Blujay, I just decided to leave a friend of 13+ years behind. She did see the ex=spath bf for who he was, but she was not there for me after I kicked him out and he stalked and slandered me.
Most recently, I am doing better, but because of the PTSD I need some help with organization and focus on my home. I finally find the agency to apply to, but when i called her 3 weeks ago crying and begging for help because I didn’t have a computer…she said…’well, I’m very busy.’
Enough…I don’t need people who hurt me in my life anymore. She been on unemployment for 2 years….always works part-time and never gets hired because of her personality. Am I going to tell her? No, because I’m nice. She let me down one too many times.
Hi bluejay-
I am humbled you asked me and I would put it out there for OxD and EB as well as they have been around a long time and have wisdom..
But it really sounds as though this “friend”, who is a social worker as well isn’t too healthy mentally. Obviously! I can’t understand how she would just call you and say sorry, I am not your friend. That is strange. I do have to say that not many therapists know much about sociopaths. I have two friends who are therapists, one is a social worker and their advice to me was ridiculous about my xspath. It made me feel so alone knowing even they didn’t know much. so I doubt she knows that much about the sociopathy to have helped you much in that area. But as a friend, to just leave you when you are down to me shows you she wasn’t a friend at all. (I, too, have had this happen when I left my xspath. Horrible feeling). It sounds like she was sort of living vicariously through you and your husband as “the happiest couple” and then when the chips were down she couldn’t handle that. She wanted to latch onto someone who was doing great but not stick around when the going gets tough. Realizing the people we thought of as friends are not our friends is really difficult. especially when we are feeling our lowest. it just adds to the burden and the insecurities that we have during this.
I am thinking that even if you wrote her a letter she wouldn’t get it. But think of it this way. First, think about why you would want to write the letter. What is your agenda in it? what is your agenda in sending it? Is it for closure for you? Is it because you want her to ‘get’ something, like understand something she did to you? Do you just feel like telling her off (as I would!!). If it’s for any of those reason I don’t think you’d feel good after sending it. I also don’t think she’d get it. When we have these kinds of agenda’s that motive is so unclean so to speak that it does nothing for our spirits, our hearts. if there is some kind of amends you feel you need to make to her (and it doesn’t sound like that at all) I’d wait. wait until you get stronger in your recovery from this awful situation. I usually ask a very trusted spiritual mentor or sponsor about sending those kinds of correspondance and I usually end up NOT sending them when i get some wise council. Whenever I have sent something like that I have always regretted it. I did something similar to some friend of mine who I felt was gaslighting me (at the time I didn’t know that term however and couldn’t figure out why I felt so crappy after each encounter with her) well, what happened was her husband told her that “No doubt she has relapsed because of sending that letter”. I had NOT relapsed but my motives were not pure in sending it (wanted her to get a piece of my mind and for her to change her behavior!!! ) and instead of taking it on and seeing if she had a part she completely put it back on me saying I only wrote the letter because I had relapsed. That was a farce!! LOL.
Maybe you could write out your feelings to this woman…get it all out, say what you want to say and then don’t send it. Maybe even burn it. Pray and give her over to God. That helps me more than anything and then I have left it in God’s hands. And not made an enemy in the process. You don’t want her back in your life and that sounds like a very good boundary but you won’t feel crappy because of sending it. You can walk away taking the higher road.
Hope that helps. I would ask OxD and EB and others what they think.
jazzy129,
Good to see you posting again. It hurts to have people drop you, especially when you’re going through CONFUSING times. I have thought about writing the ex-friend, but I tend to think that I shouldn’t bother. Letting her know that I am dealing with a person with an antisocial personality would explain a lot, that she (the expert) could have helped me (I assume), but she bailed, leaving me drowning. I hope karma kicks in, giving her some sour grapes in life. Can I be vindictive at times (not actually acting on my thoughts, just thinking them) – is that allowable?