A sociopath looks deep into your eyes.
“I never loved anyone like I love you,” he says. “We are so special together. People will never understand why we’re so attracted to each other. They say we shouldn’t be together, but they’re just jealous about the intensity of our love. Love can overcome anything, you know. It’s you and me against the world, kid!”
With words like these, sociopaths launch one of their most important strategies: Isolating you from friends and family.
It doesn’t seem that way at first. In the beginning, sociopaths want to be with you all the time. They proclaim that they are so wrapped up in you that they can’t bear to be apart, and it feels flattering to be so desired. Slowly, this morphs into the sociopath always wanting to know where you are, which morphs into jealousy if you spend time with anyone else, including your family and long-time friends.
They want you all to themselves. Not because they love you, despite their flowery proclamations. It’s because they want to control you.
Isolation tactics
Sociopaths employ many tactics to keep you from the people who love you. Here are a few of them:
- Sociopaths intercept phone calls and mail, and “neglect” to give you messages.
- Sociopaths purposely insult or pick fights with your family and friends, so that the people you know find it easier to just stay away.
- Sociopaths say they are “protecting” you from the people who want to drive the two of you apart.
- If you do see your family and friends, the sociopaths call and text constantly, interrupting your visit and making others uncomfortable.
- Sociopaths make up lies about what friends and family are saying about you.
- Sociopaths lie to family and friends about you, trying to turn them against you.
- Sociopaths rage at you when you leave, and rage again when you come home.
- Eventually, sociopaths forbid you to have contact with family and friends.
My experience
I remember how James Montgomery worked it with me. At first, he was solicitous towards my family. But nine months after we met, my family was suspicious of him, and my brother wanted to run a credit check. I knew Montgomery’s credit was bad—he’d already told me so, put expenses on my credit cards, and wiped out my savings.
I informed Montgomery, in anger, about my family’s concern. His first reaction was to tearfully ask if I wanted him to leave. Believing that my husband was working towards out mutual good, and wanting to get my money back as he consistently promised, I said no, we’d stay married.
But from that point on, he used the incident to drive a wedge between me and my family. He refused to attend my other brother’s wedding reception, stating that he wouldn’t go where he wasn’t welcome. He raged that I was an adult, I’d made my decision to marry him, and in some places people could be sued for interfering with a marriage. He disparaged my family and friends.
So as life with my husband became worse and worse, there was no one for me to talk to about it.
Pleas from family members
Isolation takes away your support system. When your contact with other people is limited, it enables the sociopaths to control the information you receive. And the more control they exercise, the more you lose your sense of self.
Periodically, Lovefraud receives distraught calls and e-mails from people who have lost sons, daughters or other family members to sociopaths. They want their loved ones to return, but the victims refuse. The sociopaths have so much power over them that it seems like the victims are lost forever.
The sad thing is that frequently, very little can be done until the victim himself or herself is ready to end the involvement. Psychologically, Dr. Liane Leedom explains, the victim has to take on his or her own distress. If family and friends are distressed, they are carrying what should be the victim’s emotional burden. For healing to begin, it’s up to the victim to start making a change.
For more information on this, read Dr. Leedom’s blog, How can I get my _____ away from the psychopathic con artist?
Find the strength
Are you in this position? Has a sociopath separated you from all your friends and family, so that you feel like you have nowhere to go?
Know this: If the sociopath is the one telling you that your friends and family want nothing to do with you, that the sociopath is the only one who loves you, there’s an excellent chance that he or she is lying.
If you’ve always had a good, or at least decent, relationship with friends and family, they’re probably worried sick about you, and willing to help you escape the prison built by the sociopath.
All you need to do is find the strength to contact them.
Sky,
We went to college together (he was a nurse 1 yr ahead of me) and we saw each other intemittently throughout the years, but we had been close for 3 yrs of school, as both were older students, then a few years ago he moved not to far from me and we started seeing each other more, doing things together, going to auctions etc. so it hadn’t been a CONTINUAL association throughout the entire 23 years but we had been very close as friends (like I said no romantic at all) but the last 6 months to a year he seemed to show some greedy aspects in some of the (very minor) transactions we had, I mean VERY minor financial stuff—and then we had a deal to buy some ducks together and made the purchase and at the last second he backed out (the baby ducks were already here) and when I said something about BACKING OUT of the deal, he said “No, I just changed it!” DUH! So anyway, I was so shocked I just gave him the $56 for his half of the ducks, took all the ducks myself and told him to go straight to hell! It was really a carpy thing for anyone to do SUDDENLY as I was NOT set up to take possession of the ALL baby ducks at that time and because HE HAD MY POULTRY CAGES that I had GIVEN him, it ended up being a LOT of trouble for me, and many of them died as a result.
NO big deal where money was concerned, but it was the fact that he would DO THAT KIND OF THING and break an agreement (with a snotty attitude I might add) on the spur of the moment. When I objected he tried to project a lot of his own carp onto me too—called me a liar and so on, really acted NASTY! So it ended up rather ugly, when I told him to leave MY house for acting that way. Later he said to son D who had overheard it all, “Do you think I was too forceful with her?” LOL
But he never said a word to me about “sorry” or anything else. I ran into him one day in the farm/home store and I just said “Hi, John” (not his real name) smiled and kept on walking.
I don’t think this man is a psychopath at all, he is just a JERK. He’s been divorced twice, and I DO think both of his X wives are psychopaths, but At the same time, I think my X-friend has some “anger problems” and some “relationship issues” that I am not prepared to put up with AT ALL.
I am NO longer very tolerant of people “going off on me” and screaming at me, NOT keeping their word without a reasonable cause, or calling me names.
I am very forgiving of those who show GENUINE REMORSE for bad behavior by ADMITTING their error, saying sorry, recognizing that they have hurt someone, making amends, and CHANGING their ways, and not repeating it over and over and over.
Dear Jazzy, sounds like the friendship went one way only, so you didn’t lose anything after all. I hope she didn’t let the door hit her in the butt on the way out it! You are better off without that kind of person in your life.
Glad you are back!
chinagirl,
Thanks for your response – I will do what you suggest…write a letter to her, burn it, and then give it to God, being done with it all. I am still hurt by what was done by way of her, not expecting it from someone that I thought was a friend. When we were friends (about 11 years), she told me that her marriage wasn’t good, that she could stay in a bad situation. We would share with each other; I thought we were supportive of each other. Now, I don’t know what the truth was.
Hey blujay…hey, ox,
Well, I can only speak for myself, but my friend was always difficult. I have had a tendency not to judge others…but when it came right down to it, my friend was pretty much my opposite… I dare to say a true narcissist. her lovely hubby ( who I always got along with better than her) may have Aspergers. He was never able to stand up to her tirades.
I don’t have a lot of friends…the ex-spath thinned that out…but now I know what I need in my life.
I really missed you guys, you know?
blujay…I just also wanted to add that ‘crying and begging’ is not part of my normal make-up. I have always been independent and self sufficient. When my ‘friend’ didn’t heed my call of desperation, I guess that spelled it out for me.
jazzy129,
The friend I talk about was usually friendly, always seemed supporitve, understanding of me. She was easy to get along with. So, I don’t know what was going on in her mind. You’re right, we don’t need anyone in our lives who is hurtful, disrespectful of us. Take care.
Oxy,
that is really interesting. I read “why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry men” by Lundy Bancroft, in my attempt to understand angry men/jerks.
Bancroft says they simply feel entitled. But that is a narcissistic trait which is the root of the sociopathic traits.
Bancroft says that all these wife beaters are not necessarily sociopaths, though some are. But to me, how can there really be a difference? To me, they are all socios, just that some are socios with a capital S. Bancroft says its very difficult to “cure” them and that they will often pretend to be cured because they are good at figuring out what you want to hear. Once the court date is over, they return to beating with a vengeance.
The lying and faking are the same thing. Enjoying another’s pain is socio.
Blue Jay, I like China Girl’s response. she is right on. The letter to your friend will do little to change her attitude. It will just confirm to her that you are hurt and that was apparently her intent from the beginning. It may be that your exP actually conned her into hurting you. My sister was conned into hurting me and so was my best friend (frenemy). They were not good people to begin with so it wasn’t hard for him to find the handle and manipulate them. I’m grateful to know them for what they are. I have one good sister and she ALWAYS knew that she didn’t want anything to do with either of them. She didn’t know what a socio was but she has very high standards and morals and won’t put up with bs. They tried really hard to buddy up to her and turn her against me, but she never let them bite.
Ox…I am working very part time at a packing and shipping place that also consigns items for ebay auctions. You stated…
“I am very forgiving of those who show GENUINE REMORSE for bad behavior by ADMITTING their error, saying sorry, recognizing that they have hurt someone, making amends, and CHANGING their ways, and not repeating it over and over and over.”
Funny..I work with a young man with severe OCD and ADD who is SO MELLOW with the people who come in! I admire him so very much! We had a regular customer who came in and was so bitchy…I could not have handled it like he did.
Anyways…she called him later and apologized. The boss and the kid and I were were so impressed and happy she did that.
Is it really so hard to just be nice nowadays?
skylar…interesting response. my friend had a difficult childhood. her Mom divorced her Dad, and left the family and kids…my friend had to take up the slack and be the ‘Mom’ and cook and clean and take care of the Dad. her Dad then got cancer and died while she was still in the house.
O.k….I understood all that, but 35 years later you need to look at yourself at some point. I feel bad that she is still angry, but for my own sanity I need to set limits on how i am treated…especially after running into a sociopath.
Very sad, but I cannot change the world.
Jazzy, I don’t really understand your meaning. Is she angry at you or the world or what? How does she behave toward others? toward you?
Blue Jay,
both my ex-friend, and my sister were the ones in my life that I considered the closest to me. Especially my ex-friend who is a gay man and was the best person for conversation and being a pal and just so intelligent. But he was a closet gay and didn’t come out to me -except to hint occasionally. Everyone knew, it was no secret, but he thought that it was. My exP knew and at some point met him and told him that he was also gay, and that I was just a beard to hide behind. Consequently they bonded even more than I did. All this went on behind my back and I didn’t even know that they had ever spent more than 10 minutes together. So when the exP started to let his mask slip, my friend just told me that he had no time for me and disappeared. The sociopath is really good and ensnaring others to do their dirty work for them. That’s what makes them so dangerous. All of it is done in secret. But a really good person wouldn’t be caught up in that – just like my good sister wasn’t, so now you know that your friends were wearing facades. That’s another thing that the P’s are good for. They help us separate the wheat from the chaffe. be grateful.
Dear Jazzy,
In business, you must be “nice’ and “professional” but you can still set boundaries if needed.
Everyone loses their temper sometimes or over reacts, but the point is that it is 1) NOT A FREQUENT HABIT 2) PRETENDED IT DIDN’T HAPPEN or 3) try to project the problem off on someone else.
I try to be polite to people in business and expect business people to be polite back to me. If they are not, then I very politely go UP THE LADDER TO THEIR BOSS, or their boss’s boss. If I don’t get satisfaction, I VOTE WITH MY FEET AND MY MONEY! Maybe the company won’t go bankrupt because I no longer shop there, but you know, they will at least KNOW WHY I don’t shop there and that I will TELL OTHERS as well why I don’t shop there.
I always tried to make customers happy if at all possible, even if it meant a “loss” on that transaction….that’s good business. Sometimes it isn’t possible so you just do the best you can.
Having a “bad childhood” doesn’t give anyone an excuse to be an ass or act badly. Everyone has has problems in their lives and how we behave is up to our CHOICE! Being abused doesn’t give someone an excuse to abuse. Human beings have FREE WILL to exercise our choices for good or evil.
Glad you are back Jazzy! Keep on growing and learning! (((hugs))))