A sociopath looks deep into your eyes.
“I never loved anyone like I love you,” he says. “We are so special together. People will never understand why we’re so attracted to each other. They say we shouldn’t be together, but they’re just jealous about the intensity of our love. Love can overcome anything, you know. It’s you and me against the world, kid!”
With words like these, sociopaths launch one of their most important strategies: Isolating you from friends and family.
It doesn’t seem that way at first. In the beginning, sociopaths want to be with you all the time. They proclaim that they are so wrapped up in you that they can’t bear to be apart, and it feels flattering to be so desired. Slowly, this morphs into the sociopath always wanting to know where you are, which morphs into jealousy if you spend time with anyone else, including your family and long-time friends.
They want you all to themselves. Not because they love you, despite their flowery proclamations. It’s because they want to control you.
Isolation tactics
Sociopaths employ many tactics to keep you from the people who love you. Here are a few of them:
- Sociopaths intercept phone calls and mail, and “neglect” to give you messages.
- Sociopaths purposely insult or pick fights with your family and friends, so that the people you know find it easier to just stay away.
- Sociopaths say they are “protecting” you from the people who want to drive the two of you apart.
- If you do see your family and friends, the sociopaths call and text constantly, interrupting your visit and making others uncomfortable.
- Sociopaths make up lies about what friends and family are saying about you.
- Sociopaths lie to family and friends about you, trying to turn them against you.
- Sociopaths rage at you when you leave, and rage again when you come home.
- Eventually, sociopaths forbid you to have contact with family and friends.
My experience
I remember how James Montgomery worked it with me. At first, he was solicitous towards my family. But nine months after we met, my family was suspicious of him, and my brother wanted to run a credit check. I knew Montgomery’s credit was bad—he’d already told me so, put expenses on my credit cards, and wiped out my savings.
I informed Montgomery, in anger, about my family’s concern. His first reaction was to tearfully ask if I wanted him to leave. Believing that my husband was working towards out mutual good, and wanting to get my money back as he consistently promised, I said no, we’d stay married.
But from that point on, he used the incident to drive a wedge between me and my family. He refused to attend my other brother’s wedding reception, stating that he wouldn’t go where he wasn’t welcome. He raged that I was an adult, I’d made my decision to marry him, and in some places people could be sued for interfering with a marriage. He disparaged my family and friends.
So as life with my husband became worse and worse, there was no one for me to talk to about it.
Pleas from family members
Isolation takes away your support system. When your contact with other people is limited, it enables the sociopaths to control the information you receive. And the more control they exercise, the more you lose your sense of self.
Periodically, Lovefraud receives distraught calls and e-mails from people who have lost sons, daughters or other family members to sociopaths. They want their loved ones to return, but the victims refuse. The sociopaths have so much power over them that it seems like the victims are lost forever.
The sad thing is that frequently, very little can be done until the victim himself or herself is ready to end the involvement. Psychologically, Dr. Liane Leedom explains, the victim has to take on his or her own distress. If family and friends are distressed, they are carrying what should be the victim’s emotional burden. For healing to begin, it’s up to the victim to start making a change.
For more information on this, read Dr. Leedom’s blog, How can I get my _____ away from the psychopathic con artist?
Find the strength
Are you in this position? Has a sociopath separated you from all your friends and family, so that you feel like you have nowhere to go?
Know this: If the sociopath is the one telling you that your friends and family want nothing to do with you, that the sociopath is the only one who loves you, there’s an excellent chance that he or she is lying.
If you’ve always had a good, or at least decent, relationship with friends and family, they’re probably worried sick about you, and willing to help you escape the prison built by the sociopath.
All you need to do is find the strength to contact them.
adamsrib
about losing people who are supposed to be friends:
One of my fave songs is “Caledonia” by Dougie McLean a Scottish songster. The lyrics I like the best from that song are:
“Lost some friends I needed losing , made new ones along the way”
It’s a song about life’s journey. As simple as it sounds, it seems to sum it up for me. If someone is DEADWOOD, I let them go. If they are abusive, users, non-reciprocating, unsupportive, overly needy, they go bye bye.
It is not easy for me as many of you who know my story I jokingly call myself Mother Teresa because I am a sap. No disrespect to the saint of Calcutta. I actually love her but she was a saint. I am not. So on me, it’s not a good thing 🙂
It takes me awhile to cut them loose but I do because life is TOO SHORT to deal with assholes no matter how long they have been in my life. I try first to work it out and if it doesn’t fly, then they do!!
Another fave saying of mine is “my wheels only roll forward”. Sometimes I give a second chance because everyone deserves that but after that they are a pimple on the ass of history…
The hardest to do is close family like siblings but there are those on here who have had to do it. I tolerate because my culture is way too family oriented and no spaths. They have either passed or I don’t deal with them regularly. Since I have been on LF I have recognized a nephew as a spath. I avoid him like the plague anyway but it is good to know there is a name for what he is not just a-hole (that too).
I have many really good friends and like a garden my weed “friends” get pulled and put in the compost. If I don’t do it they suck energy from the healthy contributors to the garden. It took me a long time to learn to do that but it was necessary for my piece of mind.
And I don’t bother with letters anymore. I hate to do it on email. That is so cold. I sit down for a heart to heart. If they are unwilling BuhBye…
Once I learned to do this I felt like I was finally wearing my big girl knickers 🙂
bluejay
skylar,
When it comes to sociopaths, you know them inside and out, having done your homework. It amazes me how much you know about them. My h-spath is sneaky, getting others involved in his undertakings. All of it is done in secret is right. It leaves you with a bad taste in your mouth – if he spent more time on doing what is right, he wouldn’t have the troubles that he has. It’s like he looks for trouble, jumping right into it when most people (who have common sense) would stay the heck out of the mess. When you try and correct him, forget it, for he doesn’t want to hear it, be corrected.
adamsrib
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x6olbcuUmos
Dougie McLean singing Caledonia.
adamsrib
BlueJay,
So true, sounds like Skylar’s spath (or any spath) is not wired to do that like we are. I finally quit banging my heard against the wall with that one. He has chips missing. I was so sad when I realized my spath “friend” could not ever change-that he would die that way.
My Spiritual Director says that spaths are like toddlers. The whole world (in their sick minds) exists only to meet their needs and those in their lives are only there to support their needs. The one I was dealing with is 70 years old and still like a child in his mind. Mine, mine, mine, me, me, me whatever destruction it takes to get that “baby bottle”. Sad but true..
adamsrib
Blue Jay:
meant to say “sounds like YOUR spath…”
bluejay
adamsrib,
Yes, they are juveniles, never being able to be grown-ups, just acting the part at times. I just read your post above about how you deal with people in general – good advice.
Dani S
Bluejay! I know, how crazy are they? It is ok for them to betray but heavens forbid if you did it them. Spath abandoned his own 3 children, 1 being our daughter together. What could be a worse betrayal to the most innocent, there own flesh and blood! It is a good thing and my little one was too little to remember him but his older girls just didn’t get it! He just didn’t turn up one day 2 years ago to pick them or never phoned again!
Oxy it made me giggle what P son said when you went and picked him up! It reminded me of a time the alarm went off at out factory so S went down to turn it off.
It was around 9pm and he was a bit stressed this day (like most days) and was put out that he had to go out to turn it off.
I said to him “I will a spa for you so you can relax when you get home”. He said “great” as he walked out the door for the 20 min round trip to the factory and back.
I graciously ran the spa and put in the relaxing bath salts. He got home over an hour and half later when I had gone to bed. I said “I ran the spa for you” and he said “well it’s F’n cold”!
LMAO! no thank you, no I got caught up, no thanks for that it is a bit cold but I will run the hot water… No when he left “don’t bother running me a spa because I am going to look on the internet when I am there” most probably internet dating sites LOL I think it was the last nice thing I did! for obviously reasons 😉
It was ok for him to betray me many times on the internet & with lies all through our marriage but my lordy I couldn’t even talk to my parents….The smuck!
Aeylah
Spath’s motto: “one for all….all for me”
adamsrib
Dani,
next time run him a bath laced with muratic acid…
kidding…:)
adamsrib
Aeylah,
good one!!