A sociopath looks deep into your eyes.
“I never loved anyone like I love you,” he says. “We are so special together. People will never understand why we’re so attracted to each other. They say we shouldn’t be together, but they’re just jealous about the intensity of our love. Love can overcome anything, you know. It’s you and me against the world, kid!”
With words like these, sociopaths launch one of their most important strategies: Isolating you from friends and family.
It doesn’t seem that way at first. In the beginning, sociopaths want to be with you all the time. They proclaim that they are so wrapped up in you that they can’t bear to be apart, and it feels flattering to be so desired. Slowly, this morphs into the sociopath always wanting to know where you are, which morphs into jealousy if you spend time with anyone else, including your family and long-time friends.
They want you all to themselves. Not because they love you, despite their flowery proclamations. It’s because they want to control you.
Isolation tactics
Sociopaths employ many tactics to keep you from the people who love you. Here are a few of them:
- Sociopaths intercept phone calls and mail, and “neglect” to give you messages.
- Sociopaths purposely insult or pick fights with your family and friends, so that the people you know find it easier to just stay away.
- Sociopaths say they are “protecting” you from the people who want to drive the two of you apart.
- If you do see your family and friends, the sociopaths call and text constantly, interrupting your visit and making others uncomfortable.
- Sociopaths make up lies about what friends and family are saying about you.
- Sociopaths lie to family and friends about you, trying to turn them against you.
- Sociopaths rage at you when you leave, and rage again when you come home.
- Eventually, sociopaths forbid you to have contact with family and friends.
My experience
I remember how James Montgomery worked it with me. At first, he was solicitous towards my family. But nine months after we met, my family was suspicious of him, and my brother wanted to run a credit check. I knew Montgomery’s credit was bad—he’d already told me so, put expenses on my credit cards, and wiped out my savings.
I informed Montgomery, in anger, about my family’s concern. His first reaction was to tearfully ask if I wanted him to leave. Believing that my husband was working towards out mutual good, and wanting to get my money back as he consistently promised, I said no, we’d stay married.
But from that point on, he used the incident to drive a wedge between me and my family. He refused to attend my other brother’s wedding reception, stating that he wouldn’t go where he wasn’t welcome. He raged that I was an adult, I’d made my decision to marry him, and in some places people could be sued for interfering with a marriage. He disparaged my family and friends.
So as life with my husband became worse and worse, there was no one for me to talk to about it.
Pleas from family members
Isolation takes away your support system. When your contact with other people is limited, it enables the sociopaths to control the information you receive. And the more control they exercise, the more you lose your sense of self.
Periodically, Lovefraud receives distraught calls and e-mails from people who have lost sons, daughters or other family members to sociopaths. They want their loved ones to return, but the victims refuse. The sociopaths have so much power over them that it seems like the victims are lost forever.
The sad thing is that frequently, very little can be done until the victim himself or herself is ready to end the involvement. Psychologically, Dr. Liane Leedom explains, the victim has to take on his or her own distress. If family and friends are distressed, they are carrying what should be the victim’s emotional burden. For healing to begin, it’s up to the victim to start making a change.
For more information on this, read Dr. Leedom’s blog, How can I get my _____ away from the psychopathic con artist?
Find the strength
Are you in this position? Has a sociopath separated you from all your friends and family, so that you feel like you have nowhere to go?
Know this: If the sociopath is the one telling you that your friends and family want nothing to do with you, that the sociopath is the only one who loves you, there’s an excellent chance that he or she is lying.
If you’ve always had a good, or at least decent, relationship with friends and family, they’re probably worried sick about you, and willing to help you escape the prison built by the sociopath.
All you need to do is find the strength to contact them.
This is called the ‘pimp’ game. I learned this from Judge Joe Brown.
They take your money while you give them sex. While they play the pimp game on you to isolate you and take your money.
They isolate you in a number of ways. Some may be more obvious and tell you they want you to themselves. Others may be more slippery and design it where you miss out on family outings, and it looks like your fault. They are always vague, and inconsistent, always keeping you in the dark. Yet the one consistent thing is they want money and sex. They are prostitute/pimps. They set up their tricks with you/and act as their pimp too.
If they had approached you as a prostitute/pimp and told you up-front that it will cost you every dime you got to have sex with them while they chase your family and friends away….. you would have laughed in their face.
Instead they lure you in under the guise of a relationship, while they play the pimp/prostitute game on you.
What a sorry world we live in when the prostitute is more honest than the sociopath. The sociopaths could put the prostitutes and pimps out of business.
After writing this I am so done. I announced that I am happily single then I had a few days of back slides where I was depressed. But, writing this made me back on track.
Why do I miss being with a prostitute/pimp?
That fat-ass bald, old man was deluded to think he can get a woman to pay him for sex. So he conned it.
I am sooooooo pissed.
Dear Jeannie,
THEY ARE THE LIE!!!! Of course no one would “buy” what they have to sell…without the LIE.
So let me see how this would go if I was selling “snake oil”—
“Hey, you want to buy my snake oil? It will NOT cure baldness, ED or ingrown toenails, and it will cost you a fortune, in fact, everything you own, and Oh, yes, if you drink it it will poison you and make you sicker’n a dog, but it is a GREAT DEAL!!! Buy my snake oil!”
Nah, I don’t think that would work…. well at all…let’s see if I can do a bit better!
“Hey, you want to buy my snake oil? It will CURE ALL that ails you, it will be the best sex you ever had, and it will make you feel loved and beautiful, it won’t cost you a dime, and you will be happier than a lotto winner on Wednesday!”
Yep, I think that is a much better sell, don’t you?
LOL ROTFLMAO Yep, the Sociopathic salesman ship of the year award for snake oil! LOL
I am not only happy single, I am PERFECTLY HAPPY single!
‘
Hi Sky – you said:’Kathleen, a poster on this blog was most instrumental in helping me grow up. She didn’t tell me what to do as much as she told me that I was capable and loved.’
This is THE thing for me too.
to have support, to listen to others tell their story, relate their struggles and successes, share their experience and knowledge… to have help in unraveling the tangles….not to read someone yelling, ‘NC!!!!’ all the time. The first, second, third and and fourth times I posted here i heard the same thing from the same person. it angers me still – ONCE was enough – all one needs to do is INTRODUCE the concept and support others in walking toward it – even if their road looks twisty and turny. Being told one can do it and really having someone take a look at where one is coming from is precious.
i learn so much more when people tell me what they did, instead of telling me what to do. i don’t trust that kind of arrogance…or perhaps it’s codependence or dominance issues, or self esteem problems. I don’t need to be bullied into anything. Now ‘love’, THAT i need.
I have no diagnoses for the two people that I am dealing with in my life but suspect we are dealing with two sociopaths.I am hoping my Daughter is only brain washed because I hate to think there is no hope for her. I had a psychiatrist tell me that if she had sociopath tendency’s he could have brought them out and turned her into a full blown sociopath.This scared me as she was always a very selfish person and put her self first.She did show she had a heart but always did seem to find a way to turn everything I did for her into something evil. So I do fear the worst. She has met a man who fit’s every characteristic of a sociopath but does keep inside the line of the law. He tries to push everyone he does not want in his life over the lines of the law including me which I am to smart for and did see it coming.They did try to get a restraining order to keep me away from her kids my grandchildren but could not because I did nothing wrong. This man came into their lives and was very nice for the first couple of weeks with the children even tied to impress us but soon learned he not only wanted to control My daughter and the children he wanted to control us. The kids were only allowed here when they need a babysitter or take the kids to there activity’s. They stopped them from phoning us which they did everyday before.He physically and mentally abused the children and my daughter protected and stood by him not the children. The kids kept coming to us for help and I kept saying there is nothing I can do your Mom has to see the light. I documented everything the kids were saying plus all the offal accusations this man kept accusing me of that I did not do. He was able to convince my daughter that I am the devil himself and that I am crazy like his mother who also has nothing to do with him. He says his ex wife is also crazy and will not let him have anything to do with his biological children. I took this for over a year and could see he was destroying her and the kids so I made the worst decision any mother could have to do and reported them to social services.They did find something on file and did have him removed for a whole week and let him back in as he promised to take parenting courses’ which they did but did not change a thing. Now I am not allowed to see my grandchildren at all my husband is though which is good because the boys can get out once in a while. She did stop my husband from seeing them for a few months because he let the kids talk to me on the phone. The kids do not come near here anymore because he has them convinced he has someone watching me at all times. When I bump into the kids at the school they seem happy to see me but also look petrified.They always tell grandpa to tell me that they love me.I have searched this internet up and down and have not been able to find anyone in a similar situation. I have no Idea how to handle this. I can not talk to my daughter because she even turns the word thank you into something evil. I am not any good to anyone right now as I spend most of my time on this computer so I do not think and cry. I love my family more than life it self and this has been very hard on all of us.What I need to know is: Will this relationship last forever being they are both sociopaths and seem to be twice as powerful together. They both seem to like the power they have created and I never thought I’d see the day my daughter would threaten me. I find it best at this time to stay away from my daughter because every time I see her it is just another hurt as she chooses not to communicate just judge.
Please help me!
Distressed
Dear Distressed Grandmother,
Glad you found your way to this site! We have not all had the same experiences but what we do all have in common is we have been deeply hurt by having Sociopathic people in our lives.
You are one step a head of thousands of others, as you now know exactly what you are dealing with.
Firstly you need to protect yourself! This is difficult for you as the best method is No Contact and with Grand kids that you wont to see at any opportunity makes it incredibly hard and they will use that to there advantage to cause further hurt and control over you.
My husband was a spath and stopped my parents seeing there Grand Child.. And although I am not a Sociopath, my husband sometimes made me say horrible things as I was a puppet on his strings and believed what he was saying, I was totally brain washed.
I dont believe 2 Sociopaths would be more successful in a relationship, than a relationship where only one is. In the end they want power and control and if they are not getting that, they will tire!
I dont know about the laws in your state but in some places Grandparents by law have access rights to the Grand kids, might be worth checking out! or may not be depending if you want to add fuel to the fire.
Hugs to you, stay strong & stay with us! 🙂
Distressed Grandmother , How I relate to you! Both of my adult daughters are Narcissistic sociopaths. The younger one, is 44 yrs old.!7 years ago, for no apparent reason, she decided, completely cold bloodedly and with no reason that I am able to find, to completely cut me off,-me and my husband. he is not my daughters Dad, their dad is an alcoholic, whom I had to leave in 1982, after being beaten up by him. Neither of my girls {thankfully} were there at the time,but I had to leave them with him. hehad never ever hit them or abused them in any way, an in any case they WANTED to stay with him, not me.After Id divorced their Dad and remarried to my present nice kind husband, both girls semed to accept him Ok. We have both gone out of our way to shower them with love and kindness.
The last time I saw my 2nd spath daughter, was in 1993. I took he r out to lunch on her Birthday, we had smoked salmon, salad, and champagne. I gave her A$1,000 from my late Mothers estate, plus Mums gold link bracelet, Frenc perfume and gold earings from me, plus a sheaf of spring flowers, and a lovely card. She thanke d me for the meal, kised me on the cheek, and Ive never seen her from that day to this!!. She is living witha very rich Jewish boy, and has 3 children by him. I have never once, {not even when they were new born} been allowed by her to see any of them. My cards,letters, flowers, nothing worked. her rich MILaw bought them a 4 million dollar home,2 cars,{one for the Nanny} and pays all of the school fees at the expensive jewish school the 2 older kids
go to. My husband and I have been wiped or completely NOTHINGED”. The oldest boy is 14, th girl is 11, and the baby is 2yrs. She will not relent and let me see these kids.
I havent seen other spathD in 2 years either.Nor have I seen her kids more than twice in last 2 years. They are both utterly cold, ruthless, no empathy, no finer feelings, no remorse.
You have my sympathy, we CANNOT change these people.
Love, Mamagem,xx
My guy did not isolate me either. I actually do not have many friends (which is fine for me) and it seems he had lots of friends when he was married that left him when he cheated on his wife. This guy even had the b***s to bring the “girlfriend” to his wife’s friends house where he kept his boat in another state… I met him at a singles dance and he said he was divorced for 2 years (a lie – he was in the divorce process) – owned this multiple family house alone (lie – his wife lived downstairs and he lived illegally in the attic) all this I did not find out until I started to snoop around. I found out he was heavily involved in porno (had a profile of himself out there and took pictures of himself in my house – since it was nicer looking). He was such a good liar – he would not even blink. He wanted the good life which I provided – we would go on trips and to get to/from the airport I would pay for the stretch limo ($300 at least). We both paid for our dinners out and stuff – but I did more so. He LOVED Ruths Chris steakhouse – he only paid twice for me – we had over 15 dinners I paid for. Of couse, he would say thanks, but I was no more than a way to provide a cushy life style for him (which be bragged about). Yet after all this and our fights which would start when I found out about another lie – he turned our mutual friends against me and they all swear I am crazy. Also, he said he loved me (yeah) but would take his ex-wifes advice over mine (after all that she went thru – they had this funky relationship and she just loved still being in his life – she had remarried). Just anyone of his lies regarding her sent me up the wall. Bottom line, he said he loved me – I said love does not mean lies. Beware ladies – he is out there on Plenty of Fish dating site – looking for a new hook. Stay away from Ray in Plainfield, NJ.
Dear Distressed Grandmother,
Search no more, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I am also a grandmother, my daughter is a sociopath and she has used my grandson as a pawn in the game she calls her life.
In my state, IF you have been involved previously in your grandchildren’s lives and meet certain other criteria dictated by law, you may go to court and file for Grandparent Visitation Rights. If the court rules in your favor, a visitation order will be issued that spells out, where, when and how the visitation should take place. All states are different with these laws, but you might want to check it out. Your state’s laws or codes may just be online and you can review them before seeing an attorney.
Good luck and keep trying, your grandchildren need you.
MiLo
Dear DistressedGrandmother: I am livng much of the same as you. When I challenged my husband of 9 months about his rage attacks and lies….he staged an “intervention” (where he had laid the groundwork to everyone I ever loved beforehand telling them lies about me behind my back.) Then I remember him handing me a drink, and then a intervention where they shook me wake and said I had made a phone call that I have NO remebrance of…”cutting them from my life”. Sound crazy? Yep…I can’t wrap my head around it either….I am living a Steven Spielberg movie!! The night before all this he had threatened me saying “I was making the biggest mistake of my life”. Now, they will not listen to me, take my calls, texts…I am forbidden from their work and homes. I helped DELIVER my Grandbabies!! I can’t even imagine thier little hearts not seeing me for 7 months!! I was with them every day and would have laid down my life for anyone of them…. I am living a nightmare!!
Dear Grandmother,
I am so sorry that you have this situation which must be tearing your heart out…whether your daughter is “brainwashed” or whatever the problem doesn’t really matter what the “term” is, the thing right now is that this man has control over her AND the children through her.
He obviously does not want anyone he cannot control in the lives of the kids or your daughter.
A great deal of psychopathy is about CONTROL and sometimes control itself seems to be the main end in the minds of these predators.
I am sure your grandchildren are probably in miserable circumstances. Knowing this (as you indicated) must be one of the most painful things for you (worse than if YOU were in those same circumstances) that you could imagine.
Milo here indicated that she is trying to raise her 9 year old grandchild that her psychopathic daughter has now, suddenly developed an interest in seeing after years of neglect…
My experience has been that many states “grandparents” laws for visitation only apply in instances of the divorce of the couple or death of one of the couple, where the living parent refuses to let the parents of the deceased parent visit the children. That may have changed, so it is a good idea to CHECK your state’s laws. Even with those laws though, the grandparents are at a decided disadvantage as the parent can up and move states or countries before you can enforce anything.
I think you indicated that your GKs were in school, so maybe you can in some way indicate to them secretly a simple “I LOVE YOU, would be there if I could be” message to them.
I know it must be difficult and confusing even for older children to be deprived of your visits.
God bless—-a friend of mine whose own son refused to let her see her grandchild that she had RAISED 24/7 until the child was age 8 and he remarried…volunteered at her GD’s school in order to see the child. Went to all the sports games where she could at least WAVE to the child (and be seen by the child) made friends with the X-wife of her son, so she could see the child on the weekends the X wife had them. It has been a long “haul” the girl is 15 now, and very close to her grandmother, and can’t wait to turn 18 so she can move out of her psychopathic father’s house. She is doing well in school, well adjusted and is learning about psychopathy in a healthy way—even if it does point out what her father is doing, and her mother is just as disordered!!! Step mother is worse. So for a kid with two personality disordered parents and one personality disordered step mother, that one grandmother’s love has brought that child through hell and into a very well adjusted adolescence.
So, the point of my above story about my friend is, NEVER GIVE UP HOPE, and think out of the box, anyway you can even wave to the kids to let them know you love them, think about them, or whatever….keep it up!!!! My prayers!!! and God bless.