A sociopath looks deep into your eyes.
“I never loved anyone like I love you,” he says. “We are so special together. People will never understand why we’re so attracted to each other. They say we shouldn’t be together, but they’re just jealous about the intensity of our love. Love can overcome anything, you know. It’s you and me against the world, kid!”
With words like these, sociopaths launch one of their most important strategies: Isolating you from friends and family.
It doesn’t seem that way at first. In the beginning, sociopaths want to be with you all the time. They proclaim that they are so wrapped up in you that they can’t bear to be apart, and it feels flattering to be so desired. Slowly, this morphs into the sociopath always wanting to know where you are, which morphs into jealousy if you spend time with anyone else, including your family and long-time friends.
They want you all to themselves. Not because they love you, despite their flowery proclamations. It’s because they want to control you.
Isolation tactics
Sociopaths employ many tactics to keep you from the people who love you. Here are a few of them:
- Sociopaths intercept phone calls and mail, and “neglect” to give you messages.
- Sociopaths purposely insult or pick fights with your family and friends, so that the people you know find it easier to just stay away.
- Sociopaths say they are “protecting” you from the people who want to drive the two of you apart.
- If you do see your family and friends, the sociopaths call and text constantly, interrupting your visit and making others uncomfortable.
- Sociopaths make up lies about what friends and family are saying about you.
- Sociopaths lie to family and friends about you, trying to turn them against you.
- Sociopaths rage at you when you leave, and rage again when you come home.
- Eventually, sociopaths forbid you to have contact with family and friends.
My experience
I remember how James Montgomery worked it with me. At first, he was solicitous towards my family. But nine months after we met, my family was suspicious of him, and my brother wanted to run a credit check. I knew Montgomery’s credit was bad—he’d already told me so, put expenses on my credit cards, and wiped out my savings.
I informed Montgomery, in anger, about my family’s concern. His first reaction was to tearfully ask if I wanted him to leave. Believing that my husband was working towards out mutual good, and wanting to get my money back as he consistently promised, I said no, we’d stay married.
But from that point on, he used the incident to drive a wedge between me and my family. He refused to attend my other brother’s wedding reception, stating that he wouldn’t go where he wasn’t welcome. He raged that I was an adult, I’d made my decision to marry him, and in some places people could be sued for interfering with a marriage. He disparaged my family and friends.
So as life with my husband became worse and worse, there was no one for me to talk to about it.
Pleas from family members
Isolation takes away your support system. When your contact with other people is limited, it enables the sociopaths to control the information you receive. And the more control they exercise, the more you lose your sense of self.
Periodically, Lovefraud receives distraught calls and e-mails from people who have lost sons, daughters or other family members to sociopaths. They want their loved ones to return, but the victims refuse. The sociopaths have so much power over them that it seems like the victims are lost forever.
The sad thing is that frequently, very little can be done until the victim himself or herself is ready to end the involvement. Psychologically, Dr. Liane Leedom explains, the victim has to take on his or her own distress. If family and friends are distressed, they are carrying what should be the victim’s emotional burden. For healing to begin, it’s up to the victim to start making a change.
For more information on this, read Dr. Leedom’s blog, How can I get my _____ away from the psychopathic con artist?
Find the strength
Are you in this position? Has a sociopath separated you from all your friends and family, so that you feel like you have nowhere to go?
Know this: If the sociopath is the one telling you that your friends and family want nothing to do with you, that the sociopath is the only one who loves you, there’s an excellent chance that he or she is lying.
If you’ve always had a good, or at least decent, relationship with friends and family, they’re probably worried sick about you, and willing to help you escape the prison built by the sociopath.
All you need to do is find the strength to contact them.
Ox Driver:
Snake oil…. That explains things so simply whereas my post went on and on. But, doesn’t the thought of them being prostitutes/pimps dry out that warm fuzzy feeling people have to their abuser?
One-Step:
My sister is a good one for telling me how to run my life while she has no control over her own. She is ‘over bearing’ about it. She say’s ‘YOU HAVE TO’!!!!! She tries to maintain control over her life but she finds she wins a battle and loses the war. I too have done that ‘in the face’ thing thinking I was cured and could fix someone’s life. I was humbled and shamed months later when I went back to the same abuse. I think it taught me a lesson, hopefully.
bellaangel:
My son’s dad ‘set me up’ one night. He had planned to call the police on me. Though I didn’t know he had this planned out. He took me to a bar and bought me shots and beer. He was ordering the shots/beer so fast that I wasn’t giving time to drink it. I complained that he was getting me drunk. He kept doing it. He would wait for me to turn my head and he would wave the bartender to give me another round. I stupidly didn’t want to “waste” it. I remember that it was ODD that he did not drink while he was loading the drinks on me.
We got home and he got on the phone to call the police. I didn’t know what was he was up to. I didn’t realize he was on the phone with police until I walked past him. He told the 911 dispatcher in this very BORED voice that I was beating him up. He looked totally bored as he told 911 “ow, Jeannie that hurts, ow, Jeannie stop hitting me” The police came to my home. The police refused to look him over to see there were no bruises, no scratches, and not even his shirt was wrinkled. The police could smell I had been drinking whereas he did not have ANYTHING to drink. The police told me I would go to jail if they get called back.
Then he called the police on my girlfriend. She was spending the weekend for my daughters birthday weekend. He called the police at 7:00 am. He said she was running around the house naked. The police came. I woke up to the police. I said she would never do such a thing. He said she was running around half-naked. I shook my head no. The police said I would go to jail if they get called back.
I had to get him out. I had no control over him picking up the phone. I called his probation officer and had him removed. I never went back with him.
As painful as that memory is I gotta remember that it was a totally fucked-up person doing this to me. HE committed suicide 7 years later.
Jeannie
Dear Jeannie,
I am glad that you got away from him, he sounds like he was very dangerous. It very well COULD have been a MURDER/SUICIDE instead of just a suicide. Psychopaths are definitely NOT above the murder/suicide stunt! They do a lot of “crazy” things when they are in a rage over control, even taking their own life if they can’t have control over yours.
Ox Drover OMG! I believe you are right.
He had called a month before he took his life. I laughed at him and put the phone down. As I walked away I heard him say “hello? Hello?”
I left the phone off the hook. So he couldn’t call back.
I always wondered if I threw him off guard the last time he called. It was so unlike me to do that. I always engaged and this time I DIDN”T. His “hello” was so passive. It wasn’t the usual aggressive.
Also, I had already burned his bridges on internet by notifying every police department, unemployment office, social security office. Cause he was using our son’s identity.
He burned his last bridge when he stole money from his mother to go gambling.
He stole over $6000.00 from her, and was found with change in his pocket. That is what the police told me.
Dear Jeannie,
You very well may have caught him off guard. Dr. Leedom has written a great deal on how they are all about CONTROL and I think she is right. It is utmost for them to be in control of everything! When they can’t control things they RAGE–it is the ultimate insult to them.
That is why NC is so hard for them to accept because it is about US taking BACK OUR CONTROL and no matter what they do they can’t get us to react.
The grandiose idea that he could take the money form his mom and go gamble and win big–when he lost big he was at the bottom of the pit and there was no where to go. The only control he has was to off himself. THAT WOULD SHOW YOU and everyone else! Talk about cut your nose off to spite your face, that is the ultimate way to do it.
There are some people who suicide because of lots of reasons but the psychopath’s reasons are RAGE at others, a last ditch effort for control! (head shaking here) For those who take their own life in utter despair I feel empathy, but for the psychopath who does it out of rage and an attempt at control, I don’t have a lot of empathy for them. It is sort of like the killer who “suicides by cop,” saves the state the price of a trial. If that sounds heartless of me, so be it. I am just not real empathetic for psychopaths. For those they leave behind, and the people they have damaged, those people get the empathy, but not the monsters who prey on others.
Wow!
When I read the list of tactics used to isolate, the hair on my arms stood up. He used every one of those, but by far the worst that came out of what he did were the damages to family relationships, those who had once believed me were now questioning me, those who were still under his spell became my biggest critic.
I figured out that since family was the most important to me, those were the ties he severed the quickest, while at the same time had my family believing his BS.
It’s all about control. If they can’t have you entirely to themselves, they will do their best to manipulate relationships with others and this is where the smear campaign comes in very handy for them.
Once a person KNOWS what one of these people are really like, the spath moves on to the next…
I really appreciate this article. It reminds me, once again, of what I escaped from.
I have a question for you guys and i dont know where else to post this but here.
I cannot find the link where i read, that even though spath’s are charasmatic and charming, they can go long periods of time in complete isolation.
I want to accociate this with my spath… We live in one of the biggest cities in the world and the lifestyle here is CRAZY and super busy. She has many many manyyy friends, goes out with someone (friends) everyday for dinner… so basically she is out a lot and loves the lifestyle here.
BUT,
there are times in the year when she goes and spends WEEKS (upto 2 months) in complete isolation from everyone on her ranch… in Texas.. in the middle of no where, with very minimal population.
She lives there alone for weeks with no one but her dog.
Is this normal with many spaths? Are they programmed to be okay with isolation because they dont connect to humans on that emotional level?
I remember visiting her ranch with her for 5 nights, and LITERALLY had NOTHIGN to do. There was no one there but a lot of water, dirt and darkness.
Is this normal for spaths?
lostnconfused,
I’m an artist and live in a very large city. I also have a country home where I have spent many weeks in total isolation; it’s a way to decompress and reconnect to the earth, to my animals and to myself. It’s also conducive to my work.
My ex-husband, the spath, didn’t like isolation at all. He needed a great deal of stimulation, the kind offered in large cities. He didn’t like being alone. I’m not sure enjoying solitude has anything to do with spath vs non-spath. It’s always seemed to me that some people need more time alone and others don’t, more a matter of introvert/extrovert.
I enjoy the city also, just need some time to recharge and work with no intrusions. I understand not everyone would want to be alone for up to 2 months at a time, but some people wouldn’t want to not have that ‘down time’ and feel the city is a bit overwhelming and need to get away at times, and some of us need more time alone than others. Many of my friends need a week or so, some of us need more.
As far as connecting on emotional levels in general, my ex was outgoing and social; that doesn’t mean he was connecting to anyone on an emotional level—socially, yes, emotionally, not really. If I were to use him as my source of all things spath, I’d say spaths can’t be alone, that they need people around them. But, again, I don’t think that has a whole lot to do with spathiness and isn’t a ‘red flag.’
I understand your concern, if 5 days on a ranch far from ‘civilization’ is a lot for you to bear. Solitude isn’t, and needn’t be, for everyone. Have you read ‘Walden’ by Thoreau? Or ‘Solitude, a Return to the Self’ by Storr?
Masada,
I completely understand your POV. I understand that some people want/need the time off from the busy city but what does one do ALL by themselves in the middle of nowhere? I just dont understand… and it was not normal. It just was not. Not sure if you are familiar with my story or not.. but if you were… woulld your POV be different about her?
Ill give you a quick rundown. Shes 50, and im 20 (female). She is an ex professor.
Lost,
I see your point, if there is no internet or TV, what does she do while she is there? Were there books? Electricity?
When I left my spath, he took off to the mountains to “pan for gold”, but he didn’t go alone, he took a couple of young guys with him. Something didn’t pass the smell test. He was out in the mountains for a few weeks. Later he said, it was, “good for me to get out camping.” He actually had a need to do this. He is not a normal person, so I can assume it has something to do with his PD, but exactly what, I don’t know.
Sky,
Sure there was a TV… but no internet service.. no cell phone.. yes to electricity, yes to books.
IDK why i am bringing this up, but i am. Maybe cuz of the fact that i know she is there right now. Alone. Makes me sad.. makes me wonder what she is doing… why is she alone…
Idk Skylar,
I just feel so broken up today. Thing were starting to get better but i feel like i move foward a little and then a big shock and im back to the beginning. I miss her so much Skylar. I miss her being with me, talkign to her, spending my times with her… her voice… everything. It takes over me so much that i forget about everyone else in the world, my family, my job, and most importantly, myself.
I keep wondering if she misses me, or if she still wants me… has she found someone else? Was she a lie? All those…
Its just getting so hard Skylar, i just feel like i am never going to get out of this situation.
I go home to see my mothers face, so sad and worried about me… scared i will go back to my spath.
I feel like i have no purpose. People have stopped listening to me and stopped giving advice because they are done with hearing me talk about the same thing over and over again. But please, help me. I sit here, in tears, at my desk at work, with so much to do, but completely unable to concentrate… I just miss her so much. And i dont even know if she is this evil person that i am making her out to be.
Sometimes i think contacting her will give me answers but something holds me back. I am reminded of your stories, and then terrified, then i think, my spath would never do that to me…
Its so much back and forth. People in my life have given up on me… i just need some wise words of wisdom… today is just not a good day for me. I just realy need help… really.