UPDATED FOR 2023. When you become romantically involved with a psychopath, he or she will be lying to you from the very beginning or your involvement, although you won’t realize it right away.
Eventually, you may start catching inconsistencies, like he said he was here, and now he’s saying he was there. Or she said she did this, and now she says she did that.
You’ll shrug your shoulders, assuming that you misunderstood. Or, you’ll ask for clarification — which your partner will answer with more lies, although you won’t realize that either.
So you may recognize that your partner exaggerates, or likes to spin stories, or even offers contradictory explanations. But you probably won’t spot the really big lies, the statements that you change your life for, statements that are totally false.
Here they are:
1. You can trust me
Psychopaths are good at getting you to talk, especially in the beginning of an involvement, when they are flattering and love bombing you. So you may open up about your dreams, your heartfelt desires, and your fears.
You may reveal a painful past, saying that you can’t handle another heartbreak. You may disclose how someone took advantage of your good nature or your money.
The psychopath listens with apparent empathy and proclaims, “I would never do that to you. You can trust me.”
Later on, when everything collapses, you realize that the psychopath listened to your dreams, desires and fears, and used them to manipulate you. He or she totally violated your trust.
2. I love you
Psychopaths are not capable of love — this is the core of their disorder. So when a psychopath says, “I love you,” it is a lie.
Now, psychopaths can be attracted to you. And they can want to have sex with you. But real love — being concerned about your well being, and willing to put your interests before their own when necessary — well, psychopaths are not capable of that.
Psychopaths have learned, however, that when they say the words, “I love you,” they get what they want. So they tell you that they love you — perhaps sooner than you think is realistic.
Read more: Outrageous lies my sociopathic ex told me — what whoppers did you hear?
But everyone wants to believe a proclamation of love, so you believe them. And you give the psychopath what he or she wants. Later, when the psychopath continues to proclaim love, while his or her behavior isn’t loving at all, you are totally confused.
To clear up the confusion, recognize that when a psychopath says, “I love you,” he or she really means, “I want something from you.”
3. I’ll pay you back
Many psychopaths, although not all, regard their romantic partners as a source of revenue. In fact, some of these parasites work their partners the way normal people work a job.
They figure out, sometimes through trial and error, the best way to extract money out of you. They may try appealing to your sympathy, as in, “I’m having a rough week/year/life; can you help me out?”
Or they’ll have a surefire plan to make money; they just need an investment to get started. Or they have funds coming in from a business deal/lawsuit/inheritance — can you float a temporary loan?
Psychopaths always promise to pay you back.
After they have your money, they may disappear. If they don’t, it’s because they intend to squeeze you for more. In fact, they may actually pay you back at first. That’s only to soften you up for the kill — when they bleed you dry.
Psychopaths believe they are entitled to have what they want, no matter how they get it. And if you’re dumb enough to fall for their empty promises — well, that’s your problem, not theirs.
4. I’ll never cheat on you
My psychopathic ex-husband actually admitted to me, early in our involvement, that he had cheated on previous romantic partners. “But you’re everything I ever wanted in a woman,” he said to me. “I’ll never cheat again.”
I later discovered that when he said this to me, he was involved with multiple other women.
Psychopaths are promiscuous. They are always searching for excitement, get bored easily, and feel entitled to get what they want. For all of these reasons, they cheat.
They also cheat because it’s fun. One of a psychopath’s greatest thrills is getting over on people. And what could be better than having your partner believe that you are totally faithful, when in fact you’re having an affair?
Well, for psychopaths there is something better: having both of his or her partners in the same room — or situation — and them not realizing it. Now, that’s really fun cheating.
5. We’ll have a great life together
When psychopaths are seducing a romantic partner, a typical strategy is to ask you about your most cherished dreams and desires, and then promise to make them come true.
They paint a glowing picture of your life together, with romantic walks into the sunset, lots of kids, material success or whatever it is that you truly want. It’s what they want too (they say), and together, the two of you will make it happen.
Some if it may, in fact, come true.
But what they don’t tell you about is the price you will pay: Emotional, psychological, physical, sexual, financial and/or spiritual abuse.
You’ll be walking on eggshells, trying to keep your psychopathic partner from flying into a rage. Or you’ll endure the silent treatment for infractions that you committed, although you don’t know what they were. You’re always trying to pay the bills, while your psychopathic partner continues to spend money with abandon.
You may feel like you’ve lost yourself, although you don’t quite know how it happened.
The real truth
Here’s the truth of what happened: The psychopath lied to you profoundly. None of these statements were ever true:
- “You can trust me.”
- “I love you.”
- “I’ll pay you back.”
- “I’ll never cheat on you.”
- “We’ll have a great life together.”
It was never you. Nothing you could have done would have made your partner treat you any better.
Although you didn’t realize it in the beginning, perhaps you realize it now. Your relationship was always a complete lie.
Lovefraud originally posted this article on Jan. 25, 2016.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Psychopathic boss —pure malignant evil
missymooz
Hi Donna, thank you so much for that information. That is exactly how I was left feeling when i lived with the spath – & sometimes it did leave me very confused thinking “if only I had done this or that”. But it took me a long time after I left him to realise that it would not have mattered what I did or did not do. Thank you for letting other people realise this so they stop doubting themselves.
RubyRed
i am just discovering this due to something i am going through what insight Donna
Hope Springs
What truth!
Thank you as always for helping all of us, Donna.
Cheers 🙂
Rosie Jackson
YES!
To all of the above!!!
Donna Andersen
I am very glad the post is resonating with you all.
stronginthecity
Donna,
Many many thanks for having the courage to make what happened with JM public and help so many people.
SITC
RubyRed
Hello Donna Yes this is very insightful and i am learning so much due to my own experience i am going through with my husband and so many of these points resonates for sure 🙁
whathappened
So true. I still have self doubt. Like missymooz stated “if i only had done this or that”. I struggle with the reaity that it was all a lie. Im getting better….one day at a time. It is so aweful the distruction these types do. Thanks for this site. When i have a moment of weakness i come here. It helps me to read through. If it wasnt for this site i think i would have broken no contact.
NotWhatHeSaidofMe
whathappened.
If only… if I could just find the right key to his heart, my perfect life will come true. TRUTH? You could have done EVERYTHING perfect and the outcome is the same.
In fact, I did do everything perfect at first, but he kept changing the requirements. I finally understood, he was NEVER going to be someone who kept his word, not a man of integrity after all, a pretender of honor. As Donna famously said, he was the lie from hello to Goodbye.
TRULY these type are the one example where the demise of the relationship was NEVER your fault.
whathappened
Yes its like you said…he kept changing the requirements!! I try not to relive it in my head but its so hard and so confusing. Ill be going along great one minute, than crash into the pit again. Its so horrible of a feeling. I just want to be the person i was before he entered into my life.
NotWhatHeSaidofMe
whathappened
I am through the valley of the shadow of death, back into a place where the sky is BLUE.
I remember wanting to be who I was before HIM. But I have come to realize I am better b/c I have been tested by the FIRES OF HELL, and I know myself better. I don’t wonder who or what I believe. I KNOW with a certainty. I know what matters (LOVE including and no less than SELF love connecting to my humanity. What made me resilent was stepping up and taking responsibility for ME, and that HIS excuses didn’t absolve me of my own responsibilities. I reconnected with MY values and then I LIVED my values… so what I said and what I did were the SAME thing (when I gave up living, I had given up being a person of my word b/c that didn’t seem to matter to anyone. I was WRONG about that… being a person of integrity didn’t matter to my ex, but it MATTERED to me! When I reclaimed that for myself, I felt self worth again, for myself.)
TRUTH: You will NOT be the person you were before. But you can be MORE than you were before, forged from FIRE.
I was naïve, I am NOT any more, I do actively, consciously CHOOSE to be a person of my word.
I was that person before, I defaulted to being a person of my word, but NOW… I ACTIVELY CHOOSE IT in defiance of a sociopath.
I know the feeling of the pit (I called it the Abyss). But I replaced that feeling by connecting my soul to JOY. I LOOK for joy, whether in the tiny gold finches or in the fact that I am alive to CHOOSE JOY. I am SO Grateful for the ability to CHOOSE JOY that I replace the abyss with Gratitude. I didn’t do it overnight but a bit by bit. And as I did so, my confusion melted away. Even on my sad days, I realize I get to CHOOSE to seek JOY. I refuse to give the abyss any space in my head.
stronginthecity
Amen sister!
Stronginthecity
Frandee
The stories my ex told me were SO OVER THE TOP, but he kept trying to convince me they were true….All the lies and the things he did to earn my trust, man he was good!! Well he cant lie or hurt anyone anymore he passed and Im pretty sure he didnt make it to the pearly gates!!
stronginthecity
Excellent article!
All of the above except money but in the end I sometimes wonder if it would have been better to rip me off monetarily. .. Nah
This piece of shit was simply good at his con games.
Some new phrases I have adapted going forward are : That’s not my problem and sucks to be you.
Sounds callous but necessary to protect myself
SITC
foolmeonceshameonme
Donna, a lot of the ladies and I who have been scammed by the same sociopath/psychopath have created a page/group on facebook to warn other women and your articles help tremendously. Everything you’ve said is very informative and all of us can identify. Thank you so much for helping us.
stronginthecity
foolme,
Can you share the FB page?
SITC
Renique
Can someone help me please? How in the hell can we possibly determine whether they were sociopaths, narcissists, borderline personality/transient sociopath,etc. He had all the traits of a sociopath but I just know he loved me and the kids. I am an HSP and empath. Can a man do all the things a sociopath does and ‘not’ be a sociopath?? I truly hope so. My main question was to be: Can a sociopath love? I think in the movie IceMan that he loved his wife and 2 little girls didn’t he??? I can’t begin to explain how our lives were affected by the things he done…but I would love to believe that he did love us and just had an anger problem, lying problem, drug and alcohol problem, stealing problem, disregard for authority problem, etc. :'(
NoMoreWool
My SP enjoyed playing the loving husband and father. It fed his narcissism for people to think he was superdad. Ultimately it was just a role which he abandoned once it no longer got him things for free and instead was going to cost him money. I knew it was just an act because the things he did to me (and later the kids) when no one was watching are things that no loving person could do to someone they loved.
4Light2shine
Hi Renique. Those sound a lot like the same kinds of questions that many of us asked ourselves early on. Without being dogmatic and jumping to conclusions I would rather not try to answer based on just this post of yours. Here are some things to consider – something brought you to a forum on a site that educates and supports those encountering sociopaths. The anger, lying, chemical dependency, disregard for authority are definitely checking some boxes. I would recommend that you read the article that H G Beverly posted a few days back There are Degrees of Conscience and Empathy. The most difficult part of understanding all of this is having the courage and humility to accept just how many false beliefs that we may need to let go in order for the truth to be seen. Cognitive dissonance is something that most here have had to work through. I hope that you can find the answers that you seek and some peace too.