I can’t believe that it is Labor Day. Here in the U.S., it’s the holiday that marks the end of summer, and all I can wonder is, where did the summer go? Yesterday, my husband, Terry, complained about a “time leak”—he swears that an hour is now only 40 minutes long.
Actually, of course, time keeps moving at the same pace, with the exception of the “leap second” added on June 30, 2012. (This apparently caused software problems all over the Internet.) Yes, time marches on—and we can use this to our advantage in recovering from the sociopath.
Involvements with sociopaths cause serious damage to our emotions, psychology, health, finances, social connections—to our very lives. We can recover, but it will take time.
How much time? It’s impossible to predict because every case is different. The short answer is that it will take as long as it takes—but there are steps you can take to make it go faster.
No Contact
First, and most important, have No Contact with the sociopath. Cut the person out of your life. No phone calls, text messages, email and certainly no in-person meetings. Why is this so important? Relationships with sociopaths change the structure and chemistry of your brain, much like addictions. In fact, many people experience these relationships as addictions. Therefore, you must break the addiction.
The longer you “stay on the wagon,” and maintain No Contact, the stronger you become. This is using time to your advantage. But as anyone who’s struggled with other types of addictions knows, if you give in to your addiction a little bit, you have to start all over again. The time you previously spent maintaining No Contact is lost.
In situations where you must have some type of contact, such as shared parenting, your goal is to do your best to minimize interactions. More importantly, you want to go for Emotional No Contact. This means you get to the point where the sociopath simply means nothing to you. You know and accept what the sociopath is, and when you see that typical behavior, you just roll your eyes.
Because No Contact is so important, it is one of the issues you need to consider when deciding whether or not to pursue holding the sociopath accountable for his or her actions. I believe sociopaths should be help accountable—they get away with their moral or actual crimes far too often, which emboldens them and harms society. But the truth is that going after the sociopath keeps you in contact with them, which can slow down your recovery. So you need to decide—is it worth it?
Hastening the recovery
The other thing that can make your recovery faster is consciously deciding that you are going to heal, and taking the necessary steps to do it.
First and foremost, take care of yourself—eat right, get exercise, get sleep, don’t smoke, drink or do drugs. Involvement with a sociopath may have left you with anxiety or depression. Healthy habits go a long way towards combating anxiety and depression.
You then need to decide that you’re going to deal with the emotional and psychological effects of the involvement, using whatever method works for you. If you can find a therapist who gets it—great. If you find comfort in church, prayer, meditation or spiritual practice—fabulous. I used both of these approaches—plus my personal favorite, pounding pillows in which I envisioned my ex-husband’s face. However you do it, you must get the toxic emotions and energy out of your system, or they will eat you up.
I also believe it’s important to look deep within ourselves, beyond the experience with the sociopath, to discover why we were susceptible to the sociopath in the first place. These human predators target our vulnerabilities. In fact, they can spot vulnerabilities that we don’t even know we have.
Did we have wounds from our childhood? Did we have mistaken beliefs that we were unworthy or unlovable? Something made us vulnerable. To truly recover, we must find out what it was and heal it.
If we maintain No Contact with the sociopath and focus on our own healing, over time, it will happen. And sooner or later, we’ll discover that our lives are happier than we ever thought they could be.
Donna, I believe the sentence below from the article above, sums up the most important part of our healing
“I also believe it’s important to look deep within ourselves, beyond the experience with the sociopath, to discover why we were susceptible to the sociopath in the first place. These human predators target our vulnerabilities. In fact, they can spot vulnerabilities that we don’t even know we have.”
I have long said “the healing starts out about them, but ends up being about ourselves.”
Thanks for a wonderful article!
Wonderful article, Donna! The points you bring up are so important in the healing process.
Thanks for all you do!
Donna, thank you so much for this timely article. It speaks to me, personally, right now, and this very instant.
Going “No Contact” is a life-saving imperative. I absolutely would appreciate an opportunity to describe the levels of damage that the exspath did to his face. Oh, you bet I would! But….I have to consider this fact: did he “hear” me when I was in so much physical pain that I couldn’t get out of a chair without assistance? No. He didn’t. He didn’t “hear” me, simply because he didn’t care. There are no words or combination of words, facial expressions, vocal inflections, or gut-wrenching tears that will cause the exspath to acknowledge the carnage that he has created. There isn’t. And, “checking up” on a FaceBook profile or other networking site is not going to do me any service. On the contrary, any information that I glean about the exspath only pours salt on a raw wound.
Examining why I was so easily targeted and used has been a sad, frightening, and enlightening experience. I have been a prime target throughout my life, and my host of vulnerabilities were created early in my childhood. Throughout my life, I have been “needy,” unworthy, unloveable, and dependent upon others to fill my needs and cause me to feel worthy. These are truths that are ugly, painful, and challenging to address.
In spite of all of these unpleasant truths, I’m going to be okay, in due time. I’m not rushing my healing and recovery as I normally would – it used to be typical for me to “get over it” and move on with my life. I was compelled to present a “strong” facade, which was also a symptom of my dis-eased system of beliefs. I had to be tough, strong, and resilient. Well, dammit, I’m human – and, I’m allowing myself to explore my recovery and healing at a reasonable pace and under my own steam.
Once again, Donna, I read precisely what I need to WHEN I need to read it.
Brightest blessings and deepest gratitude
You are all so welcome. Truthspeak – it is so important to take the time to really heal. I’m so glad you are doing it, and that Lovefraud is helping.
I am in awe of everyone’s progress.
Donna, and everyone, I have been experiencing recurring bouts of spontaneous crying. Apropos, nothing….I’ll just burst into tears. Sometimes, I’ll suddenly feel such a sense of loss that I’ll burst into tears, and this feeling comes out of the blue.
Just curious about this because I’m trying to find employment and it’s just not going to fly if I’m sitting in an interview and burst into tears!
I woke up this morning, feeling very, very low – I do not want to be where I am. I hate it. I hate that I was forced to make such a desperate choice. And, I burst into a sobbing fit. Then, I reminded myself (I have to do this, consciously) that I should be grateful and to think about where I would be if I had not made the decision that I did.
So, pity-party aside, is this a typical thing?
And, I never thought much of Armstrong, even given his battle against cancer. There was always a swirling undercurrent of thorough arrogance about him.
I feel badly for all of his devoted fans – more collateral damage. Sheeeeeesh
Truthspeak,
I wouldn’t worry too much about bursting into tears – as long as you’re in private. I think it means that you’re accessing the pain, allowing yourself to feel it, and then releasing it. It’s part of the recovery process.
Continue to allow the emotions to drain, in private. You don’t want to be doing this in a job interview, of course. Then, you’ll have to maintain control. But by allowing yourself to release the pain while you’re alone, you’ll be able to maintain your composure when you need to.
Donna, thank you. I try to keep it very private.
I don’t like it, at all. It is almost physically painful – that kind of crying that hurts right in the middle of one’s torso. But, I guess I have to let it out or go nuts.
Thanks, again.
Dear Truthspeak, appreciate your honesty in your bouts of crying. I have been doing the same thing here for several months now, however the more time I devote to MY PAIN (and its healing), and learning HOW I fell for this, and the more I read and research, and get on here at Lovefraud; it is not so often, in this past week. Thank you Donna, do appreciate this forum and out-let very much! This spath here has robbed me of so much, but I refuse….REFUSE to surrender my dignity! 🙂 hugs 🙂
Truthspeak,
I know exactly what you are talking about. It’ the overwhelming sadness and mess just coming up and out spontaneously.
The one I remember most which was months ago was sitting down to breakfast with my daughter and trying to swallow that first bite of food. I was in a kind of heavy sadness that I was attempting to keep to myself until she got off to school. Well swallowing brought the spontaneous burst of tears and I couldn’t help it. End of breakfast.
I, too, must look for employment after being self employed for 21 years and having 3 plus years isolated from everyone while I fought this terrible battle. I also feared crying in an interview or just them seeing the sadness in my eyes. I can say it has become less and less. It takes time but I really believe I could be in front of someone regarding a job without an outburst.
It is that deep down pain and sadness. Disbelief it all has happened. I still cry once in a while but not the sudden outbursts like before.
Eralyn