I can’t believe that it is Labor Day. Here in the U.S., it’s the holiday that marks the end of summer, and all I can wonder is, where did the summer go? Yesterday, my husband, Terry, complained about a “time leak”—he swears that an hour is now only 40 minutes long.
Actually, of course, time keeps moving at the same pace, with the exception of the “leap second” added on June 30, 2012. (This apparently caused software problems all over the Internet.) Yes, time marches on—and we can use this to our advantage in recovering from the sociopath.
Involvements with sociopaths cause serious damage to our emotions, psychology, health, finances, social connections—to our very lives. We can recover, but it will take time.
How much time? It’s impossible to predict because every case is different. The short answer is that it will take as long as it takes—but there are steps you can take to make it go faster.
No Contact
First, and most important, have No Contact with the sociopath. Cut the person out of your life. No phone calls, text messages, email and certainly no in-person meetings. Why is this so important? Relationships with sociopaths change the structure and chemistry of your brain, much like addictions. In fact, many people experience these relationships as addictions. Therefore, you must break the addiction.
The longer you “stay on the wagon,” and maintain No Contact, the stronger you become. This is using time to your advantage. But as anyone who’s struggled with other types of addictions knows, if you give in to your addiction a little bit, you have to start all over again. The time you previously spent maintaining No Contact is lost.
In situations where you must have some type of contact, such as shared parenting, your goal is to do your best to minimize interactions. More importantly, you want to go for Emotional No Contact. This means you get to the point where the sociopath simply means nothing to you. You know and accept what the sociopath is, and when you see that typical behavior, you just roll your eyes.
Because No Contact is so important, it is one of the issues you need to consider when deciding whether or not to pursue holding the sociopath accountable for his or her actions. I believe sociopaths should be help accountable—they get away with their moral or actual crimes far too often, which emboldens them and harms society. But the truth is that going after the sociopath keeps you in contact with them, which can slow down your recovery. So you need to decide—is it worth it?
Hastening the recovery
The other thing that can make your recovery faster is consciously deciding that you are going to heal, and taking the necessary steps to do it.
First and foremost, take care of yourself—eat right, get exercise, get sleep, don’t smoke, drink or do drugs. Involvement with a sociopath may have left you with anxiety or depression. Healthy habits go a long way towards combating anxiety and depression.
You then need to decide that you’re going to deal with the emotional and psychological effects of the involvement, using whatever method works for you. If you can find a therapist who gets it—great. If you find comfort in church, prayer, meditation or spiritual practice—fabulous. I used both of these approaches—plus my personal favorite, pounding pillows in which I envisioned my ex-husband’s face. However you do it, you must get the toxic emotions and energy out of your system, or they will eat you up.
I also believe it’s important to look deep within ourselves, beyond the experience with the sociopath, to discover why we were susceptible to the sociopath in the first place. These human predators target our vulnerabilities. In fact, they can spot vulnerabilities that we don’t even know we have.
Did we have wounds from our childhood? Did we have mistaken beliefs that we were unworthy or unlovable? Something made us vulnerable. To truly recover, we must find out what it was and heal it.
If we maintain No Contact with the sociopath and focus on our own healing, over time, it will happen. And sooner or later, we’ll discover that our lives are happier than we ever thought they could be.
My last post should have started with “thank” you both, too.
So I have another horror story to tell you…. but first the good news. It’s been WEEKS since I was on here, and they have been difficult but good weeks. We sent the letter to IT’s wife, and she received it well. contacted me, spoke a bit to my daughter, confronted IT, and moved out. The courts intervened, and mandated that SHE live in the house and he move out, as she has custody of the children. He had supervised visits (one that I know of) — but that will soon end. She was able to obtain an order of protection, and was beginning to “move on.” That’s the good news…. now for the horror:
Then IT “found God” and went to the church the wife attends….. thankfully, we have many mutual friends who advised her against believing him — in spite of the fact that he sent us a letter of “apology” too… however, there was a contingent that said if she was a “good Christian wife” she’d take him back and work it out. She basically cut them out of her life, and continued to try to move on. BUt they continued to :work with: him — giving him “Christian COunsel” and encouraging her to take him back. so much unnecessary and foolish counsel…
My daughter and I have maintained NC for about a month now — until last night. After almost 5 weeks of NC, the wife sent me a message in which she told me that yesterday morning, he broke into her home, violating the protection order, sexually assaulted her, and then tried to kill her right before the kids — aged 2,3 and 4. Thankfully someone somehow intervened, and he is now sitting in jail facing multiple felony charges, waiting to see a judge. While I am SO GLAD he is where he belongs — my heart simply breaks at the cost of getting him there. SHe did everything right…… and he got to her anyway — and the kids saw it.
And those DAMNABLE “Christian” counselors — I hope they are ASHAMED of themselves for not believing the TRUTH about this criminal when they had so much evidence right in front of their stupid snotty noses. SHAME upon them!
Part of me also feels guilty…. when my own ex left us after I discovered his infidelity — both he and his mom said to me that if I had “just learned to share” and if I had “kept my big mouth shut” none of our conflict would have occurred. I still hear that voice… if I had kept my mouth shut in this instance, too, maybe none of this would have happened. It just breaks my heart. The only consolation I have is that she knows the truth — which she suspected all along — she can live in TRUTH now — and try to put her life back together — and he is in JAIL where he belongs…. but again — at what great price. Just feeling sad and conflicted tonight.
Kathy,
I’m so glad you intervened.
Think about it: he’s evil, so who can say he wouldn’t have tried to kill her eventually?
Mine was planning on killing me and he poisoned me for years with strychnine. So telling someone that they should cower, doesn’t necessarily protect them. You did the right thing. God intervened or fate or whatever you believe in.
He is where he belongs, in jail, in large part because of you. I’m proud of you.
Thank you for sharing the story, it’s good to hear about justice, once in a while.
My mom always said that she thought my ex was poisoning me as well. I was always mysteriously sick….for no apparent reason — and under his control when I was sick… so maybe she was right. I am just so glad to be out of it all…
And they ARE pure evil. I have never encountered so much evil — though intellectually we know it exists. To see it up close and personal is devastating and terrifying.
So I have been in touch with Victim Services and we all have “escape” and “safety ” plans in place — for when AND IF that monster is released. I hope to GOd that the justice system for once acts in favor of the victims and keeps him behind bars — which is where he belongs. He is looking at a very long extended vaca — and I hope he gets it. Blessings to all and I w ill keep you posted! <3
I’ve actually been sitting here for a while, wanting to type but not sure what..
I am physically exhausted by the thought of having to tell my story again.. I am desperate for advice but where do I even begin?
Currently I am somewhere between desperately clinging to my sanity and mind blowngly frustrated. I lost my entire life to a documented psychopath, please can somebody tell me how that even happened?
Susan,
don’t tell your story unless you’re ready. It is overwhelming. I told mine in bits and pieces. Nobody believed it anyway, not at first.
What they do is unbelievable.
You ARE sane.
It happened because nobody warned us. It happened because a spath is what happens while you’re making other plans….
No you didn’t lose your life. Your life was all about getting you to where you are now and where you will be tomorrow. You passed the spath course. you got your degree because you survived. Many smarter, wealthier, more prepared people didn’t make it. Spaths kill, you lived. congrats.
Do all spaths always intend to kill/destroy their victim? So, is the intention to kill you from the inside, even from a distance? Are they well aware of what they are doing? Do they really want you dead? I’m not speaking of those who really did try by poisening, I’m talking about they who really try to make you go mental.
Sunflower, um…………………yeah. The bottom line with spath behaviors is that they deliberately, intentionally, and with malice mean to dismantle whatever their targets have that they will never either have through hard work and effort, or by proxy.
Cars, affluence, properties, toys, gadgets, empathy, love, and compassion are all things that spaths WANT, and most of them are things that they will never have without either taking it from someone else (corporate job, etc.) or they weren’t endowed with, as a human being (empathy, compassion).
So, what they can’t have or weren’t born with, they take apart with a systematic precision that is surgical.
Brightest blessings
ok…thank you. But how can they take for example our dignity and make it their own? Is that what the smear campain is all about? So they can feel great and us looked down upon by others? So by taking our confidence makes them confident? I’ve been wondering about this for a long time. How do they take something away from us that isn’t materialistic, but ok, I think I get it now. They were first small, met us, made us small so they can feel as great as we did. hmm, ego feeders…. energy eaters… can’t stay without therefore always new targets. Omg….The clearer I see the diffence between me and them, the more I feel like I’m taking back my power. Thank you.
Sunflower, Yep, that SMEAR CAMPAIGN is all about taking our support system and either destroying it (people don’t believe us) or making it their own (people believe them, disbelieve us and support them)
Yes, it is difficult to believe that people would be so “mean” to another person….(only using “mean” for lack of a better word!) but they have no CONSCIENCE and NO compassion for the other person. They don’t give a big rat’s behind how you suffer because of what they say or do, and some psychopaths actually ENJOY your suffering, that’s the whole point of your suffering.
I’m sorry that your family “sides” with him and the rest think you are just “jealous” (that DISBELIEF is sometimes more painful to you than the ones that are actually “on his side” in my experience)
I had to let go of those people who didn’t believe me and realize that I couldn’t make them believe me…and that they never would believe me because the TRUTH was too “threatening” to them in some manner.
As for the EMDR, IT HELPED ME A LOT….for PTSD I think it is probably the best way to go. Give therapy time and don’t give up on it. Like any other kind of “medicine” it takes time for it to be effective. God bless.