I can’t believe that it is Labor Day. Here in the U.S., it’s the holiday that marks the end of summer, and all I can wonder is, where did the summer go? Yesterday, my husband, Terry, complained about a “time leak”—he swears that an hour is now only 40 minutes long.
Actually, of course, time keeps moving at the same pace, with the exception of the “leap second” added on June 30, 2012. (This apparently caused software problems all over the Internet.) Yes, time marches on—and we can use this to our advantage in recovering from the sociopath.
Involvements with sociopaths cause serious damage to our emotions, psychology, health, finances, social connections—to our very lives. We can recover, but it will take time.
How much time? It’s impossible to predict because every case is different. The short answer is that it will take as long as it takes—but there are steps you can take to make it go faster.
No Contact
First, and most important, have No Contact with the sociopath. Cut the person out of your life. No phone calls, text messages, email and certainly no in-person meetings. Why is this so important? Relationships with sociopaths change the structure and chemistry of your brain, much like addictions. In fact, many people experience these relationships as addictions. Therefore, you must break the addiction.
The longer you “stay on the wagon,” and maintain No Contact, the stronger you become. This is using time to your advantage. But as anyone who’s struggled with other types of addictions knows, if you give in to your addiction a little bit, you have to start all over again. The time you previously spent maintaining No Contact is lost.
In situations where you must have some type of contact, such as shared parenting, your goal is to do your best to minimize interactions. More importantly, you want to go for Emotional No Contact. This means you get to the point where the sociopath simply means nothing to you. You know and accept what the sociopath is, and when you see that typical behavior, you just roll your eyes.
Because No Contact is so important, it is one of the issues you need to consider when deciding whether or not to pursue holding the sociopath accountable for his or her actions. I believe sociopaths should be help accountable—they get away with their moral or actual crimes far too often, which emboldens them and harms society. But the truth is that going after the sociopath keeps you in contact with them, which can slow down your recovery. So you need to decide—is it worth it?
Hastening the recovery
The other thing that can make your recovery faster is consciously deciding that you are going to heal, and taking the necessary steps to do it.
First and foremost, take care of yourself—eat right, get exercise, get sleep, don’t smoke, drink or do drugs. Involvement with a sociopath may have left you with anxiety or depression. Healthy habits go a long way towards combating anxiety and depression.
You then need to decide that you’re going to deal with the emotional and psychological effects of the involvement, using whatever method works for you. If you can find a therapist who gets it—great. If you find comfort in church, prayer, meditation or spiritual practice—fabulous. I used both of these approaches—plus my personal favorite, pounding pillows in which I envisioned my ex-husband’s face. However you do it, you must get the toxic emotions and energy out of your system, or they will eat you up.
I also believe it’s important to look deep within ourselves, beyond the experience with the sociopath, to discover why we were susceptible to the sociopath in the first place. These human predators target our vulnerabilities. In fact, they can spot vulnerabilities that we don’t even know we have.
Did we have wounds from our childhood? Did we have mistaken beliefs that we were unworthy or unlovable? Something made us vulnerable. To truly recover, we must find out what it was and heal it.
If we maintain No Contact with the sociopath and focus on our own healing, over time, it will happen. And sooner or later, we’ll discover that our lives are happier than we ever thought they could be.
Truthspeak, I do the same thing sometimes. Burst into tears and then ask myself, “why am I crying?”
Let’s not forget that many of us can be suffering from PTSD. I have not found a therapist where I live that even understands psychopathy much less PTSD. I dont know how long you have been NO CONTACT from your pathological, but at some point you might want to talk with a therapist about PTSD.
I finalized my divorce last week, so I am in total NO CONTACT. When I saw him last week I felt NOTHING. I really had not thought about what I would feel – allowing my moment to define the “moment”. I was so proud of me.
I exchanged about 10 words with him about the divorce and that was it. Finally, the last 20 months of agony ended.
I also suggest reading Sandra L Browns’ book “Women who love Psychopaths”. This book has provided me with many insights about the disorder as well as why I was a target and what I do with MYSELF moving forward.
Peace and blessings to all of you in your continuing recovery!
Good Morning All,
This article is so timely. I really appreciate reading the comments. I know I am not alone. I really only have one person near me that truly understands the psycopath, and all I have been through and am recovering from. Tomorrow will be four months since I have seen “crazy.” She continues to stalk me, hunt for me. The only time I breathe easy is in the confines of my home or when I am out of town. I vacilate between purposely not going anywhere that I know she haunts, especially my AA meetings, and being pissed off about the fact that I can’t safely go whereever I want to go. I do believe she is a danger to me. She texted my d-in-law the other day. She asked her if she thought I would ever speak to her again. Fortunately my d-in-law did not respond. Per my request. My d-in-law and I are the best of friends. She is the one person that understands. The NC rule is a Must!
Sisterseven, have you considered getting involved in some counseling therapy for a bit? I’m a strong advocate of counseling, especially when regular safety networks are damaged by spaths (AA, support groups, mutual friends, etc.).
What you described, as I remember it, definitely fell within the parameters of domestic abuse and violence. If you contact your local domestic violence hotline, they can put you in touch with a list of counselors that “get it,” and most of these counselors provide their services at little-or-no-cost. I’m going to call for myself, this morning (as a complete aside).
Also, with the stalking….I wish that I had something helpful to offer. My experiences with reporting stalking/harassment have been that I was viewed as an over-emotional female and ignored. The domestic violence people may be able to assist you with that, as well.
To find your local hotline, you can visit http://www.ndvh.org for regional and local resources. Also, women’s advocacy groups can sometimes be helpful.
No Contact ….. yep, it’s the first and most important step to recovery.
Brightest blessings
Hope52, when I was involved in counseling on a weekly basis, I was taking some serious action and doing some hard work. I still need counseling, and may for a long, long time to come.
Once I’m on my feet, financially, I’ll be getting a number of books. I still have my PSTD workbook from the stalking situation of 4 years ago, so I can get that out and go back over some of this stuff, again. And, once I get involved in some counseling, I believe that I’ll have more tools to use to manage these symptoms.
Brightest blessings
Okay……so……..
I called the county’s “Victim’s Services” number. They provide “peer” counseling and not long-term, therapeudic counseling. There are no therapy counselors available in the entire county. I was given a list of numbers to call in neighboring counties. None of those contacts were able to point me in any direction that was local and/or affordable – one clinic (about an hour away) provides walk-in-crisis services when someone’s about to bleed themselves out in their bathtub, but they don’t accept any other insurances than Medicare and Medicaid.
After being on the phone for an hour, speaking with dozens of voices, I finally contacted a local church. At least, the person answering the phone was going to reach out and see what she could find out. I finally broke down and said that even a support group would be some help – none exists in this entire county, according to “Victim’s Services.”
Dammit, that’s insane! I know on an academic level that this county has a high rate of domestic violence – very rural, isolated, and backwards. Why isn’t there anything available? (snarl, hiss, spit) Yeah, there’s a number to call if there’s immediate danger, but there’s no resources available to assist survivors in the long haul.
I should get my farking degree and start something, myself!
Grrrrrrrrrrrr………it just makes no sense to me to have a number to call and have “Well, here’s how you get out” being the only help available. It’s going to take some legwork, but something’s going to be out there for me, and for others.
Brightest blessings
The best groups I found were Al Anon and Incest survivors Anonymous. A psychopath is very much worse than most alcoholics and most times both. You will fit in there; find a 12 step group if nothing else is available. They saved my life back when no one even recognized a psychopath except as a serial killer.
Truthspeak,
I have had the same experience. When I first went “mental” and realized I needed professional help I naturally went to my insurance carrier for a referral. I am on a Medicare Advantage plan and called several doctors listed on their website and in their published list of approved doctors. Each and every one said they no longer took this insurance because my carrier had subbed out their mental health division to a third party carrier. After about three hours on the phone going back and forth between my insurance and the “third party” I was told I needed to go to my County Mental Health clinic. I called there and was told their first available appointment was in three weeks. I was in a manic state and needed help now, not in three weeks! A nice young man answering the phone must have realized what a critical state I was in and gave me an emergency appointment for that afternoon.
When I showed up at my County Mental Health office I was interviewed by a woman, what her credentials were I have no idea. After telling her my tale of woe she told me I would have to go through an interview process before I could receive any actual counceling. I needed to see their financial department first so they could figure out how I was going to pay. Then I would see their intake specialist who would determine whether I needed to see a “shrink” or a counselor. When I asked the difference I was told that the shrink would be the one to administer drugs should I need them, the counselors could not. I then asked what qualifications the counselors had and was told they were “master” counselors. I asked what that meant. Did they have some kind of degree? The woman I was speaking to did not know. She then left the room to find out about appointments. When she returned she told me the first available appointment with their financial department was three weeks away and the counselor was 5 weeks away. She did give me the number of their “Crisis Line” in case I needed it in the meantime. Since I felt on the edge of harming myself I went home and called a counselor from the phone book and have been seeing her and paying out of pocket.
The professional Mental Health community seems to have no idea of how serious this condition is. It is a documented fact the the highest insidence of depression in the US is in the senior community and this is how they are treated.
Donna, you seem to have many contacts and are becoming quite well known. Can you help us educate this professional community about our situation. Do you have an address or phone number we can call in the government that we can register a complaint with? My last session with my counselor is tomorrow. I cannot afford to go any longer and pay out of pocket because I am on SS.
This website has been a God send. I come here continually and always am helped, but, I too am frustrated at the lack of understanding by the “professionals”.
Well, once again I identify with Donna’s blog topic and so many of the comments. The head shaking, yep, that’s me, yep, that happened. Yep, I cried for 6 months almost steadily, choked on what little food I could get down, lost 30 pounds, hid in my house, cried some more when I realized the depth of betrayal. When I realized it really was all a joke to him. A game he played at my expense.
It’s been 2.5 years since I filed for divorce – and yes I still cry, but rarely now and it can be something weird, like experiencing the tender interaction with a baby or observing a couple holding hands and obviously smitten, etc My thoughts say “I wish that was me”
Well, it is going to be me – just at a later time in my life than I had planned.
Even though my divorce is technically final. It’s not really final. He won’t close out joint credit cards that he is the primary. He won’t agree on how to split the retirement accounts even though a judge already signed off on “How to” he won’t pay up the distributions that have been allocated to me.
We are going back into court in just a couple days and I think I am ready to be in the same room with “him” because otherwise it’ll just be the back and forth BS. I don’t really have to FACE him. I just want to hear his lies first hand, offer my best documentation to prove otherwise and try to get something clear cut to move on.
The only contact we have now are emails related to finalizing the divorce. The divorce that was finalized more than 8 months ago, but he won’t execute the “agreements.”
My friends tell me that is his way of saying he still wants to be married to you. Well, I disagree… it’s a way of keeping contact and feeling in control. That’s all.
Should I not be in the same room for a Settlement Officer Conference? I think I’m ready. I can be objective. I think I can pull off being non-emotional and matter of fact.
Is there any reason this is a bad idea?
Dupey,
So glad you changed your number. It’s not giving in.
It’s taking care of yourself.
Hugs!!
To 2nd Chance: As a 75 year old woman I have a lifetime of experience dealing with psychopaths. First in my 23 year marriage to one, and recently, having to accept the fact that my 5 once-beautiful children have developed the exact same symptoms. Upon graduating high school, I was proud of the children I had raised and “saved” from their father’s abuse. They were intelligent, healthy, happy and conscientious people ready to make a positive contribution to the world. Or so I thought! Over the decades, emotional alienation grew between us until last year when my 39 year old youngest, physically threatened me and stated that he and all his siblings would commit me! Upon advice from my attorney and all psychology experts, I was forced to accept NC with all of them and have had no contact ever since. It has been heartbreaking! I had believed we had miraculously escaped what the experts had always said was an illness which was highly transmissable genetically. So let me warn all Lovefraud readers that they may be faced with the double whammy of not only their “ex’s”, but then their beloved children becomming psychopaths as well. My love and compassion goes out to every victim of this growing affliction in our increasingly mercinary society.