I can’t believe that it is Labor Day. Here in the U.S., it’s the holiday that marks the end of summer, and all I can wonder is, where did the summer go? Yesterday, my husband, Terry, complained about a “time leak”—he swears that an hour is now only 40 minutes long.
Actually, of course, time keeps moving at the same pace, with the exception of the “leap second” added on June 30, 2012. (This apparently caused software problems all over the Internet.) Yes, time marches on—and we can use this to our advantage in recovering from the sociopath.
Involvements with sociopaths cause serious damage to our emotions, psychology, health, finances, social connections—to our very lives. We can recover, but it will take time.
How much time? It’s impossible to predict because every case is different. The short answer is that it will take as long as it takes—but there are steps you can take to make it go faster.
No Contact
First, and most important, have No Contact with the sociopath. Cut the person out of your life. No phone calls, text messages, email and certainly no in-person meetings. Why is this so important? Relationships with sociopaths change the structure and chemistry of your brain, much like addictions. In fact, many people experience these relationships as addictions. Therefore, you must break the addiction.
The longer you “stay on the wagon,” and maintain No Contact, the stronger you become. This is using time to your advantage. But as anyone who’s struggled with other types of addictions knows, if you give in to your addiction a little bit, you have to start all over again. The time you previously spent maintaining No Contact is lost.
In situations where you must have some type of contact, such as shared parenting, your goal is to do your best to minimize interactions. More importantly, you want to go for Emotional No Contact. This means you get to the point where the sociopath simply means nothing to you. You know and accept what the sociopath is, and when you see that typical behavior, you just roll your eyes.
Because No Contact is so important, it is one of the issues you need to consider when deciding whether or not to pursue holding the sociopath accountable for his or her actions. I believe sociopaths should be help accountable—they get away with their moral or actual crimes far too often, which emboldens them and harms society. But the truth is that going after the sociopath keeps you in contact with them, which can slow down your recovery. So you need to decide—is it worth it?
Hastening the recovery
The other thing that can make your recovery faster is consciously deciding that you are going to heal, and taking the necessary steps to do it.
First and foremost, take care of yourself—eat right, get exercise, get sleep, don’t smoke, drink or do drugs. Involvement with a sociopath may have left you with anxiety or depression. Healthy habits go a long way towards combating anxiety and depression.
You then need to decide that you’re going to deal with the emotional and psychological effects of the involvement, using whatever method works for you. If you can find a therapist who gets it—great. If you find comfort in church, prayer, meditation or spiritual practice—fabulous. I used both of these approaches—plus my personal favorite, pounding pillows in which I envisioned my ex-husband’s face. However you do it, you must get the toxic emotions and energy out of your system, or they will eat you up.
I also believe it’s important to look deep within ourselves, beyond the experience with the sociopath, to discover why we were susceptible to the sociopath in the first place. These human predators target our vulnerabilities. In fact, they can spot vulnerabilities that we don’t even know we have.
Did we have wounds from our childhood? Did we have mistaken beliefs that we were unworthy or unlovable? Something made us vulnerable. To truly recover, we must find out what it was and heal it.
If we maintain No Contact with the sociopath and focus on our own healing, over time, it will happen. And sooner or later, we’ll discover that our lives are happier than we ever thought they could be.
Flicka,
I feel for you.
I read one of your other posts once – and yes… thank you for reminding us all that there are no guarantees. There just aren’t. I am really sorry for your circumstances and yes – it must be heartbreaking. My hope for you is that you have some good friends and neighbors and find contentment
I worry as well about my kids. They see that others “get ahead” when they lie, so they think why shouldn’t I? They see others smoke pot and no obvious or immediate consequences, so why shouldn’t I? I see the habits and patterns and think to myself, can I break the chain? can I influence the seemingly genetic link to some behavior? can I reel it in?
Sometimes I feel like I can have some effect but I do worry that my kids can eventually be bought. .And HE WILL if given the chance try to. He has plenty of inheritance facing him in the eyes and his relationship with his mother is the best it’s ever been since our divorce. Funny that!
I think that if I teach them hard work and honesty will bring the best life that they will understand. More and more I feel like I just need to keep my concerns on myself, keep talking to my kids and lead by example. What will be, will be.
Darwinsmom,
HaHa… Fantastic! Your entire pre planned, “organized pity party” rocks! Thank you for sharing. Will be giving it a go…
Hello folks, — new to this site, but have already found it very helpful to realize that I am NOT ALONE in the hell I’m living through, and there IS hope! I also realize that men are a minority as VICTIMS of sociopaths, but I’m sure there are others.
Reading through the list of characteristics of an “abused woman” (as posted by Radar_On), I recognize 100% of them in myself! Even the point of believing in gender stereotypes — except that in my case, my FAILURE to be the “strong powerful male” just fed my belief that I wasn’t good enough. As with so many things, all of this comes down to individuals, and not gender, or race, or any broad-brush stereotype.
Just a note on crying … I have had a few spontaneous bawling sessions, too — one in the middle of my work day in my office that I couldn’t shut off and had an embarrassing time hiding. Another came listening to Neil Diamond’s “Oh Mary, oh Mary” — I was just lying in bed listening to the CD for the first time and quite literally soaked my pillow!
I believe that I was mourning not so much the death of a relationship, or even the acknowledgement of allowing myself to be abused and marginalized for two decades, but more so the potential death of my entire worldview — that people are innately good; that “happily ever after” is possible; that a soul-mate exists for me; that true love (a la Bing Crosby and Grace Kelly in “High Society”) is desirable and happens for people in real life.
Like so many others here, (everyone?) I am now trying to isolate the part of “me” that lies at the heart of my prior overly-romanticized world-view (but which I want to KEEP). Then, I will work on a way to protect that essential “me” and raise it again in the “real world” — which is more hostile than I imagined, but in which I must live.
All the best to everyone here as you move onward and upward!
Dear Flicka,
I am so sorry that at age 75 you have had to go NC with all the children you have put your life and your love into raising. It happens. One child, all your children, it doesn’t matter, IT HURTS LIKE HELL to realize that your kid, the child you loved,, that you thought had ESCAPED the DNA is indeed a user and abuser just like daddy-o.
I am fortunate that I have an adopted child that though he has some psychopathic DNA in his background is one of the most kind, caring,, loving individuals in the UNIVERSE and he is there for me. WOW! I have a “child” (now a wonderful man) who loves me and I am BLESSED BEYOND MEASURE…I feel like Isaac who had the “child of his old age” to love him,, I feel like Job who lost all his children and yet had more later.
It shouldn’t be that our children turn out to be monsters or abusers but sometimes it does. The DNA is there, and is a big influence on some of them, less influence on others.
Only one of my biological sons is a full fledged psychhpath but the other biiological son is not a man I care to have as a friend or intimate in my life. I’m not afraid of him, I just don’t LIKE HIM. I have less pain when I am not around him. So that’s the way it is.
Flicka, just love the friends you do have and make the best of your life without your kids in it. God bless.
Honestkindgiver, I agree with you, all we can do is lead by EXAMPLE and kids as they mature MAKE THEIR OWN CHOICES and bad companions DO CORRUPT GOOD MORALS, the Bible tells us so and it is pretty obvious that is true. But we can’t control the choices they make. We just have to accept what happens and take care of OURSELVES. Realize too, that we are not ALONE in this. There are many other parents out there with the same griefs at children “lost” to them that we have. God bless.
@Hope52…if you have an opportunity, please look into two techniques called EFT and TAT. Both of these are available for free on the internet, free to download, free to use. I had PTSD for 18 years, which was caused by something that happened way before I met my spath. EFT worked and if the therapist who originally showed it to me had known what she was doing, I would have been free of it in the first session. However, she had only just learned it herself at a seminar the previous weekend. She uses it all the time, because she told me, she finally has a “tool” that actually works quickly.
I use it when I read the articles and the comments that follow, because it brings up issues sometimes that I had never even considered. The best part about EFT is that if the issue is cleared, it’s gone for good. You can’t even make it come back. I know, I tried at first, because funnily enough, I actually missed it, since I had had it so long. It became a part of my identity. But I soon let that go. It was like cleaning out the garage and now I could finally get my car back in! My real self, my real identity.
My heart just breaks some times when I read the comments. I want to get well and I want everyone else on here (because I know we are nice people and we deserve it) to get well also.
Please check into it when you get a chance
Blessings to everyone here.
Honestkindgiver- Living in the “good ole boy” south, I don’t find attorneys or the courts are much help. We get judges who are thrice divorced and don’t believe in a mother’s importance in childcare etc. Also, psychopaths seem to find ways to circumvent the law. I.E. my “ex” claimed he wasn’t earning any salary when I knew he was being paid in Timeshares instead but I didn’t have the money to take real estate firm AND him to court so I gave up all support and struggled on 2 minimum wage jobs. The childen naturally saw all this circumvention and that may have propelled them to copy their father’s ways as he appeared the winner. Good luck with the legal system…maybe yours is more favorable.
Dear Flicka, I agree with you about the “good old boy” south. We just had a psychopathic guy elected judge in our county and it made me sick! He won by 119 votes. ONLY 119 votes by people who didn’t know him, or didn’t care….it broke my heart.
He will be deciding about families and he is such a piece of carp., In fact, he was the attorney for my egg donor that FOUGHT hard in court to keep the sexual sadist pedophile in my mother’s home as her “live in care giver” ….the judge threw the guy out, but within a month he was back…so I went into hiding until his arrest for trying to kill my son C.
Shane and Thruthspeak,
LOL, yes it rocks! Who ever said that you can’t turn pain of the soul into some enjoyable self-indulgence at least? Just be careful with how often you do it: don’t want my pity-fest advice to cause chocolate and/or alcohol addiction.
The best thing about it though is that it is the only way I know to have a friend present without feeling guilty for pouring my heart out. At the very least, the tearjerker movie is sure to make them wheepy themselves, and you end up bawling your eyes out in each other’s consoling hugs.
And another advantage I experienced whenever I did it was that if I felt close to being onverwhelmed by grief at inappropriate moments, I could tell myself… you hold on now, you’re free to indulge coming Saturday night. And that would help.
newlife43
“If the issue is cleared, it’s gone for good.” Amen
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2012/08/30/what-did-the-sociopath-give-me-and-why-is-it-so-hard-to-let-it-go/comment-page-1/#comment-168977
When the emotions are removed from the event it no longer has meaning to us. Which means no hooks to trigger. No more knee jerk reactions.
“It became a part of my identity.”
Yes it’s not who you really are as you said below. But who you thought you where. We are not our felling or our thoughts. We are more then the parts.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2012/07/30/after-the-sociopath-make-a-decision-to-recover/comment-page-3/#comment-167560
“But I soon let that go. It was like cleaning out the garage and now I could finally get my car back in! My real self, my real identity”
Yes you are more then the feelings. And well said.
“My heart just breaks some times when I read the comments.”
I do know what you mean.
Thanks
spoon
@....... Darwinsmom,
I love what you have expressed here, within the following:
“And another advantage I experienced whenever I did it was that if I felt close to being onverwhelmed by grief at inappropriate moments, I could tell myself” you hold on now, you’re free to indulge coming Saturday night. And that would help”.
Beautifully stated and makes much sense.
No worries with regard to creating chocolate addiction. I have been a chocolate addict (and self professed Connoisseur) for a very long time. Especially that of the dark variety!! YUM !!
Thank you for the wise and positive ideas (and advice)!