I can’t believe that it is Labor Day. Here in the U.S., it’s the holiday that marks the end of summer, and all I can wonder is, where did the summer go? Yesterday, my husband, Terry, complained about a “time leak”—he swears that an hour is now only 40 minutes long.
Actually, of course, time keeps moving at the same pace, with the exception of the “leap second” added on June 30, 2012. (This apparently caused software problems all over the Internet.) Yes, time marches on—and we can use this to our advantage in recovering from the sociopath.
Involvements with sociopaths cause serious damage to our emotions, psychology, health, finances, social connections—to our very lives. We can recover, but it will take time.
How much time? It’s impossible to predict because every case is different. The short answer is that it will take as long as it takes—but there are steps you can take to make it go faster.
No Contact
First, and most important, have No Contact with the sociopath. Cut the person out of your life. No phone calls, text messages, email and certainly no in-person meetings. Why is this so important? Relationships with sociopaths change the structure and chemistry of your brain, much like addictions. In fact, many people experience these relationships as addictions. Therefore, you must break the addiction.
The longer you “stay on the wagon,” and maintain No Contact, the stronger you become. This is using time to your advantage. But as anyone who’s struggled with other types of addictions knows, if you give in to your addiction a little bit, you have to start all over again. The time you previously spent maintaining No Contact is lost.
In situations where you must have some type of contact, such as shared parenting, your goal is to do your best to minimize interactions. More importantly, you want to go for Emotional No Contact. This means you get to the point where the sociopath simply means nothing to you. You know and accept what the sociopath is, and when you see that typical behavior, you just roll your eyes.
Because No Contact is so important, it is one of the issues you need to consider when deciding whether or not to pursue holding the sociopath accountable for his or her actions. I believe sociopaths should be help accountable—they get away with their moral or actual crimes far too often, which emboldens them and harms society. But the truth is that going after the sociopath keeps you in contact with them, which can slow down your recovery. So you need to decide—is it worth it?
Hastening the recovery
The other thing that can make your recovery faster is consciously deciding that you are going to heal, and taking the necessary steps to do it.
First and foremost, take care of yourself—eat right, get exercise, get sleep, don’t smoke, drink or do drugs. Involvement with a sociopath may have left you with anxiety or depression. Healthy habits go a long way towards combating anxiety and depression.
You then need to decide that you’re going to deal with the emotional and psychological effects of the involvement, using whatever method works for you. If you can find a therapist who gets it—great. If you find comfort in church, prayer, meditation or spiritual practice—fabulous. I used both of these approaches—plus my personal favorite, pounding pillows in which I envisioned my ex-husband’s face. However you do it, you must get the toxic emotions and energy out of your system, or they will eat you up.
I also believe it’s important to look deep within ourselves, beyond the experience with the sociopath, to discover why we were susceptible to the sociopath in the first place. These human predators target our vulnerabilities. In fact, they can spot vulnerabilities that we don’t even know we have.
Did we have wounds from our childhood? Did we have mistaken beliefs that we were unworthy or unlovable? Something made us vulnerable. To truly recover, we must find out what it was and heal it.
If we maintain No Contact with the sociopath and focus on our own healing, over time, it will happen. And sooner or later, we’ll discover that our lives are happier than we ever thought they could be.
Stormy, I very well may look into Al Anon. I had been involved in 12 Step programs a long while back. And, since I’m becoming more comfortable with setting boundaries, I won’t be so apt to spew my woes and open the door so quickly. VERY good suggestion.
Flicka, I am so terribly sorry that you’ve had the experiences that you did. I’m personally familiar with the “Good ‘Ole Boy” form of Family Court, and it stinks on every level. I have learned that DNA does not make “family.” I know too many people who share DNA with others that are cruel, vicious, controlling, and manipulative, and many of them have made the difficult choice to go No Contact. Those around you who truly love you – without demands or expectations – are your “family.” Nobody who is “family” will threaten someone they love, and I send you strong hugs.
FortuneCookieDad, we don’t see a lot of statistics about male victims of sociopaths or domestic violence/abuse simply because of the stigma attached. Women can be (and, ARE) far more devious and cunning in their manipulations and abuses. They use their tears, their femininity, and sexuality in a combination that literally dismantles a man’s core values, on every level. It is vital that men speak up so that the “professionals” get a clear picture of just how rampant spathy truly is.
Darwinsmom, yes…..I love the idea of planning a pity-party rather than indulging spontaneously. I’ve been really, REALLY having a hard time with my situation, and I’m rather sick and tired of “feeling” sick and tired.
Brightest blessings to all
Alright….since it’s apparent that I won’t be engaging in therapeudic counseling anytime soon, I have a very serious anxiety issue, here.
Without recollecting the past year’s events. I’ve relocated to an area that I previously lived in for 2 years. During that time, I was generally alone and friends with someone that turned out to be spath – at least, she fits the profile. This gal is an ex-convict that served time for identity theft in the women’s penitentiary. SO…….she has been working as a waitress ever since she got out and moved here, some 7 years ago.
A very good friend called me up, months ago, to let me know that this gal was telling her customers erroneous and bogus details about the collapse of my marriage. I contacted my attorney, and she spoke to HIS attorney, etc. My concern was that she was talking to customers, unbidden, about things that were none of their business, and could very well damage my reputation in this county of 6000 residents.
I have encountered a few people in the past week that seem to know a great deal about my situation – albeit, incorrect information, but they’re “involved,” nevertheless.
So, at this point, I’m experiencing extreme anxiety about going out into the county in an attempt to find employment. Certainly, my mind is telling me that “everyone” isn’t going to pay attention to this gal’s accusations, but many have heard the rumors from her own mouth and I’m hyper-concerned about it. Her father-in-law is on the County School Board, and her husband works in a posh local environment that brings him into contact with locally “connected” people.
Any suggestions on dealing with the anxiety and the rumors?
Thanks, in advance!
Brightest blessings
Truthspeak, unless you can hire an attorney and sue her for slander, there is nothing you can do. So here is my advice. Let it go and don’t worry about it. Ignore her, cut her off, and don’t put one ounce of energy into this. You need your energy to focus on more positive things. Please believe me when I say that your energy and presence will have much more effect on the people you meet than whatever lies a petty spath will tell.
When you go out looking for employment, put your best foot forward as anyone would do. You don’t owe anyone any explanations about your personal life. Your personal life is nothing for you to be ashamed of, and it’s not anybody’s business. If you are in a job interview, and someone brings up your life or your past (as told by the spath), you can stop and pause. Then say, “Hmmmm, that’s not exactly how it is. Maybe some time I’ll tell you the real story if you’re interested. But for now, just know that I am extremely reliable and will do a great job for your company.” It’s not appropriate for anyone to be bringing up your personal business in an interview anyway. Or if a mutual friend approaches you with the lies, you can say something like, (again, pause to reflect before you speak): “She said that? Hmmm, oh well, I guess if you choose to believe that, there’s nothing I can do. Have a great day!” Smile and walk away. Do NOT let this stuff bother you. If someone isn’t even going to grant you an interview because of some rumor they heard, there is not a damn thing you can do about it – presumably you won’t even know about it. So why worry about it? Their loss. There will be someone out there who will hire you and think you are fabulous.
This is just setting boundaries, both internally (in your mind) and externally. If you know you have the right to set boundaries, and you can do it gracefully, then you DON’T have to worry about all this stuff right now that hasn’t even happened.
Does this make sense, truthy?
Yes, there are a lot of spaths out there. But if you focus on them and give them power, they will suck your life away.
FortuneCookieDad: Appreciate your posting! The fact that the ways of the spath knows no gender for sure! My heart really went out to you, as well as all the other posters on here. It’s heartbreaking isn’t it? That we live in a society, that evil monsters such as these people can live, breathe and move about…seeking whom they may devour? Absolutely, yes! In your comment you said: “I believe that I was mourning not so much the death of a relationship, or even the acknowledgement of allowing myself to be abused and marginalized for two decades, but more so the potential death of my entire worldview that people are innately good; that “happily ever after” is possible; that a soul-mate exists for me; that true love (a la Bing Crosby and Grace Kelly in “High Society”) is desirable and happens for people in real life.” Thank you for stating that! For, I have/am going thru the same thing! In addition to that, I’ve always been the type of person to do the “right” thing, be honest and up front in any given situation. My situation has harshly taught me that isn’t always the case! Always been the type of person that honesty and truthfulness SHOULD BE recipricol? I grew up believing so…unfortunately. In my post above I saw myself here: Her best ’strategy’ is often to hope that others will do right by her. (This strategy causes frequent, painful disappointment.) As I type this, I could just cry, for many “beliefs” I’ve held for so long….doing the right thing…being honest…and so on…….well let’s just say, am really struggling with so much of this!!! You also said: “Like so many others here, (everyone?) I am now trying to isolate the part of “me” that lies at the heart of my prior overly-romanticized world-view (but which I want to KEEP). Then, I will work on a way to protect that essential “me” and raise it again in the “real world” which is more hostile than I imagined, but in which I must live.” Again, THANK YOU for stating that!!! I share this as well!!! If you have’nt read my story, it is here: http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2012/08/31/letters-to-lovefraud-we-met-at-church-i-thought-he-was-a-decent-man/ Best wishes to you, sir! May you find peace, as well as balance in your situation!
Stargazer, you’re absolutely right – 100%.
And, there will be no discussion of my personal issues, under any circumstances. I won’t allow it and I won’t allow myself to be drawn into the drama/trauma-mill. If people need drama/trauma, they can find it elsewhere.
Thanks for your input on this issue. I believe that everyone who is recovering from spath entanglements experiences the smear campaign – I do. Spaths desperately want people to believe that they know everything about everyone and that THEY are the only source of information. The ex-con is generally pegged for what she is, and I need to keep this in mind. She has no power and I don’t need to give her any by way of my energies.
Thanks, again! 😀
no contact is an underestimated neccesity! I am 4 years into my “holding the spath accountable”. If I had only truely heeded this one rule…i would have been so far ahead of where i am now. He would sweet talk me between court dates for 3 years!!!!…now who is just “stupid” and he was so sincere i really believed him…. i am said to have ptsd, and ……syndrome, from being so brain washed for 20 years…but still..when you finally get it…you are sooooo screwed, you just have given yourself more betrayal etc to deal with. 4 years and still trying…but not sure how much longer i can make it ….as somehow he got the companies, the stocks, bonds, cash etc, and i got the debt……tough going here…trying to keep my ranch….but….its my fault for not believing the severity of NO CONTACT. it is essential to your survival to heed this …….. in the stricktest form…….remember me when you believe his or her b/s…..cause it is designed to only get the better of you. i wonder if i will ever heal of the bizare relationship…that i did not realize was bizare..so strange to try to explain. big hugs to all of you !!!!!
Hi Truthy,
My two pence re your earlier post……If people listen to her and her idle gossip then let em is what I say. “Truth of the pudding is in the eating” is a saying we have here. I and am sure many, many others …..like to make my own mind up about someone. You’ll be fine. Be yourself and people will warm to you as they have here. I’m not sure your friend who told you she was spreading rumours about you was being a good friend?
Keep your chin up and keep believing in yourself
Hello katstalker,
so sorry to hear you’ve had such a lengthy, arduous journey. I wanted to say thank you for your post. No Contact is necessary and we need people like you to highlight the consequences of breaking that NC. How many times can we keep doing it to ourselves? We believe their BS and then it’s back to square 1. Thank you again. Long live NC!!!!
Truthy,
People are gonna “talk” that is what the low lifes do…If someone says something to you about your divorce or asks a question, just look at them stunned, dumbfounded and say “why in the world would you ASK THAT?” (or SAY that< as appropriate) it puts the ball back into their court and puts THEM on the defensive not you.
That is an old "Ann Landers" reply, She was a love-lorn writer back when I was a kid where people wrote in to ask advice. Dear Abby was her twin sister. Dear Abby's daughter writes that one now but not sure if Ann Landers is still going or not. I know the original woman is dead, but that ONE THING stuck in my mind and I have used it from time to time when people pry into my business or try to get a fight started by telling me what someone else said.
You can't keep that ex convict (BTW I think there are NO EX convicts, just ones out of jail) from running her mouth it makes her feel important to tear down someone else.
Just let it slide off your back and dont let it ruin your day.
Welcome Katstalker,
you are so right about NO CONTACT!