I can’t believe that it is Labor Day. Here in the U.S., it’s the holiday that marks the end of summer, and all I can wonder is, where did the summer go? Yesterday, my husband, Terry, complained about a “time leak”—he swears that an hour is now only 40 minutes long.
Actually, of course, time keeps moving at the same pace, with the exception of the “leap second” added on June 30, 2012. (This apparently caused software problems all over the Internet.) Yes, time marches on—and we can use this to our advantage in recovering from the sociopath.
Involvements with sociopaths cause serious damage to our emotions, psychology, health, finances, social connections—to our very lives. We can recover, but it will take time.
How much time? It’s impossible to predict because every case is different. The short answer is that it will take as long as it takes—but there are steps you can take to make it go faster.
No Contact
First, and most important, have No Contact with the sociopath. Cut the person out of your life. No phone calls, text messages, email and certainly no in-person meetings. Why is this so important? Relationships with sociopaths change the structure and chemistry of your brain, much like addictions. In fact, many people experience these relationships as addictions. Therefore, you must break the addiction.
The longer you “stay on the wagon,” and maintain No Contact, the stronger you become. This is using time to your advantage. But as anyone who’s struggled with other types of addictions knows, if you give in to your addiction a little bit, you have to start all over again. The time you previously spent maintaining No Contact is lost.
In situations where you must have some type of contact, such as shared parenting, your goal is to do your best to minimize interactions. More importantly, you want to go for Emotional No Contact. This means you get to the point where the sociopath simply means nothing to you. You know and accept what the sociopath is, and when you see that typical behavior, you just roll your eyes.
Because No Contact is so important, it is one of the issues you need to consider when deciding whether or not to pursue holding the sociopath accountable for his or her actions. I believe sociopaths should be help accountable—they get away with their moral or actual crimes far too often, which emboldens them and harms society. But the truth is that going after the sociopath keeps you in contact with them, which can slow down your recovery. So you need to decide—is it worth it?
Hastening the recovery
The other thing that can make your recovery faster is consciously deciding that you are going to heal, and taking the necessary steps to do it.
First and foremost, take care of yourself—eat right, get exercise, get sleep, don’t smoke, drink or do drugs. Involvement with a sociopath may have left you with anxiety or depression. Healthy habits go a long way towards combating anxiety and depression.
You then need to decide that you’re going to deal with the emotional and psychological effects of the involvement, using whatever method works for you. If you can find a therapist who gets it—great. If you find comfort in church, prayer, meditation or spiritual practice—fabulous. I used both of these approaches—plus my personal favorite, pounding pillows in which I envisioned my ex-husband’s face. However you do it, you must get the toxic emotions and energy out of your system, or they will eat you up.
I also believe it’s important to look deep within ourselves, beyond the experience with the sociopath, to discover why we were susceptible to the sociopath in the first place. These human predators target our vulnerabilities. In fact, they can spot vulnerabilities that we don’t even know we have.
Did we have wounds from our childhood? Did we have mistaken beliefs that we were unworthy or unlovable? Something made us vulnerable. To truly recover, we must find out what it was and heal it.
If we maintain No Contact with the sociopath and focus on our own healing, over time, it will happen. And sooner or later, we’ll discover that our lives are happier than we ever thought they could be.
He sounds dangerous, and he may have been shaking, thinking of the bad thing he may have gone to your home, to do to you, but failed to follow through as you were sitting outside where you two were visible to others. I can very well see your story end horribly, and on the T.V. show, 48 Hours. I’m no expert, but I would say, continue to ignore. Do not answer the door if he returns, and better yet, move, and do NOT tell him where it is that you go. Just my personal opinion.
Findingtruth, I’m so sorry to read of your experiences and you’re at the right spot to start venting your spleen after being a passive reader, long enough.
Is it possible that he is NOT a spath? Um…..what do you think? Go back to the list of patented behaviors and you’ll have your answer.
Why did he show up afer months of NC? Because, he could and he knew that you would allow it.
From his patterns of behaviors and his own admission that he cannot (will not) be faithful to anyone – including you – the first thing that I would do would be to block every method of contact with him and go, immediately, and get tested for every STD possible. I’m quite serious.
Then, I would seek out counseling with a recommended therapist that specializes in domestic violence and abuse, PSTD, and Stockholm Syndrome. I would contact http://www.ndvh.org to find out what resources might be available to me.
Since you didn’t marry this person, there are no financial or tangible assets that must be divided. Thank GOD.
You should be concerned about his shaking – it could have been an involuntary anticipation of delivering more violence against you. This guy is, at the very least, an abuser and a dangerous one, at that. He is also in the early stages of STALKING you.
I hope that you will do everything within your power to make yourself safe and secure by blocking this man out of your life, on every level. If you are required to be in the same proximity due to work, it may be worthwhile to discuss his behaviors with your supervisor. But, he’s clearly demonstrating the early stages of stalking, and stalking is a disease – it only gets worse.
Brightest protective blessings to you
Shane, you hit the nail on the proverbial head. I was going to suggest moving, as well. This man is very dangerous, and he’s already shown himself to be physically violent.
Very very scary, Truthspeak, I personally would get the Hell out of dodge and scram scram scram. The therapy suggestion is very good. Sometimes we can be in a certain place in our heads, and denial is one of those places.
Findingtruth, yeah……he’s not what he pretends to be. I re-read your post and it’s a textbook situation, quite literally.
I’ve experienced stalking, harassment, and being terrorized, and I can only say that (previous to the collapse of my marriage) it is a level of anxiety that I cannot describe. The fear is ongoing and I spent a great deal of energy attempting to predict the next episode.
This guy is appearing sincere to you because you desperately want to believe that he is. This is a “normal” reaction to spath experiences and it’s called “cognitive dissonance.” In a nutshell, it’s an empath’s attempt to fit the behaviors of someone into their system of beliefs. “I love my husband, and anyone that I love would never ______. So, I must be mistaken in my suspicions.”
For me, personally, cog/diss was physically painful – I could not fathom how someone that I so cared for could do the things that the exspath did, and it hurt, literally.
This guy is dangerous, Findingtruth. He is. And, he doesn’t “love” you the way that you believe that he does. He OWNS you – or, that’s his ultimate goal. And, don’t allow the false flattery of “If I can’t have you, nobody can” to even enter your mind. That line of thinking has nothing to do with “love” or partnership or companionship. That type of thinking has to do with ownership.
Brightest blessings
Thank you Shane and Truthspeak. I had been in PTSD counselling and was doing quite well. The psychologist noted in May that I was doing fine and felt I could proceed on my own. The very next day was the time I saw him driving up my street and he came over.
In my heart I know he’s a spath, I just kept praying it wasn’t so, that it could be “fixed.”
I am very sorry, findingtruth. It is a difficult predicament for you to be in. He is in your heart, however, based on your past experience, he seems to be capable of doing the unthinkable. Please take good care of yourself! You deserve a peaceful, happy life!
finding truth,
you will find yourself doubting the truth many more times. He is a spath. That’s why you can’t figure out what he is. Spaths wear masks.
If you have read any of my stories, you will know that my spath is pure evil. YET, I STILL, 3 years later sometimes find myself wondering if there is hope for him. The mask was good. I remember good stuff. IT WAS ALL FAKE!
There is nothing there. Nothing real. Go away from him. He’s wasting your time and you don’t have time to waste. This is your life and he wants to devour your time, take it from you because he knows that time is all any of us really have.
Finding truth,
The reason you are here, you have serious trust issue with this person. Shaking may be cause by drug and anxity together.
Even his many wrong doing, you forgive him and let him come in to your life, indicates, you are hooked and addicted to him. Which is what happens to spath’s partner, who don’t see the truth behind all the drama.
I had been there, please get out of this relationship, it is dangrous.
Hey ladies,
I have spoken briefly to Donna, and I believe my husband is a sociopath. I also found out my sister was one, and wrote Donna some time ago. I am terribly conflicted, and I would like some advice on how to deal with this. I was suggested that I just drop her from my life. I am in the military and travel a lot, which has made not seeing her a little easier, but I do find myself missing her. I love her…..she’s my big sister. I want to think I can help her….and that all of what she said was just her putting on a show. After reading what she wrote about me and how she feels towards my family, and me in general, I am left with a whirlwind of emotions that are only causing me to become depressed and anxious.
As for my husband…..I kind of don’t want to break it off with him. He told me others at work call him a sociopath, and he finds it funny. Other than rushing into a marriage, he is charming and handsome and funny. Only recently has his personality changed, but he happens to be in the military as well, and we just have typical problems married couples have when dealing with this type of life style. We are going to attempt counseling. I’m just really conflicted, and I didn’t want to bumrush Donna’s emails with my panic.
Any suggestions would help me. I’ve come to a still on this.