I can’t believe that it is Labor Day. Here in the U.S., it’s the holiday that marks the end of summer, and all I can wonder is, where did the summer go? Yesterday, my husband, Terry, complained about a “time leak”—he swears that an hour is now only 40 minutes long.
Actually, of course, time keeps moving at the same pace, with the exception of the “leap second” added on June 30, 2012. (This apparently caused software problems all over the Internet.) Yes, time marches on—and we can use this to our advantage in recovering from the sociopath.
Involvements with sociopaths cause serious damage to our emotions, psychology, health, finances, social connections—to our very lives. We can recover, but it will take time.
How much time? It’s impossible to predict because every case is different. The short answer is that it will take as long as it takes—but there are steps you can take to make it go faster.
No Contact
First, and most important, have No Contact with the sociopath. Cut the person out of your life. No phone calls, text messages, email and certainly no in-person meetings. Why is this so important? Relationships with sociopaths change the structure and chemistry of your brain, much like addictions. In fact, many people experience these relationships as addictions. Therefore, you must break the addiction.
The longer you “stay on the wagon,” and maintain No Contact, the stronger you become. This is using time to your advantage. But as anyone who’s struggled with other types of addictions knows, if you give in to your addiction a little bit, you have to start all over again. The time you previously spent maintaining No Contact is lost.
In situations where you must have some type of contact, such as shared parenting, your goal is to do your best to minimize interactions. More importantly, you want to go for Emotional No Contact. This means you get to the point where the sociopath simply means nothing to you. You know and accept what the sociopath is, and when you see that typical behavior, you just roll your eyes.
Because No Contact is so important, it is one of the issues you need to consider when deciding whether or not to pursue holding the sociopath accountable for his or her actions. I believe sociopaths should be help accountable—they get away with their moral or actual crimes far too often, which emboldens them and harms society. But the truth is that going after the sociopath keeps you in contact with them, which can slow down your recovery. So you need to decide—is it worth it?
Hastening the recovery
The other thing that can make your recovery faster is consciously deciding that you are going to heal, and taking the necessary steps to do it.
First and foremost, take care of yourself—eat right, get exercise, get sleep, don’t smoke, drink or do drugs. Involvement with a sociopath may have left you with anxiety or depression. Healthy habits go a long way towards combating anxiety and depression.
You then need to decide that you’re going to deal with the emotional and psychological effects of the involvement, using whatever method works for you. If you can find a therapist who gets it—great. If you find comfort in church, prayer, meditation or spiritual practice—fabulous. I used both of these approaches—plus my personal favorite, pounding pillows in which I envisioned my ex-husband’s face. However you do it, you must get the toxic emotions and energy out of your system, or they will eat you up.
I also believe it’s important to look deep within ourselves, beyond the experience with the sociopath, to discover why we were susceptible to the sociopath in the first place. These human predators target our vulnerabilities. In fact, they can spot vulnerabilities that we don’t even know we have.
Did we have wounds from our childhood? Did we have mistaken beliefs that we were unworthy or unlovable? Something made us vulnerable. To truly recover, we must find out what it was and heal it.
If we maintain No Contact with the sociopath and focus on our own healing, over time, it will happen. And sooner or later, we’ll discover that our lives are happier than we ever thought they could be.
Jusst, you said: I have spoken briefly to Donna, and I believe my husband is a sociopath.”…..as for my husband”..I kind of don’t want to break it off with him. He told me others at work call him a sociopath, and he finds it funny. Other than rushing into a marriage, he is charming and handsome and funny. Only recently has his personality changed”…….beware, the RED FLAGS! I would proceed from here on out….with….extreme….caution. Ask yourself the important questions! What will you tolerate? Proceed with your “radar on”! If you have a pair of “rose-colored-glasses, SMASH THEM NOW! Research and learn all you can about this, so you will know what you very well MAY BE up against! “Charming, handsome and funny can be VERY superficial, and can morph into something/someone very ugly, and horrific! As you proceed, remember: NEVER SURRENDER MORE THAT YOU ARE WILLING TO LOSE! Best wishes to you!
Jusst,
I have a sociopathic (little) sister, too. It is very sad and hard. There are only two siblings in this family (the two of us) and our aging parents. It is a very conflicting thing, because she is my SISTER, and I love her and want to help her.
However, I am realizing that she has a severe personality disorder, and the person I thought she was — actually does not exist. It is very hard to realize this. The whole thing is fake.
I am certain my sister would fall into a BPD diagnostic category. Whatever she FEELS or perceives is FACT to her. And so, if she feels slighted, then to her way of thinking, the other person is to blame. Even if they have done NOTHING.
It has been this pattern for decades with her, so yes it has taken me a long time to see it and figure it out and I no longer play her game. But my parents are still taken in by it. Very, very tough situation. Her latest attempt to blame me for her distorted perceptions/thinking patterns was kind of the last straw for me. I see it very clearly now, and I no longer hold out ANY hope for her to change, recover, or see anyone’s perspective but her own. (I realize that many people might not agree that BPD is sociopath. There are other aspects to my sister’s personality which cause me to place her in that category)
I hope you can come to a place eventually where you can step back and not take any of your sister’s behavior personally. This can take time.
And with regard to your husband, Radar-On is offering very good advice. pay very close attention to how you FEEL while you are in counseling. Especially if the blame all lands on you for the relationship difficulties. Especially if you express sadness and he doesn’t show any empathy. Especially if he laughs through the sessions.
It IS true that the military can bring much added stress to a couple. Ask yourself what you can accept, and where you draw the line in terms of his behavior towards you. And stick to that.
Radar,
Thank you so much for your insight. I am having a hard time with this….I don’t think he is a bad person. I do actually feel most of our troubles is this lifestyle, but to laugh at being called such a negative term. I didn’t even know what one was until he mentioned that tale, and apparently he already knew and found it funny. But I don’t want to flip out so quickly on a story. Maybe he found it funny because it was so ridiculous.
He has never shown any violence towards me, but his major weakness is money. He really loves money. He was the one to suggest we get married so soon after about 4 months of actual dating (I knew him for years before, he was my exes best friend). In the military couples get their own allowance mixed with beneficiary salary. Together we make a sufficient amount, and he tends to blow it on foolish things. When I am out deported I always come home to new devices, and the bills aren’t always paid on time, but he hasn’t done anything extreme like buying a mazarati (though he has bought a new car before). I sometimes think his age may have to do with this too. He is younger than me by a few years. Perhaps I am jumping to a conclusion far too quickly…..not too sure. Our first meeting with the counselor is next week, tuesday. I will come back to fill you guys in if interested.
20years,
You know exactly what I am going through then, and I must say that I am sorry for what you have been dealing with. I actually wasn’t aware too much on her negative personality beside her violent examples as a child, and the sexual things she used to do to me. It was all experimental, and I forgot about it…..well, surpressed it, and as we got older she changed. After reading what she wrote though it ended up being a lie..you were right, this is all a facade to them, isn’t it? I don’t want to take her behavior personally, but how can I not? She just recently came back into my life after a year of not hearing from her (I assumed this was because of my lifestyle, I am not always able to be reached) claiming she needed money. I want to give it to her, but well……
I think I should talk to her, confront her maybe. Let her know I am aware of what she is, who she is, and possibly try to accept her. Logically I should just end it all, but even in all of her manipulations and games she did take care of me, and I know she will do anything for me. I do love her, and I miss her…..a lot. I would have a VERY hard time letting her go if I had to.
I will continue reading and taking in your stories. I have gone through Donna’s videos, and this is what made the reality of what I was facing more intense. I am very thankful for this place, and the advice given. It’s nice to know you are not alone in situations like this.
…
Jusst, I was raised in a family with a very, very long military history. There are healthy relationships in the military, but they are few and far between.
What do YOU think, Jusst? He’s charming, funny…..but, he has money issues. BIG screaming red flag. My exspath (I hate referring to him as “my” because I don’t want any connection with him) was funny, charming, mild-mannered, and he had money issues. I’d rather not go into what I discovered about him and his personal and financial activities. But, only you know what you experience with your spouse.
With regard to your sister, “she can’t be THAT bad,” is a very, very, VERY normal attempt to fit someone’s bad behaviors into our system of beliefs. I posted this on another thread, but I was trying to explain away the exspath’s actions and choices because anyone that I would love would be incapable of doing _______. It is a recognized reaction in psychology called, “cognitive dissonance.” And, the only “cure” for cog/diss is acceptance of truth and fact.
Sunflower, you’re suffering the same thing and it may be an option to consider a change in your counseling therapist. Someone who “gets it” would be able to explain this to you, quickly and give you tools and techniques to manage the PSTD triggers, as well as the cog/diss.
I try to explain cog/diss to people this way:
There are certain notes and chords that cause a physical (almost painful) reaction called “dissonant” notes or chords. Composers use these dissonant sounds to create a specifically uncomfortable reaction for the listener. “Cognitive” refers to a human being’s ability to process information. So, cog/diss is when someone behaves in such a way that we cannot wrap our heads around it – we cannot process what the person has done and we try to fit their actions into our system of beliefs.
Brightest blessings
Sunflower,
When you are “down” even though you may have felt you were not suffering from the previous PTSD, you were still vulnerable.
The thing is that when we are down they kick us, and that is why it is worse the second time around….so don’t beat yourself up.
Also being cranky is part of the PTSD, being paranoid as well, so don’t think you are going crazy,, you aren’t and I’m glad you are in treatment,, hang on, it will get better! (((Hugs)))
…
Jusst,
That story of colleagues calling him a sociopath and him laughing about it is a typical spath tell to me! Especially because he brought it up himself, and you found it strange, and it’s actually what made you start look it up.
Spaths hint at who they are and what they are doing a lot, but it’s all wrapped in ‘jokes’, and how silly it is. My ex spath deliberately dropped used condom wrappers in front of the door of the hotel where we lived, pointed them out to me and revealed to me what they were, then asked me if I had cheated on him, but then laughed it off as possibly being a joke from the reception guys. Had he not pointed out those wrappers to me, I wouldn’t even have known it were condom wrappers (not the colours I was familiar with of my brand), even noticed them.
Here’ the thing: nobody calls someone else the sociopath as a joke. And nobody healthy would laugh about it or take it as a joke if someone called you the sociopath. And you certainly would not TELL another if you’re normal. That’s why if someone ‘confesses’ such a by-the-by thing about themselves it’s a TELL.
Yes, younger is younger, but still an adult. My ex spath reminded me of myself when I was his age, except he was 10x of it in excess than me: his extraversion, his spending of money, his going out life. That’ how I tended to introduce him to people: well you know me, huh… he’s like me, but 10x magnified. Since I grew wiser and became calmer over the years, I expected him to do the same. But that never happened. Being several years younger doesn’t excuse anyone of being irresponsible. Only children and teens can be given some allowance in that, and then only some.
The money: I understand that he’s been spending your joint allowance on himself really. So, that is a direct sign of entitlement and basically selfishness. When people go about this way with money that is at leat partially yours it only gets worse. Healthy, normal and caring people would never think of just buying gadgets for themselves with either someone else’s money or the joing account without even communicating and planning about it beforehand.
Darwinsmom, another “tell” of the exspath was that he went around accusing other people of being sociopaths! There was always something wrong with everyone else. And, his accusations were very subtle….very cunning. “Why does he/she do that? It’s not what ‘normal’ people would do….” and so forth.
In fact, the exspath wanted to write a piece about spathic behavior and read “Without Conscience” and “Stalkers of the Soul (?)” as “research.” LMAOLMAOLMAO!!!!! Research may have been the guise, but it was actually a handbook for him on how to effectively work around his spath flaws to better exploit my vulnerabilities!
Jusst…another “tell” to me is that you were dating his best friend. Even if I were attracted to a friend’s significant other, I would never, ever, EVER date him, even if they broke up. It just isn’t kosher in my world because the relationship isn’t about the “two of us,” but more about the “three of us.”
Brightest blessings
Skylar and Myheart, that you both, too.
The understanding and encouragement of all who responded has helped tremendously over the past few days. I spent yesterday crying all day and that is rare for me. I am basically a strong, independent individual. After reading your posts to me, I started thinking about specific things that had happened during my time with him, and his responses. I don’t believe he EVER answered a question, always side-stepped and changed the subject to something he didn’t like about what I did or didn’t do. Whatever I did, it should have been the opposite, ALWAYS. I am still searching from deep within me as to the specific steps he took over time to get me addicted to him.
When he showed up this week with the “apology,” he brought up some things from when we were together and I asked him, regarding a situation, if he had, at that time, or ever, taken the time to think about how I felt or how his actions affected me or my family. He said he hadn’t. I asked him if he ever thought about anyone’s feelings, those of his family or acquaintances. He said he hadn’t. It was very matter-of-fact, no drama. I guess that about sums it up……he truly doesn’t feel or think about others and he admits it. It is so very hard to wrap my brain around how someone can be lacking that basic instinct.
In the early part of this year, when he was totally out-of-control, he called me and told me that he pictured my grandchildren with plastic bags over their heads and shooting them. I was so upset with him. I thought he was trying to be “dramatic,” to add more chaos, to see what my reaction would be. He said this again over a few days. He then showed up on my doorstep and I brought up his comments. He looked at me and said that he was just “teasing.” I told him then to leave and seek phychiatric help. If you met this guy, you would not believe these words came out of his mouth.
When I left him at the end of November, after the nightmare trip to Disney, his mother, whom I love dearly, my former mother-in-law of 30 years ago, called me as the “girls” in the family were going to bake Christmas cookies that weekend. I reluctantly told her what happened on the trip, about his beating me. I had told her previously about his temper and she had told me that he, as an adult and father, would threaten to kill himself if she wouldn’t go on vacation with him and his son whenever he asked her to go. If it wasn’t convenient for her, he didn’t care. He did this several times. At the end of our conversation, I told her that I just could not be with him any longer, that my family wanted nothing to do with him. Her response to me? “Family first.” I was having knee surgery the following Friday. She never called to see how it went and I’ve never heard from her again.
Another thing my spath did prior to us living together..the night before my son was deployed to Afghanistan, which was also the night before the spath’s father’s funeral, my daughter-in-law presented me with TWO anonymous, typed, hate letters. My heart sank when I saw them because I knew they were from him. I knew because he has a habit of typing a capital A in the middle of words as he is not proficient at typing. I told him about the letters and he acted very defensive. I finally told him that I KNEW he sent them. He started callling friends of mine telling them to talk to me, that he could never do a thing like this. The next day, after the funeral, he called me and asked me to meet him. I did and he admitted sending ONE letter, not both. He did, in fact, send both. He went to my dil the next day and apologized, blaming it on “the stress of his father having cancer and dying.” Months later I found out from his aunt that he had sent an anonymous hate letter to her daughter because the previous Christmas Eve, knowing how ill his father was, decided to take pressure off the spath’s family and hold the traditional dinner at her home. Also found that he sent his ex-mother-in-law several hate letters over time. BTW, he and his ex-mother-in-law became the best of friends during his time with me. He hadn’t spoken with her in 11 years previously.
The more that I write here, the more clearly I can see what an evil person he truly is……..