By Joyce Alexander, RNP (Retired)
I don’t have much use for people who lie ”¦ but sometimes I have resorted to it myself, and today was one of those days.
You know, sometimes psychopaths are sort of like a sexually transmitted disease, they are the “love that keeps on giving in a negative way,” it seems, forever.
What brought me to telling a lie, because it was just more believable than the truth, was a convoluted story about the “Trojan Horse Psychopath” who infiltrated my family. This man is a three-time convicted child molester who had been a former cell mate and friend to my son, Patrick Alexander, who is in prison in Texas for murder. My son had sent him to infiltrate our family as a “friend,” and position himself to be able to kill me and take over our family resources. The Trojan Horse Psychopath had worked on my farm and helped out with my elderly family member, and thus gained access to my home and sneaked into my personal documents.
I’m a meticulous record keeper, and very organized with my record keeping, and pretty well know how to lay hands on any document I need instantly. I have a fire safe in my office that is never locked, because it is small enough to steal and carry off. I have a sign on the front of it that reads, “There is nothing of any value in this safe, the combination is X-Y-Z, it contains only business documents I want to protect from fire.”
Vehicle titles
The titles to my several vehicles and trailers that are used around the farm are, and have been for years, kept in the slot on the inside of the door to the safe. Since I haven’t bought or sold any vehicles or trailers (except for the recreational vehicle I bought to live in when I fled my home in the summer of 2007), I had not had any cause to go through any of these titles, or even count them, until yesterday. I decided to sell a Conestoga wagon, and the flat-bed trailer that I used to transport it, so I went to the safe to get out the title to the trailer and it was gone! Going through the titles there, I realized that four of the titles to various vehicles and trailers were missing!
The Trojan Horse Psychopath had been arrested in August 2007, when he and my son’s wife tried to kill my oldest biological son, after my son discovered they were having an affair, so he hadn’t had access to my documents since several months before his arrest. But prior to then, he had stolen documents and “messed with” my credit card accounts, my cell phone account, and other items that kept me spinning in my insanity. He would order items off “late night television” and have them sent to my house, like those “Send me $49 and I will make you a real estate millionaire,” and those “clubs” for music and videos that are like the Mafia, once in you can never get out! He even signed me up for interest in Scientology, and I still get tons of mail filling up my post office box from that group. He took over my cell phone account and deleted my contact numbers and added and deleted services and turned it on and off.
Nice ladies
So today when I had to go to the department of motor vehicles to request the replacement of four vehicle and trailer titles, there was no way I was going to tell this tale of woe to the nice ladies behind the desk. There was no way they would have believed me if I had told them the truth of why I needed that many titles replaced, so I took the easy way out and I lied. (So shoot me!)
I told them that my grandkids had been playing “office” and had gotten into my important papers and destroyed them. The nice ladies believed my lie and I paid my fees and the titles should come in the mail in just a few days.
I sort of feel guilty about telling the nice ladies the lie, but there was no way they were going to believe that a pedophile ex-convict from Texas got into my documents and randomly destroyed and stole some of them just to mess with my mind. Maybe I should have used this as a “teaching opportunity” to educate these women about psychopaths (I was the only customer in the office with three nice ladies), but I had to be quick in order to get to the court hearing of the ex-minister of our little country church who had been arrested for child pornography and Internet stalking of a child. I didn’t want to explain to them why I was in such a hurry either.
Here’s the news story on HarrisonDaily.com:
Man, 58, arrested after Internet sting: Agri inspector
Predator in court
I didn’t want to miss his court date, and as it turned out, I was the only one from my community there. He was, I believe, very shocked to see me walk into the courtroom in the small country town about a hour and a half drive north of where I live. I was dressed very nicely in my “pillar of the community matron goes to court or funerals” ensemble. Court had not yet convened and people were quietly talking among themselves in the spectator section of the room.
As I walked by where he was seated, waiting for his turn in front of the judge, I slapped him cheerfully on the back and said, “Hi, Dicky, what are you doing here?” I didn’t wait for a response, but kept on purposefully walking and sat down a couple of rows directly behind him, where he couldn’t see me unless he turned around in his seat, which he didn’t do, but sat facing forward, looking neither to the right or the left. None of his family was there, and though most of the defendants in the courtroom seemed to have friends or family with them, no matter what the charges were. He was alone. I don’t doubt that he felt my eyes boring into the back of his neck.
I never did particularly like this man, even when he was preaching at our little community church. His messages always seemed to me to be shouted and angry, rather than uplifting and loving. He presented an angry God, not a loving father. In fact, several months after my husband’s accidental and very sudden death, I was very sensitive to shouts or loud talking, and I actually went to this man privately and asked him very nicely (I thought) to “tone it down,” and to shout less, and maybe the attendance at our little church might stop dropping. My request was not received well, needless to say.
He did, however, embrace the Trojan Horse Psychopath and my (now ex) daughter-in-law, both before and after their arrests for trying to kill my oldest son. My requests (before their arrests and afterwards) went unheeded, and I was basically told not to bother him, he was “too busy” to get involved in my problems.
Sixth sense
It really isn’t all that noble of me to glory in the downfall of those that I don’t like, but at the same time, it is validation of my “sixth sense” about people. Almost every time I have ignored my dislike of someone there has been something, somewhere down the line, that has validated my “spidey sense” about that person. Several times that “something” has been child molestation or murder, or all of the above, though at the time I felt the intuitive dislike for that person, I never dreamed that they would molest children or be responsible for someone’s death. I just thought, “I don’t like that person,” or, “there’s something about them I don’t trust.”
It is important, I think, that we listen to our intuition about predators, and believe me, psychopaths are predators on two legs. They camouflage themselves and try to blend into the landscape just like a lion does, but there is something within us that, if we listen to it, will many times protect us. If we “turn it off” or “tune it out,” however, it can’t protect us from the predators. Just like the antelope must be alert for the lion, we must be alert for the psychopaths that prowl the savannas of our lives. When we get a whiff of “there’s a predator about,” we must honor that intuition in order to survive. Even if no one else would believe it!
PANTHER, take it slow. The more balanced you are, and the more you know someone, the easier it is to mention it. I have taken my time to tell people things – sometimes i just let them know i have PTSD (as i have to sometimes explain my anxiety), other times I say i was duped by a spath, and other times I go into more detail. I haven’t had any one of the 5 people i have told run away yet. I did however lose my 2 best friends while i was going through this.
i am fortunate that i live in a town where there is a seemingly endless stream of corrections officers around – i tell them ALL the time. they are the only people who completely get spaths and whom i don’t have to explain a damn thing too. I have met about 4 c.o. in the last year and i am grateful for each of those interactions. I think that they must feel really outside of normal society knowing what they do, so I think they probably are grateful when one of the ‘citizens’ know what they deal with every day.
Panther,
At first I think we want to run through the world and scream! “The sky is falling!” Because we have found a new danger in the world that seemingly most people don’t know is there and we went to tell them DANGER! DANGER!!!!
Or if not the whole world, at least those close to the dangerous person! I tried to warn my egg donor because It was like the HOUSE WAS ON FIRE AND SHE DIDN’T SMELL SMOKE!
But she sat in the house and denied the smoke no matter how much I yelled “FIRE!!!!” She denied that there was a fire, then she accused me of setting it….afterward she wanted to pretend it never happened. Literally she said “Let’s just pretend none of this happened and start over.” I couldn’t do that, though I’d done it all my life.
I looked at her and said “Well, if we’re going to play let’s pretend, let’s just set a place at the table for Daddy and my husband and all sit down to dinner.” (my step-Dad and my husband were both deceased)
But we have to realize eventually, that most people are REALLY NOT INTERESTED in our stories, and they get bored with listening to our pain and our recovery.
Let’s just say we had been bitten by a poison snake on the foot, and our foot swelled and festered and we went through horrible pain for days, weeks, months, and then even though the swelling went down, the nerves had been damaged in our leg and we kept having different treatments for the (invisible to others) pain. But all we wanted to talk about was this kind of snake, and how it effects the nerves when it bites and leaves venom in the victim….pretty soon the people we are talking to about this snake, and how to spot it in the wild, our treatments, our pain, get bored with the conversation and get tired of listening to us describe in great detail all about this experience that they have not suffered and HOPE TO NEVER SUFFER because they have sense enough to stay out of the woods in the first place and never come near a snake of any kind. (they think)
It is only if you have been bitten by this kind of snake that you can truly relate, that you can really know about the severity of the pain, or the commonness of the variety of poison snake. YOu know your friends will be exposed to these snakes sooner or later, or maybe are already in the area of one, but until they want to listen, until they are INTERESTED, there isn’t’ any sense wasting your time and energy trying to educate someone who isn’t interested. Or looking to that person for sympathy or empathy when they can’t understand.
But you are NOT alone in this…..and it is unfortunate. I wish I were alone in this situation. I wish no one else had to experience what I have experienced with psychopaths, but that’s not the case. Unfortunately, there are many of them and many of US.
I seldom talk about my experiences with the psychopath though I am no longer HIDING about my son’s incarceration. But I choose where and to whom I talk about it. And, it no longer DEFINES who I am or my entire life. I am more than just the mother of an inmate. I am more than just the woman who dated the psychopathic cheat.
nice post oxy. 🙂
and panther – to add to oxy’s, ‘HOPE TO NEVER SUFFER because they have sense enough to stay out of the woods in the first place and never come near a snake of any kind.’ I have met people who i don’t think would have been duped by my spath….but another one could easily bite them. people can see war images on TV and still be denial about the truth of war – both that it’s existence is real and visceral and the long lasting trauma it creates in individuals, and who nations of people….until the bomb drops on their house, or the house of their child’s.
i have wanted people to know and understand my situation so badly – not just the spath, but the daily terror of MCS. I have wanted people to care, to help, to hold me, to comfort me, to be curious, to really want to hear my response to ‘how are you’. there hasn’t been much of it. people lack compassion. i am going to a special trauma and abuse centre next week – i wish i had known about them 2 years ago. but i do now.
i had lf, the people here, and a few chance interactions with people i didn’t know that have helped me through to this point. i feel like i am starting to accept that this road was painful and lonely, and just be on the spot in the road that i am on now. i feel for the first time in ages, a tingling in my chest – some sense of being alive that i had lost. i am becoming more sane.
Dear One/Joy,
I TOLD YOU SO!!!! I told you that you were starting to sound SANE months ago! LOL ROTFLMAO I am glad you are finally seeing it! LOL
Yea, I think it is human nature to want to be cared about, to want someone to have compassion on our suffering, to share our joys with as well. We want to live in a community of others who are caring. To have a circle of friends and family with which we can SHARE our feelings, hopes and dreams with. Unfortunately, sometimes we find ourselves feeling very much “alone” even in the midst of crowds!
Skylar, Ox, One/Joy
Thanks for the feedback on that one. I am glad at least SOMEONE gets it, even though I don’t like the reason you all get it…I was SHOCKED when I first came in here and saw person after person who had been hurt by what sounded like carbon copies of the one who did me in. It’s a mix of emotions: I’m glad some people understand and I wish they didn’t have to go through what they did in order to be able to understand.
Yeah, I agree, listening to someone talk about a specific snake all the time would bore me half to death. I happen to think sociopaths are more interesting than snakes, but your point still stands.
One/Joy made a comment that I think sums up what a lot of us probably feel (I know I sure do): “I have wanted people…to really want to hear my response to ’how are you’.”
Well said One/Joy….yeah…that’s a summary of what is going on for me in many ways. I am teaching everyday (English to Germans) and today I asked my student at the beginning of the class, “How are you?” He said, “Good.” Then he asked me, “How are you?” I immediately thought, “Shit! Note to self: NEVER bring up the ‘how are you’ introduction with people for the next month.” I hesitated, then finally told him (not wanting to lie but also not wanting to be honest), “I am normal.” You should have seen his face…..I cannot imagine what mine probably looked like as I tried to find the answer between not lying and not being too honest.
Skylar, about you spotting them, I have that super power now too. A mile away. A freaking mile away. In the first SENTENCE I can pick it up. Just yesterday a 42 year old guy tried to pick up on me….the words he used…his approach….my instinct went haywire on spath/pedophile (I am 27 so 42 is pushing it in my opinion). I politely told him that he seemed like a nice guy, but that he was a bit too old for me personally. He immediately started with words, sentences, lines that any one of you would have spotted as spathy immediately. He finished the conversation by telling me, “Your right you do have issues.” Which I never said, neither directly nor indirectly, but he was trying to imply I had said…with his misuse of the word “your” in it too hahaha (he was British). I spotted him a MILE away. It was like he had a “date rape” sign on his head. I DO NOT feel guilty for “guilty until proven innocent” when my alarms go off anymore. My alarms are there for a reason.
Ox, I am sure that people who deal with spaths every day are shocked that you know anything about these creatures. Also, about the warning THE HOUSE IS BURNING, I had the instinct at first. Then I realized that I could have irrefutable proof in my hands, and most of the people he hadn’t yet “stung or destroyed” wouldn’t believe me anyways. So I gave up.
One/Joy I cannot imagine what living with MCS is like, but I am curious and please DO tell me about it, cause I am thinking there must be a solution to it and I want to figure one out.
Dear Panther,
When people ask “how are you?” it is not a real question, but a SOCIAL response. It is a custom, not a real question asking for a real response of information. In fact, if someone asks you “how are you today?” if you truly answer them, they are dumbfounded.
One appropriate response is (a nod) and the words, “and you?”
No lie, no false information, no saying “I’m fine” when you are not, and the “proper” response has been made to keep social balance.
As for the 40+ year old guy hitting on you, that’s gonna happen as long as you weigh less than 300 pounds, have more than one leg, and are less than 80 years old. Of course, the younger you are,, the MORE TIMES you will be hit on, but there are guys out there who will hit on anyone as long as they think there is a chance they will get you into the sack.
As far as you telling him he “seemed like a nice guy” THAT WAS A SOCIAL LIE! LOL Caught ya!!!!! LOL And hey, you don’t even owe him THAT MUCH, just ignore him and keep on walking.
Uhhh Oxy – I weigh less than 300 pounds, have two legs and am still under 80 and I have not be hit on for, well let’s just say quite some time.
Maybe I should remember to shower, put my teeth in and take off the shirt that says “Paddle Faster, I Hear Banjo Misic” before going out.
MiLo, I LOVE THE TEE SHIRT SAYING!!!! Let me tell you I HEARD BANJO MUSIC YESTERDAY~this guy drives up in my yard that weighed at least 300 pounds and had on a DIRTY tee shirt and didn’t have many teeth, and wanted to know if my Dodge pick up was for sale….and told me that my neighbor “Donnie” had sent him. Well I AIN’T GOT NO NEIGHBOR DONNIE, and the ONLY dodge pick up I have is an old one that hasn’t run in 10 years and it is out behind the barn where he couldn’t see it until AFTER he drove up so something wasn’t quite right! LOL Then I heard the banjo music! LOL
Yea, their ain’t no line forming outside my door either….but you know, I don’t worry about it in the least!
Oxy, sometimes you’ll just have to shake your head at me. I know what you just told me about “how are you” is an obvious one, but I’m pretty much a fumbler with those types of things whether I know the general rule or not. I’ve got so many traits on the Asperger’s spectrum, one of the strongest being my aloofness to social cues that others seem to pick up on naturally. When I’m hurt or upset, I tend to do a worse job of remembering how to do all these little things that other people do instinctively, and when I do try to do them, I tend to dance through it awkwardly.
I’m really not as stupid or rude as it probably makes me seem at times. I’m just wired a bit differently.
Milo, you crack me up.
Ox, was that guy lost maybe? That’s weird.
I just read through the blog about raising a psychopath again.
As I finished reading the page about parasitical living, I think I understand what the kid is thinking. He is doing what I recommend to LF readers all the time: hide what you value.
This kid has had everything he valued ripped from him so many times that he expects it now. So he is careful to not show his emotions, not show what hurts and what makes him happy. He has numbed himself so that he doesn’t actually feel anything, then nobody can hurt him anymore. He’s taken stoic to a new level. He won’t work 5 minutes for $20 because he doesn’t want to show that he values it.
His masturbating behaviors are self-soothing. It’s the only outlet he has that he controls.
His numbing will get worse until it becomes rage and he will target what he knows: other people’s values, which they reveal by the expressions on their faces. He will steal what others value, he will shock their moral values with his outrageous behavior. After all, if he isn’t allowed to value anything, then why should they?
When my niece was a teen, she refused to tell her parents what she wanted. She told me though, that if she told them, they would use it against her. She said, if she got her driver’s license, they would simply use it as a tool to control her by placing restrictions on her. She turned this around by refusing to get her license and her mother was forced to drive her around and be inconvenienced.
This kid could read people, as most kids do, and she used her limited knowledge of the world to make it work – functioning in her disfunction.