Researchers have found that a pulse of the brain hormone oxytocin—instigated by a soft touch or caress—enhances trust, and a squirt of testosterone makes people more skeptical.
Although this article doesn’t address it, these hormones have implications in dealing with sociopaths. The predators instinctively seem to know that proclaiming their love for a target, and getting the person into an intimate relationship, makes the target more likely to trust them. And then the sociopaths go to work as exploiters.
Read She doesn’t trust you? Blame the testosterone on NYTimes.com.
Link submitted by a Lovefraud reader.
Ox Drover
Dear Gonetoofar,
Just noticed your posts, welcome to LF. I know it is frustrating to have had a relationship with a psychopath but this is a good place for information and support! Go back through the articles and read, and also I suggest you go to Dr. Leedoms web site “raising the at risk child” and get her book “Just like his father’ they are great resources for someone who has a child with one of these monsters, and you need and deserve (we all do) all the helpl you can get, especially for your wonderful child! (((hugs)))) and God bless.
Wising Up
Bulletproof,
I don’t know how I missed your posts above mine, so tired I guess. I do want to go back to court and get full custody, right now I’m just gathering my resources and evidence. You are right it is such a shame that people, especially in the court systems, don’t know more about sociopathy because I’m sure it’s more prevalent than many realize. I don’t rely on my son for information, I’ve always been so careful not to. It kills me knowing what he could be going through over there for 2 days when he goes. Looking back, my dad was a sociopath too, surprise, and I know what I went through but I made it through and I can only hope he will too. I appreciate your advice on how to handle him and I am going to do just what you said. I don’t know how you pegged me, but I have spent the past few years trying to counsel him and get him to change, what a waste of my time and energy! He would fool me for lengths of time and I would think I was getting through to him until something didn’t go his way and I would see clearly that he hadn’t changed at all. I am so glad to have found this wonderful community of people to help me learn how to deal and how to best help my son in this situation! Thank you.
Wising Up
OxDrover,
Thank you. It’s funny that you say that, I was looking at that site today and decided to buy that book and was looking at several others on the site. My son displays some traits, not very loving at times and lies, impulsive, but he is not totally without empathy and I know this is the most important time in his life to impact him in a positive way. I have done my best with my intuition but Im sooo relieved to have some real guidance now. I can’t thank you guys enough for your responses and God enough for leading me here and I know now I’m on the path to healing and helping my son heal. We will survive this as healthy, happy people.
bulletproof
gonetoofar
Yes great advice, read up on the situation especially in relation to your little boy, there is great help and information here on LF and it’s really nice that you continue to pop back and chat a little at a time, because it can be so lonely and isolating to have this experience and not be validated or even believed, it is such a controversial conclusion to reach about a father….so come in and enter into the chat, become a voice here and get some real interaction on it which is in itself a powerful healer….when YOU get helped, your son is the first to benefit.
Wising Up
Thank you, I’m feeling better day by day. You are so right, it is a powerful healer to interact with others who understand, without it, you start to feel like maybe you are crazy. I always knew I wasn’t but it’s very validating to hear so many others with almost the EXACT same story. I’ve already spent hours upon hours reading here, not so great for my studies (I go to school and I have a hellacious load this summer) but wonderful for my soul. Thanks a million to you guys and to Donna for creating this much needed site for people like us.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
STYLE – i recently met someone who could become a writing client, and she was very touchy. it was odd for me; i could feel its softening affect on me -but it was also in a ‘spotlight’ for me, it stood out as just a little not right. flagged as manipulative. even if she is an okay person, she uses this to ‘gain’ trust, not EARN it – (whether she does it intentionally or not).
the handshake is the most common and accepted form of social touch in NA. I am a shaker of hands. I use the info I get from shaking people’s hands to know more about them and them in relation to me. I have developed an assertive handshake, and take it with me into any situation. I shake hands in all business situations and in most social situations. I shake hands with kids; it’s a social language and the sooner we are comfortable with it the better. BUT….like any fucking thing else, s/p/n use touch to manipulate. given my situation/ my experience with the p, i can say that the spoken word promising touch was pretty powerful too.
and tis is why it is sooo hard to find our bearings again STYLE because everything NORMAL is TWISTED by them, used as a tool to manipulate. I can’t tell you how hard it is for me to be online on lf – the conning of me started online – and being here is a mind**** for me some days. I have another experience, from years ago, of a wonderful truly supportive group online. but it doesn’t offset the online con, and neither does being here. And although some don’t think online is normal, it is ordinary and a big part of 21 c life for many people – like it or not, it is a part of the world. So, it’s not safe or okay for me either. I feel sometimes like I am holding my breath – waiting for the bs to show up – waiting for crack in the mask. I jump on the bs ones that show up here. I am convinced donna wishes i would stop hitting the report abusive comment, but i am trusting my sense of danger these days – whether it is exaggerated or not.
and i will learn by doing. hard to know here sometimes, and scarier in the real world in some way – even though i can suss more info in a real world interaction, i am nervous now. btw, i stood up to my bull bully lying landlord the other day- he pulled the pity ploy, and i am looking at him thinking,’BULLSHIT.’ I saw some skeezey people who were also smokers he was talking to…and went to talk to him about not renting to those kind of folks again (like the last ones that i busted his balls about, who ran out on the rent a couple of weeks ago). I was really panicked and then near the end of the conversation i found my balls, and it was a good lesson for me. I am so taken away by fear from what has happened that i cannot deal with things effectively. i stood my ground. and i need to keep doing that.
Style, do you have a counselor? do you have access to one? I think it might help right now, to sort out the bad guys from the good guys by paying attention to your feelings about the people, being present with yourself, and not wrapped up in the fear of what was. I have PTSD, i know i do, and i have a request in to see someone who deals with it. Do you have PTSD?
I am not going to date. period. I need to re calibrate my people meter; and it’s going to take a while. I think a new job will help me tremendously – I have lost friends over the ppath, gone NC with most of my family in the aftermath of the ppath and my work contract finished. I need a new ground to be with people to regain my confidence. truth is – there are more non ppaths than ppahts in the world…and i have to KNOW that in my daily life – but i NEED a daily life to get to know that.
a cardinal just flew into the tree outside my window; awesome! it is quiet here. such a lovely neighborhood. and the birds are the only thing stirring this morning. take good care style. I hear you.
best,
one step
one/joy_step_at_a_time
hmmm, comment posted, but it didn’t draw the thread up?
one/joy_step_at_a_time
test
one/joy_step_at_a_time
just trying to see if i can pull this thread up now
bulletproof
gonetoofar
Hope you okay! it’s great you are studying and have a goal….thinking of you.
onestep
eh…whatcha doing? …testing? pulling the thread up? so great to hear you are “standing up” to things….I really need to keep doing it, keep doing it otherwise I get walked on quicker than most..a cardinall flew into your tree, that’s the most beautiful thing i’ve read today…thank you