“Very erotic!” That’s how a woman whom we’ll call “Cathy” described the beginning of her relationship with “Matt.” “Sex, sex, sex,” she said, “and sweet whisperings in my ears.”
After a whirlwind romance, they married. Cathy eventually discovered that sex was all Matt really wanted. She found a duffel bag filled with hard-core porn. His sexual demands made her uncomfortable. He cheated. Yet whenever Matt did or said anything hurtful, he soon acted as if nothing had happened.
Matt turned out to be callous, deceitful, manipulative, narcissistic, hostile, irresponsible, reckless and impulsive. In other words, he was a sociopath.
Many people think that sociopaths are all deranged serial killers. In reality, most sociopaths never kill anyone. They are, however, serial exploiters, always on the lookout for someone to use—often for sex.
But you would never know this when you first meet a sociopath. In the beginning, sociopaths seem to be charismatic, charming, exciting—and incredibly sexy.
Rating sex with sociopaths
People who have had sex with individuals who they now believe are sociopaths almost always rave about it. I’ve spoken to hundreds of people about their experiences. They often tell me that the sex with these individuals was the best they ever had.
For my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud 10 signs you’re dating a sociopath, I conducted a survey of more than 1,300 Lovefraud readers. One question was, “If you had sex with the individual, how would you rate it?” Here are the responses:
Sex with sociopaths
- Extraordinary 30%
- Satisfying 15%
- Dissatisfying 6%
- At first satisfying, later dissatisfying 30%
- He/she was satisfied; I was not 12%
- Abusive 4%
- Not applicable 3%
In all, 75% of survey respondents rated the sex as satisfying or more than satisfying, at least in the beginning of the relationship.
Why sociopaths are hot in bed
Sociopaths are hard-wired for sex. They have a lot of energy. They crave excitement and stimulation it’s an integral part of the disorder. Sex, of course, is one of the most stimulating activities a human being can enjoy. Sociopaths want it. They want it early and often. So they start young and engage frequently.
All sociopaths, both male and female, have high levels of testosterone. This hormone drives people to compete for sex partners and then mate with them. In sociopaths, high testosterone means high pursuit.
Besides craving excitement, sociopaths are also born without fear or shame. Consequently, they fail to develop guilt, inhibitions, a conscience or a sense of morality. Social proscriptions against particular acts mean nothing to them. They don’t care about the discomfort of their partners either.
So what does all this mean for sociopaths and sex? They have voracious appetites, they indulge often and anything goes.
No feelings of love
You might think that sex with a sociopath sounds exciting. But there are a few more things you should know.
First of all, if you want love along with your sex, you’re not going to get it from a sociopath. These people cannot form empathetic connections with other human beings, and therefore are incapable of feeling love. However, they know that if they speak words of love convincingly, they get what they want. So sociopaths often proclaim love quite eloquently—at least until they’re bored with you.
Second, if you want to keep the wild sex all for yourself, that’s not going to happen either. Most sociopaths cheat. In the Lovefraud survey, 75% of respondents said the sociopaths cheated on them, and 20% said they became infected with a sexually transmitted disease.
Finally, sociopaths are not slaves to their testosterone-fueled desires. They are quite capable of controlling, even withholding, sex, when it suits their purpose. For these people, sex usually has an agenda. Sometimes it’s just the physical release. But often sex is a tool to snare you, so that they can exploit you in some other way.
Sociopaths have incredible sexual magnetism. But if you hook up with them, the excitement will, sooner or later, lead to real problems in your life out of bed.
I’ve seen reports that testosterone is known to suppress oxytocin. It would seem logical that some people with high levels of testosterone would have character disorder as a result, since oxytocin has been linked to empathy.
That doesn’t mean that all athletes and males are disordered, but it shouldn’t come as a surprise to us when a world class athlete, like Oscar Pistorius, fires his gun at his girlfriend through a closed bathroom door, or a football star, like Ray Rice, drags his unconscious fiance out of an elevator by her foot after punching her lights out.
Thank you Donna for finally putting words to the bizarre behaviors that Ive experienced first hand. I’ve asked you previously about the shark eye stares of these people and was wondering if anyone can put a scientific name to this physical manifestation. It scared me, and now I know why he always kissed me, in the beginning of our relationship with his eyes wide open. His responses to me were text book. Im not so concerned with the wording or phrasing of these signature manifestations but am more amazed and astonished at the signs and symptoms of this pathology. I actually saw his whole eye turn black. I thought at first he was a God, or demon, but am realizing that alot of this was my own gut giving me clues, or red flags as to the danger I was in. I cannot express my gratefulness for opening my eyes to this most bizarre relationship that I was in. NEVER heard of this in my life, it is like you met him firsthand, textbook. This is my first post and my thoughts and feelings are new confused and jumbled. Thanks for the insight. I took it upon myself as being flawed and unloveable but now I know better. Hes been incarcerated for six months and Im finally starting to heal but am still in denial about this man, wanting desperately his love.
Your desire for his love is the result of your addiction to him.
Romantic love is an addiction. Your dopamine levels and serotonin levels have been affected by your relationship, and the withdrawal creates cravings, just like if you were addicted to heroin.
Knowing that your desire for him has a chemical component can help you resist the feelings they generate. Also, being in the company of supportive friends and family can help you ease away from longing by supplying you with similar brain chemistry, but from a different source. Be careful, however, non-supportive friends or family can drive you into deeper feelings of depression.
Mine, I believe is a narcissist ans sociopath. I do not believe he has high testosterone. He has has problems with soem things for awhile.
I thought I found my soulmate but it quickly went sour with drinking snd verbal abuse.
We had a lot of sex in the beginning that I really loved. We still have sex a lot now but I dont think it’s that great. A lot of it was because it was excitig but a much larger part of it was that I believed he loved me. Now I know he cannot.
He will be abusive and deny me sex. Then I crave it because I thought it would help lead to us communicating again or lead to fixing issues. If I dont want him to touch me, he will rape me in my sleep then toss me away. No communication. For many days sometimes. If he gets the clue that its not working and I still want to deal with the real issue, then he will discard me all together. Eitber through complete silent treatment or leaving because he is “mad” and goes to a hotel. He will go to a bar too but swear nothing “happened”.
The last time he did this I made it very clear I would leave. Whike he is gone. We have a child.
He hasnt done it since but I realize it could happen.
Sometimes I really feel like I am dying and my life is over. I have fibromyalgia now and ny counselor diagnosed me with PTSD, anxiety, and depression.
I cant take any medicine because he has a pill problem and when I brought it to light with family, he accused me of being the one with the actual problem. They no longer communicate with us. He is a very good deceiver.
So now I just eat healthy, work out again, and take lots of suppliments. I dont trust him at all ans believe anything I might take would be used against me. “She is off her meds, she is crazy..” etc.
He sounds like a classic spath. It sounds like you have come to understand how evil and dangerous he is. He has caused you a lot of pain, and gave you PTSD, anxiety and depression. Is there any way you and your child can get away from him? That is the best way to recover from the harm spaths cause.
‘Spaths are not slaves to their testosterone-fueled desires. They are quite capable of controlling, even withholding, sex when it suits their purpose’.
I was with a spath who would withhold.
I saw a psychologist in the 80’s about this relationship. He did not say this guy was a spath. He missed it, not knowledgeable about psychopathy.
Sex with the first psychopath was very good. It was very satisfying. The sexual chemistry with a recent psychopath was very rough.
Hi, I’ve never written about this before. I am ashamed. I was friends with this guy from work. Just calling on the phone, him telling me about his wife who was in and addiction centre he was left with his small son, we got on really well. She came out of rehab and abandoned him and his son only seeing the child when she felt like it. So he said. We chatted like this for about a year and then I began to have feeling for him. We met up, had sex which was fantastic, this went on for about 6 months and I fell in love. He said he did to, but nothing changed. I was never introduced to his family or friends, we would always go away where no one could bump into us. Anyway, this went on and on. Two years! I’d leave and go back. Nothing ever changed. On the 6th of Feb this year I got a phone call in work from one of his work colleagues saying that he was sick and that his wife was up all night with him, and she being due their second baby!! I couldn’t hear or breathe, I called him and he said “Yeah” when I confronted him. I left then and there. Was so strong. No contact. 3 months I cried and pulled myself back to some sort of sanity. Then the mails started, and I caved and met him for coffee. He said the child wasn’t his, he was leaving her (even though she was still living with him) I fell for it, then had sex with him again. But I can’t do it. I’ve crossed a line I never thought I would. I’ve betrayed myself. I’ve tried the no contact but I always unlock him, I never initiate contact, but always reply. I feel strong enough to handle him. But I’m not. Please help me.
There are the 3 D’s- Don’t see him. Drink water and Do something else. It would be good to post a topic for feedback.
It sounds like you have come to understand that he lied to you and manipulated you. Spaths often leave their victims feeling shame, but the truth is that they choose shameful evil wrong behavior. You did not know he was lying; therefore you believed him. It sounds like you have taken steps to get away from him since you recognized that he is not who he said he is, and that he is harmful to you. Victims often go back to the abuser when he feigns remorse and makes false promises. It took me a long time to finally get it that my ex psychopath never cared, lied about everything, and just wanted to use me.
It sounds like you know that getting away from him is the best thing you can do for yourself. You sound like a strong person to have been successful in not contacting him for 3 months despite the painful grief you experienced. Betrayal is unbelievably painful. It’s a horror that someone could be so heartless and evil.
It sounds like you know that you are successful in not contacting him. It sounds like you know your weakness is likely to be when he contacts you. With a good understanding of your goal (maintaining no contact) and your potential weakness in caving when he contacts you, you can choose some strategies to avoid caving, like the things Sunnygal suggested. Not having any contact protects you from being harmed by him, which is what will always happen if you do allow him access to you. Blocking his number, changing your number, changing your email, are things you can do so that you will not even know whether he is trying to contact you. You will get your power, your life, and yourself back. Spaths tend to cycle back to their former victims, even years later, to see if they can exploit them for something they want. You might plan ahead what you will do if you see him in a public place somewhere, or if he does manage to get through to you.
Here’s some links to information that may help you maintain no contact. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4uKGp_qvPE
There’s very little truth in this piece regarding sociopaths. There’s a reason sociopaths don’t have a specialized psychologist branch to treat or help them because very few want help, or believe anything is even wrong. Any information provided to any author or doctor who claims they have a practice setup around a sociopath is a liar, and likely gets those who pretend or those with extreme stories on extreme cases they’ve encountered, which were likely more so narcissists than sociopaths.
To call us those words and to describe us all as being the same provides proof of your ignorance towards fellow man. I myself have been requested by doctors whom I’ve openly decided to see, to write about my life and my experiences and many of them beg I publish my works to help others like myself.
You mention we are born like this, no we are trained to be this. Born is psychopath, born is narcissist, trained and learned is sociopath. We gain our set of skills from trauma at a young age, and we lose our abilities at a young age because they were lost for us, in learning.
I suggest you do more research and depict the differences between the 20 people you spoke to, who really is a sociopath and who isn’t, what a narcissist is, what differences sociopaths and psychopaths have, and getting on a website where people don’t need to log in and see your 10 followers while feeling intimidated to leave a response.
You my friend, are the fraud.
– clinically diagnosed sociopath
I stand by my research and experience.
Wow. Every word in your diatribe just proves what Donna’s research says. Arrogance, false pride, deflection, generalities, lack of substance, minimizing, and exaggerating — you have the playbook down. Glad you are so proud of your diagnosis. Someone got it right.