“Very erotic!” That’s how a woman whom we’ll call “Cathy” described the beginning of her relationship with “Matt.” “Sex, sex, sex,” she said, “and sweet whisperings in my ears.”
After a whirlwind romance, they married. Cathy eventually discovered that sex was all Matt really wanted. She found a duffel bag filled with hard-core porn. His sexual demands made her uncomfortable. He cheated. Yet whenever Matt did or said anything hurtful, he soon acted as if nothing had happened.
Matt turned out to be callous, deceitful, manipulative, narcissistic, hostile, irresponsible, reckless and impulsive. In other words, he was a sociopath.
Many people think that sociopaths are all deranged serial killers. In reality, most sociopaths never kill anyone. They are, however, serial exploiters, always on the lookout for someone to use—often for sex.
But you would never know this when you first meet a sociopath. In the beginning, sociopaths seem to be charismatic, charming, exciting—and incredibly sexy.
Rating sex with sociopaths
People who have had sex with individuals who they now believe are sociopaths almost always rave about it. I’ve spoken to hundreds of people about their experiences. They often tell me that the sex with these individuals was the best they ever had.
For my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud 10 signs you’re dating a sociopath, I conducted a survey of more than 1,300 Lovefraud readers. One question was, “If you had sex with the individual, how would you rate it?” Here are the responses:
Sex with sociopaths
- Extraordinary 30%
- Satisfying 15%
- Dissatisfying 6%
- At first satisfying, later dissatisfying 30%
- He/she was satisfied; I was not 12%
- Abusive 4%
- Not applicable 3%
In all, 75% of survey respondents rated the sex as satisfying or more than satisfying, at least in the beginning of the relationship.
Why sociopaths are hot in bed
Sociopaths are hard-wired for sex. They have a lot of energy. They crave excitement and stimulation it’s an integral part of the disorder. Sex, of course, is one of the most stimulating activities a human being can enjoy. Sociopaths want it. They want it early and often. So they start young and engage frequently.
All sociopaths, both male and female, have high levels of testosterone. This hormone drives people to compete for sex partners and then mate with them. In sociopaths, high testosterone means high pursuit.
Besides craving excitement, sociopaths are also born without fear or shame. Consequently, they fail to develop guilt, inhibitions, a conscience or a sense of morality. Social proscriptions against particular acts mean nothing to them. They don’t care about the discomfort of their partners either.
So what does all this mean for sociopaths and sex? They have voracious appetites, they indulge often and anything goes.
No feelings of love
You might think that sex with a sociopath sounds exciting. But there are a few more things you should know.
First of all, if you want love along with your sex, you’re not going to get it from a sociopath. These people cannot form empathetic connections with other human beings, and therefore are incapable of feeling love. However, they know that if they speak words of love convincingly, they get what they want. So sociopaths often proclaim love quite eloquently—at least until they’re bored with you.
Second, if you want to keep the wild sex all for yourself, that’s not going to happen either. Most sociopaths cheat. In the Lovefraud survey, 75% of respondents said the sociopaths cheated on them, and 20% said they became infected with a sexually transmitted disease.
Finally, sociopaths are not slaves to their testosterone-fueled desires. They are quite capable of controlling, even withholding, sex, when it suits their purpose. For these people, sex usually has an agenda. Sometimes it’s just the physical release. But often sex is a tool to snare you, so that they can exploit you in some other way.
Sociopaths have incredible sexual magnetism. But if you hook up with them, the excitement will, sooner or later, lead to real problems in your life out of bed.
The sex with one spath currently in my life (next door) was rarely good, somewhat satisfying, and recent tries have been so unsatisfying, it was difficult not to laugh or cry. When I brought up an affair he had with a woman at work (I contacted her and verified it years later), he told me she was “nothing but a human hand.” THAT is how they look at sex. He prefers anal which I won’t do, but she would. A lot of them will. He likes transvestite porn but calls himself heterosexual. I think that spaths are Multisexual. I think they will have sex with anyone, anything, anywhere. I always felt like a “vessel” having sex with the spath. No love. Horrible kisser after the first 90 days. I am one of those women who made men wait a lot longer than three dates. That still doesn’t make them treasure you. Spaths are spaths and every hole is the same to them. The worst ones just don’t want to look at your face.
Ding, ding, ding!!! The bells are ringing true on this one.
My sp was a sex fiend. It wasn’t just the cheating, but he wanted the most risky, borderline sex he could find. BTW, we were in a gay relationship- just so what follows makes sense.
1. He once asked if he could be a male prostitute.
2. He told me he wanted to be gangbanged in a bathhouse by strangers (which I have found out he did already- a few times).
3. He loved SM sex. That’s all fine with me- but he had no limits. Sane people will play with it, but know their limits.
4. He used sex as a means to get close to people so he could control them, and later blackmail them. Accusing them of rape.
5. He could cheat, but I couldn’t- which I proudly never did.
6. He never learned from the three STDs he had in the year we dated. Fortunately, he only gave me one.
7. He was all about sex, and it was basically all he had to offer.
I am starting to become happier, realizing that I’m free of such a 2 dimensional, evil, manipulative creature.
interesting stories guys. Sex certainly isn’t everything. Goodness is. I think that is what the spaths teach us. Look for a good heart.
No, I’m not the Matt discussed in this article. I’m gay.
I can say that the sex I’ve had with my S-ex was mind-blowing at first. He made me feel like I was the best lover he ever had. And then he used it as a weapon, withholding, etc. Every vacation we had (I paid for everything), he would find some way to ruin it and oh, yes, withhold the sex.
At the end of our relationship I had him figured out well-enough to know he was setting me up for something really big ”“ he was facing eviction and I knew he needed yet another bailout. So, I decided to sit back and see how he was going to play this. As predicted, suddenly he couldn’t wait to get me into bed. And I am the first to admit it ”“ it was a pure revenge fuck on my part. I viewed it simply as partial payback for all the other times.
And when I gave him his marching papers, 2 weeks later when his landlord had locked him out and I said no to his request for 10 grand well, it was so satisfying to know that I had screwed him over in every sense of the word.
Matt ”“ good to see you! Yes, I had a similar experience ”“ at first my ex-husband couldn’t get enough of me, gradually it became routine and mechanical.
The Lovefraud survey that I did before writing my book ”“ “Red Flags of Love Fraud” ”“ turned up some really interesting data about sociopaths and sex. I’ll be presenting the data in June at the conference for the Society for the Scientific Study of Psychopathy. The data showed that sociopaths who lied about their sexual orientation ”“ 18.5% of the cases ”“ caused much more harm in the relationships than sociopaths who did not lie about their sexual orientation.
Oh My, can I ever relate to this article. Tantric sex was the focus of the spathy ex. Or so I thought. Really just a cover up for his sexual manipulations and predilections. His need for kink was because he was a ’tantric master’. His need for multiple sex partners was because he ’practiced poly amory’. Riiiight. He just found a lot of new age mumbo jumbo to make his schtick seem cool and groovy.
Initially it was just as Donna said”all hearts and flowers, and sex. Alas, when the devaluing started sex became more of an obvious tool for manipulation, then became rather mechanical and lifeless. Abusive really. It’s abusive to use another person’s body for personal gain.
In the end it felt downright creepy to be intimate with him. Unsafe even.
When I think of it now I feel such incredible gratitude that I NEVER have to be near him again. I never have to wake up with all the lies and abuse. What a RELIEF!
The truth about sex with a sociopath is that they try really hard as if they are competing against all your former lovers in the Olympics. I don’t think they are particularly great in bed. My ex asked me over and over again if he was the best I ever had. Then he told me he asked his former wife the same thing. Of course I was an idiot and told him he was the best in order to not ruin the moment. But it’s obvious he was more worried about his ranking and being superior to others than he was concerned about connecting with me in a true way. I personally feel annoyed when people use sex to prove something. It’s such a “user” thing to do. Let’s not buy into the sociopath’s mythology about themselves. Yeah, they might try harder to prove they are great. But are they really that great? I think the sex is part of the “lovebombing.” I have felt suffocated by the whole routine. It’s too much too soon. They run hot then they run cold on you. You can’t count on anything with this personality type. People aren’t people they are prey to the sociopathic mind.
I can relate as well. My ex was never into SM or anything violent but he would always say things (in the beginning only) during sex like “tell me you love me and only me” “tell me I’m the only one” it was SICK and twisted!!!
slimone, I can certainly understand where you’re coming from. And you’re right- it is abusive and manipulative.
Our sex life was great for a long time (albeit I didn’t know he was screwing around with everyone else, too). But, I felt no connection during sex- it was as though he knew how to put on the performance of love making, but he wasn’t really there, if you know what I mean. By the end, I felt like I was having sex with an empty shell. I only realize this now, after the relationship ended.
I’ve had lots of great sex before, and I’m a terrific lover. Why? Because I reach out to my partner and try to connect with him. Because I’m selfless in bed, and really seek to take my partner to great heights of pleasure and fulfillment. You know that feeling where your heads are pressed together, and you feel like there’s just the two of you in the world, and that your minds are one at the very moment. That’s what I look to create with someone I love. He was never capable of that.
I feel kind of sad for him, now. He’ll never know that feeling. To him, sex is all surface- stimulation and control. What a pathetic creature, to never feel connection to another human heart and mind. He’s really lost out in life, and will never know it. Sad.
Sex with mine wasn’t that great. It was nice, but he was really too lazy to make much effort. It was more about me doing the “work” and him receiving. Later on he gained a LOT of weight. When we split up, he was/is over 300 pounds. Needless to say, he was a beached whale in bed. I can’t figure out why somebody who’s always running ads and trolling for hook ups didn’t keep up his appearance to better his chances.
It wasn’t very long into the relationship that he was pushing the envelope and wanting to do things I wasn’t keen on. His former girlfriend had the same experience. He was kind of clumsy in bed, mechanical. There wasn’t a feeling of passion, just the mechanics. He did like to cuddle but it was missing a depth of feeling, of tenderness is the best I can describe it. It was really the holding me and cuddling that set the hook in me and bonded me to him.