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The truth about sex and sociopaths

“Very erotic!” That’s how a woman whom we’ll call “Cathy” described the beginning of her relationship with “Matt.” “Sex, sex, sex,” she said, “and sweet whisperings in my ears.”

After a whirlwind romance, they married. Cathy eventually discovered that sex was all Matt really wanted. She found a duffel bag filled with hard-core porn. His sexual demands made her uncomfortable. He cheated. Yet whenever Matt did or said anything hurtful, he soon acted as if nothing had happened.

Matt turned out to be callous, deceitful, manipulative, narcissistic, hostile, irresponsible, reckless and impulsive. In other words, he was a sociopath.

Many people think that sociopaths are all deranged serial killers. In reality, most sociopaths never kill anyone. They are, however, serial exploiters, always on the lookout for someone to use—often for sex.

But you would never know this when you first meet a sociopath. In the beginning, sociopaths seem to be charismatic, charming, exciting—and incredibly sexy.

Rating sex with sociopaths

People who have had sex with individuals who they now believe are sociopaths almost always rave about it. I’ve spoken to hundreds of people about their experiences. They often tell me that the sex with these individuals was the best they ever had.

For my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud 10 signs you’re dating a sociopath, I conducted a survey of more than 1,300 Lovefraud readers. One question was, “If you had sex with the individual, how would you rate it?” Here are the responses:

Sex with sociopaths

  • Extraordinary 30%
  • Satisfying 15%
  • Dissatisfying 6%
  • At first satisfying, later dissatisfying 30%
  • He/she was satisfied; I was not 12%
  • Abusive 4%
  • Not applicable 3%

In all, 75% of survey respondents rated the sex as satisfying or more than satisfying, at least in the beginning of the relationship.

Why sociopaths are hot in bed

Sociopaths are hard-wired for sex. They have a lot of energy. They crave excitement and stimulation it’s an integral part of the disorder. Sex, of course, is one of the most stimulating activities a human being can enjoy. Sociopaths want it. They want it early and often. So they start young and engage frequently.

All sociopaths, both male and female, have high levels of testosterone. This hormone drives people to compete for sex partners and then mate with them. In sociopaths, high testosterone means high pursuit.

Besides craving excitement, sociopaths are also born without fear or shame. Consequently, they fail to develop guilt, inhibitions, a conscience or a sense of morality. Social proscriptions against particular acts mean nothing to them. They don’t care about the discomfort of their partners either.

So what does all this mean for sociopaths and sex? They have voracious appetites, they indulge often and anything goes.

No feelings of love

You might think that sex with a sociopath sounds exciting. But there are a few more things you should know.

First of all, if you want love along with your sex, you’re not going to get it from a sociopath. These people cannot form empathetic connections with other human beings, and therefore are incapable of feeling love. However, they know that if they speak words of love convincingly, they get what they want. So sociopaths often proclaim love quite eloquently—at least until they’re bored with you.

Second, if you want to keep the wild sex all for yourself, that’s not going to happen either. Most sociopaths cheat. In the Lovefraud survey, 75% of respondents said the sociopaths cheated on them, and 20% said they became infected with a sexually transmitted disease.

Finally, sociopaths are not slaves to their testosterone-fueled desires. They are quite capable of controlling, even withholding, sex, when it suits their purpose. For these people, sex usually has an agenda. Sometimes it’s just the physical release. But often sex is a tool to snare you, so that they can exploit you in some other way.

Sociopaths have incredible sexual magnetism. But if you hook up with them, the excitement will, sooner or later, lead to real problems in your life out of bed.

 

 



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Wow, Wendy, I’d like to meet a man like that! I was talking to a friend today who had a bad experience recently with dating after her divorce from a sociopath. She was dating a guy casually and didn’t hear from him for about two weeks. Then he texted her one day, asking if they could skip the dinner and a movie, and he could just come to her house for sex. OMG. She said it just seems like there aren’t any good guys out there who aren’t sociopaths or married cheaters, and we’re really better off just living with our cats and having good female friends in our lives. It sounds like there may be a few genuine, loving and sincere guys left. Good luck with yours!

Sex was infrequent and on his schedule.

I didn’t find that uncomfortable. I went to a very strict, Catholic, convent school. The nuns in high school would always tell us that boys that we dated would buy us a soda and spend the rest of the evening trying to squeeze it out of us; these were evil boys. Sex was not even brought up at home, as my mom was the victim of sexual abuse by clergy when she was a young child.

The spath was one of the most straight laced people I ever knew. We were invited to a reception/party at a professor’s home during law school. A fellow student told an off color joke, the spath grabbed me and herded me out the door, no apologies to the host. There was no hand holding, arm around the shoulder, or God forbid, kissing. The spath was logical in everything he did, touchy feely is not logical. He would recoil if anyone inadvertently touched him; teacher, classmate, stranger on public transport, sales clerk.

Sex is a tool-The shocking part.

Here is this flat broke, unemployed guy that suddenly cons a broker into giving him control of 2 million dollars. What can he do with the money? He can’t buy things, too many unanswerable questions; he can’t have anything in his name, same reason; he can’t disappear, his con would be exposed and he would be tracked.

I know he researched the possibilities long and hard. To quote the spath “I found the world of escorts”.

Yes, it is a world of sex, but more importantly, to him, it was a world of no questions asked, no background checks, nom de computer screen the accepted, no fear of calls to the family or anyone else. Just money followed by acceptance.

In the beginning he hired these girls to teach him sex. As he became more confident there were two different girls at different times in the same day, 2 girls at once, 3 or 4 girls at once, 2 girls him and another guy, one girl him and another guy, male and male interaction and any other variation you can imagine. From July 03 to October 08 the frequency was, at the minimum, 3 times a week, sometimes 8, and anywhere in between. There were frequent sex parties. All done before the evening rush and never on weekends; again questions would be raised. The cost, more than 5 grand a week, sometimes, much more than double.

In the basement, I found a piece of loose paneling, behind which was hidden a tall pile of sex toys/clothing. At the bottom were innocuous things like vibrators, as the stack grew, the items became less and less main stream and clothing started to appear, at the top were S and M and other devices.

The spath wanted more than sex. He wanted to snare these women. In the early days, it was cyber stalking them; finding out their real names and jobs, yes many escorts do work in the real world. He was looking for a special girl, one he could dominate as well as a girl that would give him ‘prestige’ in this nether world. He eventually found one. He set her up in an apartment and all that went with it. She was still was an escort and he was still seeing other escorts. She however declared her love, and yes she did love him. He became part of her family, her kids, her parents. He became complacent with her, he trusted her enough to stop giving her cash, but rather stolen checks to deposit. They even opened up a house of ill repute in “their” apartment. She made the mistake however of believing that he loved her. Oh, he said he did, even posted it. He had entire communities believing he loved her. From her he could be lionized by these people because she was a well known escort. Then she became clingy, her big mistake.

She passed away and the spath found out that her death was a very valuable thing. He could and did gain sympathy from this sub world, because of her he was lionized even more. What these people didn’t know was that he was trolling 2 days after her burial just in a different place. Her family, believing that he he loved her, still welcomed him to drop over her parents house whenever he wanted a to talk or have meal. They did not know what their daughter was doing or how they met.

His true motive came out in a email a little after her death, he missed the apartment she was willing to put in her name. He needed another gal to do the same. He eventually found one, a much younger woman, that was well known to his dead “love”. He even ingratiated himself to her family. Did she think he was a great sex partner; one of the more memorable texts from her says that he should steal some batteries from my mother’s house for her vibrator.

He became so sure of his status in this sub world that he gave other women and men obviously stolen and forged checks. These women didn’t see a great lover, they saw money; the men saw someone who would not rat them out.

Sex, like everything and anything else in life, was only a means to an end for the spath. Was he good in bed, I doubt the escorts would tell.

I do know the escorts wanted school papers done, computer help, fancy handbags, meals, wine, clothes, phones, gifts for their kids, tuition, and cash. I am not sure all of them cared about the quality of sex.

In case you are wondering how I know, the spath, up to a point, actually kept very well protected spreadsheets; I have the email, texts, statements, etc.. I know about the meals, hotels, plane tickets, luxury gifts and more. The dead can no longer keep their hidden life secret, especially when the funds are stolen.

That is interesting, I am an escort and I have come across a few socios that have tried to win me over. On occasion, I fall for it for just a few days and then realize what the hell is going on and I berate them bpd style. If submissiveness is a prerequisite for dating a socio, then that def isn’t me. I’ve actually done dominatrix work as well. Anthey usually leave me alone once they realize I’m not buying their bullshit and their game won’t take. Its that simple. As far as the first comment, it is my belief that most males have socio traits. Some more than others. Men in general are narc, selfish and hypersexual. As well as dishonest and cold. That’s why I’m a misandrist and I’m glad I am. I can spot the bs from a mile away.

Really? All psychopaths have high levels of testosterone? Can you provide a reputable link to a scientific study that says that?

According to the following authors only 1 study has tried to uncover if there’s a link between testosterone and psychopathy:

‘Stalenheim et al. (1998) found testosterone levels to bepositively correlated with the impulsive and antisocial behavior aspects of psychopathy, but not with psychopathy as awhole. A study of youth with callous-unemotional traits, which are thought to be similar to psychopathic traits inadulthood, found no difference in testosterone levels in these youth compared to control participants (Loney, Butler,Lima, Counts, & Eckel, 2006).’

http://www.academia.edu/876030/Increased_testosterone-to-cortisol_ratio_in_psychopathy

Here’s some snippets from a 2011 study, with link, that indicate (from a very small sample size of 178 people recruited from temporary employment agencies and exhibiting a wide range of psychopathic traits and assessed for psychopathy by graduate students) that there is NO correlation between testosterone and psychopathy. The study conclusion:

‘In a large sample of adults, no significant relationships were observed between psychopathy and baseline testosterone or cortisol, or cortisol reactivity to a stressor. Furthermore, there were no significant interactions between these variables. Although we did not observe a relationship between psychopathy and the ratio of baseline testosterone to cortisol, predicted by Terburg et al. (2009), we did observe a significant relationship between psychopathy and the ratio of baseline testosterone to cortisol reactivity.’

I include a larger snippet:

‘ Results showed that psychopathy scores were associated with an increased ratio of testosterone (baseline) to cortisol responsivity to a stressor. …

However, only one study has tested therelationship between testosterone and psychopathy in adults. Stalenheim et al. (1998) found testosterone levels to be positively correlated with the impulsive and antisocial behavior aspects of psychopathy, but not with psychopathy as a whole….

If the balance between these two hormones is changed so that there is more testosterone relative to cortisol actingon the amygdala, an individual may become less fearful, and more reward seeking and aggressive (van Honk, Harmon-Jones, Morgan, & Schutter, 2010; van Honk & Schutter, 2006); these traits are associated with Facets 2 (Affective), 3(Lifestyle), and 4 (Antisocial) of psychopathy, respectively…

In sum, a high testosterone/cortisol ratio may enhance sensitivity to reward relative to punishment,promote approach rather than avoidance reactions, and reduce the emotional input from the amygdala to the orbito frontal cortex that is critical for empathy and recognizing cues that a decision may be risky or harmful. It may also impair thea bility to regulate emotion and aggression. Together, it is hypothesized that these mechanisms may predispose toward psychopathy (Terburg, et al., 2009; van Honk & Schutter, 2006). However, a full understanding of this relationship remains to be elucidated. Based on the mechanisms described, we hypothesized that the ratio of testosterone to cortisolwould be associated with psychopathy, and that the strongest relationships would be with Facets 2, 3, and 4.

In a large sample of adults, no significant relationships were observed between psychopathy and baselinetestosterone or cortisol, or cortisol reactivity to a stressor. Furthermore, there were no significant interactions between these variables. Although we did not observe a relationship between psychopathy and the ratio of baseline testosterone tocortisol, predicted by Terburg et al. (2009), we did observe a significant relationship between psychopathy and the ratio of baseline testosterone to cortisol reactivity. Individuals scoring higher in psychopathy had a higher ratio of baselinetestosterone to cortisol reactivity; this accounted for 5% of the variance in psychopathic traits. This effect was only truefor individuals with high baseline levels of testosterone. These findings highlight the importance of a multi-systemapproach in hormone research.’

http://www.academia.edu/876030/Increased_testosterone-to-cortisol_ratio_in_psychopathy

NoLongerShocked
Just wanted to validate you. Sometimes you will see posts as if the theory was accepted fact. You discuss one of them and you provide the source. (in other theories, it’s the opposite, that low T leads to a certain body type and psychopathy. They used the example of the 40 yr old man living in his mother’s basement.)

I recall someone writing that left handedness was an indicator of sociopathy, which is not true. There are others who said that sociopath have a certain smell about them. Again, any correlation is NOT causation. It doesn’t even stand up to simple math, but people will get very upset if disagreed with.

I used to feel concerned that new people seeking info would accept these opinions as fact. I felt compelled to be responsible, to keep left handed people from being a target. Now I’ve come to accept that as lf members heal, they will realize that making such statements come from an emotional need and not from someone stating a valid rational fact.

My ex psychopath is left handed, so I have been interested in the correlation. This link goes to an article that references empirical studies that found a correlation between left handedness and psychopathy. http://www.crimetimes.org/01b/w01bp7.htm

It doesn’t connote any kind of causation, and it doesn’t mean every left handed person is a psychopath or vice versa, just that the traits appear in the same person more often than chance.

My ex psychopath had absolutely no sense of smell, which also has been empirically found to correlate with psychopathy. It makes sense given the parts of the physical brain that govern smell and empathy.

I don’t think he has srabismus, which is also correlated to psychopathy, and I have noticed strabismus in the photos of a number of well known psychopaths.

With respect to what causes what, consider that being a long distance runner correlates with the trait of having well developed leg muscles. The conclusion that having well developed leg muscles causes long distance running is wrong. The opposite is the truth.
It has been shown that the brain and certain parts of the brain become more or less developed with use or disuse. If a person practices kindness he develops that part of the brain, same as practicing music will develop that part of the brain.

After living the nightmare of a sociopath, I understand the need to make sense of nonsense. The problem I have is that attributing certain human characteristics to evil is that it’s a slippery slope. There were death camps filled with those deemed evil. Millions died. Many came still remember the misery of children who were emotionally destroyed b/c they were southpaws, bullied by schoolmates, and judged by communities as EVIL simply b/c they were lefthanded. In a little older history, how many were killed b/c they were “scientifically” proven witches by “witch finders”?

I usually have a sensitive nose, but during my many sinus infections, many brought on during times of terrible grief and much crying, I’ve lost my sense of smell. Lots of us kids hung out together b/c we shared a horrible family home, we were the abused. Many had hearing loss and vision issues b/c of the beatings, not b/c they were evil or predisposed to psychopathy.

And I can not forget that my ex used “empirical evidence” in his smear campaigns against me as his “proof” to encourage people to physically assault me, help him cheat on me, hide assets so I had no financial ability to hire an attorney or leave him.

This judgment of people as psychopaths by some authority figure based on physical attribute is a VERY VERY dangerous slippery slope. I’ll accept behavior as an indicator or certain brain scans, but not physical characteristics. That kind of thinking is used too often against the innocent.

I agree with your assessment.

I haven’t read of someone being labelled a psychopath based on the correlations discussed in this post by a social scientist. I perceive that properly diagnosed psychopaths are being studied in many ways to try to understand the phenomena. I have never read of anyone labeling someone a psychopath based on one of the traits that show up more often than in the non psychopathic population.

The abuse you describe sounds pretty horrible. Spaths use all kinds of nonsensical word salad fake ‘logic’ to ‘justify’ blaming and accusing their victims. Typical crazy making torture. Reminds me of the slogan the Nazis posted over one of the death camps “Arbeit macht frei,” Work makes one free. Insinuating that forced labor leads to freedom, so the Nazis are doing good by forcing the prisoners into slave labor, or whatever. Calling evil good and good evil is condemned in the Bible (Isaiah 5:20).

For those still in the middle of their nightmare and wondering…I should have noted… all the carp that I thought was permanent such as memory problems, loss of smell from constant sinus infections, depression, paranoia etc etc ALL went away after I left my husband BUT… I HAD to ACTIVELY pursue healing. Waiting for it didn’t make it happen. I had to pursue healthy living. Healing is as individual as each of us are.

Please don’t think that misery continues. THEY destroy us, but WE can recover/heal b/c WE are not THEM. YAhooie for that.

Thank you, NotWhatHeSaid of me, for your validation. And thanky you, AnnettePK, for your other examples.

My perspective is that I was doing a lot of research on Thomas Sheridan. As far as I can tell he started the myth about Ps having high testosterone levels(but I might be completely wrong). And I was researching him because there seems to be a lot of unquestioning acceptance of stuff he writes in his books, even though (and I haven’t read them, only read ABOUT them) he apparently doesn’t provide references. Google books is usually useful for checking what authors have and haven’t said but both ‘Puzzling people’ and ‘Defeated demons’ have no searchable content and right now I’m skint so can’t buy them. 🙂

The available evidence that I’ve found so far seems credible and indicates that TS has many online identities, and in those identities he’s foul-mouthed and misogynistic. I also had no idea that he was the founder of PsychopathFree, and that he left very suddenly. I can understand PF not wanting to wash its dirty linen in public but what surprises me is that other websites dealing with Ps don’t discuss HIM. Instead his books (and some of the things he says) seem to be unquestioningly accepted.

Nolonger,

After reading a couple of things by Thomas Sheridan, I decided not to get and use information from him.

Have you read any studies that indicate that testosterone suppresses oxytocin? I’ve seen articles that indicate this is accurate but don’t point to a particular study conducted on this issue. If it’s true, it could explain why rape offenders are more frequently men than women.

Donna-

I’ve seen reports that testosterone is known to suppress oxytocin. It would seem logical that some people with high levels of testosterone would have character disorder as a result, since oxytocin has been linked to empathy.

That doesn’t mean that all athletes and males are disordered, but it shouldn’t come as a surprise to us when a world class athlete, like Oscar Pistorius, fires his gun at his girlfriend through a closed bathroom door, or a football star, like Ray Rice, drags his unconscious fiance out of an elevator by her foot after punching her lights out.

Thank you Donna for finally putting words to the bizarre behaviors that Ive experienced first hand. I’ve asked you previously about the shark eye stares of these people and was wondering if anyone can put a scientific name to this physical manifestation. It scared me, and now I know why he always kissed me, in the beginning of our relationship with his eyes wide open. His responses to me were text book. Im not so concerned with the wording or phrasing of these signature manifestations but am more amazed and astonished at the signs and symptoms of this pathology. I actually saw his whole eye turn black. I thought at first he was a God, or demon, but am realizing that alot of this was my own gut giving me clues, or red flags as to the danger I was in. I cannot express my gratefulness for opening my eyes to this most bizarre relationship that I was in. NEVER heard of this in my life, it is like you met him firsthand, textbook. This is my first post and my thoughts and feelings are new confused and jumbled. Thanks for the insight. I took it upon myself as being flawed and unloveable but now I know better. Hes been incarcerated for six months and Im finally starting to heal but am still in denial about this man, wanting desperately his love.

Your desire for his love is the result of your addiction to him.

Romantic love is an addiction. Your dopamine levels and serotonin levels have been affected by your relationship, and the withdrawal creates cravings, just like if you were addicted to heroin.

Knowing that your desire for him has a chemical component can help you resist the feelings they generate. Also, being in the company of supportive friends and family can help you ease away from longing by supplying you with similar brain chemistry, but from a different source. Be careful, however, non-supportive friends or family can drive you into deeper feelings of depression.

Mine, I believe is a narcissist ans sociopath. I do not believe he has high testosterone. He has has problems with soem things for awhile.

I thought I found my soulmate but it quickly went sour with drinking snd verbal abuse.

We had a lot of sex in the beginning that I really loved. We still have sex a lot now but I dont think it’s that great. A lot of it was because it was excitig but a much larger part of it was that I believed he loved me. Now I know he cannot.

He will be abusive and deny me sex. Then I crave it because I thought it would help lead to us communicating again or lead to fixing issues. If I dont want him to touch me, he will rape me in my sleep then toss me away. No communication. For many days sometimes. If he gets the clue that its not working and I still want to deal with the real issue, then he will discard me all together. Eitber through complete silent treatment or leaving because he is “mad” and goes to a hotel. He will go to a bar too but swear nothing “happened”.

The last time he did this I made it very clear I would leave. Whike he is gone. We have a child.

He hasnt done it since but I realize it could happen.

Sometimes I really feel like I am dying and my life is over. I have fibromyalgia now and ny counselor diagnosed me with PTSD, anxiety, and depression.

I cant take any medicine because he has a pill problem and when I brought it to light with family, he accused me of being the one with the actual problem. They no longer communicate with us. He is a very good deceiver.

So now I just eat healthy, work out again, and take lots of suppliments. I dont trust him at all ans believe anything I might take would be used against me. “She is off her meds, she is crazy..” etc.

He sounds like a classic spath. It sounds like you have come to understand how evil and dangerous he is. He has caused you a lot of pain, and gave you PTSD, anxiety and depression. Is there any way you and your child can get away from him? That is the best way to recover from the harm spaths cause.

‘Spaths are not slaves to their testosterone-fueled desires. They are quite capable of controlling, even withholding, sex when it suits their purpose’.

I was with a spath who would withhold.

I saw a psychologist in the 80’s about this relationship. He did not say this guy was a spath. He missed it, not knowledgeable about psychopathy.

Sex with the first psychopath was very good. It was very satisfying. The sexual chemistry with a recent psychopath was very rough.

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