“Very erotic!” That’s how a woman whom we’ll call “Cathy” described the beginning of her relationship with “Matt.” “Sex, sex, sex,” she said, “and sweet whisperings in my ears.”
After a whirlwind romance, they married. Cathy eventually discovered that sex was all Matt really wanted. She found a duffel bag filled with hard-core porn. His sexual demands made her uncomfortable. He cheated. Yet whenever Matt did or said anything hurtful, he soon acted as if nothing had happened.
Matt turned out to be callous, deceitful, manipulative, narcissistic, hostile, irresponsible, reckless and impulsive. In other words, he was a sociopath.
Many people think that sociopaths are all deranged serial killers. In reality, most sociopaths never kill anyone. They are, however, serial exploiters, always on the lookout for someone to use—often for sex.
But you would never know this when you first meet a sociopath. In the beginning, sociopaths seem to be charismatic, charming, exciting—and incredibly sexy.
Rating sex with sociopaths
People who have had sex with individuals who they now believe are sociopaths almost always rave about it. I’ve spoken to hundreds of people about their experiences. They often tell me that the sex with these individuals was the best they ever had.
For my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud 10 signs you’re dating a sociopath, I conducted a survey of more than 1,300 Lovefraud readers. One question was, “If you had sex with the individual, how would you rate it?” Here are the responses:
Sex with sociopaths
- Extraordinary 30%
- Satisfying 15%
- Dissatisfying 6%
- At first satisfying, later dissatisfying 30%
- He/she was satisfied; I was not 12%
- Abusive 4%
- Not applicable 3%
In all, 75% of survey respondents rated the sex as satisfying or more than satisfying, at least in the beginning of the relationship.
Why sociopaths are hot in bed
Sociopaths are hard-wired for sex. They have a lot of energy. They crave excitement and stimulation it’s an integral part of the disorder. Sex, of course, is one of the most stimulating activities a human being can enjoy. Sociopaths want it. They want it early and often. So they start young and engage frequently.
All sociopaths, both male and female, have high levels of testosterone. This hormone drives people to compete for sex partners and then mate with them. In sociopaths, high testosterone means high pursuit.
Besides craving excitement, sociopaths are also born without fear or shame. Consequently, they fail to develop guilt, inhibitions, a conscience or a sense of morality. Social proscriptions against particular acts mean nothing to them. They don’t care about the discomfort of their partners either.
So what does all this mean for sociopaths and sex? They have voracious appetites, they indulge often and anything goes.
No feelings of love
You might think that sex with a sociopath sounds exciting. But there are a few more things you should know.
First of all, if you want love along with your sex, you’re not going to get it from a sociopath. These people cannot form empathetic connections with other human beings, and therefore are incapable of feeling love. However, they know that if they speak words of love convincingly, they get what they want. So sociopaths often proclaim love quite eloquently—at least until they’re bored with you.
Second, if you want to keep the wild sex all for yourself, that’s not going to happen either. Most sociopaths cheat. In the Lovefraud survey, 75% of respondents said the sociopaths cheated on them, and 20% said they became infected with a sexually transmitted disease.
Finally, sociopaths are not slaves to their testosterone-fueled desires. They are quite capable of controlling, even withholding, sex, when it suits their purpose. For these people, sex usually has an agenda. Sometimes it’s just the physical release. But often sex is a tool to snare you, so that they can exploit you in some other way.
Sociopaths have incredible sexual magnetism. But if you hook up with them, the excitement will, sooner or later, lead to real problems in your life out of bed.
Sex was great in the beginning. He worked hard to be pleasing and it was very passionate. 8 months later, I wondered what happened to that guy. It became entirely about dominance and punishment. He intentionally withheld physical contact to punish me, and when he did decide to gift me with intercourse he often made certain that I stayed unfulfilled. And yes, he also became lazy.
I thought it was my fault and he was happy to let me believe that was true. I thought he was turned off by my personality or my physical appearance, even though the latter had only improved because I also wanted to be pleasing to HIM. I asked him a hundred times to tell me what had changed for him. I begged him to either help me fix it or release me, and in return I got nothing but contempt.
At the end of it all I discovered he was having secretive sexual encounters with types of women he had always adamantly rejected. I found out that all of the relationship morals and values he claimed were nothing but lies. It was the sexual paramoralism that just about did me in. It was so devastating.
My ex-boyfriend told me that he looked at his ex-wife once during a sexual encounter and he said he thought, “She’s nothing but a receptacle.” It was a horrible thing to say. I think back on some of the things he told me about his ex-wives and girlfriends. I kept thinking it was inevitable that he’d eventually turn on me that way. After idealizing me, he’d devalue me and betray me. Again, I knew this guy for a a long time at a distance. I only stayed in a dating relationship with him for two months. The reason I left so soon is because I learned my lesson with my ex-husband before. He was a sociopath with other personality disorders and addictions. I got so burned I never forgot my lessons. I seemed to attract another sociopath with this recent shorter-term boyfriend. But I knew when to get out. One night I just sensed something was wrong. I’d been feeling him turning cold on me all week after lovebombing me for about seven weeks straight. I recognized the pattern from my previous marriage. I gathered my things I’d brought to spend the night at his condo and announced I was leaving. I even took my keys from his key ring. This made him very angry. I was feeling panic and anxiety. He turned all stern and icy on me. He told me I had “issues.” Of course, I didn’t know at the time that he was calling his ex-girlfriend behind my back and asking her to get back together with him. But I knew something was very wrong. That night-despite my gut feeling telling me to leave- I ended up staying the night with him and giving in. I saw this wry smile appear on his face, a look of satisfaction, like he won. It wasn’t joy. It wasn’t kindness. It was this self-satisfied grin. It creeped me out. I had seen this kind of smile before in my past. I think he’s got a lot of hostility toward women in general. He masks that and calls himself a great “lover.” Every failed relationship he’s had is someone else’s fault. He’s the victim. It is such a load of crap. I am just glad I got out. I wasn’t so smart in my past. I wasted a lot of years. I just can’t do it to myself anymore.
Cassandrasdream,
I know that smile;it haunts me to this day.
I know the smirk of self satisfaction too. It is horrible, unnerving. ,You are very strong cassdream , you have learnt to keep yourself safe. That’s great.
Blossom,
I felt a cold chill in my body when I saw that. I told him that night, “I see you.” I meant “I see you for what you are.” He was so angry. I think that is what they fear the most.
But everything is a game. And he won. And at the moment I was the opponent. All the phony love stuff he’d been bombarding me with for seven weeks or so just evaporated.
So pathetic.
Cassandrasdream,
I did not “pick up on that smile” at the time,but later after I left,it was one of the things I remembered,and suddenly,I felt very cold and frightened!Because I wondered exactly what he was thinking at the time he smiled that way at me!Although married for all these years,we had not had sex for 20 yrs(he was withholding).After having a d&c,for some reason,perhaps a sudden surge of hormones or the humiliation I’d been through of the gynecologist learning my story,I wanted to try.We did,or rather I did…he was lazy.THEN CAME THE SMILE…..UGH!
And yes, it was the same for me, except that my ex was a female.
On top of that, I’m starting to wonder if I’ve not bumbled into another one.
Anyway, great sex. And extremely eloquent about her feelings (if not a little demanding about mine). She constantly waxed on about how she felt for me showering me with gifts, shizzle, and an array of minutia.
Just one problem…. She was showering an entire cloud of men with gifts, shizzle, and minutia.
But I, the unwittingly vigilant INTP, began to sense that something was amiss.
What a frackin’ bummer that this is the fruit life sometimes bears.
I was targeted by a sexually magnetic male at my last full time (state position). Yeah…you may have read this in another post.
My instincts told me he was a “manipulator/user” so I side-stepped him when possible (which was not often as he thought nothing of frequently my office everyday) and he caused exciting sexual tension (to the point where I wanted to leave…become a truck driver…anything…) just to end it.
It turns out that I DID leave because of him. After he turned on me and threw me under the bus. He suddenly turned nasty and cruel. It was due to my lackluster work skills, to be sure…but might it have also been due to my spurning him?
Sorry for the grammatical errors…I meant “frequenting my office” not “frequently”…
Other mistakes…”after he turned on me…” is not a sentence…
You get the picture, eh?
Sometimes I wish I had not deleted all texts from The Illusion because when I remember the lovebomb feeling (being captivated by his smile & the insane sexual chemistry) it makes my mournful. If I had the texts that showed his ‘true’ personality, that couldn’t be blurred by that intense gaze (which now the thought creeps me out), I would be reminded about the rage behind the eyes & stop mourning it. (I am truly thankful they’re gone. )
Most days are good, & always getting better, but sometimes when I’m feeling lonely I crave the physical intensity… which I know is an insane thought.
PS. I’m thankful that my coworkers have stopped talking about ’50 Shades of Sociopath’ book series which turns my stomach.
50 shades of sociopath! Lol. So true.
Two cents from another gay victim – my ex-spath use to hyper-ventilate during sex in the beginning and there were several occassions where I thought he was going to have a heart attack!
Looking back, I wonder if the hyper-ventilating was just a sign of his spath hyper-sexuality or was it part of the love bombing – trying to play on what he perceived as a lack of self-confidence in myself in bed? Then he’d do this rolling eye trick to capture me further.
Just another question I’ll never know the answer to.
I wondered reading your post lifeisgood if your ex had taken something which caused the hyperventilation? Amyl nitrate, or viagra? Or as you say possibly just bizarre theatrics
It sounds to me like the sex statistics about psychopaths are very over rated. I experienced nothing exciting in the beginning with the sex. All of the lovebombig was psychological and emotional manipulation. And then the sex turned into necrophilia. I had to play dead while he used me as a receptacle…raped me.
Betsybugs,
I agree that it is over rated. I am sorry about your experience being violated. That word “receptacle” still bothers me ever since my spath ex-boyfriend said it.
Sex with the sp was very good for me in the beginning. He didn’t seem like my narcissistic exhusband who wasn’t too interested in anything but himself. Sex was intoxicating and it accompanied the lovebombing. I was so in need for contact and love, I soaked it up. He kept up his campaign for about 6 months until I agreed to move in with him. After that things went downhill. I started to realize the depravity and the porn addiction. We had talked of marriage and all that goes with it, but after I moved in, he mentioned that he didn’t believe in marriage because it was a form of monogamy and he didn’t want to be monogamous. I was flabbergasted because this was totally opposite what he preached before I moved in. I was turned off and didn’t really want to be touched by him for a while, but I was afraid that if he didn’t get sex from me, he would go elsewhere. I did everything he asked sexually and it got worse and worse until he told me that he was going to be doing some swinging. When I told him no to the swinging, he cut me off sex completely. I was beside myself. Now I know that no matter what I did, he was going to cheat on me but at the time I was desperate to keep things together.
Another responder mentioned about the “smile”. I got it too, and even after a year away from him, I feel ill when I think of it. He used to get that smile when he hurt me sexually and emotionally. When I finally told him I was leaving, I allowed him to take me to bed one more time and he got that smile.
To me the sp had lots of sex appeal and he used it liberally on me. When we met, he was clean cut and very respectable looking. About a year later, he had gained about 40 lbs, grew a nasty goatee and put his hair into dreadlocks (I had mine in dreads, but I don’t have a receding hairline so they didn’t look ridiculous lol). Wasn’t the look I was looking for in a mate, but since I loved him, I accepted him for who he was and didn’t harp at him for his appearance.
After we had been together for about 6 months he started to tell me that all kinds of women were giving him the “f-me” eyes. At first, I thought he was joking, but he was serious! He truly thought that every woman was attracted to him. I just give my head a shake and thank whatever power that gave me the strength to leave that nasty dreadlocked piece of self propelled human refuse.
I have been sp free for 1 year now. I sometimes miss the sex, but then I remember all the stuff attached to it and realize that I’m better off with the type of love that comes from a battery!
SKgirl, I hear you on a few things here for sure. I always felt like if I didn’t have sex with him that he would stray. We had sex every day. And if we went more than a few days he would become upset(even though I was looking after his child full time and had never been a mother) He would always say that he’s never gone longer than 3 days without sex….it put a ton of pressure on me. Separate vacations made things very stressful for me. He also said that all of these girls want to “F&#K him” and give him the “eyes” right in front of me???? I like you thought he would change and not cheat on me. I never found any instances but it for sure would have happened.
I’ve recently started seeing someone and we have just started a sexual relationship. I’ve been afraid of this because I am afraid of feeling disrespected. Once we did I noticed that he was SO respectful, so gentle, and I for once felt SO calm and comfortable…. I was worried I would be craving the intense addictive sex I had with my exspath. I wasn’t. I enjoyed it.
Saskgirl,
My ex-husband (another spath) was also a porn addict/sex addict in addition to drugs. He sold himself as this wonderfully evolved human being who had overcome alcohol and drugs to anybody who would listen. It was all a lie. He also gained weight and stopped showering or even brushing his teeth. I mean, no showers for two weeks…. That is, until a 20 year old intern came to work at his office. He was perfectly groomed for a whole week.
My spath ex-boyfriend did the lovebombing, instant soulmate, controlling, jealous thing. I never got around to figuring out if he had any issues with sex or porn addiction. But I wouldn’t be surprised. He often announced that he was so satisfied in our new relationship that he didn’t even need to “take care of himself.” I never asked him about this topic. He just brought it up during one of his many speeches about how I was the best lover ever (of course, he nagged at me to say the same thing about him). I found this a bit scary, because it made me remember how my porn/sex addict ex-husband used to carry on about not taking care of himself either. The truth was that was what he did every chance he got, even in his sister’s bathroom on a family visit in the middle of the afternoon. He accidentally left the volume too loud on his iPhone and for a few seconds you could hear loud porn noises through the bathroom door.
It’s all lies on top of lies. And there’s nothing sexy about a liar and a user. As I said before, they can put on a good show for a while. Eventually, the truth comes out.