UPDATED FOR 2024: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader who posts as “forever_me.” She asks a very important question: “Should I warn the next victim?” I’ll answer her question after her letter.
Hello. I am looking for some guidance. I was in a romantic relationship with a P for over 2 years, but just broke it off earlier this week. I discovered that he was using an online dating site and was able to access it because I knew the patterns of his passwords. I created a bogus profile on the same website and contacted one of the women he was messaging. She was shocked to hear from me because my P told her he was single and not dating anyone. What was worse was that they had engaged in unprotected sex a few days before my P and I had unprotected sex. We agreed to meet each other to discuss the details of our relationships with this man. She had been dating him for just over a month.
After my conversation with this woman, I wanted answers from my P, although at this time I didn’t realize that was what he was. I was persistent in my confrontation with him, which took 3 hours of dealing with blatant lie after lie. He initially denied dating anyone else or knowing about the dating site, then claimed he was letting a friend use his identity to cheat on a fiance, then finally admitted he did go on a few dates with the woman I had contacted through the site. However, he swore that he’d never had sex with her or anyone else since we’d been together. In fact, the woman I met was actually stalking him and trying to turn me against him since he rejected her. I eventually walked out the door when he told me he was sorry, not for his actions, but because I was under the misunderstanding we were a couple instead of just friends with benefits. lt is worth noting that during the course of our dialogue, he casually picked up the newspaper to read it and briefly watched the local news as if we were just having a typical evening together.
I was so bewildered by his lies and behavior after I left that I began searching the internet and stumbled upon this blog. Reading the many entries made me realize that I had been involved with a P. All the little red flags added up and I’m coming to terms with the truth. This site has expedited my healing and I thank everyone involved for that!
Now my conscience is wondering if I should continue to warn other women about him? He changed his password but I have once again figured it out. The woman I contacted before was glad I did. I don’t plan to meet any of these women going forward, but just send them a note of concern under cover to let them know what to watch for if they decide to date him. I know I can’t do this forever since he could change his password again or switch dating sites, and I need to move on with my life as well. The advice I’ve read here says I should just walk away since I have no financial, legal, or career ties to him. Several women are currently corresponding with him. Since he’s independently wealthy, handsome, and charming, they’ll be hooked soon enough. Should I just let it go or contact these women knowing I’ll save a few of them from the pain he’ll surely inflict?
Should she try to warn the next victim, or shouldn’t she? This has been the topic of much debate here on Lovefraud. I wrote about this topic in a blog post back in 2007. But it’s an important issue, so let’s discuss it again.
Factors to consider
If you’re considering warning others about the sociopath, here are factors to consider:
1. Can you warn someone safely?
The first thing to consider, of course, is your physical safety. If the sociopath you were involved with has a history of violence, even if the violence was never directed towards you, I would urge caution.
But safety involves more than worries about violence. Consider also your legal and financial status. If you are in the midst of a divorce or custody battle with your ex, you do not want to do anything that will jeopardize your case, your job, or anything else that he may be able to damage through accusations.
No matter how badly you may feel for the next target, you must put yourself first.
2. What is your emotional state?
Relationships with sociopaths inflict emotional and psychological damage on us. The best way to recover from the damage is to have no contact with the sociopath.
Tracking a sociopath’s actions is sometimes gratifying, however, because we feel like we’re no longer being conned. We see through the mask. We know what he or she is up to. In a way, it’s a boost to our trampled self-esteem to be on to the con. And yes, we probably have to admit to wanting a taste of revenge by ruining the sociopath’s game.
But even if we’re not talking to the sociopath, or sending e-mail, we have to remember that keeping tabs, and warning others, is a form of contact. As we say here on Lovefraud, the predator is still renting space in our brains.
So, before you do it, think about where you are in your recovery. Can you do this and continue to heal?
3. Will the victim’s reaction affect you?
We know how good the sociopaths are, because we were hooked. Think of how the sociopath described his or her prior involvements to you. Did he say his ex-wives were mentally disturbed? Did she say her ex-husband was a stalker? Well, that’s what is now being said about you.
The sociopath is already running a smear campaign to discredit anything that you may say. At the same time, the sociopath is love bombing the new victim. He or she is primed to disbelieve you.
If the new victim blows you off, can you just walk away?
My view
In my personal opinion, if you can warn the next victim without jeopardizing your own safety and recovery, I think you should at least try.
I’ve heard of cases where the victim was grateful for the warning and got out. I’ve heard of cases where the next victim has refused to listen and stayed with the sociopath. And I’ve heard of cases where the victim stayed for awhile, then started to see the bad behavior, remembered the warning, and got out.
I know that since I’ve posted the information about my ex-husband, James Montgomery, online, at least seven women have contacted me to thank me for the warning. They Googled his name, found Lovefraud, and dumped him. I don’t know how many may have dumped him without telling me. This makes me feel good.
However, James Montgomery is on the other side of the world. I’ve had a chance to recover and move on. He can’t damage me.
So if you feel like you need to warn others, remember this: Your first obligation is to yourself. Do what you must do for your own recovery. If you can assist others without hurting yourself, that is icing on the cake.
Learn more: Beyond Betrayal – How to recover from the trauma
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Sept. 27, 2010.
A cult of two – you and the sociopath
Also I can relate to Oxy not really being honest with herself,re her non spath son,-he is not a spath but a liar, and a weak person who stood by and allowed her Ps on and the TH spath to plot and plan Oxys downfall and didnt even warn her. Sure he didnt actively set out to harm her, but,the sins of ommission ‘ applies to him.
Ive been just as blind re my SIL, I thought he was the greatest,a good Dad,{and he is, within his limits}. I kidded myself that he loved Dave and I, that he would continue the visits to us with the 3 kids,that he would keep up contact.Well, it hasnt happened. I was so crushed last Xmas and N ,Year, he promised to bring the kids over to see us, it didnt happen, even tho he and GF were renting a holiday cottage only about 20 minutes from where we live, and he had to drive past our house to get to it!Didnt even ring up to wish us a Happy new Year!I had a kitchen full of Xmas food and goodies, plus all the presents, which I ended up having to post,{and it was expensive to do that ,as some of them were bulky and heavy.} Never did get even a thank you phone call from the kids, I had to ring them to ask if theyd arrived! Same on their Birthdays!
This year we’ll be in New Zealand from the 22nd Dec to 4th Jan .2011, THANK GOD Im off the hook re food and gifts, and NO Im NOT planning to post any gifts or even store cards this year! Ive been a sucker for too long!!
So, SIL is NOT the knight in shining armour I thought he was, –Oh well! Another illusion bites the dust!Thanks “Queen”!!Love, Mama Gem.XX
If men who cheat on the internet are considered Sociopaths, this world is doomed! I posted a bogus profile on several dating AND sex sites, without my picture. I did this to show my friend Lisa how rampant cheating on the internet is. I posted as single female who didn’t really want a boyfriend and didn’t want to get married. I got no less than 200 emails within a few days from guys who had no problem telling me they are married and would be willing to travel to have sex with me. Nice, huh? …..without even knowing what I look like! I live in S. Florida and these emails came from men within a 3 county area.
So….are all these men considered Socio’s? I was married 3 times and they all cheated. I had numerous boyfriends who stepped out on me. Frankly, I find it quite depressing that men are not smart enough to NOT get caught. I was nice, not sexually inhibited, playful and domesticated. Apparently it does not not matter what I do or don’t do with a man, because it ends up as a cheating game.
My former marriage counselor, who has a Masters in Psychology was the the one to give me the bad news on my last marriage of 15 months. He was a true Socio and I got the hell out. Fortunately, he passed away a little over a month ago and can no longer ruin women’s lives. My counselor gave me a list of the 20 signs of a Socio. and most men I have known have the characteristics of the 1st 5 on the list of 20. Not good news.
Cheryl – have you read ‘the trauma bond’? it’s a good book for getting to the underlying reasons we hook up with spaths. explained a whole lot to a lot of us about why we get connected to these peeps.
all men who cheat on the internet spaths? no, i’d say not. but the % of spaths online is probably higher than the % you would meet in daily life – they are opportunistic and predatory and online is just too good a hunting ground for them to resist.
i have a friend who meets a LOT of guys online. she is married and a sex and romance addict. she doesn’t quite ‘get’ that fact
yet, but i am working on her. i had her send me a number of the male profiles – people who she ‘gave the benefit of the doubt to’, and her own profile also. i ‘read’ them for her – and after my lesson in spathy, i was able to tell her what each person was about and what sort of things they were hiding, if they were married, etc. And I told here she was PREY. online is a whacky world. i wouldn’t have met some of the best people i know in real life if not for online. i wouldn’t have been spathed if not for online. like life – but weirder, seedier, more concentrated and intense, and yet, with amazing potential.
!
Dear Cheryl,
It is not JUST cheating on the internet that makes a person “qualify” as a sociopath, it is only one of the things—basically, a person who has no feelings, empathy or sympathy or caring for others, who does not honor their own word, who is a pathological liar, cheat, sex addict, drug addict, or whatever….the point is that they can’t connect and form appropriate BONDS with other humans.
It is just that the Internet is such a great “fishing hole” for psychopaths of any level to find victims.
Your fake “profile” simply proves the above statement. It gives them the opportunity to CONNECT on line and communicate on line with MORE potential victims or others just like them. Sad, isn’t it?
Hello Everyone, gosh it’s been so long since i’ve posted, i’ve had difficulty as i forgot my password and got away with life etc. but im anxious to catch up with everyone. Ox i see you are still strong and posting. Happy to report i’ve been in the longest no contact phase approx 5 monts or more but im not counting, and that’s for 8 years . I could never get more than a month in. Im still wary as i don’t like to count my chickens before they hatch but i think im doing well. About a month ago i had my sportscar for sale in a free site in the area , not really that serious about selling but just putting the feelers out. I came home from being out of town with friends and i thought something looked diff about the back of my car but i walked past and got busy etc. Then a little later i went out and put top down on covertible and as i walked past the back of the car i noticed a decale glued onto my plate ( the socio’s decale from when he owned a car dealership oh 15years ago and sold for millions) . At first i actually convinced myself that it was n’t hiim that did it, but a friend who is a practical joker. There was a time when that would have been the perfect excuse to run over to his house. It played on my mind for weeks and i did confront his friend(the n has lost 3 major sources of supply including myself this past summer) and the freind got on the defensive so im left with one conclusion. Doesn’t matter who did it , point is i didn’t run over to confront him. He’s going mad as he’s lost so many sources of major supply this past summer. He only has his newest gf who we know is brainwashed at this point feeling so sorry that all his friends are not coming around. They all have diff reasons but essentially the same as mine, he treats everyone like dirt. I still have thoughts of revenge but i don’t act on them and i have alot of distaine for him and even his mother who is sick with dementia and i do feel guilty for those feelings but i know they are normal from reading the posts over the years. Im also still dealing with my grandmothers estate and farm etc. and my brother is now so greedy he’s concocted a new plan to manipulate me but im on to him. Funny i spoke with my ex over these issues last night and he knows the toxic family crap im dealing with. Im also suspecting my brother is more than just alcoholic as he’s so dam manipulative he’s actually managed to find some other sucker to finance him. I’ve got a good lawyer finally and im on guard. It frightens me now how many people are out there with these traits, they seem to be everywhere now that i know. I’d love to beleive my brother cares about me but the verdict is out, his ex wife(my sister in law) and i are close and we both see the exact same thing. We are both afraid of him really. He plays on peoples sympathy , even going to the extent of taking an overdose( i thought it was just alcohol related) and ended up in hospital . He’s lost my Dad, and now he has nobody to suckhole anymore and i don’t think he realized how much my Dad meant to him. My poor Dad dragged to the lawyers 3 days before he died with all the manipulating makes me sick. I found this out through a young guy and his wife, they have no reason to tell me this and they said my brother was out to screw me and manipulated my dad to the end. Im not sure if the alcoholism is masking a disorder with my brother, i just know he’s toxic and i cannot trust him at all. It’s very sad but i have to accept it for what it is. Love kindheart
Kindheart 🙂
oxy – she is not a spath – but she is an addict, and i am def not interested in your opinion about her or my friendship with her.
Dear Kindheart,
CONGRATULATIONS!!! 5 MONTHS is better than 5 days, and if you can do 5 months, you can do 5 decades!!!! Good going!
We all have our ups and downs, Kindheart, but the bottom line is make a little progress each day.
It’s like healing a physical wound that is infected, you have to “drain the abscess” and get the worst of the ROTTEN carp out of your wound, (That’s NC) then each day you have to protect it from RE-INFECTION with either the same or different GERMS! (Keep it NC from the old infection and protected from NEW infections)
Even at some points we may have to amputate any part of the area that is ROTTEN, (our own bad choices and behaviors) and keep on and it will slowly heal.
It isn’t easy and sometimes it is painful, but we have the choice to either do it in a healthy and good way or we can go on being sicker and sicker by this wound.
Ox hows that for a boink up side the head? lmao – gee wiz oh my..