UPDATED FOR 2024: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader who posts as “forever_me.” She asks a very important question: “Should I warn the next victim?” I’ll answer her question after her letter.
Hello. I am looking for some guidance. I was in a romantic relationship with a P for over 2 years, but just broke it off earlier this week. I discovered that he was using an online dating site and was able to access it because I knew the patterns of his passwords. I created a bogus profile on the same website and contacted one of the women he was messaging. She was shocked to hear from me because my P told her he was single and not dating anyone. What was worse was that they had engaged in unprotected sex a few days before my P and I had unprotected sex. We agreed to meet each other to discuss the details of our relationships with this man. She had been dating him for just over a month.
After my conversation with this woman, I wanted answers from my P, although at this time I didn’t realize that was what he was. I was persistent in my confrontation with him, which took 3 hours of dealing with blatant lie after lie. He initially denied dating anyone else or knowing about the dating site, then claimed he was letting a friend use his identity to cheat on a fiance, then finally admitted he did go on a few dates with the woman I had contacted through the site. However, he swore that he’d never had sex with her or anyone else since we’d been together. In fact, the woman I met was actually stalking him and trying to turn me against him since he rejected her. I eventually walked out the door when he told me he was sorry, not for his actions, but because I was under the misunderstanding we were a couple instead of just friends with benefits. lt is worth noting that during the course of our dialogue, he casually picked up the newspaper to read it and briefly watched the local news as if we were just having a typical evening together.
I was so bewildered by his lies and behavior after I left that I began searching the internet and stumbled upon this blog. Reading the many entries made me realize that I had been involved with a P. All the little red flags added up and I’m coming to terms with the truth. This site has expedited my healing and I thank everyone involved for that!
Now my conscience is wondering if I should continue to warn other women about him? He changed his password but I have once again figured it out. The woman I contacted before was glad I did. I don’t plan to meet any of these women going forward, but just send them a note of concern under cover to let them know what to watch for if they decide to date him. I know I can’t do this forever since he could change his password again or switch dating sites, and I need to move on with my life as well. The advice I’ve read here says I should just walk away since I have no financial, legal, or career ties to him. Several women are currently corresponding with him. Since he’s independently wealthy, handsome, and charming, they’ll be hooked soon enough. Should I just let it go or contact these women knowing I’ll save a few of them from the pain he’ll surely inflict?
Should she try to warn the next victim, or shouldn’t she? This has been the topic of much debate here on Lovefraud. I wrote about this topic in a blog post back in 2007. But it’s an important issue, so let’s discuss it again.
Factors to consider
If you’re considering warning others about the sociopath, here are factors to consider:
1. Can you warn someone safely?
The first thing to consider, of course, is your physical safety. If the sociopath you were involved with has a history of violence, even if the violence was never directed towards you, I would urge caution.
But safety involves more than worries about violence. Consider also your legal and financial status. If you are in the midst of a divorce or custody battle with your ex, you do not want to do anything that will jeopardize your case, your job, or anything else that he may be able to damage through accusations.
No matter how badly you may feel for the next target, you must put yourself first.
2. What is your emotional state?
Relationships with sociopaths inflict emotional and psychological damage on us. The best way to recover from the damage is to have no contact with the sociopath.
Tracking a sociopath’s actions is sometimes gratifying, however, because we feel like we’re no longer being conned. We see through the mask. We know what he or she is up to. In a way, it’s a boost to our trampled self-esteem to be on to the con. And yes, we probably have to admit to wanting a taste of revenge by ruining the sociopath’s game.
But even if we’re not talking to the sociopath, or sending e-mail, we have to remember that keeping tabs, and warning others, is a form of contact. As we say here on Lovefraud, the predator is still renting space in our brains.
So, before you do it, think about where you are in your recovery. Can you do this and continue to heal?
3. Will the victim’s reaction affect you?
We know how good the sociopaths are, because we were hooked. Think of how the sociopath described his or her prior involvements to you. Did he say his ex-wives were mentally disturbed? Did she say her ex-husband was a stalker? Well, that’s what is now being said about you.
The sociopath is already running a smear campaign to discredit anything that you may say. At the same time, the sociopath is love bombing the new victim. He or she is primed to disbelieve you.
If the new victim blows you off, can you just walk away?
My view
In my personal opinion, if you can warn the next victim without jeopardizing your own safety and recovery, I think you should at least try.
I’ve heard of cases where the victim was grateful for the warning and got out. I’ve heard of cases where the next victim has refused to listen and stayed with the sociopath. And I’ve heard of cases where the victim stayed for awhile, then started to see the bad behavior, remembered the warning, and got out.
I know that since I’ve posted the information about my ex-husband, James Montgomery, online, at least seven women have contacted me to thank me for the warning. They Googled his name, found Lovefraud, and dumped him. I don’t know how many may have dumped him without telling me. This makes me feel good.
However, James Montgomery is on the other side of the world. I’ve had a chance to recover and move on. He can’t damage me.
So if you feel like you need to warn others, remember this: Your first obligation is to yourself. Do what you must do for your own recovery. If you can assist others without hurting yourself, that is icing on the cake.
Learn more: Beyond Betrayal – How to recover from the trauma
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Sept. 27, 2010.
A cult of two – you and the sociopath
Dear KH,
Nah, darling it isn’t you, it is just some troll who came here, Donna knocked of its other post, so this one won’t lost long I am sure. These things float by every once in a while like a turd in a rain gutter, just bobbing along stinking up the environment as they pass on by. Don’t pay any attention to anything on here that is offensive. I’m not sure if you have been here since the “Report abusive comment” button was added, and in the meantime, for the most part we just ignore them like you would ignore a “potted plant” in a hotel lobby, you don’t stop to talk to it, or care what it “thinks” (if potted plants think, I don’t think they do) LOL you just amble on by and not give it a second thought.
We sure don’t argue with them, it’s like arguing with the psychopath, no way to get reason into their minds. Their mind is made up, don’t confuse them with facts!
My weed eater broke when I was outside a while ago, wonder if that’s some sort of sign? LOL
Thanks guys, i have a funny story for al lof you. My s who had only the best in taste in everything from A to Z. He’s also highly OCD if you remember. Well a few years back he decided to do a little landscaping which included mounds of small rocks(sorry they are too big to be stones) all over his property as he got a little carried away. I still rem him standing there wanting my opinion ( he coudn’t admit i had better taste in everything bu t him) . He also has mounds of rocks at all his rentals (he has friends renting to hold over them) and new gf ( he holds mortgage on her house) . I remember thinking you idiot it looks like the Flintstones have arrived all over town, that’s what i would tell him now. Moron spent thousands of dollars on rocks instead of nice colored gravel and thinks it looks wonderful. I took a couple months ago before the n/c for my neice and nephew to paint and he got ticked. I heard that the gf takes them from his place thinking it’s funny to hers, someday she will clue in. Anyway i think it’s pretty hilarious and so appropo. Before the no contact i was at his friends house upstairs and he had no idea i was there and he pulled in and walked to the backyard and then put something in his truck in a recylcing bin. I yelled out from the upstairs (pointing out that window is crooked , to drive him nuts) and he looked so sheepish. Ha ha idiot was moving rocks from his rental to his own home, too many there he felt. His friend was laughing his arse off at what i said and i didn’t even really know what i was saying. I made him look like the fool that he is. I had visions many times of throwing them at him but he’s not worth me bending over. Have a great night everyone. love kindheart
hi everyone. I want to warn women out there about the sociopath that ruined my life. Am I wrong? Rev. Kenneth Mitchem (NJ) ruined a year of my life by whooing me and making me think we were in a serious relationship and he was honest man. He visited me all the time and we spent so much time together. I didn’t know he was marrying his wife until I saw it on the internet. 😮 I feel so stupid for believing him although there were obvious signs. I think his wife knows too because I heard she left him. I want to tell others because the poain i went through last year was so difficult. I thought I’d lose it because he owed me money almost five thousand dollars and made me look bad because I wanted to be paid back what he owed me. 2 other people i know went through it too. He thinks the world revolves around him and everyone else should bow down. I want my money back!!! Warning: If a man has two jobs and he still needs to borrow from you he just might be a sociopath that wont keep his word ever
hurtinglady3 – I hear your rage and pain, and I welcome you to lovefraud.
Donna, the blog moderator has a policy of posters not naming their spaths. I have broken that myself at times by posting news articles about the spath. However, Donna does write profiles sometimes, so please write her privately and give her the details. She is a journalist, so she has to be able to fact check before she can write a profile. it may not be possible in your case, but please write her: donna@LoveFraud.com
there are other people here who have been conned by a church elders and clergy, so please know you are not alone. the radio show Aftermath Radio (about pyschopathy) also has a podcast on abuse by clergy.
There are other sites where you can name him; ‘don’t date him girl’ comes to mind.
there is lots of support here. so read read read, and post!
One joy: Wow, you can post names on a site? I definitely want to be on that site. How does it work? Is it like LF?
farwronged: i don’t know much about it; but you can check it out.
http://www.dontdatehimgirl.com/home/
edited to add: outing a spath can have repercussions, please write and read here for a bit to make sure you have an idea of the risk you are taking.
oh, and everyone they have an short but good list up: ’10 Signs Your Online Romance is Really an Online Predator’ link is on their home page.
Please allow me to speak on the subject ( exposing to the newbies). I tried this and it does not work. The spath will explain that you are crazy and still in love with him trying to sabotage his new relationship. He did the same thing to another ex whom he was still communicating with sending dirty pics and texts to. I found her and contacted her and she knew nothing of me. Even with the proof ( she sent me all the pic msgs of him and his DICK) That mofo still lied, and insisted she was only trying to break us up! Also, come to find out, the newbie I thought I was informing over a text was really him. He is nuts! A day later he sends me threatening emails wishing me death for outing him to his new girl which was REALLY him on the other end. I would say NO. Do not try because they will just run your name futher into the ground. Just pray for her, you live and you learn. Just as we had to. I am not opposed to simply suggesting them to read up on spaths. If she is smart enough maybe she will GET it and get out!
farwronged: i tried to edit my note to you, but i can’t…what i wanted to say was to always assess the benefits and risk of ‘outing’ a spath. I think the best way to do that is to talk to people here to find out what the repercussions have been for those of us here, and figure out if there is a ‘safe’ way to do it.
What happened when you tried to help the next dupe, is a case in point.
best, one joy
this is weird – i have tried to edit my above post and post a new one and neither worked.
i wanted to caution people about outing spaths, online or elsewhere. read and write here and assess the risks and benefits , as there are repercussions.