Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader whom we’ll call “Shoni.”
I am just starting to believe my husband of 12 yrs may be a sociopath.
I had the house, the car, the job when we met. He was new to the area going through a divorce from his Canadian wife.
He was intelligent, charming, attentive, talkative, fun. Seemingly enjoyed church and a relationship with God. Never missed a Sunday.
Now he calls himself a prophet.
He reported my stepsister to the Fraud dept of IRS hoping to collect 10% recovery fee. He said God told him to do it.
It puzzled me why he didn’t have a good work ethic.
He took over my stock portfolio, belittling my stock choices. He made terrible choices, I lost a lot of money.
He chatted on line with women while I was at work. Totally denied it.
Smoked pot, sat in the jacuzzi for hours exciting himself.
We almost split several time and things would get better.
Sex with him was rarely making love. It was more like porn, which he hid from me.
We appeared as a normal couple but I often felt a lot of pain.
He doesn’t have normal filters, says inappropriate things, and uses constant humor. Constantly wants us to laugh at his jokes, take his picture. A conversation feels like a take over, he gets upset if he thinks I’m interrupting him. He prides himself with being highly intelligent.
I had given him a life estate on my inherited home and 1/2 of my life insurance policy.
I think that’s the only reason he tolerated my constant corrections. He would become angry when I insisted he work.
He belittled my daughter, now 26. She is confident beautiful and smart, kind. He would constantly find fault. She would catch him doing things, leaving for hours and he would say, “Don’t tell your mother, it would only hurt her.” Watching porn or just lying around all day.
A couple weeks ago my husband was caught planning a trip to Vegas to meet a woman from his past. He suggested I go to see my son in Oregon on my vacation coming up. He flirted and used video chat making contact everyday for a week.
He denied it was anything but trash talk, blamed my daughter and her husband, finally when he couldn’t wiggle out of it because I took snap shots of the conversation he said he didn’t know that was a rule not to trash talk with his friend, but now he knows so he won’t do it anymore.
I have moved to the living room waiting for him to get a check after closing escrow on a house he sold. I told him he had to get a room or hotel once his check comes in.
We are in counseling but his objective is to fix me, get the counselor to tell me to forgive him. He doesn’t seem sincere in his apology for hurting me.
As I see it I cannot build a financial future with this man, an intimate relationship, a trusting relationship. I feel bankrupt. My daughter does not want him in her life and I fear a lonely future if I stay with him.
We have all had good times together, his adult children and mine formed a blended family.
I hear bits and pieces about his past marriage, cheated on his wife. Didn’t work last three years of marriage. Lots of fighting. His kids love him and he seemingly loves his kids, confusing.
I told him I want a minimum of 3 months separation with counseling and go from there. I also am insisting he pass the smell test with my daughter and her husband and close minister friends aware of the situation. I don’t want to be manipulated or fooled by his words.
Thank you for allowing me to write to you and providing this platform.
7 reasons why regular people enable sociopaths
“Shoni, so glad that you had the courage & strength to write Donna (Lovefraud) a letter. I’m sorry that you are going thru this hell right now. You see the truth but like all of us it’s hard to believe the truth even though we live(d) it daily.
Whether he “is” or “is not” a sociopath, his behavior is abusive towards you & your daughter. Belittling someone is a form of abuse = verbal, emotional & mental abuse. Cheating is emotional & mental abuse.
Did you know his behavior is abusive?
Right there is a reason to end a marriage. As they say “what you see is what you get’. I know first hand that these types do not change EVER. I was marriage to a abusive man aka a sociopath for 12 years. This man you are married did this same behavior to his first wife that he is doing to you.
Do you recognize his pattern of behavior with you & his ex wife?
Someone once wrote here at lovefruad being with a sociopaths like a “frog being placed in a pot of water then placed on a hot stove. The water slowly heats up but the frog has no idea what is happening”.
You right now are verbally, emotionally & mentally being abused by this man. It was a slow heating up of this abuse. If a abuser started out abusing everyone would run from him. So he pretends to be a nice guy to date…then once you are emotionally hooked into his con game he drops his mask & his true behavior is there to see but we victims have no idea that we are in a con game (just like the frog did not know the water was going to get boiling hot).
Your husbands behavior I bet if you talked with his ex wife is the same exact con game from day one. Same courting behavior & same behavior now.
My advise to you is to get all your ducks in a row NOW. And GET OUT!!
Starting with finding a individual counselor for YOU only!! YES!! Go to counseling with a very knowledgeable counselor who understand sociopathic abuse. Love fraud here has a list & you can also contact your local abuse center & ask them for an outside counselor.
Marriage counseling with a sociopath is a WASTE of time & the sociopath will use what they are taught in counseling to further break down their vicim. In this case your husband will use what he learns from the counselor to further destroy you to have complete control over you so that he can continue to live his cheating, porn & lying life.
DO YOU KNOW YOU DESERVE BETTER THEN WHAT YOU ARE SETTLING FOR RIGHT NOW?
You do!!
I was in the same spot that you are right now = trying desperately to save my marriage. Trying to Fix everything! But the reality is, with a sociopath the only thing you can do is SAVE YOURSELF by escaping this marriage = divorcing a sociopath & following the “no contact rule”.
I know this option is scary. If your husband is a possible sociopath you have been broken down & are emotionally, mentally & physically exhausted from his daily chaotic chaos. When you feel this way it is hard to even get going in the day let along have the strength to think clearly to see the truth = that he is never going to change into the man that you need & deserve. I felt this way too…to exhausted to escape.
Looking back on my attempt to “save our marriage”…I read books, blamed myself for his cheating, etc etc. But the reality was I allowed him to belittle me, I allowed myself to stay “stuck” in the marriage, I allowed myself to believe his belittling lying words to erode my self esteem. I allowed myself to believe that he loved me…when in fact he is incapable of love.
Like you in your post I tried to make the marriage work. I see in your post that you state:
“I told him I want a minimum of 3 months separation with counseling and go from there”
If this was a friend living this nightmare…what would you tell her? Would you tell her to go to counseling with him? or would you tell her to RUN LIKE HELL AWAY FROM THIS EVIL MAN??
I know it’s scary to think about being alone in this world by getting a divorce. But I can tell you the best thing I ever did for myself was to get my ex husband a sociopath out of my life for good!! There are ZERO regrets in doing so. It’s not easy emotionally to cut them out. But it’s truly the best for you.
I would suggest from my own experience a few things:
1) Contact your local abuse center & go to free counseling and free women group meetings.
2) Find a good divorce lawyer who understand abuse. Not all understand this.
3) Find a good estate planning lawyer and more you home/assets into a “Trust” with out your husbands name or the Trust. OR what ever the estate lawyer suggest so that you walk away with your assets in a divorce. DO THIS without your husband knowing. BITE your tongue every time you want to throw it in his face. Bite your tongue. And also change your will & take him off of you Will. DONT TELL HIM you are doing this!!!
4) Open up to your most trusted family & friends about what is REALLY going on in your marriage. There is no shame…you are a good person trying to do the right thing while living a nightmare. Remember a abuser wants to isolate their victims from their friends & family to have complete control over them. DONT let him do this to you. Tell your friends & family without him knowing for your safety.
Have them look at this site too. And ask them what they really think about your husband….and listen to their words very closely. They will tell you the truth, you just have to be willing to hear their words fully!!
5) Set up a Safety Plan & Exit Plan out of your abusive marriage.
This you can do with the help of your local & countries national abuse centers. In the USA the number for the National Domestic abuse hotline is 800-799-SAFE.
6) READ, READ, READ everything you can on sociopath abuse & read what victims have to say. The similarities with your story is like most = porn addicted, cheating & verbally abusive. My ex was the same!!! Watch Donna’s videos up at the top of Lovefraud.
7) Look at sites like One moms battle (she divorced a narcissist) she also has a excellent Facebook page with the same name. This site is for victims dealing with sociopaths & narcissists during a divorce & child custody.
If you chose to chat on their fb page I would highly recommend that you open a fake email & fake facecbook page to chat without your husband, his friends or family seeing what you are chatting about. You can do a search here on Lovefruad to see the interview from the site creator of One moms battle & Donna here at lovefruad.
Be prepared for a major war in divorce court from this evil man.
If you can go to the court house where he got his last divorce & get his divorce papers to you can see who he fought his ex for their assets. And then you will have an idea of how he is going to fight you.
8) GO TO INDIVIDUAL counseling NOT marriage counseling!!! Marriage counseling with a sociopath or anyone that has a personality disorder is a waste of money & time!! The sociopath will twist everything around in counseling to make you the “bad guy” they know how to manipulate EVERYONE including a uneducated counselor.
Just know he is not going to go to counseling by himself. Sociopaths rarely go to individual counseling. One because they dont want to be exposed & two because they usually dont think they are the problem.
9) Go to your country’s National Domestic Violence Hotline website and read everything. And start seeing your marriage as a domestic abusive marriage.
10) be sure to clear your computer history everything you use your computer. If you can it’s best to use a trusted family or friends or library computer.
11) Go to a endocrinologist doctor and get tested for cortisol levels, hormonal imbalance, vitamin deficiency etc. Most victims of a sociopath or abuser (which most abuser have personality disorders) have PTSD. One of the biggest issue of PTSD is adrenal fatigue (google symptoms). Adrenal fatigue creates anxiety, depression, panic attacks, mood swings, brain fog…and all this prevents you from also thinking clearly & escaping this abusers. Look at sites like Drlam. com & Adrenal Fatigue. org for symptom list to see if you are surfing from this. Toxic relationship you will see is a root cause of adrenal fatigue.
Do you know that you are in a abusive marriage?
Do you know that belittling someone is abuse?
Do you know that cheating on someone is abuse?
Do you know that manipulation is abuse?
Wishing you all the best. Keep posting here, vent & ask question it really does help to see the truth.
HUGS TO YOU!! ?WE HEAR YOU,? WE BELIEVE YOU?…WE ARE HEAR FOR YOU!! ?
He sounds like a classic psychopath/sociopath. Consider that there may be more things he has done and/or is doing things you aren’t aware of. Consider taking everything he says with a grain of salt, unless you can corroborate the information from a reliable source. A person with the behaviors you describe tends to lie.
Most of us here on this site have learned through experience that sociopaths do not change. It sounds like you have come to this conclusion in your situation. The best thing you can do for yourself and for your recovery from his exploitation and abuse is to have no contact with him to the extent possible. You will heal sooner and have greater clarity if you minimize contact. https://lovefraud.com/are-you-a-target/leaving-a-sociopath/no-contact/
This: ‘We are in counseling but his objective is to fix me, get the counselor to tell me to forgive him. He doesn’t seem sincere in his apology for hurting me’.
Big fat red flags here…you need fixing…you are the one who needs counseling so that you can be made to forgive him his transgressions…he does not seem sincere in his apology for hurting you…
What a load of crap he feeds.
He is classically disordered. Just get out now. Being alone and happy far outweighs being attached to someone who cannot love, and being lost and sad.
And mark my words…you will be happy when you finally decide to really SEE and leave this idiot.
I apologize for sounding so harsh.
I get angry that these types mess with our heads the way that they do and think that we are stupid and that they can get away with that.
Shoni,
He sure sounds like he has a personality disorder, and is manipulative and deceitful. The fact that he could keep you for 12 years also speaks to this, in light of his current behavior. People don’t go from being decent, kind, and loving, to manipulative liars in the course of 12 years. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde transformations are clear red flags of a personality disorder. They are indications that the disordered person was ‘playing’ husband really well, until even the rewards for doing so just could not combat the boredom.
He may have stayed in the marriage for the social and financial benefits you provided, but couldn’t keep up the facade in the face of his disordered compulsions. Power and control are extremely appealing to these sorts, and they will seek the feelings of both in lots of different ways.
Just like the serial killer who has a family and children, your husband wants his secret life, and to have the security and appearance of normalcy you provide him. If he were to openly announce his behaviors, intentions, and needs 99.9999% of people would either immediately, or gradually, shun him.
Therapy is a complete and total waste with someone like him. He will likely have the therapist eating out of his hand, and you will eventually be labeled as the problem that they both focus on. I went through this, and it was just insult to injury.
He is grandiose, a liar, manipulative, callous to your feelings, contemptuous, and selfish. Those things equal malignant narcissism. No cure for that. Unfortunately.
Getting out, cutting off all contact, and taking total control of your life (finances, home, job, etc) is the best advice. It will provide you the greatest opportunity to recover from his betrayal, and avoid any further betrayal.
And don’t share your next move with him unless you want him to sabotage all your efforts to take back your own life.
Slim
I so agree with everything you post here, Slim.