
There is no such thing as an amicable divorce with a sociopath. They try to ruin you financially. They smear you to everyone who knows you. This is what a Lovefraud reader experienced. So she sent me an email and asked, “Why is my ex driving slowly by my house?”
Here’s the full email, from the reader whom we’ll call Cecilia25:
I had emailed you about a year and a half ago. I explained to you that my husband had a Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde personality. He would disappear for hours sometimes days and would not answer calls or texts. He gave me the silent treatment and was a pathological liar. He had beaten down my self esteem.
You told me that was typical sociopathic behavior. You told me a divorce would be ugly but worth it. You were 100 correct on that. My ex-husband did everything he could to drag out the divorce. He would miss court deadlines for paperwork, refuse to answer any questions, misplace paperwork. He finally signed the divorce paper 2 days before my birthday. This was after I was pretty much drained financially from attorney fees.
At that time, he told everyone he had a girlfriend and that I was a horrible person and he is a good person. He spread horrible lies about me to friends and family. With that being said: Our divorce was final 7 months ago. We have no children together. Two times in the past week I have saw him slowly drive by my house, looking directly at my house. Where I live is off the beaten path. No one drives through this area unless: They have family they are visiting. There are no businesses back here.
Read more: After the breakup, do sociopaths return?
He did not see me. It was just by chance I glanced out the window and saw him. This is a public street so he has the right to drive by. He did not yell or throw anything. I just find it odd that he would drive by; I was a horrible person according to him. It seems he should be happy the divorce is over.
My only question is: What would be his reason to drive by? Or is it just being nosy? Am I scared? Not at all.
Thank you Donna, your explanation to me on my first email helped me more than you know.
Donna Andersen replies
Hello Cecilia25,
It’s always difficult to say exactly why a sociopath does something, because their motivations make no sense to the rest of us. One thing to keep in mind is that they consider their partners to be their “property,” even after divorce. So by driving slowly by your house after divorce, he could be checking up on his “property.”
Another possibility may be that the girlfriend dumped him, and he doesn’t have another source of “supply,” so he’s thinking about using you again. This may seem shocking, given how much he berated and criticized you, but it is a possibility.
The way your ex talked about you is normal for sociopaths. Nothing is ever their fault, so of course, you are the evil one who caused the divorce. You probably cheated and stole from him as well, according to his stories. They want to present themselves as the victim
I recommend that you do not interact with him at all. However, if it appears that he’s stalking you, maybe you should get a camera surveillance system for your house so you can have a record if you need it.
At the very least, you should keep a record of the incidents — the dates and times you saw him drive by. If this becomes a problem and you feel threatened, you’ll need specifics in order to file a police report or get a restraining order. But only take those steps as a last resort. It’s best to just ignore him if you can.
Learn more: How to report your abuser’s crimes so the police take you seriously
Yes I went through all the same problems. This is typical for sociopaths. This is “normal” in Sociopath World.
My recommendation is to call police and report it. Tell them you feel concerned and intimidated.
Police will not do anything at first but you are creating a record that makes it easier for police to do something if this keeps happening or if something else happens.
Just call police and report it.
This is classic behaviour, I too think he might have been dumped and is looking for a new source. My ex tried to do this to me but has now gone back to the lady who took over from me. His ex wife finally died and she probably thinks they’re in with a chance but I know that her house is way more comfortable than his and he needs somewhere nice to live. He tried very hard to reconnect with me about 30 months ago when he retired but I wasn’t going to let him anywhere near me.
I also advise logging sightings and getting a security camera if that’s viable. Certainly don’t speak or connect with him in any way, don’t take the risk, it’s early days and he might be encouraged by your interactions.
My ex did this as well. We were never married, thankfully! He also did the silent treatments and frequently just disappeared or discarded me only to come back a few days or a week later. During one of these separations, (and not only did we not even live together but he lived in another city) I had a girlfriend from high school that moved to another state who came back to visit her mother who had been pretty ill. She did an overnight visit with me and was using her mother’s car which was parked in my driveway. I started getting texts from my ex who was blasting me about being with “some guy” already and commented about “his” car parked in my driveway. That’s when I knew he had to have driven by my house. I’m sure he was expecting to just show up at my door and weasel his way back in but was caught by surprise seeing the strange car. Of course, he wasn’t bold enough to actually come to door and confront me. He only would do so if he knew he could control the outcome.
About 17 months after our final separation, which he married someone else 8 weeks after our breakup and moved across the country, I get a text from him out of the blue. I had deleted his contact from my phone so wasn’t sure at first who it was. My daughter still had his contact and confirmed it was him. My quick reply to the text was, “Who is this?” Then I figured out who it was. His answer back was something like, “You don’t want to know.” I knew then not to take the bait so I said, “Then don’t message me.” 45 minutes later I get another text saying, “I’m so sorry (my name). This was meant for another (my name)” My first thought was, “who the hell is this really” because the words “I’m sorry” were never used by my ex, and, “does your wife know you’re texting other women for dates?” But I absolutely was not going to engage in his games. To this day I’m not sure if he was trying to bait me back into his stupid web of deceit or if his wife got a hold of his phone and wanted to see if he and I were still in contact.
I later found out that his marriage wasn’t going so well, not a surprise, and he made statements about how he may have screwed up by leaving me. I have never heard from him again. That was over 7 years ago.
Before he and I began dating, his previous girlfriend broke up with him and moved half way across the country for a new start. He decided he wanted her back so he booked a flight and showed up at her door unannounced. She promptly turned him away and he called his ride to the airport and asked for pick up 24 hours after the drop off.
Like Donna said, it’s all about control and having a back up. They need to make sure YOU aren’t ending it, they are, and they have some fantasy that you’ll always be in love with them and take them back they minute they snap their fingers. Stay strong and keep moving forward! Life is MUCH better without these a-holes!
Btw this made me realize I am recovering and have come so far because my divorce was a decade ago and back then I did not dare contact police to report all the abuse and harassment and intimidation.
And I just realized that if he were to come back now and found me and drove by my new house in my new city I would call police immediately without hesitation to report it. This made me realize I have come a long way emotionally.
In fact sometimes I even hope that he comes back to try to abuse and harass and intimidate me just so I would have a reason to call police on him so I could redeem my younger afraid self. Back then I had nobody to protect me and was not capable of protecting myself. I would like a second chance, a do-over now that I am strong enough to protect myself by calling police.