Lovefraud recently received the following letter from a reader whom we’ll call “Cassandra.” My reply follows the letter.
I don’t even know where to begin but I’ll try and make it short. Won’t be sweet though.
I am a long time advocate of Lovefraud. I was a victim of a psychopath over 7 years ago. I was with him for 5 years, we had a house together, dogs, like a married couple. Finally a girl confronted me and told me he was living a double life, as well as having sex with both men and women. And I was not shocked. Just angry at myself for not facing the truth for so long. I ended the relationship. He tried to get me back. I got a restraining order. To this day he still tries to email and call me every few months. I’ve accepted that I will have to deal with that for the rest of my life.
Fast forward to now. It has been 3 years since I have even considered dating, or even touching a man. I am a brilliant career woman. I am successful, make decent money ”¦ and live totally alone. I am scared of men, afraid to date, but am getting tired of not having any male companionship. So, for the first time in 3 years since I was with the psychopath, I went out on a date. First time.
It was an incredible date. Gorgeous guy, even though he looked like a computer nerd. Glasses, Jewish, intellectual, shy, artistic and unfortunately the kind of man I crave. Incredible connection, incredible sex, and I was the one in fact telling him that we needed to take this slower. Except ”¦ he knew exactly what to do. Constant texts, wanting to see me immediately the next day, insisting that he wanted a relationship with me and then changing his tune an hour later saying he wasn’t sure, etc.
At first, I was disgusted and knew I didn’t need any of this crap. I called him on the bluff and told him let’s just back off. 24 hours later, I was the one wondering what he was doing and where he was. He would say “I’m going to see you this afternoon,” and then he wouldn’t show. I would get a text at 10 pm saying his brother was in the hospital and perhaps I am available “tomorrow?” I would fret and stress, wondering if my own paranoia was keeping me trusting this individual, and that this certainly couldn’t happen to me two times in a row that I would date a psychopath. So I gave him the benefit of the doubt and said sure. The next day he did not show. He texted again saying something came up but he’d love to see me that night. With false hope, I agreed but didn’t bet on it.
That night, I was more anxious and worried than ever before. I sat there on my couch, the house all cleaned, the fire going, a perfect romantic atmosphere. I sat there, and 9 pm came and went. I called and texted “Are you on your way?” No response. At 10 pm I turned off the music, the lights, and found myself just staring at the fireplace. I was in what I call a shock of realization.
I turned off the lights, went to bed, lay there until 2 am. At some point I just broke and cried.
Donna, I wasn’t even looking for this. I was not even looking for someone to suddenly “love” me. I just wanted to meet someone who would appreciate who I was on the inside, without being impressed by my career. I just wanted a night just one night of being with a man and having good conversation, good talk, and affection. And that one person that I reached out to after years and years of not dating due to being with a psychopath ”¦ turned out to be another one.
I woke up this morning with my eyes hurting from crying and just drained, as if I have been up for weeks without any sleep. I got up, did coffee, lay on the couch and suddenly broke down and sobbed again. And I can’t help but sob to myself, even though I know I shouldn’t ”¦ that “I’m so stupid.” I am so stupid. I am so stupid. I absolutely hate myself right now, and I hate that I am talented. I hate that I am successful. I hate that I am pretty. I hate that I am a target. I hate that I can’t relate to anyone with the lonely road I take with work. I hate that I am not understood. And most especially, I hate that a psychopath got me the minute I snuck out of my hole after three years.
Now I’m back in the hole. Feeling stupid. Feeling more alone than before. And more hopeless than before. And that I gave all my built up talent and energy to a stranger that got drunk off it, and is doing god knows what with it right now to someone else.
I hope to get over this again as well, but I can’t stop crying and I can’t stop staring at the floor and just whispering, I’m so stupid.
Am I destined to be alone? Working career woman, never being appreciated for who she is on the inside and only being admired on the outside? That means nothing to me. And the minute that I show my true self ”¦ it’s a psychopath that eats it up. Why am I here on this planet if this is always going to be the case?
Dear Cassandra,
I am so very sorry that, on the very first time you looked for companionship again, you ran into another psychopath. It is so painful. I know exactly how you feel, because I’ve been there, or at least someplace similar. It really hurts.
You demand of yourself, the universe or whatever higher power you believe in, “Why me? What did I do wrong? Why did this happen again? How long will this go on? Haven’t I paid enough? Am I destined to remain alone and unloved for the rest of my life? Why can’t I catch a break? When will it be over?
I’d like to offer a different perspective of your most recent experience: I think you’re making progress.
Here is what has happened: You were ready to take the next step in your healing. And that step was to access, and excavate, the residual pain still buried within you from your first psychopathic ex. Or, perhaps there was an incident of betrayal the even predates that first relationship maybe something from your family of origin, or a relationship from your youth. Whatever it was, you were still walking around with negative energy within you, and it was time for the energy to come out.
The universe has a funny way of helping us release our pain: It gives us more pain. It presents us with an opportunity to get our hopes up, believe magic will come, and then it all comes crashing down. With that, the thin dam that was holding back the residual pain bursts, and all we can do is cry.
That’s exactly what you did. You broke down and sobbed.
If you were to look at this incident from a “rational” standpoint, you’d wonder why you reacted so badly. After all, you didn’t spend much time with the guy. He was a jerk pretty much from the beginning, so it’s not like you had a lot invested.
So why did it hurt so badly? Because of all your old pain, the disappointment from the past that you’re still carrying around. Because you so wanted a change.
Here’s my advice: Roll with it. Allow yourself to feel the pain, disappointment and betrayal. Honor the experience. You’re cleaning out the old wounds—and once you do, you’ll be in a much better place to attract a new relationship.
As the negative emotions dissipate, replace them with joy. Notice joy wherever you can perhaps in a lovely view, the affection of a pet, a checkout clerk who’s nice to you. Then, feel gratitude for the moment of joy.
Eventually, if you keep going, the balance will shift. You’ll feel less pain and more joy. And then you’ll be ready for a wonderful new relationship.
I promise you, this is not a setback. It is a step in your healing.
Hilary, I think that Skylar is on to something. If you meet with this girl she may already be so love bombed she may not listen, but I bet her parents would listen, so I’d meet with them both. At the same time if possible.
Do it calmly, take any documents you have to prove what you say, and name names of past women or others that he has conned.
It might help, it might not, but at least when his maskk starts to slip they may get out quicker.
The thing is though, you can’t go around spending your life trying to keep every person in the world safe from this man. YOU also need a life separate and apart from him. Apart from even thinking about him. God blesss.
OxD, you’re spot-on with Skylar. Would any of us have altered our courses if someone had approached us with facts (not feelings) about the spaths in our own lives?
Seriously. I would love to warn the new target about the predatory exspath, but she’s “in love” with the illusion that he’s created and she isn’t going to WANT to hear the truths because nobody that she loves could ever be “THAT bad.” She’s going to go down a similar path of destruction because she’s a human being that wants to believe in the best of humanity, and nothing that I could present, say, document, or “prove” would cause her to accept the facts over the feelings that she has.
Yep – a life separate from the exspath is a personal imperative for me.
Brightest blessings
As a strict aside with regard to the notion of “warning” someone about what we’ve experienced: early on, my own mother hired a private detective to have the second exspath investigated. She paid to run a background check on him, as well. Guess what? No blemishes on HIS record, and this goes to demonstrate that some of these illusions are so well-crafted that they slither under the radar of seasoned investigators.
Sheeeeyit, I would NEVER have continued with the exspath if I had known what he really was before we even met. Having typed that, if some woman had contacted me to tell me that the exspath was addicted to a violently sexual deviant lifestyle and was living a double-life, I probably would have scoffed and continued living in denial. And, at the time of the background check, the exspath was still too young to have developed his financial issues, though there were “tells” about his irresponsibilities, early on. Denial, denial, denial……
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt……..ew. (shaking head in disgust) Just……ew
John Bradshaw used to say that life keeps bringing you things in bigger doses until you get it. What happened to you is what has happened to me. And the women to whom I was attracted got more and more vicious to the point of making babies to control me.
Amanwhocares,
Yep, females who are high iin P traits will indeedy make babies to get a financial and emotional hook into a man,
and by the same token males high in P traits use getting a woman preggers to control her.
That procreation thing is used both ways—but it is about control, control, and more CONTROL and usually at the expense of the poor children who AT BEST have only one nurturing parent, and sometimes those kids don’t have ANY nurturing parent to protect them from the worst one.
Bradshaw is totally right we get the LESSON repeated over and over until we finally GET IT. I have so many hours at the Unniversity of Hard Knox that if they were all credit hours, I would have a PhD in PSYCHOPATH, however, since I generally FLUNKED the classes repeatedly, I’m still working on my “degree” and have to repeat a class again every now and then. LOL ROTFLMA
Did I miss something in the above post?
I read the story three times and it sounds like she jumped in bed a little too quickly.
As soon as you do that – they have you where they want you to be. Under the “spell” of hormones and sexual tension.
Back out of the bedroom and you might have more success next time. It’s the sex that clouds your ability to think and process the relationship.
Relationships grow, they dont explode overnight.
I am sorry for your pain, but this should become a huge motivator in future relationships.
Cassandra,
I agree with Donna, anything that triggers residual pain, hurt and negativity within you is tremendous healing….it’s having the courage to face into that, which you have. It’s not about meeting someone, it’s about meeting ourselves, deeply within…xx
(((((BP)))))). Hi. Where you been? Great to read you. You been doing ok?
Thanks for all of the words of wisdom on my upcoming meeting. I probably wasn’t as clear as I need to be–I agree with you all about a woman in the stages of love bombing. She probably won’t listen, and if she’s the “perfect victim” for the spath, it means she actually won’t be able to hear me because of decisions she’s already made about herself and about him. I’m actually meeting with a good friend of hers, who is in a serious relationship with a friend of mine. This woman, A, already doesn’t trust the spath. Ever since she heard his sympathy story of his ex from years ago, and ever since she heard he’d been leading this double life with me and her friend. She knows and I know that her friend won’t listen right now, but A will. And then when her friend starts to experience all that we know she’s going to–the confusion, the dissonance–she’ll have a friend standing in the wings who already understands. That’s all either A or I can hope for.
I’m interested to hear what others might have done had they been warned. I was talking with a friend’s wife last year, and her ex and the father of her son is a spath. She’s warned various women about him. Some listen, some don’t. She swears she would have listened. That she got pregnant accidentally (or maybe “accidentally”) and therefore married him. She wasn’t wrapped up in him to the point she couldn’t have heard an external warning. With the first spath, I don’t know that I would have understood a warning. But with the second, I had an awareness. I knew I’d fallen for a sociopath before. I knew sociopaths existed among us who didn’t fit the media image of Ted Bundy. If an ex of his had warned me about him, I would have listened. The women who come before us can be our most important teachers. Is there anyone out there who would have listened had an ex of his (or hers) warned you about the spath? Would you have listened the second time around? Cassandra, would you have listened either time?
As for jumping in bed with someone, I get it. We’re sexual beings. At certain ages, we crave it more than others. Unfortunately, I meet very few men to whom I’m attracted. When I do meet one, and I haven’t had sex in ages, it’s hard to hold back until I can determine whether that sparkle comes from a healthy place or not. Is it a good idea? Probably not. But in a couple of cases it’s allowed me to have some fun, to feel good about myself, and to move along to something more long term without feeling starved for physical excitement and thus prone to more bad decision making.
Hilary, I have been warned and NOT listened
I have warned others and they have not listened, ARE STILL not listening.
Over all I think most people would LIKE to think they would listen but in real life, most don’t listen. The love bomb overcomes reality. Sometimes even the 2nd or 3rd time around we won’t listen to reality checks.