Lovefraud recently received the following letter from a reader whom we’ll call “Cassandra.” My reply follows the letter.
I don’t even know where to begin but I’ll try and make it short. Won’t be sweet though.
I am a long time advocate of Lovefraud. I was a victim of a psychopath over 7 years ago. I was with him for 5 years, we had a house together, dogs, like a married couple. Finally a girl confronted me and told me he was living a double life, as well as having sex with both men and women. And I was not shocked. Just angry at myself for not facing the truth for so long. I ended the relationship. He tried to get me back. I got a restraining order. To this day he still tries to email and call me every few months. I’ve accepted that I will have to deal with that for the rest of my life.
Fast forward to now. It has been 3 years since I have even considered dating, or even touching a man. I am a brilliant career woman. I am successful, make decent money ”¦ and live totally alone. I am scared of men, afraid to date, but am getting tired of not having any male companionship. So, for the first time in 3 years since I was with the psychopath, I went out on a date. First time.
It was an incredible date. Gorgeous guy, even though he looked like a computer nerd. Glasses, Jewish, intellectual, shy, artistic and unfortunately the kind of man I crave. Incredible connection, incredible sex, and I was the one in fact telling him that we needed to take this slower. Except ”¦ he knew exactly what to do. Constant texts, wanting to see me immediately the next day, insisting that he wanted a relationship with me and then changing his tune an hour later saying he wasn’t sure, etc.
At first, I was disgusted and knew I didn’t need any of this crap. I called him on the bluff and told him let’s just back off. 24 hours later, I was the one wondering what he was doing and where he was. He would say “I’m going to see you this afternoon,” and then he wouldn’t show. I would get a text at 10 pm saying his brother was in the hospital and perhaps I am available “tomorrow?” I would fret and stress, wondering if my own paranoia was keeping me trusting this individual, and that this certainly couldn’t happen to me two times in a row that I would date a psychopath. So I gave him the benefit of the doubt and said sure. The next day he did not show. He texted again saying something came up but he’d love to see me that night. With false hope, I agreed but didn’t bet on it.
That night, I was more anxious and worried than ever before. I sat there on my couch, the house all cleaned, the fire going, a perfect romantic atmosphere. I sat there, and 9 pm came and went. I called and texted “Are you on your way?” No response. At 10 pm I turned off the music, the lights, and found myself just staring at the fireplace. I was in what I call a shock of realization.
I turned off the lights, went to bed, lay there until 2 am. At some point I just broke and cried.
Donna, I wasn’t even looking for this. I was not even looking for someone to suddenly “love” me. I just wanted to meet someone who would appreciate who I was on the inside, without being impressed by my career. I just wanted a night just one night of being with a man and having good conversation, good talk, and affection. And that one person that I reached out to after years and years of not dating due to being with a psychopath ”¦ turned out to be another one.
I woke up this morning with my eyes hurting from crying and just drained, as if I have been up for weeks without any sleep. I got up, did coffee, lay on the couch and suddenly broke down and sobbed again. And I can’t help but sob to myself, even though I know I shouldn’t ”¦ that “I’m so stupid.” I am so stupid. I am so stupid. I absolutely hate myself right now, and I hate that I am talented. I hate that I am successful. I hate that I am pretty. I hate that I am a target. I hate that I can’t relate to anyone with the lonely road I take with work. I hate that I am not understood. And most especially, I hate that a psychopath got me the minute I snuck out of my hole after three years.
Now I’m back in the hole. Feeling stupid. Feeling more alone than before. And more hopeless than before. And that I gave all my built up talent and energy to a stranger that got drunk off it, and is doing god knows what with it right now to someone else.
I hope to get over this again as well, but I can’t stop crying and I can’t stop staring at the floor and just whispering, I’m so stupid.
Am I destined to be alone? Working career woman, never being appreciated for who she is on the inside and only being admired on the outside? That means nothing to me. And the minute that I show my true self ”¦ it’s a psychopath that eats it up. Why am I here on this planet if this is always going to be the case?
Dear Cassandra,
I am so very sorry that, on the very first time you looked for companionship again, you ran into another psychopath. It is so painful. I know exactly how you feel, because I’ve been there, or at least someplace similar. It really hurts.
You demand of yourself, the universe or whatever higher power you believe in, “Why me? What did I do wrong? Why did this happen again? How long will this go on? Haven’t I paid enough? Am I destined to remain alone and unloved for the rest of my life? Why can’t I catch a break? When will it be over?
I’d like to offer a different perspective of your most recent experience: I think you’re making progress.
Here is what has happened: You were ready to take the next step in your healing. And that step was to access, and excavate, the residual pain still buried within you from your first psychopathic ex. Or, perhaps there was an incident of betrayal the even predates that first relationship maybe something from your family of origin, or a relationship from your youth. Whatever it was, you were still walking around with negative energy within you, and it was time for the energy to come out.
The universe has a funny way of helping us release our pain: It gives us more pain. It presents us with an opportunity to get our hopes up, believe magic will come, and then it all comes crashing down. With that, the thin dam that was holding back the residual pain bursts, and all we can do is cry.
That’s exactly what you did. You broke down and sobbed.
If you were to look at this incident from a “rational” standpoint, you’d wonder why you reacted so badly. After all, you didn’t spend much time with the guy. He was a jerk pretty much from the beginning, so it’s not like you had a lot invested.
So why did it hurt so badly? Because of all your old pain, the disappointment from the past that you’re still carrying around. Because you so wanted a change.
Here’s my advice: Roll with it. Allow yourself to feel the pain, disappointment and betrayal. Honor the experience. You’re cleaning out the old wounds—and once you do, you’ll be in a much better place to attract a new relationship.
As the negative emotions dissipate, replace them with joy. Notice joy wherever you can perhaps in a lovely view, the affection of a pet, a checkout clerk who’s nice to you. Then, feel gratitude for the moment of joy.
Eventually, if you keep going, the balance will shift. You’ll feel less pain and more joy. And then you’ll be ready for a wonderful new relationship.
I promise you, this is not a setback. It is a step in your healing.
Redwald,
Welcome back buddy! Haven’t seen you around in a whiiiiiile! I always enjoy your comments and tonight is no exception.
You are so right, we must recognize NORMAL as well as ABNORMAL. Unfortunately, too many times we accept “Abby Normal” as what is “usual” (are you old enough to appreciate that line from the movie?) 10 points if you can name the character and what he was referring to. LOL
Afghanexwife,
The man Cassandra dated was using a “roller coaster” technique. He was getting her hopes up and then dashing them. He was manipulating her emotions by telling her to expect him and then not showing up. Classic spath technique.
I posted recently about a couple of guys who offered to look at my trees to see if the maples were worth money on the veneer market for guitars. They said I’d get 1000 or up to 3000 per tree.
I had them inspected years ago so I knew that they were good trees with figures in them. But the dudes showed up and said that they were not worth much and they knew a buyer who would give me $250 for each giant tree. This guy is a middle man whom they often buy from. They gave me his number.
Well, I checked my emotions and saw that I had been brought HIGH and then LOW by their offers and their subsequent dismissal of my trees. I realized that it’s very likely the middle man will give me 250 and sell to them for 500. So that they get a 3000 dollar tree for cheap.
Con men and spaths use similar techniques. My spath explained it to me, “When I want to destroy someone, I like to take them up really high, so they have further to fall.”
Well he may have been referring to the aircraft accidents that he caused, but he also meant emotionally.
Dear Cassandra,
First of all,I can hear that you that you are going through some pain. There are no words that I can say that will make the memory go away,however, you sound like a smart woman that will move on and be in a “place” that will bring you happiness;believe in yourself and that the right person will come along and give you what you are looking for in life.
Stay positive.
As I have have been in a very similar situation as you, I have experience good days and bad days since the relationship finished. I know that “we” question ourselves and our future;it is a overwhelming and tiring experience, as we try say to ourselves that we are going to okay .
The way that I see this reaction is that it is a “normal” thing to do when we have been hurt.
Cassandra,
While I would concur with everyone here…..don’t beat yourself up over this. You learned, you got out when you realized what “it” was, so take the best you can, think positive, be grateful.
I also made the assumption that when Louise said, “Stay out of bed” that you were depressed.When you made the comment, “I can’t stop crying and I can’t stop staring at the floor and just whispering, I’m so stupid” …. I can relate. I cried a river, I layed on the floor, couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, lost 30#….. I was so depressed that YES, I started to stay in bed too. I finally forced myself to take an 8am class 3 days a week to get my @ss out of bed and move.
But in the other context, I still agree with Louise. Having sex to feel good about yourself is a dangerous move. I was in a loveless marriage, but I was in a sexy marriage. And he could see that he controlled me through the sex. If I was a “good girl” I might get the sex that I craved. I was so blinded, but I finally wondered why he wasn’t craving sex, well duh!! Even though he had me convinced that work was so hard and took so much out of him……He was getting it somewhere else. I was in so much denial. I told myself over and over that “HE would never do that to me.” Well, guess what he would. I would’ve done cartwheels naked, cleaned the house, made a fantastic dinner, washed and waxed his car, filled it with gas all for the attention, affection and SEX. And he would’ve and did take it that way – it energized me for days!
But here is where Louise is right. Even though it energized me, it blinded me more to the real him, I was sexually addicted to him. He treated me worse and worse because he saw how DESPERATE I was. The only way out was divorce. I could never have made that marriage right. I am much happier now. Lonely? yes Sexless? yes Desperate? NO
I think it is one of the red flags Donna writes about. Hopping in the sack too soon, and amazing sex.
Also, there could be dangers too. Think of the weirdo you don’t know that well, that could choke you, force you to do things you don’t want.
I think knowing someone well before hand Is very Wise!!
oh yeah, I also had a counselor tell me:
“once you start having sex with someone, think of the hormone flow as though someone has gouged your eyes out”
We all want the hormone rush. That’s why they say Love is blind
It really should be “sex is blind.”
Love is beautiful and scenic
Honestkingdiver, yep – the hormones that rage when sex becomes an issue cause people to “fall in lust.” It’s new. It’s exciting. It’s titillating. And, it’s rabid. Once that “relationship” settles into a “normal” flow, it can’t possibly maintain that rabid sex-drive because other issues take front seat. Children, bills, employment, repairs, maintenance, and other issues simply require immediate attention.
Sex “should” be a delightful by-product of a healthy, loving relationship. But, it seems that our culture has put such a casual emphasis on it that it’s become a “have sex first, then get to know him/her, later” approach.
I’ve posted this, before, but I still have to wonder if I’ll ever have a healthy view of sex, again. For others, I accept that it’s a “good thing.” For me, my sexual identity was shattered when I discovered what the exspath was interested in and what he was actually engaging in. And, I’m ANGRY about this. I feel angry that the thought of sex causes me to feel uncomfortable, unworthy, and un-loveable. UGH!
I like what the counselor said, Honestkingdiver. It’s blunt and harsh, but so often the most harshes of truths are simply that: truths.
Brightest blessings
afghanexwife,
Nobody of us can truly determine whether someone is a full blown psychopath. But there are red flags that suggest he’s a candidate for being high in sociopathic traits, and at the very least a toxic person.
a) Cassandra says she wants to take it slow. The response to that request is nevertheless: lovebombing and wanting to date quickly again, several times. The man doesn’t respect Cassandra’s wish, and instead tries to do the opposite.
b) The lovebomb in itself is a red flag
c) He sets up dates, but doesn’t show several times, explaining afterwards that he couldn’t come. Even if he has a good and genuine excuse not to show, an at least respectful person (man or woman) would make a phonecall before the agreed hour or ASAP to alert their date they can’t come.
Whether you’re a man or a woman, if you’re in love, and are eager to date them, hoping to hit it off for a relationship, you wouldn’t stand them up for 3 nights in a row and have them wait on you each time again. You would either do everything to actually get to the date or you would alert them before the date. You wouln’t treat that person as if you’re taking them for granted, certainly not during courtship.
Only people who don’t truly care at all would behave like that about the agreed dates. This then must mean his lovebomb is a total lie.
So the combination of the red flags shows he’s a man who disrespects Cassandra, who’s egoïstic, emotional manipulative, a deceiver/liar/pretender. Those are all traits of a sociopath, or a narcissist.
Great post Darwin’smom
Whoa…there’s some really good stuff in these comments.
Truthspeak..the one about the woman thinking someone she is in love with couldn’t be “that bad” is right on. I even watched him be bad to other women and myself but, didn’t think he could be that bad to me. He did get “that bad” to me.
Withholding sex for the control evidently is very common. He did that all the time. He did the “roller coaster” technique towards the end. I couldn’t figure that one out but, now I know what it was. He wanted me to fall really far when he discarded me. He did it all.
I now have the “3 times your out rule”. If they cancel on me 3 times they are out. If it’s an emergency and they can prove it I will let it slide. If they stand me up, they are out. Phones are easily accessible.
My time is as important as theirs. If I plan something with someone and they cancel repeatedly then they don’t respect me.
Truthspeak,
This sentence you post really speaks the truth to me:Sex “should” be a delightful by-product of a healthy, loving relationship. But, it seems that our culture has put such a casual emphasis on it that it’s become a “have sex first, then get to know him/her, later” approach.
I worry for my children that they are so living in this casual sex era. When I repeatedly told my daughters to hold off, don’t do that, you don’t even know this person well, you’re too young, They did, but guess what? So many of their “friends” call them a prude. My 19 year old is definitely an outcast and made to feel as is something is wrong with her because on one of her athletic teams she is the only one who hasn’t had sex and drinks (much at all or with regularity). I tell her, actually sweetie, It’s what is right with you, not what is wrong with you.
I personally don’t get the Friends with Benefits thing. Even my car mechanic told me after my divorce that it would be easy for me to “hook up” since “you’re good looking.” i told him, I don’t do casual hook ups, it’s the same as going for a massage. I’ll go for the massage – thank you anyway.
It’s kind of like casual prostitution. Putting out front…. Here’s what I’ve got. Lust, lust, lust. It’s making us lose humanity and intimate connections. Personally, I’m holding out. I really believe a decent man WILL respect that.