Lovefraud recently received the following letter from a reader whom we’ll call “Cassandra.” My reply follows the letter.
I don’t even know where to begin but I’ll try and make it short. Won’t be sweet though.
I am a long time advocate of Lovefraud. I was a victim of a psychopath over 7 years ago. I was with him for 5 years, we had a house together, dogs, like a married couple. Finally a girl confronted me and told me he was living a double life, as well as having sex with both men and women. And I was not shocked. Just angry at myself for not facing the truth for so long. I ended the relationship. He tried to get me back. I got a restraining order. To this day he still tries to email and call me every few months. I’ve accepted that I will have to deal with that for the rest of my life.
Fast forward to now. It has been 3 years since I have even considered dating, or even touching a man. I am a brilliant career woman. I am successful, make decent money ”¦ and live totally alone. I am scared of men, afraid to date, but am getting tired of not having any male companionship. So, for the first time in 3 years since I was with the psychopath, I went out on a date. First time.
It was an incredible date. Gorgeous guy, even though he looked like a computer nerd. Glasses, Jewish, intellectual, shy, artistic and unfortunately the kind of man I crave. Incredible connection, incredible sex, and I was the one in fact telling him that we needed to take this slower. Except ”¦ he knew exactly what to do. Constant texts, wanting to see me immediately the next day, insisting that he wanted a relationship with me and then changing his tune an hour later saying he wasn’t sure, etc.
At first, I was disgusted and knew I didn’t need any of this crap. I called him on the bluff and told him let’s just back off. 24 hours later, I was the one wondering what he was doing and where he was. He would say “I’m going to see you this afternoon,” and then he wouldn’t show. I would get a text at 10 pm saying his brother was in the hospital and perhaps I am available “tomorrow?” I would fret and stress, wondering if my own paranoia was keeping me trusting this individual, and that this certainly couldn’t happen to me two times in a row that I would date a psychopath. So I gave him the benefit of the doubt and said sure. The next day he did not show. He texted again saying something came up but he’d love to see me that night. With false hope, I agreed but didn’t bet on it.
That night, I was more anxious and worried than ever before. I sat there on my couch, the house all cleaned, the fire going, a perfect romantic atmosphere. I sat there, and 9 pm came and went. I called and texted “Are you on your way?” No response. At 10 pm I turned off the music, the lights, and found myself just staring at the fireplace. I was in what I call a shock of realization.
I turned off the lights, went to bed, lay there until 2 am. At some point I just broke and cried.
Donna, I wasn’t even looking for this. I was not even looking for someone to suddenly “love” me. I just wanted to meet someone who would appreciate who I was on the inside, without being impressed by my career. I just wanted a night just one night of being with a man and having good conversation, good talk, and affection. And that one person that I reached out to after years and years of not dating due to being with a psychopath ”¦ turned out to be another one.
I woke up this morning with my eyes hurting from crying and just drained, as if I have been up for weeks without any sleep. I got up, did coffee, lay on the couch and suddenly broke down and sobbed again. And I can’t help but sob to myself, even though I know I shouldn’t ”¦ that “I’m so stupid.” I am so stupid. I am so stupid. I absolutely hate myself right now, and I hate that I am talented. I hate that I am successful. I hate that I am pretty. I hate that I am a target. I hate that I can’t relate to anyone with the lonely road I take with work. I hate that I am not understood. And most especially, I hate that a psychopath got me the minute I snuck out of my hole after three years.
Now I’m back in the hole. Feeling stupid. Feeling more alone than before. And more hopeless than before. And that I gave all my built up talent and energy to a stranger that got drunk off it, and is doing god knows what with it right now to someone else.
I hope to get over this again as well, but I can’t stop crying and I can’t stop staring at the floor and just whispering, I’m so stupid.
Am I destined to be alone? Working career woman, never being appreciated for who she is on the inside and only being admired on the outside? That means nothing to me. And the minute that I show my true self ”¦ it’s a psychopath that eats it up. Why am I here on this planet if this is always going to be the case?
Dear Cassandra,
I am so very sorry that, on the very first time you looked for companionship again, you ran into another psychopath. It is so painful. I know exactly how you feel, because I’ve been there, or at least someplace similar. It really hurts.
You demand of yourself, the universe or whatever higher power you believe in, “Why me? What did I do wrong? Why did this happen again? How long will this go on? Haven’t I paid enough? Am I destined to remain alone and unloved for the rest of my life? Why can’t I catch a break? When will it be over?
I’d like to offer a different perspective of your most recent experience: I think you’re making progress.
Here is what has happened: You were ready to take the next step in your healing. And that step was to access, and excavate, the residual pain still buried within you from your first psychopathic ex. Or, perhaps there was an incident of betrayal the even predates that first relationship maybe something from your family of origin, or a relationship from your youth. Whatever it was, you were still walking around with negative energy within you, and it was time for the energy to come out.
The universe has a funny way of helping us release our pain: It gives us more pain. It presents us with an opportunity to get our hopes up, believe magic will come, and then it all comes crashing down. With that, the thin dam that was holding back the residual pain bursts, and all we can do is cry.
That’s exactly what you did. You broke down and sobbed.
If you were to look at this incident from a “rational” standpoint, you’d wonder why you reacted so badly. After all, you didn’t spend much time with the guy. He was a jerk pretty much from the beginning, so it’s not like you had a lot invested.
So why did it hurt so badly? Because of all your old pain, the disappointment from the past that you’re still carrying around. Because you so wanted a change.
Here’s my advice: Roll with it. Allow yourself to feel the pain, disappointment and betrayal. Honor the experience. You’re cleaning out the old wounds—and once you do, you’ll be in a much better place to attract a new relationship.
As the negative emotions dissipate, replace them with joy. Notice joy wherever you can perhaps in a lovely view, the affection of a pet, a checkout clerk who’s nice to you. Then, feel gratitude for the moment of joy.
Eventually, if you keep going, the balance will shift. You’ll feel less pain and more joy. And then you’ll be ready for a wonderful new relationship.
I promise you, this is not a setback. It is a step in your healing.
I came upon a great web-sight after googeling “narcissists and fantasy. I read the article that came up. I am posting the link….it fits right in with the current discussion.
http://www.guidetopsychology.com/sex_love.htm
kim:
Thanks so much for the link. Awesome reading.
Kmillercats,
I have the ONE TIME AND YOU ARE OUT rule. At the FIRST sign of a red flag, whether it is a stand me up or whatever it is, BAM!!! YOU ARE OUT! No second chances for BAD behavior.
OxD,
When I had my daughter and I was a single mom, I went to a clients house and she was a single mom of 3 sons. One got out of line and she said “ONE” and he stopped. I laughed and said “pretty good”. She said they know “ONE” means “STOP”. If I say “TWO” or “THREE”, that’s how many whacks they get! She said, “why should they continue to do something wrong when at “ONE” they know it’s wrong?”
I had never heard of this but her sons were well behaved.
Eralyn,
When my kids were little I “counted” too….and I would say “one” and they would say “Mom, PLEASE DON’T COUNT” like it was “Mom, please don’t hang us” LOL It worked for a long time and my kids were great LITTLE KIDS and until they hit the horrible teens I didn’t have a lot of trouble out of them even though son C was ADHD he was a pretty well behaved kid, son Patrick was only a problem one time, til he was a teenager then all hell broke loose.
I think kids that are little are more what the parents model for behavior and older kids decide for themselves.
OxD,
I am still on the edge of my seat with my daughter. I know she’s been traumatized but I am just heading into the terrible teens. She was the most wonderful baby and toddler etc. High energy (lucky to be alive due to fast and impulsive) but we didn’t have “terrible twos” as I didn’t buy into it. She did give me a run for my money at 4 years old but I attributed a lot of it to “daycare”. She started trying new tricks on me which other kids were doing. HA!
We had a rough last year but this year of school seems to be ok. She doesn’t have a lot of freedom yet though.
The teens are really scary these days. You just never know what you’re gonna get. lol It really is from A-Z…….
Hmmm. I’m wondering whether to chime in or not. I agree with the basics about honoring yourself. Absolutely. But I don’t think denying your natural needs is necessarily a sign of honor. I have teens. And btw I counted when they were little. ONE, and they’d say don’t count don’t count don’t count. I didn’t have to more than once or twice.
I think with teens that they are just too young for all the emotional ties that come with having sex. They just don’t see it that way. What I disagree with is that generally, as I was, girls are looked down on if they want or like sex. A stupid question but in the right scenarios who doesn’t? So the girls wrap all this drama into sex to justify it. And there’s a lot of crying and hurt and lying and backstabbing. The boys like this because it puts them in the drivers seat. They use the bad girls for sex and keep the nice girl for themselves.
I told my girls that its okay to like sex. It’s normal to want it. I told them that its an emotional risk for anyone especially when they are so young and ill equipped. But I am tired that guys get to want and have sex and its just a boys thing. Girls are bad girls for wanting and having sex. I try to let my girls know that they have all the power. That their sexuality is theirs. It’s not mine. It’s not their girlfriends. It’s not their boyfriends or society’s. They are the one and true original owner. That everyone feels these things and there should not be shame associated with it whatsoever. Having it or not having it is not bad or good. It’s theirs to decide and they need not make up excuses like I’m lonely, I’m shy, I’m happy or sad to have it or not. That they take care to use condoms if the do and i recommend the more mature the better. I tell them my preference for them. But i state it is my preference only. That to be open and honest about their drivers for these things is important.
There’s a movie scene where the girl wakes up early after a one night stand and is leaving the hotel room when the guy wakes up. She has to go she says but wants to know when they will tell their families. Tell them what the guy says slightly confused. Why, that were engaged to be married now. He looks horrified. When she laughs and he is relieved.
One cannot have something as intimate as sex with someone without some discussion on what they want out of it, expectations, etc. I tell my girls don’t go in thinking you are going to gain or lose anything. It is what it is. And they go mom mom please stop talking about sex. I say, if you think you are old enough to have it or think about having it then you are old enough to talk about it.
I just think that if I slept with a man “too soon” and then he was an idiot, does not reflect at all on me because I had sex. The sooner I know he’s an idiot the better and the faster I can cross him out. If I had sex I did it because I wanted to. Did I enjoy it? Great. Too bad tho its not worth an idiot. If I didn’t even better that I’m not compelled to hang on then if he’s a jerk. And what is too soon. Where’s the divine rule book.
One reason that I think there’s so much divorce is that maybe we all try and pretend to be the person we think our love interests want us to be. Your love interest I’d probably doing the same thing. Then we marry and years and life goes by and we look at each other and say do I know you. Well no not really. You knew the person I thought you wanted me to be and I can’t be that anymore.
Just some random thoughts…. And Cassandra I see progress whether you had sex or not. It took you how long to spot and toss the spath!??!! Good for you. And if you had sex I hope you did it because you wanted to. i hope you were safe and really hope you enjoyed the heck out of it. Truly. That does not make the situation better or worse. Even if you didn’t have sex he is still a jerk! Having sex didn’t make him a jerk. He’s a jerk. Two separate things. Ones a verb and ones a noun. Hang in there!
Thanks for sharing your random thoughts, Lillian. I think women who’ve been involved with/are prone to involvement with psychopaths need to be aware that sex clouds judgment, and so do teens who are venturing there for the first time!
Hello to my Lovefraud friends/family.
I totally understand, been treated like, felt the damagement, and bewilderment why did I allow myself to be treated with such disrespect first of all and second from such human worthless garbage a spath.
The last spath relationship I ended was this past February and it lasted on and off 3 pathetic months. I had allowed it to take that long because I was concerned about hurting his feelings due to his birthday month and Valentine Day. Gee I’m hopeless. Was afraid the circle of friends I was within he had been for a long time since and had convinced many women he’s an awesome man with his feel sorry for me gimmick, and calm exterior however; when serves him well he can put on the cry baby I’m hurt routine (very manipulative, felt violently controlling, and liar). He played the roller coaster game with me as well as the one before him had done so too (later found out is a sexual preditor with his youngest handcap sister and possibly daughters).
I ended the sick demented relationships with a strong thought in mind. The spath is a loser piece of crap and others know it (he had this way of running out previous women he had dated from the group and to not disclose his physical extreme sexual inability to perform) and the men tried to tip me off about him being a strange unsafe man who manipulates women.
While dating a spath they made me feel insecure, crazy, and their property. When I gained the strength to end the craziness I felt insecure however; felt not a loser any longer. The worst is to be dumped by a loser.
Will try to start dating after Valentines Day and work towards controlling the relationship for me as much as sure the guy will do the same for himself(new way of dancing versus the old way of allowing men to make the decisions). This will definitely be a new experience and I’ll make mistakes a long the way however; this is my life not theirs to control out of demented personality disorder mindset. There’s healthy ones in this world hopefully not already committed in a relationship.
Now started job and feel working for another boss with personality disorder possibly a female spath. The roller coaster game she enjoys playing with me. Got the job then; I don’t know if you’ll work out. The second day was yelled at when handed a project that wasn’t trained on their policy. Attitude towards me was that I claimed to know how to do the task. Did it the way my previous job required. Learned from coworker had done the task before she hated the task and worked hard not to do it any longer and very uncomfortable with the boss many others are being controlled with the one minute they’ll stay to might not work out and loss their jobs.
After holidays it might just be good idea to start looking around again.
In other words we can’t change them so why are we allowing them to try to change us? They put off a manipulative invisible feeling of caring good will atmosphere/aura around themselves. Maybe they can only mirror what we ourselves are, when the time arrives for the spath to become real and no longer replicate who we are is when the game becomes crazy. I’m trying to feel secure within self first and not care what anyone thinks of me. Hard in devour to learn yet maybe a far safer healthier approach towards surviving and living.
Curious what you my family might think about my new approach of communication towards the rest of the world.