Lovefraud recently received the following letter from a reader whom we’ll call “Cassandra.” My reply follows the letter.
I don’t even know where to begin but I’ll try and make it short. Won’t be sweet though.
I am a long time advocate of Lovefraud. I was a victim of a psychopath over 7 years ago. I was with him for 5 years, we had a house together, dogs, like a married couple. Finally a girl confronted me and told me he was living a double life, as well as having sex with both men and women. And I was not shocked. Just angry at myself for not facing the truth for so long. I ended the relationship. He tried to get me back. I got a restraining order. To this day he still tries to email and call me every few months. I’ve accepted that I will have to deal with that for the rest of my life.
Fast forward to now. It has been 3 years since I have even considered dating, or even touching a man. I am a brilliant career woman. I am successful, make decent money ”¦ and live totally alone. I am scared of men, afraid to date, but am getting tired of not having any male companionship. So, for the first time in 3 years since I was with the psychopath, I went out on a date. First time.
It was an incredible date. Gorgeous guy, even though he looked like a computer nerd. Glasses, Jewish, intellectual, shy, artistic and unfortunately the kind of man I crave. Incredible connection, incredible sex, and I was the one in fact telling him that we needed to take this slower. Except ”¦ he knew exactly what to do. Constant texts, wanting to see me immediately the next day, insisting that he wanted a relationship with me and then changing his tune an hour later saying he wasn’t sure, etc.
At first, I was disgusted and knew I didn’t need any of this crap. I called him on the bluff and told him let’s just back off. 24 hours later, I was the one wondering what he was doing and where he was. He would say “I’m going to see you this afternoon,” and then he wouldn’t show. I would get a text at 10 pm saying his brother was in the hospital and perhaps I am available “tomorrow?” I would fret and stress, wondering if my own paranoia was keeping me trusting this individual, and that this certainly couldn’t happen to me two times in a row that I would date a psychopath. So I gave him the benefit of the doubt and said sure. The next day he did not show. He texted again saying something came up but he’d love to see me that night. With false hope, I agreed but didn’t bet on it.
That night, I was more anxious and worried than ever before. I sat there on my couch, the house all cleaned, the fire going, a perfect romantic atmosphere. I sat there, and 9 pm came and went. I called and texted “Are you on your way?” No response. At 10 pm I turned off the music, the lights, and found myself just staring at the fireplace. I was in what I call a shock of realization.
I turned off the lights, went to bed, lay there until 2 am. At some point I just broke and cried.
Donna, I wasn’t even looking for this. I was not even looking for someone to suddenly “love” me. I just wanted to meet someone who would appreciate who I was on the inside, without being impressed by my career. I just wanted a night just one night of being with a man and having good conversation, good talk, and affection. And that one person that I reached out to after years and years of not dating due to being with a psychopath ”¦ turned out to be another one.
I woke up this morning with my eyes hurting from crying and just drained, as if I have been up for weeks without any sleep. I got up, did coffee, lay on the couch and suddenly broke down and sobbed again. And I can’t help but sob to myself, even though I know I shouldn’t ”¦ that “I’m so stupid.” I am so stupid. I am so stupid. I absolutely hate myself right now, and I hate that I am talented. I hate that I am successful. I hate that I am pretty. I hate that I am a target. I hate that I can’t relate to anyone with the lonely road I take with work. I hate that I am not understood. And most especially, I hate that a psychopath got me the minute I snuck out of my hole after three years.
Now I’m back in the hole. Feeling stupid. Feeling more alone than before. And more hopeless than before. And that I gave all my built up talent and energy to a stranger that got drunk off it, and is doing god knows what with it right now to someone else.
I hope to get over this again as well, but I can’t stop crying and I can’t stop staring at the floor and just whispering, I’m so stupid.
Am I destined to be alone? Working career woman, never being appreciated for who she is on the inside and only being admired on the outside? That means nothing to me. And the minute that I show my true self ”¦ it’s a psychopath that eats it up. Why am I here on this planet if this is always going to be the case?
Dear Cassandra,
I am so very sorry that, on the very first time you looked for companionship again, you ran into another psychopath. It is so painful. I know exactly how you feel, because I’ve been there, or at least someplace similar. It really hurts.
You demand of yourself, the universe or whatever higher power you believe in, “Why me? What did I do wrong? Why did this happen again? How long will this go on? Haven’t I paid enough? Am I destined to remain alone and unloved for the rest of my life? Why can’t I catch a break? When will it be over?
I’d like to offer a different perspective of your most recent experience: I think you’re making progress.
Here is what has happened: You were ready to take the next step in your healing. And that step was to access, and excavate, the residual pain still buried within you from your first psychopathic ex. Or, perhaps there was an incident of betrayal the even predates that first relationship maybe something from your family of origin, or a relationship from your youth. Whatever it was, you were still walking around with negative energy within you, and it was time for the energy to come out.
The universe has a funny way of helping us release our pain: It gives us more pain. It presents us with an opportunity to get our hopes up, believe magic will come, and then it all comes crashing down. With that, the thin dam that was holding back the residual pain bursts, and all we can do is cry.
That’s exactly what you did. You broke down and sobbed.
If you were to look at this incident from a “rational” standpoint, you’d wonder why you reacted so badly. After all, you didn’t spend much time with the guy. He was a jerk pretty much from the beginning, so it’s not like you had a lot invested.
So why did it hurt so badly? Because of all your old pain, the disappointment from the past that you’re still carrying around. Because you so wanted a change.
Here’s my advice: Roll with it. Allow yourself to feel the pain, disappointment and betrayal. Honor the experience. You’re cleaning out the old wounds—and once you do, you’ll be in a much better place to attract a new relationship.
As the negative emotions dissipate, replace them with joy. Notice joy wherever you can perhaps in a lovely view, the affection of a pet, a checkout clerk who’s nice to you. Then, feel gratitude for the moment of joy.
Eventually, if you keep going, the balance will shift. You’ll feel less pain and more joy. And then you’ll be ready for a wonderful new relationship.
I promise you, this is not a setback. It is a step in your healing.
raised by sociopath
I find in the situation I am in with my daughter and Grandsons is that no one seems to have a choice but to obey or be punished. It is the saddest most horrible way to have to live. I have the choice of no contact but my grandsons do not and you probably had no choice either. This blame is not yours to bear. I understand that it is hard to except because the s paths will never take the blame they are always right and find the craziest excuses to make them feel they are not to blame. You must not let this get to you because the s paths are to blame for the horror that they cause. A normal person believe strongly in forgiveness but the s paths do not have a forgiving bone in there body but can sure play the game like they do to others but not to you.
Cassandra,You hang in there. Keep looking for the red flags it is not your fault there are a lot of not so nice guys out there but there are all so a lot of nice guys out there just go slow and be picky. Do not put your heart out there until you know what kind of a person the new man is. I believe all people who have been involved with a s path know the signs even though we sometimes do not want to believe they exist.Hang in there believe in your self.
RBS,
It starts out learning about them and ends up learning about ourselves.
For myself, I keep a close watch on my own emotions. They inform me of what is going on. Also, people reveal what they are, so listen to them and watch their behavior.
Yesterday, I went craigslisting. I wanted some light fixtures that were being given away for free. I had called and made an appt to pick them up on saturday morning. Then, I called about a 1/2 hour before I arrived to say I was on my way.
The guy said, “I’ll be ready for you.” huh? “ready”? Something about the wording didn’t feel right. I expected him to say, “I’ll be here.” or “I’ll be waiting for you.”
Before he said that, I had had no trepidation at all. I often go inside people’s houses when craigslisting. I will meet their families or whatever, I rarely worry. Even when I have met guys who I later realize were trauma bonding me, I wasn’t really concerned.
So I get there. The house is nice, the neighborhood is secluded. I ring the door bell twice and he doesn’t answer. I call him. He answers and I tell him I’m outside. He says, “oh, I’ll be right down.” Then he opens the door, and I’m standing out by the drive way reading gmail on my droid. He says, “come on in.” LOL.
“No, I’m not coming in. I don’t know you.” I replied.
He gave me an exasperated look. Goes in, and comes back out with the light fixtures.
He looked like a nice old man. I do have a bad feeling about that guy though. My gut informs me. It always does and I’m learning to trust it.
skylar says; ” My gut informs me. It always does and I’m learning to trust it.”
My therapist had been working with me on this. It’s better to be safe then extremely sorry later. We all know all to well that s paths come across genuine with alternate demented motives. All it takes is to be burned by fire once to know it’s fire and to be afraid of it then; we learn to control it yet; with the knowledge it can destroy us and all that we love however; we learn to control it and label it what it is.
I’m working on overcoming the fear to move onto controlling my exposure and reactions to s paths.
I had written an email earlier about an uncomfortable situation I’ve been put into at a Bible study women’s group. My extreme strong gut feeling is this woman is a s path and demented one enjoying controlling others through her narcissism and laughing while watching others in pain or have hurt themselves in front of her. I informed the leader with anxiety (you can only imagine due to being raised by two of the demented kind) the reply was it is wrong to name call. I never took back however; did say I felt the situation toxic for me due to having such a hatred and knowledge about s paths. Felt it would be best for the group in a whole for me not to partake any longer. I gave the s path a second chance only to witness a complete turn around and sweet peaceful spirit (typical s path behavior after attacking and causing chaos previously without even the slightest apology or explanation for her crazy behavior) everyone gave her a hug (except me) and invited her to stay and open their home to her. I can’t bear to watch anymore of the drama or be part of it. I need healing because hatred isn’t healthy for me and chases away good people (was called jaded). Have to believe the demented ones yes will get away with their appetite of brutalizing victims and the justice will happen on judgement day.
Distressed Grandmother,
“This blame is not yours to bear. I understand that it is hard to except because the s paths will never take the blame they are always right and find the craziest excuses to make them feel they are not to blame. You must not let this get to you because the s paths are to blame for the horror that they cause. A normal person believe strongly in forgiveness but the s paths do not have a forgiving bone in there body but can sure play the game like they do to others but not to you.”
You hit the truth on the nail. Part of the mind game in covering their tracks of preying, is to blame their victims. The sick thing is they play they’re victim while the true victim is speechless and traumatized.
Rasied by sociopaths,
Jesus said that the church would be invaded by “wolves in sheeps clothing” and He was right…when you encounter them after seeing that you cannot dislodge them, the only option is to leave that group and find a group that is free of predators. Sometimes not easy.
Raised, in my experiences, I have learned that organized religious or spiritual groups/organizations are the most fertile and inviting trolling grounds for spaths, ppaths, and plain a**holes, in general. There’s a very, VERY simple reason for this. Most doctrines hold that people are to be “forgiven,” accepted, tolerated, and “loved” regardless of what they’ve done, what they’re doing, or what they have planned in the offing. To achieve Divine Grace, people are expected to maintain a flawed system of beliefs that everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt and a second chance.
Some of the most prolific spaths used religion/spirituality to draw in targets and minions, and to create the most catastrophic social events imaginable. Jim Jones, David Koresh, and others……people gave their trust to them, and they used that trust for their own purposes. Sex, money, power……it all comes down to disorder.
When I enter into a group or organization, I am expected to abide by the rules set forth by that group. To do otherwise risks being shunned or dismissed. I don’t engage in this pursuit, anymore, because I will not allow any group of people – religious, spiritual, political – to determine my system of beliefs.
Just as a COMPLETE aside and way off-topic, I experienced a church-based meanness, 2 weeks ago at the food bank. I was in line, like everyone else, and some volunteers were taking carts of foodstuffs out to the parking lot. It was VERY cold, that afternoon, and everyone was standing around inside the basement while these people were going back and forth. Well, one of the recipients of the food walked out through the door that didn’t close, automatically. She didn’t look back and this one volunteer shouted out, “Will SOMEBODY please close that door?” So, someone did, and she said, “THANK you. You’re not paying the heating bill, here, you know…..” Well, what kind of slap in the face was THAT?! Not one person wants to find themselves in a foodbank line. It’s humiliating and desperate, especially since the food that’s donated by the local grocers is of the most base kind. No fruits or vegetables unless they’re in a can, and absolutely astronomically high in carbs and sugar. VERY unhealthy foods, but we have to be grateful to be getting ANYthing, so I’m not complaining – just observing. But, what this woman was inferring was that, for whatever reason, none of us paid ANYthing, much less the heating bill for the church that hosted the food bank.
Just because a person is associated with a religious or spiritual organization doesn’t preclude that they are walking the walk. The woman that I mentioned saw an opportunity to deliver a generally humiliating remark that I found incomprehensible. And, some of the women who process the recipients in the line are hard, hard women – they stare at each recipient with such disdain and revulsion that it’s hurtful, literally. It’s not what group a person is accepted into that counts. It’s what that person does on a daily basis that matters.
Just my 2 cents, and I apologize for the rant. LOL!!!
Brightest blessings
Very good observation at the food bank Truthy. She let on who she is and it ain’t pretty.
Skylar, absolutely. What kind of cruel thing was that for her to say? YES, WE DO pay the heating bills for that food bank because it is a government subsidized program and ALL donations/facility uses are paid via tax breaks and cash subsidies. If anyone in that line had a job and was paying income taxes, they were most certainly paying for the heating bill, SOMEWHERE down the taxpayer line.
WTF?! I almost called her out on her comment, too. If she does it, again, I think I may have to. There is NO call for making such a cruel remark, and it REEKED of entitlement and narcissism, at the very least.
(harumph) Criminy crissmass…….what is wrong with people, anyway?
Truthy, Pick your battles. Sometimes the best way to deal with these types is to give them rope. Let them show their true colors and watch them hang themselves.
She may or may not be a spath. She may have been thoughtless and selfish. Who knows. We all have bad days when we aren’t thinking.
So just continue to observe and see if there are other red flags. Then, IMO, the best behavior is to be a gray rock. Blend with the scenery and don’t let her notice you. Most of all don’t let her know that you noticed HER!
Truthspeak:
I am so sorry you had that experience. That is absolutely awful and that woman sounds mean and rude. I hate that you had this experience with a church because it makes me think of my church and how much we do for our community and how, I would hope, no one from my church would speak to someone like that. Having said that, I or we cannot control what people do or say. There is no way I could ever control if someone at my church was just having a rotten day and said something really cruel and mean like that woman did at the food bank. That’s just too bad because now she gave you a bad view of what churches are “supposed” to do in this world and that’s help the hurting and that is what MY church does. My church does so very much for people in need locally and globally.
I agree with Skylar…continue to watch her and see if she continues with the vileness. Maybe she was just having an awful day…who knows. If it continues, you should say something. HUGS to you.