The two most recent Letters to Lovefraud both had the same theme: Sociopathic men who relentlessly pursued women, proclaiming their love, making glowing promises of a committed relationship. The men pushed for sex, and although the women resisted, eventually, believing they were involved in real romances, the women succumbed to the men’s physical desires. With that, both women were dumped.
Read the letters here:
I met him on Facebook, was used for sex and dumped the next day
I felt bonded, even though this made me nauseated
Both women were astounded at how they were unceremoniously booted. They had a hard time coming to grips with the idea that they’d been used and abused. How could a man say all those wonderful things and not mean them? How could a man who talked so eloquently about love be lying? How could a man paint such a beautiful picture of the future and then discard me? Was there something wrong with me? Wasn’t I sexy enough? Smart enough? Pretty enough?
Both women tried to get answers from the men. The men, however, never admitted the true reason that they did what they did:
They wanted to.
Core of a sociopath
Sometimes it’s hard for us to get our minds around how truly different sociopathic individuals are from the rest of us. This is understandable. After all, 96% to 99% of people are like us—capable of love and consideration.
But that 1% to 4% who are sociopaths—well, they might as well be aliens. These people:
- Feel no empathy at all towards other human beings
- Have no conscience
- Are interested only power, control and sex
This is the core of a sociopath—no empathy, no conscience and desiring only power, control and sex.
Implications
So what does this mean? It means sociopaths feel entitled to take what they want, regardless of how their actions may damage others. It means they get no satisfaction from connectedness with others, they only get satisfaction from winning. It means sociopaths view the world as predators and prey—they are the predators and everyone else is prey.
This is shocking. Mind-blowing. Impossible to understand.
So we cannot try to understand. We can only accept. This is how they are.
They do not want us as lovers, partners, friends or family members. They want power, control and sex.
But yet we still try to make sense of it all, knowing that it doesn’t make sense! Takes a while to actually come to the conclusion that you state above.
Contrary to the ones who came before him, I was insistent on holding out on sex until I felt I was sure about our relationship. He obligingly waited saying he respected my decision and would not pressure me. But I’m guessing this left the door open for him to seek gratification elsewhere while continuing to ply me. I met the family, went to social/work functions, weddings, funerals, in essence became the decoy.
Had I not discovered what the S was doing online and confronted him with it, I would have been discarded like the lady before me. He actually told me about her in the beginning, but not all the details, and he made her look crazy/psycho for pursuing him although he had told her that he was seeing me. How much is actually true of what he says remains undetermined.
Funny with all the flowery prose and all the protestations of love, devotion, etc., that when hit with questions, they all of a sudden become stupid and silent.
This posting is very true, something it took me a long time to really see. A telling comment my husband made about 14 years ago when my children were babies, I had said I was too tired for sex, he responded with “Why do you think people get married, it’s so they can have sex whenever they want to.” Really? This is why you got married? Idiot!!!! He has fantasies about other women daily and is sexually compulsive. He will do ANYTHING to hide it. He thinks he’s god’s gift and acts so mysterious.
I think he is partially aware that something is wrong with him but refuses to address it. When I told him that he wasn’t the person I thought he was, he tried very hard to convince me that he is that person.
Sex is necessary for his existance. Deviant porn, control, deviant bedroom behavior. Even if the sex can be really good, it is not based on an emotional connection, therefore it’s just sex. I don’t need to be married to a one night stand, been there, done that. At least I knew when I had a one-nighter, that was exactly what it was. No lies, no illusions.
The poor women who were victimized by these preditors, did not deserve it. They believed what the spath told them, believed they wouldn’t be lied to. I hope they are able to see red flags in the future and wil have productive, loving, relationships with people that are deserving of their affections.
Thank you so much for this post, Donna. Because they want to, and because they CAN.
Wrapping our heads around the fact that there exist other human beings devoid of empathy, conscience, or feeling is very difficult for most of us. “Surely, you’re mistaken,” was the constant response that I experienced re ex spath and spath son. “He can’t be THAT bad because you married him,” was another. Yet, another was, “But, he’s your SON! Don’t you LOVE your own SON?”
Trying to make sense of these people comes down to this: we, as human beings, know far less than we think we do. We can’t always process what “is”, even though we invent this involved verbage and author lengthy descriptions in an attempt to define the absence of what I consider to be a soul. We have willingly stifled our instincts to the point where we, as a society and culture, not only fail to recognize the inner voice, but we actively IGNORE it when encountering the spath.
The sex – aside from orgasm – was empty, meaningless, deviant, humiliating, distasteful, and a host of other negatives. I ended up feeling used, though I couldn’t really pinpoint why. I felt dirty, though I couldn’t seem to define the reason. When I review how the subterfuge and gaslighting ocurred, I am amazed at the insidious and complete brainwashing tactics that were employed and the cruelty that was the ex spath’s biggest fun of all.
Perhaps, if we were not such an “evolved” species, we might be able to peg these people for what they are well in advance and begin winnowing them out, genetically, by not reproducing with them. The societal shunning of such creatures would insure that they would not be allowed to cause such damage. Certainly, there are those out there who are just plain jerks and do not fit the profile of spathy. But, for those who do fit the profile, it would be so much easier to identify them if we just relearned to trust our instincts.
Hi. I just needed to chime in for a second, I just could not contain myself wanting to share. I just saw the movie Gaslight last night. Whoa, that’s so much like what I have gone through. I was completely transfixed and glued to my TV. It resonated on such emotional level. Has anyone seen this movie? If so, how much could you relate?
It’s one of my favorite movies, Greenfern, and I can relate to it 100%. The ex spath wasn’t as much in a hurry as the character that Charles Boyer played, but there were other “prizes” in the offing. It’s all relative to the individual, but my belief is that every Survivor of spathy experienced gaslighting on some (often, many) levels.
Buttons,
So many of your experiences mirror mine. Some to a different degree. I know I’ve said this before, but I’m glad I’m not alone. I’m not alone, yeah! I’m not happy that others went through hell, but to have affirmation that I’m not a raving lunatic, is priceless. Thanks for sharing your experience.
Sociopathy has been found to be in the genes. (maybe not all cases, but there is a link) Is it possible some people carry a recessive gene that makes the risks for sociopathy higher when paired with another recessive gene for sociopathy? Just a guess. My sister’s children have a greater risk for developing bi-polar because she has it. It is so much better for them that they don’t live with her, they are way more healthy.
Button said:
“The ex spath wasn’t as much in a hurry as the character that Charles Boyer played, but there were other “prizes” in the offing.”
I kept thinking that the jewels Charles Boyer tried to get to, could represent many different things. They could represent spiritual gifts, soul and spirit that the Spath does not have. They need to steel it in order to feel like they have it.
Greenfern,
I just watched this movie on you tube. Scarry how much I felt like Ingred Bergman’s character during our marriage. Just watching it gave a a lump in my throat. Your point about the spath taking so much from us is so true. For some people it might have been monitary but the things taken from me were my self esteem, my integrity, intuition, and the biggest thing that was taken was my trust. It will never be the same, but maybe that’s a good thing, I won’t let crapola into my life anymore.
This article makes sense to what I was saying how suddenly the NPD here has been all over me like a bad smell….he is scared he is losing his stronghold…not that he is losing someone he cares about…
Muldoon, “not that he is losing someone he cares about…” The saddest (and, sickest) thing about this statement is that “cares” should be replaced with “once owned.” Spaths are incapable of caring in the way that you and I and other members understand it and I’m hope I don’t come across as criticizing your remark – it’s so very, very true, Muldoon. Even using the word, “someone,” suggests that the spath has some sort of feeling by identifying the former victim as a human being.
Once I began using terminology and descriptions that were consistent with spathy, a clearer image began to develop for me. That image was that spaths may have skin, hair, teeth, blood, sinew, and muscularture, but they are, by no stretch of the imagination, “human.” Sure, they cry, they laugh, they rage, but their emotional displays are in direct relation to what they THINK is convincing behavior. I had to remind myself (as my own method of processing) that these people literally have no soul. Even rocks, trees, and clouds have souls, but these Things are voids wrapped in a cloak of human skin. They do deliberate harm with complete malice.
Source targets are just that: targets, bullseyes, lampshades, twigs. Once we’ve chosen to Survive, we are human beings, once again. We are valid. We are valuable. We have purpose. We simply….are.
Hang tight, Muldoon!!! {{{hugs}}}