The two most recent Letters to Lovefraud both had the same theme: Sociopathic men who relentlessly pursued women, proclaiming their love, making glowing promises of a committed relationship. The men pushed for sex, and although the women resisted, eventually, believing they were involved in real romances, the women succumbed to the men’s physical desires. With that, both women were dumped.
Read the letters here:
I met him on Facebook, was used for sex and dumped the next day
I felt bonded, even though this made me nauseated
Both women were astounded at how they were unceremoniously booted. They had a hard time coming to grips with the idea that they’d been used and abused. How could a man say all those wonderful things and not mean them? How could a man who talked so eloquently about love be lying? How could a man paint such a beautiful picture of the future and then discard me? Was there something wrong with me? Wasn’t I sexy enough? Smart enough? Pretty enough?
Both women tried to get answers from the men. The men, however, never admitted the true reason that they did what they did:
They wanted to.
Core of a sociopath
Sometimes it’s hard for us to get our minds around how truly different sociopathic individuals are from the rest of us. This is understandable. After all, 96% to 99% of people are like us—capable of love and consideration.
But that 1% to 4% who are sociopaths—well, they might as well be aliens. These people:
- Feel no empathy at all towards other human beings
- Have no conscience
- Are interested only power, control and sex
This is the core of a sociopath—no empathy, no conscience and desiring only power, control and sex.
Implications
So what does this mean? It means sociopaths feel entitled to take what they want, regardless of how their actions may damage others. It means they get no satisfaction from connectedness with others, they only get satisfaction from winning. It means sociopaths view the world as predators and prey—they are the predators and everyone else is prey.
This is shocking. Mind-blowing. Impossible to understand.
So we cannot try to understand. We can only accept. This is how they are.
They do not want us as lovers, partners, friends or family members. They want power, control and sex.
Hopeforjoy…. My Ex S in the begining was very effectionate. Always wanting to hold my hand in public, always wanting to hold me or patting my behind as he walked passed and he was affectionate if he was grooming me for something. But overall it was not consistant, it was full on or nothing and only when he wanted something.
I had been married for 11 years before my Ex S and I have been with other men and usually after sex a partner still wants to hold you or acknowledge your presents in some way after sex but not the S he would just roll over, nothing! he had got what he had wanted!
So depending on your S’s need for what ever and knowing what you need in able for him to get what he wants would depend on the level of effection but that is the Con! There is nothing real about there feelings toward you even when your heart is racing for them.
Unfortunately Hopeforjoy I couldn’t get mine out of the house in the end it was me that had to leave. It was such a scarey time but the best thing I ever did. Now I know the only scarey thing is him not a life without him. It all worked out in the end.
I also had to sneak out while he was at work. I got a lawyer straight away and went through a horrible time but it was all worth it in the end. My head was spinning at the time and I couldn’t think straight and he tried every trick in the book to make my life a living hell, until he gave up the control and moved away to another victim.
He gave up because he was starting to see something in me that he had not seen for a very long time, strength and support from the people around me and he couldn’t stand that. My strength wasn’t real tho at the time but I didnt want him to see me as vonerable and scared anymore and it worked. Good luck, stay strong 🙂
Henry:
Yes.
I saw the news coverage, and I was concerned about you.
I’m glad to see that you are safe.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GDfsTplafzg
Donna:
I agree with your post (almost) entirely.
My personal experience and research also shows three elements of the sociopaths but I have categorized it slightly differently. I believe sociopaths want (in no particular order)
1. Power/control (I consider this one and the same)
2. Sex
3. Money/materialism/possessions
Peggywhoever
Hi Rosa We had 37 tornado’s in the state Monday. They touched down all around me, severe damage just a few miles from here, glad to have my electric back, I have been using oil lamps and candles..thanks Rosa.
well just to further elaborate on those kind of creeps you meet online…for exmaple or a recent example.. i met a guy the other day off the internet.. we went to a movie…he was young about 21….hung out talked a bit after and said maybe we’d hang out another day….so he texted me a few times.. never mentioned sex or anything….and the next day he texted me asking if i was doing anything.. i said no and if he wanted to hang out.. ie i meant platonically or just ‘hang out’….he said well what do u want to do.. i said well we could go to the mall, or get something to eat…or just hang out…talk….heck no…these people are so awful that if they dont get something sexual immediately they are gone….it’s so scary….so he texted me then and said…”so u wanna get drinks and come to my place or”?? i said..well….i just want to let you know im not looking for sex….since it seemed that’s what he was implying.. i said just looking to hang out as friends and see where it goes–which is the normal way of doing things.. he replied “well im not really looking for that either, i wasnt sure which way u were going”….I said i’d call him when i got home….after i mentioned i wasn’t looking for ‘sex’…i called and he didnt answer, and no reply from text…so scary how these people are…and this isnt a one time occurrence…has happened many many times….someone else i met last week same story…2nd time we met up after chatting (at least he was decent enough to chat first)…then was trying to say “well are u interested in dating me” i said well i dont really know u well enough to know….? i mean yes possibly…then he was trying to again…touch me or something….get some kind of touching/hugging/ going which isnt bad ie hugging but its the implication that they really just want sex…and if they dont get any touching immediaetly…they’ll bail…and that’s exactly what he did….he wanted to hang out again but suddenly made a weird excuse and bailed…. these people arent even interested in friendships or anything.. just using women they meet online…as a one time sexual encounter and literally bailing and never talking to that person again ie disappearing…..that’s why its so important to keep your guards up….also remember that this is how most of these creeps and low lifes function and what they generally expect from women they meet online.. they think everything else..hanging out…movies, dates.. are ‘between the lines’ adn raelly its all about sex….to me they are such weirdos and its a shame that this is how this society functions nowadays….which makes it so hard to meet normal people, guys anyone…..or genuine people at least….
Iwonder–just read your post and yeah that’s how they are….they’re just narcissists mostly looking for sex…and will get it from as many people as possible…they’re getting it anywhere they can….and if they meet women on the net, they are answering every woman’s ad…basically…and trying to get sex from anyone…..I’ve met guys on the net..only later to get phone calls from wives…one who claimed her husband was a child molestor and was going to go to court for molesting their daughter….another emailed me claiming my phone # was in her boyfriend’s phone….and I had to explain to her what happened ie that we just hung out went on a date that’s it….but of course that he’s a cheater, because he’s meeting women online..she ended up breaking up with him rightfully so….but he emailed me saying i breached his privacy and his gf was a snoop and went through his phone–pathetic…. the losers u meet online for the most part….are really sick people….and they are mostly online for one reason.. unless they’re paying for some dating site where they legitimately advertise long term relationship….they just awnt to get sex from anyone they can….everyone….they have no standards either….most are just flat out predatory and up front….getting drinks and going to their house….getting someone drunk…hey come over to my place…or i can come to your place….I used to be naive and think…oh cool yeah let’s talk, hang out…etc…but no one means talk..or hanging out…they think that’s an open invitation for sex…it’s just so weird to me…as it seems so abnormal to want to meet someone just for sex…and throw in weird suggestions to try to get people drunk…it’s disgusting…and if you don’t agree with that….well there’s something wrong with you…of course (according to those idiots)… I never bring someone to my house, or go to their house and if i do i make it clear it’s platonic…but these people are really just abuot “hey let’s get to your house so i can get laid get what i want bail and you’ll probably never hear from me again”….but thanks for giving it up… I never even consider doing anything sexual with anyone i’ve met online….or dating them because not only are they not interested in dating, they only want sex….and will get it from anyone they can get it from.. one person even said to me “it’s the internet..why else would u be meeting”?? its just so creepy…not sure what has happened to this society except lack of morals completely and total sick anarchy and deviancy….and a bunch of jerks creeps and perverts and psychopaths…
Melissa,
I’m with you on the “what has happened to society” feelings. Although, on places like LF, I find some people who are genuine and their help and advice makes me cry (happy tears) because they really understand. Here are loving and caring people who ‘get it’. Unfortunately, you have to be on your guard in any situation when deciding to trust people.
When I was dating, about 20 years ago, I found some of the same behaviors in the guys I went out with. On tried to force me to give him oral sex (a guy from high school) when I gave him a ride home. Someone else tried to get me drunk and get it on, one had a little love nest with candles and started playing Sade on the stereo, (I got outta there). I’ve had to complain to H.R. at work because a security guard said he could do something to me and no one would know. My dads friend offered me pot (I was 15 on a family vacation) and he was 40 something while riding in his car. At least my dad listened to me and I wasn’t alone with him again. A male doctor felt me up during a visit for a cold, I was 15 then too. Every one of them, perverts.
With some of these people they are really selfish and want sex just because they think they can get it. They are completely jerks and you deserve better than that. What makes them behave this way? God only knows. I feel sorry for them because they don’t get it and will never get it. We can’t change them and their preditory ways, but if you listen to your instincts, and you are good at that, you will be able to weed out the creeps. It’s too bad that you have to go through so many idiots first.
It is possible to meet someone worthwhile, and I don’t think all guys are like that. I have some friends who have been married for 20 years and are still happy together. It’s not utopia, but they respect and love each other. Stick with your friends and have fun with the people who love you and people that you trust.
Sometimes I think the jokes on us for wanting something real.
Rosa, I’m so glad that you’re okay!!!!!
I’m new to this blogging thing and have discovered that this website is VAST to say the least. I’ve been reading some of the older articles, which are incredibly helpful, but will ask my question here since it seems to be one of the only currently operating posting places where I might get an answer. I don’t think this question really fits with the topic of this particular thread but am hoping maybe somebody can direct me to another thread or another blog or perhaps some good books that deal with this subject. Here goes:
Aside from my experience with the sociopathic husband back in the 1970’s, there was another sociopath in my life — an uncle (mother’s sister’s husband) who preyed on my sister and me when we were children. I understand that not all pedophiles are necessarily sociopaths and I’m not absolutely sure whether this man is or not. I haven’t really processed this experience as well as I have the experience with the ex-husband, who I do not doubt is a sociopath. I always do a better job coping with things emotionally if I can get some intellectual understanding about it. Just like reading about sociopathy being a neurological disorder where their brains are wired differently and the part of the brain that produces conscience and empathy is nonfunctional — that was a huge breakthrough for me in letting go of the last vestiges of bitterness that I was still hanging onto (hanging onto it unconsciously, I might add). I work as a transcriptionist for a neuropsychologist, which is the science of brain-behavior relationships, and I’m very familiar with the concept of how damage in different parts of the brain can cause behavioral aberrations in the injured person. So I came to see my ex-husband as more of a shark-person and realized that it’s silly to let myself be eaten up by hatred for a shark who just does what a shark does. And it helped me understand the paramount importance of just staying out of the shark’s territory if I didn’t want to get eaten alive!
I have greatly appreciated reading some of OxDrover’s comments about the importance of giving up the bitterness. Sometimes actually doing this is easier said than done, but I discovered a healing analogy a few years ago that really helped me. Maybe you all have heard of it, it’s called “Trapping Monkeys”:
In the wild when people want to trap monkeys, they will place some aromatic fruit in a vessel with a small hole for an opening, just big enough for the monkey’s paw to reach through but not big enough for the monkey to get her hand back out while clutching the fruit. The monkey will grasp the fruit and, even though she can hear the hunter coming to capture or kill her, she will not let go of the fruit and thus free herself. In this way, she meets her doom.
So please know, dear fellow travelers, that is is possible to let go of the bitter fruit of rage and hatred we’ve all felt regarding our unfortunate experiences with sociopaths. In fact, it’s imperative that we do let it go, it’s the only way to go on living.
With gratitude for all of your gifts of shared wisdom,
Jeanne
I am having a crisis of the spirit.. My Dad triggers all these negative feelings in me.. when he dismisses me as nothing to him.. and it takes such a toll..
Why do I care what he thinks? Why do need his love and appoval and to feel apart of him? I rarely have.. and my sisters and I are very different.. they don’t want to talk about it much.. I have one sister that is bi-polar and she is nice but she can’t handle stress, another sister is like a zombie and another drinks lots.. I am the emotions in the family.. the one that calls it out and expresses.. and I am not around them much as I live in another town.. but when I interact and certain things happen .. I emote and no one wants to hear it.. they just want to brush it under the carpet.. I will never get what I want from my Dad or how I would hope a relationship with a father might be.. he is shallow and sees me as a object daughter.. so why am I still so hurt when he says and acts this way? Why can’t I let it go? Am I crazy, flawed, insane, or what?