The two most recent Letters to Lovefraud both had the same theme: Sociopathic men who relentlessly pursued women, proclaiming their love, making glowing promises of a committed relationship. The men pushed for sex, and although the women resisted, eventually, believing they were involved in real romances, the women succumbed to the men’s physical desires. With that, both women were dumped.
Read the letters here:
I met him on Facebook, was used for sex and dumped the next day
I felt bonded, even though this made me nauseated
Both women were astounded at how they were unceremoniously booted. They had a hard time coming to grips with the idea that they’d been used and abused. How could a man say all those wonderful things and not mean them? How could a man who talked so eloquently about love be lying? How could a man paint such a beautiful picture of the future and then discard me? Was there something wrong with me? Wasn’t I sexy enough? Smart enough? Pretty enough?
Both women tried to get answers from the men. The men, however, never admitted the true reason that they did what they did:
They wanted to.
Core of a sociopath
Sometimes it’s hard for us to get our minds around how truly different sociopathic individuals are from the rest of us. This is understandable. After all, 96% to 99% of people are like us—capable of love and consideration.
But that 1% to 4% who are sociopaths—well, they might as well be aliens. These people:
- Feel no empathy at all towards other human beings
- Have no conscience
- Are interested only power, control and sex
This is the core of a sociopath—no empathy, no conscience and desiring only power, control and sex.
Implications
So what does this mean? It means sociopaths feel entitled to take what they want, regardless of how their actions may damage others. It means they get no satisfaction from connectedness with others, they only get satisfaction from winning. It means sociopaths view the world as predators and prey—they are the predators and everyone else is prey.
This is shocking. Mind-blowing. Impossible to understand.
So we cannot try to understand. We can only accept. This is how they are.
They do not want us as lovers, partners, friends or family members. They want power, control and sex.
Yea, EB, you know you and I are “poster children” for screwed up family and x’s! LOL But I feel kind of like the Ugly Duckling in the fairy tale! I’ve come out a swan!
I’m the mean black swan….that’ll peck you and chase ya if you get near her territory.
🙂
At one point I was sleeping beauty…..in reverse!
🙂
About momma. This last guy I was with lives with his parents and he is 39 years old. He is glued to his mother. I think it’s a little creepy at that age that your mom washes your underwear. He made a comment once about how his mom wonders why he doesn’t have stains in his underpants like his dads when she does the laundry. That remark made me a little ill. Mom is building a garage with an apartment above it for him to live in. She will never let go.
Jeanne, I wasn’t offended by your opinion, in the least. The ex spath despised his mother for various transgressions – most of them (if not, ALL) were either embellished or utterly fabricated. The “reason” that the ex spath hated his mother was because she refused to allow him to abuse her in the same manner that the ex spath’s father had. She held him accountable and, when he didn’t straighten up, she sent him to his father – God bless her.
If someone despises a family member, there may be a valid reason and, then again, there may not. Where I failed in choosing the ex spath was that I didn’t know what boundaries were, much less how to maintain them. It’s imperative that children learn boundaries from the outset. Sadly, today’s society doesn’t recognize boundaries, even up through the Court Systems. There are no boundaries, just excuses.
Some of them love their mothers other hate them.. I am not sure that this is defining.. My last one adored his mother and I like her also.. but he she made choices when he was a child that I am sure contributed to his behaviors as an adult.. and I dated two men that hated their mothers.. and they were weird..
I have a love hate relationship with my Dad… so who knows exactly what creates a sociopath.. I think it is more than mother and father interaction.. but that it can contribute..
Some mothers and fathers.. it is healthy to not like them..when someone treats you badly, abusively, tries to control your life.. of course, you don’t like them unless, you are ‘crazy’ it is highly complex..
When I feel charitable towards my father and forgive him.. I feel more solid inside..
Everyone on this planet is damaged and eveyone is trying to find a way to cope.. it’s just the sociopaths are out for themselves and users and care not whom they hurt, destroy or what destruction is let in their wake as long as their immediate or long term needs are met.. EGO needs.. isn’t the worse of evil, the loss of empathy towards your fellow man and the ability to act on it.. Look at Hitler.. etc….
Outlier and Sytle — I had the same thing, regarding the energy of the evil sibling, and their early manifestations of the evil !!
My elder brother, from the very start, was into hurting me and being manipulative. It was innate, there’s no question in his case. So before we were even old enough to talk, he had wanted to abuse me. When he threw that phone on me in the crib, he wasn’t more than 2 years old. And that’s just the incident my family remembers, I’m sure they were blind to less exaggerated offenses.
Once we were old enough to talk, I felt the sick energy, I already felt frustrated and hurt. I knew he was twisting everything, and my twisted parents were buying into it, rewarding it, loving it, protecting it. It was freaky even to my 3 year old self, I just didn’t get that my parents weren’t right in the head. I felt confused and oppressed by it all, even if I couldn’t put words on it then.
One of my early memories is listening to my dad tell my brother that he was so clever at a game we were playing. My brother had been cheating, and he just smiled at me because he knew he had duped my dad, got the praise we both wanted, and that he hurt me in the process. We were like 4 and 5 years old! And I felt sorry for him, I wanted to help him, and I always loved him, lost my childhood wishing he would love me back 🙁 Even when he used to beat me up, I’d tell my parents he didn’t do anything wrong, so that he wouldn’t get in trouble. Then again, when I did start telling them, they didn’t do a damn thing to stop it. He was their little N supplier, their beloved blue-eyed boy.
The S psychiatrist you talked about Style makes me feel exhausted and disturbed. I mean, this describes everyone I ever went to for help – they loved the fact that I ran to them, they loved that I had no one to turn to, and that they could victimize me too. These people put themselves in positions where they can victimize the vulnerable. It’s hell being an outcast with no one to protect you, so I pray all the time for a stronger social network, or just a new family through marriage, and try to build one without much success yet.
Psyche
Jeanne, you better believe it’s okay to see a red flag when I guy hates his mother. You are right, sometimes that IS a huge indicator. It just depends on the guy though, he could just be like many of us here, who had crap for parents, but is getting over it. That said, my parents were raging narcissists, but I don’t hate them. A narcissist will continue to hate his parents, blame everyone but himself for his troubles, and never get to a place of balanced acceptance. He’ll fake having all the balance in the world though, that’s for damn sure. Tricky little bastards.
The last guy I dumped hated his mother. Turns out she had a bunch of the traits that I possess, and guess what, this guy had a bunch of traits that my father possessed (loads of empty charm, first and foremost) – many people are drawn to potential ‘partners’ who will cause them to confront the issues that they had with their parents. I know that’s why I went straight for an Spath/N lover. In my adult ‘romantic’ (ha ha) relationship, I had to learn about the nature of the fake love my N parents had given me all along, the fake love that had kept me hostage as their supplier, and completely drained my vitality. My unmet needs for parental love, my under-developed sense of self-worth, and my ignorance of what real love is supposed to be like made me desperate for the fraudulent love that my Spath was offering, not to mention an easy target. Good times!
To put it another way, if a guy hates his mom, he can hate you too, and he could try to work out all of his mommy issues on you, regardless of how innocent or guilty his mom may actually be. There’s some kind of natural law at work on this one. don’t know if I explained myself very well on this one, but just wanted to put it out there.
Psyche
Unresolved family issues are a red flag. Mine x-spat Jamie hated his father who abandoned him in early childhood. When his father was terminally ill, he did not visit him and when his father died, he refused to go to the funeral. To this day, he harbors a grudge against his father.
Many are unfortunate to have parents and siblings who mistreated or abused them. However, to be a fully healed adult, it is paramount to understand and process the feelings resulting from the abusive behavior. Holding a grudge, hating, etc., indicates an individual is not healed from the experience and is probably toxic at best.
This is why I refuse to hate or even speak particularly badly of Jamie. Hate is toxic and I saw what that did to me. I don’t want to be hateful and toxic; I want to be healed.
Thanks to you all for being so tolerant of my comment about not dating men who hate their mothers. I still think it was too flippant for me to say it like that, it’s a lot more of a complicated issue as you all are revealing. My spath husband was always raging against his mother, blaming her for all his problems in life, and he was very cruel to her in person and would often reduce her to tears. But I never heard anything specific from him about what she had done that was so horrible. When I finally got to know her, I realized what a wonderful person she was and I loved her very much. One time she spent the night with us and came to me the next morning with tears in her eyes, apologizing for what her son was doing to me because she had heard the sounds of “torture” in the next room during the night. I could tell that she was suffering terribly to think that she had produced such a son. If only I had had access to information back then to share with her like what is available on this website, it would have saved us both so much heartache.
behind blue eyes, I’m with you on this one. i’m still processing the rage and hurt i suppressed during about 40 years of abuse, but hating is not the answer. it never will be, and being with someone who hates his mother would be toxic. it just means there are issues he’s got to work through, and hasn’t. i have felt hatred towards my abusers many times, but when I process it, i can feel the toxicity evaporating….
psyche