The two most recent Letters to Lovefraud both had the same theme: Sociopathic men who relentlessly pursued women, proclaiming their love, making glowing promises of a committed relationship. The men pushed for sex, and although the women resisted, eventually, believing they were involved in real romances, the women succumbed to the men’s physical desires. With that, both women were dumped.
Read the letters here:
I met him on Facebook, was used for sex and dumped the next day
I felt bonded, even though this made me nauseated
Both women were astounded at how they were unceremoniously booted. They had a hard time coming to grips with the idea that they’d been used and abused. How could a man say all those wonderful things and not mean them? How could a man who talked so eloquently about love be lying? How could a man paint such a beautiful picture of the future and then discard me? Was there something wrong with me? Wasn’t I sexy enough? Smart enough? Pretty enough?
Both women tried to get answers from the men. The men, however, never admitted the true reason that they did what they did:
They wanted to.
Core of a sociopath
Sometimes it’s hard for us to get our minds around how truly different sociopathic individuals are from the rest of us. This is understandable. After all, 96% to 99% of people are like us—capable of love and consideration.
But that 1% to 4% who are sociopaths—well, they might as well be aliens. These people:
- Feel no empathy at all towards other human beings
- Have no conscience
- Are interested only power, control and sex
This is the core of a sociopath—no empathy, no conscience and desiring only power, control and sex.
Implications
So what does this mean? It means sociopaths feel entitled to take what they want, regardless of how their actions may damage others. It means they get no satisfaction from connectedness with others, they only get satisfaction from winning. It means sociopaths view the world as predators and prey—they are the predators and everyone else is prey.
This is shocking. Mind-blowing. Impossible to understand.
So we cannot try to understand. We can only accept. This is how they are.
They do not want us as lovers, partners, friends or family members. They want power, control and sex.
okay.. but when I am upset with my Dad.. because of his verbal abuse and venting it.. it does’nt mean that am blaming him.. but searching in myself it find the answers as to why I keep bringing men to me that emotionally abuse me like my father does.. I want to heal it and get past it.. and talking about it helps…
Most in my family don’t want to address it.. they want to drink, shop or go on a trip.. or just ignore it..
My pscholigsit sister is the worst and yes, as a child, she would cry at the drop of a hat to get out of trouble..
I am trying to see clearly and to live clearly..
My bi-polar sister tells me that I need to get past it and to not blame Dad for my troubles..
Well, he is to blame for some of them… the way I look at men etc..
Does that make me a narcissist looking at it that way at times?
We thow these titles around like nothing and that is what my ‘evil’ pschologist sister does.. she has affairs with married men ,, with clients, with my first husband, yet she tries to make me out to be the ‘problem’.. why becasue I point things out..
I am the ‘weird’ one in my family.. I am not an alcoholic.. I workout ,.. I live away from the family.. sure, I need them at times.. but I can go lengthy tiems with no contact.. and have put up with emotionaly abuse that might crash many….
Just thinking here…
Dear Style,
You say you “need” your family at times—define that for me please. Is it you borrow money from them or favors? If so, my take is that you are buying these “favors” by allowing them to abuse you.
I personally am 100% responsible for my own financial well being, so I do NOT “need” to depend on others for favors. In fact, before I woujld askk a favor of someone who treated me like you describe your father treatsw you, I would live in a card board box and eat out of a dumpster. My egg donor is quite a bit better off financially than I am but even if I desperately needed money, I would NOT ask or accept money from her because she uses that “favor” to buy CONTROL over me. I OWE HER, so therefore she can do or say any nasty thing to me she wants to. NAH!!!!!!
After my husband died, egg donor kept asking me if I needed money and I kept saying “No” and I was doing fine really, because I have worked hard to be come INDEPENDENT financially. She was actually uipset with me because I didn’t take it. Why? Because if I did not take her money she had no “legitimate” claim to be hateful to me. LOL
My oldest son C came home to live a year and a half ago, he paid rent and board and did his share of the household work. That is the RULE at my house for anyone who lives here. MY house, MY rules! Then about Christmas last year, he LIED TO ME. Nothing big, just a lie to cover up something he had done that was something he had made a promise about. I found out, I confronted him, there was nothing but excuses and blame , so I told him he had to leave.
The rule in MY HOUSE is that we do NOT lie to each other, AT ALL. We do NOT treat each other with poor manners. We are not disrespectful to each other, when there is a problem, we sit down and discuss it in a manner that is respectful and can resolve the disagreement. HE VIOLATED THOSE RULES. He could no longer live here.
There is an old saying that reverses the Bible’s golden rule and it is ‘HE WHO HAS THE GOLD MAKES THE RULES.” So if you want a favor from me, I MAKE THE RULES. So by asking favors of your family, you are allowing them to set the rules, and their rules are “we will demean you, humiliate you, and emotionally abuse you” and if you want favors from us in the future, you will continue to allow us to do this.
I know it hurts you when your father is abusive of you, and demeans you, because you have told us here how it makes you feel and that you cannot please him. So, again, I ask, what are YOU getting out of this relationship that makes you feel so bad? You admit you can’t please him, you admit he makes you hurt and seems to enjoy doing this, your sisters are dishonorable and dishonest women who sleep with other women’s husbands, so what is it you GET out of being around this king of person?
My egg donor is a control freak, she is an enabler, she is a liar, she demeans and devalues me and I canot please her. So I would want to be around her for WHAT? NOTHING. Absolutely nothing. My life is fine now that she is out of it. It hurt to admit to myself that she was/is all those things, and a fake christian and probably never loved me, but it is the TRUTH.
The truth will set you free, but first it will pith you off!
Think about it. Their problems are theirs, but the hurt they keep inflicting on you is because YOU ALLOW it by continuing to associate with them even if it is just once in a while. NO CONTACT is the only way to rid ourselves of the problems with toxic people.
ps style, you say when your father is nasty to you that you are “not blaming him” for his behavior? WHY are you not holding him RESPONSIBLE for his behavior? He has a choice to be nice or nasty to you and for some reason he choses to be nasty. That is not okay! You do not DESERVE to have him be nasty to you. You deserve respect. But you ACCEPT abuse. Why? Why do you think it is OK for him to abuse you because he is your father, or old? Why is it OK for anyone to abuse you, demean and devalue you? That’s the big question.
I too ALLOWED abuse from my family because I thought that was somehow OK, that I didn’t deserve better, so I woujld try harder to be “good” to them, show them how much I loved them. But the abuse continued because I allowed it.
When I stopped allowing it they became angry, but you know what. I set boundaries. The boundary was “If you want to be in my life, you must treat me as well as I treat you.” I stopped allowing anyone to abuse me. PEACE, LOVE AND JOY filled in the holes they left when I cut them out of my life. A good exchange.
Hi Style, I didn’t have a chance to read what OxD said, but wanted to just put something I said in different words, in case it can help.
First, just like every child that was ever born, you needed love from your parents. You needed the real deal, and it sure doesn’t sound like you got it. And yeah, I love my N father, and I can see he made mistakes with me because his dad hurt him.
The bottom line is that if you have an unmet need for real parental love, an N father can’t help with that. He can’t even help himself. It puts all the burden on you to figure out how to love yourself, to fill up that hole in your heart (the one that you may have tried to fill by being in relationships with men who have your father’s qualities).
And if you want to blame your dad for the trouble he’s caused, that’s really healthy, because he did cause them. BUT, later on when things become more clear in your own heart and head, you may be ready to separate your issues from the people who embody them, you may be able to process all the hurts you suffered, and heal, letting go of specific anger or hurt caused by a specific person.
But yes, when people hurt you, they are wrong to do it. You have a right to say no to it. You have the right to call a spade a spade. BUT will that get you where you want to go with your dad? If he’s a real N, the sad answer is no.
Trying to right all of the wrongs he did by getting him to give what he can’t give (real love) will be like fighting with a shadow. Trying to get an N to see themselves, and to correct themselves will wear you out, and the shadow you punch won’t feel a thing, it’ll keep dancing around, mocking your every effort, and calling you every bad name in the book for trying. An full blown N can’t heal, they can’t really be sorry, because they can’t ever see themselves. They’ll just see you as a problem, because you get in between them and their beloved illusions about themselves. They always have to be right. They’ll only say they’re sorry for something if it allows them to manipulate you, they wont mean it. 🙁
But get angry if you never really have and you feel ready for it. Let that stuff loose, erupt like a volcano if you need to. It’s cathartic, and it’s completely 100% justifiable (just don’t hurt anyone when you do it, not that I think you would). I just started letting the rage loose, after I spent my whole life surrounded by people who wanted nothing more than to tell me why I shouldn’t be upset. They wanted me to just let things go, sweep them under the rug, keep the peace by keeping silent. That’s Wrong. They were wrong… it’s just that they weren’t ready to wake up to the truth about themselves, or the Ns they ‘need’.
I was mistaken to think that I could get them to wake up and correct themselves. That battle has to be theirs, they get to wake up in their own time, just like we did. People need their candy-coated illusions.
It’s like the Matrix, no one’s going to wake up until they’re ready. And it really is a rude awakening, to find out your life, the love you gave, was given to people who can’t love. If you haven’t seen the Matrix, try thinking of yourself as the person who wants to turn on the light. Anyone who still wants to keep sleeping is either going to throw a pillow at you, or put the pillow over their heads to block out the light. In either case, you will be the bad guy, the one who’s ignored, etc. Trying to wake them up makes them reject the truth even more.
I’m not sure all of this fits your case, and if it doesn’t help, I’m sorry. If you’ve discovered the truth, and it isolates you from your family, it is indeed a special kind of hell, but then Churchill used to say that “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” You can get better, but it’s going to take some time, not to mention loads of strength and courage.
Hugs,
Psyche
Sorry Style, I meant to say one last thing – the battle you have in front of you will actually need to take place inside of you. You’re the only person in your family who is ready to change, and no matter what, you can at least change yourself and what you allow in your life, in your thoughts, in your heart.
Psyche
All healthy people have a need for family… I need my Dad at times, because he is my Dad.. I had surgery earlier this year and it made me have a need to be nurtured and I reached out and at times I got it.. And at times, not..
THat is healthy.. I get angry when appropriate and thrive in the nurturing when appropriate..
And yes, it is the battle in me.. to step away when I am triggered and to see it for what it is…and to let is go and to forgive..
This ‘no contact’ is appropriate in and for some situations but not all.. I personally think if someone doesn’t have any interaction with their family of origin that this can be a negative thing… and cause distortions… and is a red flag … you can learn alot from family interactions.. and avoidance can be a sign of something not so good..
At times, I feel comfort from my family .. why should I not have that in my life.. and when I forgive and see them in their positive and negatives is when I feel best..
When my Dad annilhates me with his words.. it is really more about him and his demons.. and I see that but it still hurts at times.. as I can’t understand his ability to say such hateful things ..
And they hurt me..
I am the one that triggers change and most in my family don’t like me for it..
Then Dad states that I tell him the truth and am always correct.. he doesn’t like me telling the truth.. and I am a truth teller…
I just need to pull into me.. and not let him throw me off center .. and I do that most always.. but when I am in a weakened state get hit worst.. and that is where I am a bit now..
No Contact can be avoidance and like the socio does.. as a form of punishment.. I don’t play those games.. my Dad does…
When he is sick .. I will visit .. I will nurture.. he is my Dad…
Psyche .. I agree with what you wrote..
And I get it.. I am going through a bad patch because I feel weakened.. and it’s the sends me flowers and is sweet then when I disagree with him instead of talking or discussing.. he threatens and is beyond hatefull.. he is a narcissit for sure…
I’m very sorry Style, I don’t think I helped at all. I hope that you can find what you need to feel better soon.
Psyche
Dear Style,
I think healthy people do need family, but “family” is not always healthy. “Families” who are destructive, demeaning, devaluing, emotionally abusive, physically abusive, etc. I do not IN MY OPINION think are healthy to be around. AT ALL.
Sure, it is very difficult to detatch from someone you WANT TO LOVE, that you DO LOVE, the problem is that when the person you are related to by DNA is a narcissist or a psychopath who deals out as much pain as anything else, we each have to decide “is it worth it?” Obviously you have decided to continue a relationship with your father and to accept the abuse (which you say hurts you) to get any crumbs of affection. I decided the fake crumbs of affection were just that, FAKE and that I would rather not have the illusion of love and caring, when it was not real, not healthy.
And boy does it HURT when you realize that the people you love don’t love you back, aren’t able to love you back. It hurts badly, and it hurts a long time, but as long as I was filled with the pain of their UN-love, I didn’t have room for loving myself, and loving those that do love me and treat me with love, nurturiing and respect. I FOUGHT a long time before I finally gave up and saw and accepted the truth.
There were people who told me my egg donor was/is toxic but I didn’t want to believe it. She isn’t a psychopath per se, but she behaves like one in her toxic enabling. She justifies what she does to punish me for not being controlled by her. She’s never acknowledged that I am a competent adult, and it never dawned on her that she would not control my every thought until the day she died. But she is no longer in control of me. I am. And I realize that her lack of nurturing for me, her lack of love for me, and her abusive treatment of me is not something I gain anything by just in order to have a “relationship” with her. FOR ME, I am much better off without her. She lives just across the pasture from me, but it might as well be the far side of the moon. NO contact.
Psyche,
yes.. it all helps..what everyone writes helps…
But the deal is that my Dad is a narcissit and I bring narcissistic men to me because that is the pattern that I have in me..
And I pay my own way. And it matters not if I have money or not.. Dad’s interaction can be nice or vile… I drlaw men to me that ‘try’ to take advantage of me.. But I cut it off soon.. it is like a hole that they think they can crawl in but i block it..
And that is what my Dad does.. like pointing out the pimple on my nose …
I am just looking at it hard just now.. because of something that he said to me that was just plain cruel.. and after further investigation I found that it most probably was because of something that occurred in his life and he took it out on me..
I am so overly responsible and perfectionist type that is reeks..
So I am going shopping…. I need to loosen up and have some fun! I am tired of being so intense on myelf trying to be so ‘perfect’ and respsonsilbe.. I am tired of criticism .. when I don’t deserve it..
I am going to run and play now…
LOL!!!