The two most recent Letters to Lovefraud both had the same theme: Sociopathic men who relentlessly pursued women, proclaiming their love, making glowing promises of a committed relationship. The men pushed for sex, and although the women resisted, eventually, believing they were involved in real romances, the women succumbed to the men’s physical desires. With that, both women were dumped.
Read the letters here:
I met him on Facebook, was used for sex and dumped the next day
I felt bonded, even though this made me nauseated
Both women were astounded at how they were unceremoniously booted. They had a hard time coming to grips with the idea that they’d been used and abused. How could a man say all those wonderful things and not mean them? How could a man who talked so eloquently about love be lying? How could a man paint such a beautiful picture of the future and then discard me? Was there something wrong with me? Wasn’t I sexy enough? Smart enough? Pretty enough?
Both women tried to get answers from the men. The men, however, never admitted the true reason that they did what they did:
They wanted to.
Core of a sociopath
Sometimes it’s hard for us to get our minds around how truly different sociopathic individuals are from the rest of us. This is understandable. After all, 96% to 99% of people are like us—capable of love and consideration.
But that 1% to 4% who are sociopaths—well, they might as well be aliens. These people:
- Feel no empathy at all towards other human beings
- Have no conscience
- Are interested only power, control and sex
This is the core of a sociopath—no empathy, no conscience and desiring only power, control and sex.
Implications
So what does this mean? It means sociopaths feel entitled to take what they want, regardless of how their actions may damage others. It means they get no satisfaction from connectedness with others, they only get satisfaction from winning. It means sociopaths view the world as predators and prey—they are the predators and everyone else is prey.
This is shocking. Mind-blowing. Impossible to understand.
So we cannot try to understand. We can only accept. This is how they are.
They do not want us as lovers, partners, friends or family members. They want power, control and sex.
OH MY!!! 🙂
psyche—that is so true and I totally agree..the best way of dealing with them is exactly what you said…that is the only way of really getting them back or doing whatever you can…to deal with the situation…they hate to see people doing well…and will do anything to ruin that and really that’s what most of their behavior has been for– to destroy somene ruin their happiness, self confidence etc…if you can show that you’er doing great without them…you have your own life/plans….and dont respond to tehm, ignore them….then you can find a way to sort of break away or do well…and it is hard to get them back or do anything to them…it is exactly like punching a shadow…it is also really hard to do…and depending on the situation you can use certain tactics, but not really….thanks
shabbyhicic yeah i did write about him and have been for years now… but ‘seeking professional help’ isnt the answer nor is it a nice way of saying things….some people deal with sp’s for many years… and i’m sure most are trying to get help with regards to their situations….anyway they can….professional or non
it makes me sick to hear of parents who have a hold on thieir children…..i dont get why these dysfunctional people get off on dstroying the lives of their own offspring or ruining their life in some form…so many do this and create..more dysfunction and hell….childhood wasnt bad enough btu they even have to bring it out in adulthood….its a sad shame….these kind of people really need to be stopped from destroying the lives of innocent others in this narcissistic and pathetic way….they just dont have that right or place….they shud be ‘parents’ just there to help out not ruin people….
GettingIt
It’s a no win situation, you will be damned if you do, damned if you dont…best bet? put your energy into a plan that can buy you more SECURITY around the visits with the children, so he cannot hurt them. Only when you are happy that your children are safe you can then focus on what it is you want to do with your life. talk here about the options you have, the fears you have and step by step CREATE the life you want….you sound as if your are really mired in deep with HIS WORLD to the exclusion of your own. Hope that can change over time or it may be a losing battle with him. He DOES NOT give a damn , get it!
GettingIt {{gentle hugs}} You’ve had some really good insight and I can only echo it. You are only in control of YOU and what type of care your baby has. If this man fits the profile, only you can decide what to do. I have always found it helpful to base my decisions on past experiences with the spath in question. If he is violent, developing an exit strategy is imperative. http://www.ndvh.org has resources in every state (and, international connections) that can help execute a safe exit.
Bulletproof says it, perfectly: “Only when you are happy that your children are safe you can then focus on what it is you want to do with your life. talk here about the options you have, the fears you have and step by step CREATE the life you want” You either want to live, or you’re content with just existing – only you can determine which path you’ll take.
Brightest blessings to you!
Yeah, Melanie, i mean, the desire for revenge or getting back can be really strong, and it gets you nowhere fast, unless your goal is to save yourself, and to keep your own ‘karma’ as clean as possible. It’s a kind of paradox. Trying to hurt their ‘feelings’ is a waste of time, since they don’t have any. But hurting their addiction to hurting you, oh yes, that is possible. Saving yourself, oh yes, that is possible, too. Do you reclaim your dignity and self-worth in the process of leaving? Yes, you can.
You can be sure that any attempt to do something rotten to them, just to get back, will be used against YOU, it will only harm you. If you don’t take the high road, you will pay even more than you have already. Everyone will see you as the ‘bad guy’, and the abuser will just look like the ‘victim’ – this will prob. happen regardless, but it’ll be worse if you start doing rotten things too. The Spaths are masters at evil, and right now you’re trapped in their freaky hall of mirrors, what can I say? When we’re dealing in evil too, they will win. But they lose *power* over us when we’re doing what’s right for ourselves, which is why they hate it so much when we do.
Anyway, I’m wishing you the best as you try to get yourself to a better place (inside and out). Stay safe, be careful, get yourself out of hell !!!
Psyche
p.s. Ox D – I realized this am that my concern with your call for others to have compassion for Spaths also has something to do with the fact that you do not speak of your ‘momster’ or ‘egg donors’ with compassion. Do you have compassion for them, from a distance, and just haven’t said so?
I actually still love my N father, or at least the person he could have been if he hadn’t been ruined by his father. It’s strange, but I can sometimes see a glimmer of the decent people Ns would have been, if they weren’t Ns. I can see the wounded little boy behind my father’s complete lack of empathy and incredible selfishness. I see the little boy in him that I want to help, but can’t. I can also see the same thing in my ex ‘lover’. Mostly just makes me sad for what could have been better, but can’t be. I can’t really see this with my mom, mostly I’m just embarrassed for her, that she still acts like a histrionic fool at age 67. I suppose I’m still blocked on mommy issues (don’t get me wrong, I’m not asking for advice on this one, just putting it out there).
Like you, Ox, I knew from my dreams at an early age that my mom would never be there to help me. Had a dream that my ceiling was covered in bloody worms, all hanging down and dropping on me, and I screamed for my mother’s help, and she just sat in front of the TV, cackling (sp?) and eating food with her mouth open. Her laugh is a hideous cackle, a desperate cry for attention, she chomps her food so loud you can hear her in another room, for just the same reasons. I told her about the dream I had, and she just changed the subject. I was probably 13 yrs old. Anyway, that’s neither here nor there, I’m off for the weekend.
With regard to “professional help,” I would like to offer this from my personal experience: engagning in counseling isn’t a sin, nor does it mean that Something Is Wrong With ME. It doesn’t mean that I’m insane, either. What engaging in counseling provided for me was an OBJECTIVE ear that could provide useful tools and techniques to help me exorcise my rage, guilt, shame, vengeance, and all of the negative shit that I had allowed to pile up in the middle of my healing path.
If we are obsessed with getting even, obsessed with “outing” the spath, obsessed with triggers, and generally stagnating our own growth and progression, it means that we don’t have the tools and techniques to continue forward on our healing paths. It means that the spath is STILL winning. It means that we are moving away from our potential and into the realm of Bitterness – not a nice place to live out our lives.
Not one of us – no human being – has ALL of the answers or THE ONLY answers. That’s why I sought help – I could no longer manage the triggers, the fury, the obsessions, etc. And, I’m a much healthier person, today. Sure, I still have my moments, and I always will. But, with the tools that I’ve been given, I can repair myself much quicker and get down to the joys of living rather than spend my time fumbling around for the proper tools for the job when I know my toolbox is empty.
Brightest blessings!
btw, Ox, when I ask you have compassion for your parents, I mean it by my definition – which means that you care for them on some level.
For me, compassion does involve and absence of bitterness, but also the presence of care or concern.
I have no compassion for the spaths – just pity. I can’t imagine a world without empathy, remorse, or feeling. What a pitiful existence it has to be.
I have compassion for a porcupine struck down by a truck. I have no compassion for the spath. None.
I have ZERO compassion for my ex spath/narcissist. Some people on here talk about forgiveness a lot but I am just not at that point. My mother was religious and fed that forgiveness and compassion thing to me me whole life. She emotionally abused me so I don’t have any value for anything she had to say. I am still not ready to hear it from others either. AT this point, I don’t want to forgive him. I don’t have compassion for him. I am angry that I gave up my morals to be with him and he discarded me. It was all for nothing. I don’t pity him either. He is evil and I hate evil.