The two most recent Letters to Lovefraud both had the same theme: Sociopathic men who relentlessly pursued women, proclaiming their love, making glowing promises of a committed relationship. The men pushed for sex, and although the women resisted, eventually, believing they were involved in real romances, the women succumbed to the men’s physical desires. With that, both women were dumped.
Read the letters here:
I met him on Facebook, was used for sex and dumped the next day
I felt bonded, even though this made me nauseated
Both women were astounded at how they were unceremoniously booted. They had a hard time coming to grips with the idea that they’d been used and abused. How could a man say all those wonderful things and not mean them? How could a man who talked so eloquently about love be lying? How could a man paint such a beautiful picture of the future and then discard me? Was there something wrong with me? Wasn’t I sexy enough? Smart enough? Pretty enough?
Both women tried to get answers from the men. The men, however, never admitted the true reason that they did what they did:
They wanted to.
Core of a sociopath
Sometimes it’s hard for us to get our minds around how truly different sociopathic individuals are from the rest of us. This is understandable. After all, 96% to 99% of people are like us—capable of love and consideration.
But that 1% to 4% who are sociopaths—well, they might as well be aliens. These people:
- Feel no empathy at all towards other human beings
- Have no conscience
- Are interested only power, control and sex
This is the core of a sociopath—no empathy, no conscience and desiring only power, control and sex.
Implications
So what does this mean? It means sociopaths feel entitled to take what they want, regardless of how their actions may damage others. It means they get no satisfaction from connectedness with others, they only get satisfaction from winning. It means sociopaths view the world as predators and prey—they are the predators and everyone else is prey.
This is shocking. Mind-blowing. Impossible to understand.
So we cannot try to understand. We can only accept. This is how they are.
They do not want us as lovers, partners, friends or family members. They want power, control and sex.
Erin1972, there is no law that says that you “have” to forgive someone for their sins. We are human beings – simple, mortal human beings. I ended up forgiving MYSELF for having chosen the ex spath, and the rest followed on a spontaneous course. Just because I chose to forgive myself, and then others doesn’t mean that I have “compassion” for the, at all.
Like my porcupine thing – the porcupine is in the middle of the road going from Point A to Point B, minding his own business, and doing NO HARM. The spath gets from Point A to Point B using a scythe of deliberate malice and mows down anyone/anything to GET to Point B, without a single thought of the damage that they’ve inflicted.
That’s why I reserve my compassion for the porcupine. 😉
Buttons, I would much rather have compassion for the porcupine too. I am on my way to forgiving myself for getting involved with him. I am still mad at myself and having a hard time with it. I am also furious at him. If the discard hadn’t occurred, I would be a police officer already. Too bad that he didn’t stick around until my training was over and taking care of me like he said. Then maybe I could have discarded HIM after graduation.
You know, I’m sorry, I’m just not done getting stuff out of my system related to the topic of compassion for Spaths.
Ox, you warn people not to get caught up in bitterness, and that is something I agree with 100%. Ego-driven vengeance harms the one who would carry it out, or even entertain thoughts about it.
But I have to draw a line. You tell everyone not to glory in the downfall of an Spath. I could not disagree more. Evil has taken over the decent person that an Spath was supposed to be. Somehow, that person has given a place to evil in themselves, to put it another way.
I would be very happy to see just such a person fail, to fall in one glorious flop. No, that doesn’t mean I want to act out an unhealthy vengeance myself, and no, it doesn’t mean I’m bitter, it means I want what’s good in this life to prevail. The failure of an Spath also means a victory for the very person who has been consumed by evil of sociopathy, namely the Spath himself — because they will have failed to do the harm they set out to do. Failing at evil is a good thing, for the person who might have done the evil. Causing others to fail at evil, by doing what is right, is a very good thing.
Be sure that I am not saying that a bitter desire for vengeance will get anyone anything good. It will not. But a healthy anger can motivate a person to do what is right for themselves, and if they do, that will be one more strike against the evil that threatens them.
Even Spaths and Ns have more respect for people who don’t allow them to get away with their garbage, than the people who do let them. The Spaths and Ns may rail against anyone who defies them, but even they know that they will have more respect for anyone they can’t trap with their games and lies.
The downfall of evil is a good thing, something to be very happy about, on those rare occasions when it actually does happen.
To sum up, bitter, vengeful anger can’t turn the tide, because it is too ego-based. A strike against evil has to be for the ‘greater good’, if it’s really going to work, and have lasting impact.
Because evil can only fail when we harm it out of a desire to strengthen what is good, I think it is a great and glorious thing when it actually works.
Psyche
Psche,
I agree. And further submit that the people who use others will ultimately fail. The stats on what becomes of them in the end are not pretty.
Eventually it all goes badly.
Bitterness kills who owns IT and for my own part, I want to carry nothing around that will do more damage to me than the people who caused me to feel that way.
There is one and only one solution I can see: Let them go. Cut them off. Don’t look back. It is the only survival.
Now, that may involve legal process and other forms of extrication but if that is the way it is, we must proceed with its end in mind.
Let go. Move on.Heal.
Most of us are left without the means to rectify the larger social issues. I can’t and yet every time I see these cases, it does bring home the understanding of what I tangled with and the gratitude that the whole thing went no further than it did.
It does bring home the understanding that in the mind its all more complicated than can be boiled down to cold facts on paper and that subject to interpretation, the water gets muddy.
I wish things were different and that there was a better understanding at large about who these people are and why they do what they do because there are millions of them out there.
Be whole, be true to yourself and keep that clear and beautiful voice which speaks such volumes in your post.
Psyche, you are 100% right about righteous anger – it’s ALLOWED to be angry at someone who has deliberately and maliciously harmed another. Anger, unless strictly managed, can quickly develop into bitterness, and I say this only from my own personal experiences.
I have resigned the fate of all humanity to a higher power – whatever name someone chooses to give it, I believe that there is a Higher Authority that has the final word on what is and isn’t. For me, personally, I have learned that Bad People will experience Bad Things as a result of their own choices and actions. For me to take unnecessary glee in another human being’s downfall would be an empty “victory.” I have engaged in activities that were very, very bad – being coerced by the ex spath into doing those things is NO EXCUSE. I had a choice to stay and go along with the spath program, or leave and face down my fears. Well, I chose to stay, and for that choice, I am responsible. I have chosen to stand accountable for my own actions, and it was one of the most liberating feelings in my life – even more so than when I left the ex spath. I was free of the burden, once and for all, and it was a personal choice, not a mandate by anyone else.
Do all good people who deserve to live a full life get that opportunity? No, they certainly don’t. Some are lost by accidents, others are murdered, and others are taken by disease. Do all bad people deserve to die a horrible death? Certainly, some do….but, in my mind, to exist as a caged animal, ruminating over failed schemes, existing without remorse or conscience, and just taking up space with no positive contribution to the world seems like a living death to me.
I am not privilged to dole out reward or punishment as I see fit, and it’s probably a good thing that I’m not. This, for me, is why I say in my prayers, “Great Creator, see that (whomever) gets what you know they NEED.” When a spath is caught and punished, I don’t take particular delight in it because it is a crying shame that there are people out there who live in that horrible universe. Rather than this human being contributing something positive, they are null and void – they are soul-less – they are non-persons.
These are my very personal views, and I don’t (and, can’t/won’t) expect anyone else to agree with them. It’s just my attempt to offer yet another perspective.
Brightest blessings.
It’s the same ole same ole throughout history. You either follow Jesus (TRUTH and GOODNESS) or you follow Satan (LIES AND EVIL).
Many folks can take the blame why anti-socials are the way they are. 1. The person themselves, 2. Big ego preachers teaching man made logic instead of Jesus’ wisdom. Oh, they throw a few scriptures in here and there to make the congregational followers believe they are being taught Jesus’ truth, but they are being conned and deceived to buy into man made logic. Most preachers wouldn’t know God’s truth if God came down and thumped them in the head. 3. politicians and all those that are in the system … keep society screwed up and they get to keep their jobs until they retire (the old coots). Judges retire at the ages of 80 or 90. Not the little people. They’re forced out to fend for themselves at much younger ages (30 years earlier???). Not all are evil, but many are. The decent folks that try to change this corrupt system are targeted and got rid off … their lives made miserable for doing what is GOOD. Don’t get me started on the old joke about 1,000 attorneys at the bottom of the ocean? A GOOD START. We have PC (political correctness) which forces folks to buy into the garbage that evil is good and good is evil. It’s PC alright, pure crap.
With all this shrouding society … you wonder why the system works for the anti-socials and not the law abiding citizens.
That’s why Jesus tells us to forgive, because in the end, he judges man by how they conducted themselves down here. For every righteous decision we follow through with, we weave our clothe of righteousness. I do believe that means the evil doers down on earth will be butt naked when they meet their maker!
Peace.
Wini – ‘For every righteous decision we follow through with, we weave our clothe of righteousness.’
NICE ONE!
i am very affected by well drawn metaphors; thanks for reminding why I should try to take a clearer, cleaner road, and not get mired down in acting from anger and bitterness.
best,
one step
Hey Psyche..
Yeah I totally agree with what you said… and that is so true…. hurting their addiction to hurting you…that is an awesome statement….again….so hard to do though…or confusing depending on the situation… and yes u are trapped in their hall of mirrors…and its hard to get out…karmically that is true as well but so hard as it seems you have to get your power back in some way though yes it never works….thanks for the input…and all the cool analogies…
with regards to counseling…..therapy is a good thing…and so is getting help….condescendingly telling people they need prof help is kind of rude though…. i’ve been to many therapists though none of who cared to help at all…and its been a dead end….and still searching for a good one.. tryign to find help can be an ordeal and it’s sad for those having to suffer through the ordeals of an sp totally alone….and without help or someone who can help guide them or guide them out fo the situation
righteous decision. yea, that’s what it was. giving up the addiction of him … the endless yearning for the deepest of seductions.
never thought i could quit him. and 22 months NC (but who’s counting), i still miss him so much sometimes. but it’s fleeting. and i understand the sickness in him, and don’t want him anywhere around me.
righteous. courageous.
gave up him, his family, his son, his friends, his world … all of which i was a part of for 25 years. or was i?
the peace and lack of drama in my life without him is worth the occasional longing for something he dreamt up for me. he was a master of illusion — they all are — and i’m no longer ashamed that i was totally immersed in his deep waters. drowning. dying. because i survived. and he’s gone.
my perpetual love and thanks to all of you here who helped and guided me through the hardest of those times.
it’s still hard, but my cloth of righteousness is woven tight. whoever harms another with deceit and malice — and without conscience — is nothing less than human. and when they do it using charm, sexuality, feigned connectedness, love, affection — those things that humans need for survival — they are nothing less than demonic.
angels are we all who have survived them.
Melanie, there should be a regional mental health referral service – that’s how I found my counselor. I spoke to the “intake” person and told them that I needed a counselor/therapist that was familiar with helping victims of spaths cope, and she put me onto the therapist who helped me so temendously.
Perhaps, it isn’t meant to be “rude” when someone suggests the need for professional help. My spouse told me the same thing, “You need help – I can only support you, but you need professional help.” I could have taken that to be condescending, especially since the ex spath used to constantly tell me that it was I who was taking antidepressants and, therefore, it was I who was nuts – talk about triggers? LOL But I listened to the words that my spouse was using. He was 100% right – I DID need help! My reactions to various triggers and my overall outlook was so off-the-hook that everything in my life suffered because I was out of control. My business suffered, my art suffered, my relationships suffered, and so on. I’m grateful that he cared enough about me to say it the way it was.