The two most recent Letters to Lovefraud both had the same theme: Sociopathic men who relentlessly pursued women, proclaiming their love, making glowing promises of a committed relationship. The men pushed for sex, and although the women resisted, eventually, believing they were involved in real romances, the women succumbed to the men’s physical desires. With that, both women were dumped.
Read the letters here:
I met him on Facebook, was used for sex and dumped the next day
I felt bonded, even though this made me nauseated
Both women were astounded at how they were unceremoniously booted. They had a hard time coming to grips with the idea that they’d been used and abused. How could a man say all those wonderful things and not mean them? How could a man who talked so eloquently about love be lying? How could a man paint such a beautiful picture of the future and then discard me? Was there something wrong with me? Wasn’t I sexy enough? Smart enough? Pretty enough?
Both women tried to get answers from the men. The men, however, never admitted the true reason that they did what they did:
They wanted to.
Core of a sociopath
Sometimes it’s hard for us to get our minds around how truly different sociopathic individuals are from the rest of us. This is understandable. After all, 96% to 99% of people are like us—capable of love and consideration.
But that 1% to 4% who are sociopaths—well, they might as well be aliens. These people:
- Feel no empathy at all towards other human beings
- Have no conscience
- Are interested only power, control and sex
This is the core of a sociopath—no empathy, no conscience and desiring only power, control and sex.
Implications
So what does this mean? It means sociopaths feel entitled to take what they want, regardless of how their actions may damage others. It means they get no satisfaction from connectedness with others, they only get satisfaction from winning. It means sociopaths view the world as predators and prey—they are the predators and everyone else is prey.
This is shocking. Mind-blowing. Impossible to understand.
So we cannot try to understand. We can only accept. This is how they are.
They do not want us as lovers, partners, friends or family members. They want power, control and sex.
Lonstingrief, what a beautiful post. you may have become Foundingrief and I hope will remain enlightened. thank you for a powerful message, hope and light at the end of a tunnel.
Silvermoon, OxD, Hens, et al – my feeling abotu “graduating” from the healing path is that it will be a lifelong process for me. Each situation provides one more opportunity for healing and learning whether it’s a positive experience or negative one. The more I learn, the stronger I become and the better my self-esteem develops.
Guys, I think when I got into trouble was when I thought I was “healed” and “over” a problem with someone and then BLAM! out of the blue they (or the next P) “hit me up side da haid” I don’t think healing is a “done deal” we GET BETTER but I don’t think we can ever say we are THERE! It is when we think we are okay that we let our guard down.
You are right, Buttons, the more I learn, the stronger I become. I have been doing “fairly well” and getting on toward “healing” but it is a journey I think not a destination.
Henry, darlink, you are worth pulling out of the pit! You are one of the most genuinely NICE individuals I’ve ever met! And you know I am madly in love with you, sugar! ((((hugs)))) And whether or not you know it, you have done the same for me, because you are honest and forthright!
The thing I think we have to realize, all of us is that WE are the only ones that we have to answer to, not to someone else that tells us how “bad” we are. If they think we are “bad” then they need to move on. We shouldn’t swallow THEIR “assessment” of who and what we are.
Reaching out a hand to someone else who is in the pit, I think helps us to become stronger as well. Plus, I think we “owe” the universe to pass on the support and comfort we have received from others. That’s what good people do, we pay our debts for the help we have received, and maybe we can’t pay it directly back to the person who did it, but we can pay it back by doing the same thing for others. It expands like a ripple on a pond sending out good “vibes” across the waters.
Donna had turned her own personal pain and trauma into something that has helped us all, and how many more? Thousands? We in turn can pass on that gift from Donna to others, here at LF and in RL as well. I know one thing, a zillionn dollars couldn’t buy what I have gotten for FREE HERE! Knowledge and comfort! Support and validation. So what is that “worth” in terms of how much better my life is? I can’t calculate it.
It never even dawned on me that it was a possibility to escape from my egg donor. The chance to get away from that control wasn’t even a thought! I just though I had to endure it, fight it maybe but, eventually give in, give up. NO MORE! NO ONE has the right to use/abuse me. WOW! What a NOVEL CONCEPT! LOL
Lincoln freed the slaves and LF freed ME!
graduation. interesting. i lurk around LF from time to time, trying to post encouragement for those who are writing the same posts i wrote two years ago. i’ll continue to try to help, knowing if it weren’t for ox and henry and shabby and wini and southernman and donna, et al., i don’t think i could have made it out of that damnable spath-fog.
hens: great poem! lol … glad you’re doing well.
shabby: miss you, chicklet!
ox: you’re the matriarch with the mostest. thanks again.
it seems that some of us ‘old-timers’ can be more helpful if others had more direct access. i’d be willing to give donna my personal email if there’s ever anyone who needs someone to talk to in order to make it through a rough patch.
i dunno. does anyone else do this?
lostingrief – i have contact with a few lf folks off forum. it has been invaluable for me. it has given me a place to speak more intimately and candidly, to share specific info. about who the spath is and what she does, to watch how my own fractured trust functions, and to see in myself and others how PTSD affects us.
there are a lot of talented, interesting people on lf. and speaking off forum, i get to see them in a broader way, and hence, can see myself in a way that encompasses the experience of being spathed, does not push it away, but also goes beyond it. not a lot of that in my 3D life. being able to speak/ write offline has both enriched my experience of lf, and my healing journey.
one night, after a particularly nasty spath development – when i couldn’t sleep, i spoke to a lf member for hours (thankfully in a different time zone) …got out of panic, back into my body and life.
so, there’s my testimonial.
gettingit: there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel. i think what helped me most was to ‘not take it personally.’ at first i found this an atrocious concept. it was nothing BUT personal. what he did, what he said, how he lied, how he deceived, was directed at me, my heart, my soul. it was VERY personal.
but then i got real with myself and (grudgingly)acknowledged that he did, in fact, treat everyone the same. no one is special unless they are bending and swaying with his every breath.
the other revelation was uncovering what was wrong within me that made me attracted to an overly-attractive, sexually promiscuous, posturing fraud. i believed that he was an important, larger-than-life man, and he was!, but to whom? giggling young girls? teenage thugs who looked up to him? it never occured to me that his peers and colleagues thought he was a huge asshole.
and his family just went along with him because no one wanted to be on the receiving end of his wrath.
seeing the TRUTH of what and who he truly IS in the world was the biggest turn-off ever. i was completely blind to the truth; they’re that good at creating illusion.
but once you are brave enough to SEE all of this through a VERY objective lens, freedom is just around the corner.
it’s not easy to admit that you were totally duped, doped and dumped — whether in the relationship for 2 months or — like me — 25 years. it is always a long road back to self. their manipulations are insidious.
and while i am still very much recovering from the physical, spiritual, and emotional shock to my entire being, i am at peace in a way i never have been before. i don’t think i will ever judge my worth by what anyone thinks of me again. it was always my albatross, starting with my s/p/n father’s judgement of me. all lies.
stay strong. and don’t be afraid of the underlying truth of it all. that truth contains the kernel of our futures.
one step: how do you share personal information to allow off-forum contact?
lig – when a poster and i decide to get in touch we email Donna and ask her to put us in touch.
i also did a ‘valentine’s card blog’ for lovefraud poster’s in feb., so made an email address specifically for lovefraud posters to send valentine’s wishes to. i posted it here for a couple of days, and never had any problem with getting emails from imposters. i use it for my lf correspondence.
The graduation I am talking about is something all together different than what you guys are talkin about. Sure I will use my education to continue my journey in life, to help others, pay it forward etc. But for me to wake up in the morning with out (him) being the first thing on my mind, and in my mind constantly all day long. Too live my life free of his constant memory is the biggest victory ever. I kinda sorta am already there. I think at 2.5 years, healing from HIM will be done, surviving HIM will close the circle for me….
hens- thanks for your thought. I think what you describe here is a very HUGE part of graduating.
It is a very hard thing to let go and accept- that part of waking up with another person in the incredible fantasy relationship.
Makes me remember those how to get through labor breathing exercises! I have to breathe about remembering because it hurt so much to find out what in fact was true and then to know how little that is and how extensive the lies may be. I really don’t know and likely never will know how ugly the truth is.
Who Who Who!
Its hard. Hard to believe it wasn’t real. Felt like it to me, but I was played back everything I believed as by a mirror so why wouldn’t it? What was really inside him – something entirely different.
Well, I don’t know what it takes to graduate. I consider myself a freshman here.
What is right is real. And there is nothing more than than what is real, right here right now.
And what is so lovely about that is talking here to friends and compatriots who understand.
Good to be here with you. And thanks for sharing your thoughts. Always, the voices here help to clarify my own and like you,
I am grateful to all. You among many.