The two most recent Letters to Lovefraud both had the same theme: Sociopathic men who relentlessly pursued women, proclaiming their love, making glowing promises of a committed relationship. The men pushed for sex, and although the women resisted, eventually, believing they were involved in real romances, the women succumbed to the men’s physical desires. With that, both women were dumped.
Read the letters here:
I met him on Facebook, was used for sex and dumped the next day
I felt bonded, even though this made me nauseated
Both women were astounded at how they were unceremoniously booted. They had a hard time coming to grips with the idea that they’d been used and abused. How could a man say all those wonderful things and not mean them? How could a man who talked so eloquently about love be lying? How could a man paint such a beautiful picture of the future and then discard me? Was there something wrong with me? Wasn’t I sexy enough? Smart enough? Pretty enough?
Both women tried to get answers from the men. The men, however, never admitted the true reason that they did what they did:
They wanted to.
Core of a sociopath
Sometimes it’s hard for us to get our minds around how truly different sociopathic individuals are from the rest of us. This is understandable. After all, 96% to 99% of people are like us—capable of love and consideration.
But that 1% to 4% who are sociopaths—well, they might as well be aliens. These people:
- Feel no empathy at all towards other human beings
- Have no conscience
- Are interested only power, control and sex
This is the core of a sociopath—no empathy, no conscience and desiring only power, control and sex.
Implications
So what does this mean? It means sociopaths feel entitled to take what they want, regardless of how their actions may damage others. It means they get no satisfaction from connectedness with others, they only get satisfaction from winning. It means sociopaths view the world as predators and prey—they are the predators and everyone else is prey.
This is shocking. Mind-blowing. Impossible to understand.
So we cannot try to understand. We can only accept. This is how they are.
They do not want us as lovers, partners, friends or family members. They want power, control and sex.
I got it..
To my Dad, I am a commodity for his narcissitic supply.. when I please him and make him feel good about himself, I am treated nicely and favored.. when I stand up to him, disagree and or point out anything that he doesn’t like, he responds in whatever way that he can to try and annilhate me…
That is the kind of men that I bring to me.. I forget this concerning my Dad.. because of the moments of father/daughter love and kindness.. but that can be easily irradicated by his dismissal or harsh words..
My issue is that I have trouble ‘believing’ that he is ‘really’ this way…
I forget then when it slams me I go reeling…
He is all about his ego, his control, his money, and some woman to be by his side that makes him feel ‘something’ .. to dote on him or whatever and these women now are his daughter’s age so it is pretty obvious and disgusting.. as if one displeases him, they are out.. they use him.. he uses them.. but he can detach and dump them very fast after saying that she is his love..
So, I am watching this BS in my own Dad…
when I was visiting last.. I was out to dinner with Dad,one of my sisters and Dad’s latest ‘girlfriend’ whose age is between me and my sister.. so it looked like and the conversation went like we three girls were together and Dad was kind of in the corner of the booth.. he can’t hear so well if his hearing aids aren’t just so and if there is too much ambient noise.. I would try to include him in the conversation and he would converse for a bit. then the three girls would chat.. I glanced over a him and he was watching me.. and it reminded me of my last ‘bad guy’ how he would watch me..it kind of creeped me out..
Then my sister told me recently she was out to dinner with Dad and one of his attorney’s and he made the statement that he just wanted his girls to be proud of him..
She said that she didn’t say anything but was thinking .. “Yeah, right!”
It is all about him and his ego.. his fragile ego.. and all my life his fragile ego has been projected onto me..
And I have been through so many experinces with men and they all had fragile egos.. and as it turned out I had little respect for a one of them.. as I have respect but not for my Dad..
All I want is for my Dad to see me as a person and to show me so that I can feel that he sees me and cares for me.. I have been told from others how much he thinks of me.. but when I am around him.. I feel like I am negated. He, at times, calls me beautiful.. and he tells me that he loves me.. but he doesn’t seem to appreciate my intelligence, my talents, my morals and what I have accomplished… in fact,he in ways belittles it..
Then at other times, I can feel that he loves me… but that is usually fleeting.. and as an extension of himself..as in bragging about me on some level to someone.
This human being thing is a tedious and interesting experince…
Sometimes, I ‘get’ it then, at other times, I don’t have a frigging clue..
I have lived through what Elizabeth Edwards is.. not in front of the world but in front of a company.. my first husband had an affair with his ordinary, pudgy sec. and had a kid with her.. while I had not a clue.. I was running a ballet school and in the best of shape.. and I held little respect for him as he was always out drinking.. ‘working’ and then I found out that he had been having affairs the whole time we were married.. living a double life.. you see, he told a friend that he was going to marry a wealthy woman.. .. so he did then he used me …
I divorced him.. and I was crushed and devastated.. he pushed the divorce to trial, he was trying to get club memberships, etc.. He thought that he could ‘talk’ his way through anything. But the judge saw right through him. I got everything including some of the debt.. I started an interior design company and handled it all…
and the last thing this man said to me after picking up his things was yelling as he stood at the end do the walk way, “I always loved you!” To which I replied.. “You don’t know what love is!”
I thought after that nightmare that surely the worst in my life was over.. but it was just beginning…
I attract men who want to use me, control me, or benefit from me in some way.. it has repeated this scenerio all my life…
And I am done with it…
I am the prize and someone that gives and cares and tries so hard and if I don’t see that they are the same and have sincere appreciation for me then I am not in it..
My last guy was amazing in that he played the role so well.. but he had no money and all these kids to provide for while always ‘talking’ about his deals… he looked and acted the part so it seemed feasable but in my gut, I never trusted him..
Had he approached me honestely. I work all the time, have large child support payments but I want to marry you becauseI need a place to live and you are the type of woman that I see myself with, I woudn’t have dated him.. so he played the ‘con’ that would be attractive to a woman like me.. I saw thorugh it but I also saw his possibilties because he believed his own con..
I need to integrate a solid self -esteem which I believe that I am doing but at the same time .. it is normal to be hurt when someone slams you with words.. especially when I am in a weaken place..
Anyway.. I am getting it.. as it is all a flow.. and it will never be totally diminished but with awareness can be understood..
And the forgiving of my father is integral to my healing and awareness.. thankful for the lesson and appreciative of the understanding.. he is not evil.. just really marred.
I want real intimacy with a man…
and no contact is appropiate in some instances and not in others..as no contact can be one way that the ‘sick’ person punishes the ‘victim’…
I am a comminicator and I care and love deeply and I love and appreciate myself and my strength…
so thanks for listening…
Henry:
Congratulations on your graduation.
Now, throw that cap in the air!!!
~The title to this thread…..What socios want….power, control, sex…..and let’s not forget MONEY.
Here’s a little Liza….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rkRIbUT6u7Q
i so agree with what you said psyche…first off about how the sp gets the pleasure and high and how u can deprive him of that….ie the high off tormenting his victims….and how necessary that is….sometimes it’s hard though dependening on the situation…I also agree with vengeance….noly because its the only way a victim can get their power back or if it’s some way a victim can to escape, then they should do so to protect themselves….if someone came to kill or hurt you you’d defend yourself….same with an SP you need to defend or save yourself otherwise you will be destroyed….doing wahtever you can as lon g as it’s through legal means to save or protect yourself should be understood, but people dont understand it…. I think for a lot of people when you do not rectify the past…and let it go–instead these terrible patterns are formed and keep recycling and reoccurring…. and then before you know it you have 4-5 similar situations….dealing with the same kind of people….that turn into a chaotic nightmare….and getting away is even harder…..thats just my personal opinion towards cycles, patterns, and trying to do away with them…. most people dont choose sp’s or are prone to them….sp’s choose peoople and generally pick on the intelligent kind caring decent people….who are trusting and who they feel they can easily fool or manipulate….or people with a history of abuse or some vulnerability….even in their past that the SP can use to manipulate….the SP im dealing with used the fact that i was a virgin, hadnt ever had a BF… to make sure he never gave me that either and had me begging for it…. for any element of a relationship….torturing me in various ways…they just use whatever they can against you….and also will turn anything into a weakness or something they can manipulate…. the SP im dealing with though.. just wants me begging or asking for normal things, he never gave me….or did that i or any normal person would want, while he really wasnt ever going to give them to me, just use the deprivation to get more supply…and to torment the victim more by not giving it to them and getting the messages, the anger, the resentment over his behavior or actions….which is scary because….they literally use people as supply machines to get endless NS anyway they can…and in this case, as someone who wants to mentally dominate someone through mind control… using them for that and not much else….
its important for people to find ways to get their power back…and long term…as it is really difficult to fight an SP at their own game…. as they will retaliate more and show who has the power and go to great lengths to show you how you don’t have any…..important to take the supply away….from the narcissist/sp but the scarier part to that is further retaliataion/vengeance if they can do that to you..in order to not only get it back—but say how dare u try to take that away…i’ll make it come back more tenfold….for instance recently, tho partially my fault i wrote to the sp…we used to write in a forum or i would vent there…. that was his supply…and ive been suffering to an exteme and threatened or claimed i was going to take it down….and cut ties…at least those ties…though he hasnt talked to me in weeks or seen me….he read that and instead cut off the comment boxes… so that he could be the one taking it away….and havign the power and making me say….hey wtf…. more or less i was upset at the arrogance…of him doing that…that he had to ‘always have one up on me’ or dominate….eevn wile ive been suffering in excruciating hell… no remorse….and instead then it caused me to write more, fin da way to put the boxes back up…. and the forum is still up…this sp also takes normal things away so he has me asking/begging for those things…ie reverses it…even in little things they want to dominate…control….i always fear taking the supply away will lead to more abuse/hell whcih it generally did…and that fear caused me to just let things be the way they were….whichih wasn’t a smart move either…
the SP im dealing with though….has way s of controlling me and my life…that are major…..and breaking away…is not an easy feat… especially when they have u in a place where u are vulnerable from the terrifying abuse theya re doing to you in the present…
the concept of retaliation in this society especially when dealing with a narc/ or sp is also pretty horrific…..as these monsters can do the worst things to do put you through excruciating amounts of suffering pain anything…..and anything you do back to them even if it’s the most minor of things that cause them no harm will be used against you as if you’re a bad person who has committed some horrible injustice to a good person….ie they acn destroy your life, put you rhough non-stop horror, and u can maybe put their phone number on one mailing list and they get one or a few calls and suddenly….. they are fighting bashing going nuts….as if you did something terrible…. they are awful beings monsters….yse they are demonic….or satanic as some people may say…. for what they do to innocent people, their victims etc….and it is a tragedy these people not only exist, but get away with their crimes against others…..and worse to know that they feel ‘powerful’ from causing u anguish suffering….or making it worse, can eat away at anyone…..it is a terrible realization and relality to face that you are dealing with such a dysfunctional cruel unfair monster….and also narcs and sp’s try to drive their victims to insanity or suicide…that’s their goal..espcially once they begin the extreme devaluing or discarding phases…..just to know that the monster is getting satisfaction out of causing you or someone extreme suffering or even torture….. is a shocking trying and really frustrating situation to be a part of and worse there is really little to nothing u can do about it…..that’s how they’ve taken over your mind life soul….every part of your being…. it is just a terrible realizeiton to know that u even knew such a monster…..and that they had the chance to do such horrible things to you…and cause u so much pain for really no erason at all…..and no purpose… just an out of control monster who had a chance to destroy and did everything he/she could to do it…
Hens, YES!!!!!!!!! There will come a day when you go for 4 hours without thinking about the spath. A while later, you’ll go a couple of days without thinking about the spath, not once! Before you know it, weeks will go by! Then, months!
But one thing is certain about this experience: they took a piece of us away, and the scar will always be there, though it may fade nicely in due time. For me, the scar gets bumped open by triggers and encounters with other spaths, but I get out the emotional iodine, and it heals over, again.
With regard to contacting other members, it would be invaluable to me. These boards fly so fast, sometimes, that I can’t find a question that I may have had! It’s a “good thing” that members are typing it out, but I’m heading into deep, murky waters, soon…
Hi All,
Just tiime for a quick note on the run
Melanie and Style, I hear ya, the hardest part is believing someone could actually be like Ns and Spaths are. The thing is, most people can’t believe that, which is one big reason why these diseased people get away with so much. Melanie, I know it hurts like hell, and just how they trap you. If you do start to pull your way out of that trap, please don’t give your Spath any hint that you’re doing it (wait till you can get away safely).
Style, like you, I don’t think my dad is evil, I think he’s basically a good man, but filled with evil that his abusive father put into him. It breaks my heart, but whenver I get near him, I remember why I have to stay away (not that I’m suggesting the same for you – you get to decide how to handle your own situation). Even the ‘good times’ with my dad really boil down to guilt and manipulation, which completely drain me 🙁
Others, I have to mention the bittnerss/glory/anger thing again. For me, evil is evil, and it can embody anyone. The only weapon against it, is to do what is good and right (the CLEANER the heart is when you do it, the more powerful the strike against evil will be). Also, Ox, you often warn people against bitterness, and I would just warn you that some people need to pass through anger, without more guilt, before they can remove the bitterness. Lord knows we’ve all carried around the ‘guilt’ of the world, dumped on us by our abusers.
We’ve been the quintessential scapegoats.
Victims need to be encouraged to feel the anger, in whatever form it comes up, because one repetitive characteristic of abusers is that they never validate or allow their victim to feel healthy anger. The longer the abuse, the more repressed the anger in the victim becomes. To try to get people to remove their bitterness while they’re still getting in touch with being angry can stifle the process of healing.
I say to abused people, let that anger rip, in any ugly way you need to, as long as you’re not hurting anyone (including yourself) when you do it. FEEL it (but don’t act on it in any harmful way). As long as you’re headed for the higher ground we all want to be at when we heal, go ahead and move through that anger, however it comes up.
Sometimes I go bonkers, and it feels so great afterwards. I like to give it to God when I do it, because I know he can take it and understands, and will keep it from harming me or others. I tell him “look God, here it comes, I am madder than ##$%, forgive me for what I’m about to say, and please help as you can.” And then I let it rip, and it always leads me to a better, happier, more emotionally clear place, where I find more compassion for just about everyone, even former abusers.
I think getting the anger out helps God help me – I make a place for the good stuff to come in by clearing out the yuck.
And my health (ruined by years of abuse) is improving since I started doing it!
For me, it’s about processing stifled emotions, and refining the anger into something better, healing or sublimating it, but ONLY GRADUALLY.
Sometimes, in a crazy good moment, I even thank the most recent Spaths in my life, for helping me recognize how my parents had hurt me in the past, using the same tactics. Aaack!
It takes time, and a good heart to really heal; I think most of us here are somewhere on that path, but we’re all not going to be at the same place at the same time.
Psyche
Ox, if you like Star Wars, think of Luke – he hits Darth Vader where it hurts, by doing what he needs to do to survive, and, in the end, Darth Vader regrets. Forgivness prevailed.
I don’t think we’re all so different from Luke, having to go up against our darkest enemies, in one way or another. And who knows what good it might do, when we stand strong and clean in what is right? When good prevails, it is glorious, and for good to prevail, evil has to fail, and suffer the ‘hurt’ that it brought on itself! Again, it’s not so much the host that suffers, in my mind, when we strike evil. It’s the evil itself, that has come to embody the Spath. So when Luke strikes Darth Vader where it hurts, the evil was the thing that suffered, and the shell of a man, the good part of him, was still there, could still be reached. That’s what I’m talking about, there’s no “bitter glee” when a psychopath fails, it’s just GLEE when evil fails and suffers, pure and simple, because it can release the good in a situation. It’s goodness at its finest and strongest!
Silvermoon,
just a quick thanks 🙂 for the kind things you said. I wish society knew how to see this stuff more clearly too (I mean to ID Spaths and Ns). The isolation that comes with ‘waking up’ to the ugly truth hurts a lot, sometimes like a continuing abuse (- I still feel it, except when I make myself remember that the only person I can change is myself – that helps. Deep down I still sometimes find myself holding out hope that I’ll be vindicated and validated by society at large – namely by all the friends and colleagues I lost due to the Spaths in my workplace. I suppose I’ll be able to let that go step by step). Ah well, time for bed.
Psyche
Deara Psyche,
I do caution ahgainst BITTERNESS but that is NOT the same as ANGER., Anger is righteous and justifiable. BIG difference in anger and bitterness IMHO. Jesus was righteously ANGRY and he DROVE the money changers out of the Temple of God.
Lifting up a whip or a weapon in justifiable anger over INJUSTICE AND EVIL is not bad. It is not even a “sin” –it is doing God’s work. Bitterness, on the other hand, is a frustrated desire for vengence, an ugly angry smoldering stinking rotting feeling that festers like a boil!
Get the bitterness out, but anger brings action!
sp’s in the work place or anywhere…..they are everywhere these days….maybe not full blown psychopaths but so many people with narcissistic tendencies or characteristics…society today is full of these kinds of people…..no empathy no remorse cold hearted shallow fake egotistical is the sort of new in today and being any different that is a huge shocker…since so many people today just don’t display those traits…and showing signs of kindness or genuineness is just a green light for predators….they see it as…oh good they are kind trusting and nice…so i can attack them….just too many people out there like this today and it is just a sad revelation overall…it’s also so easy to spot a sociopath….but then again maybe not because they aer the ones who sometimes will hide the extreme nature of what they are right away….what people have to remember is trust no one….and look deeper into a person…before you think they are the great individual you think you see….some people can easily spot them out….I can spot out even the kindest of sp’s….just due to being able to read people on a deeper level….prince charming is the scariest kind of sp….or the perfect seeming guy…though there are some guys who really are that way and are good or decent people, but N’s and P’s have specific characteristics and easy warning signs and red flags….the only problem is some people don’t know the full extent or nature or capability of the monster until time has passed or even towards the ending of the relationship….when they become the most cruel or brutal…..there are just lots of sp’s out tehre today…. but they are easy to spot for the most part…probably one reason why I know so many people I know are single- they can’t meet anyone normal or nice… just lots of creeps losers shady freaks psychopaths etc….
BOUNDARIES…..construct and maintain boundaries. I have to feel that I can “trust,” but the trust has to be earned, now, rather that given freely. This has been the lifelong lesson for me, and I’m finally (at 50) learning how to construct and maintain boundaries.