The two most recent Letters to Lovefraud both had the same theme: Sociopathic men who relentlessly pursued women, proclaiming their love, making glowing promises of a committed relationship. The men pushed for sex, and although the women resisted, eventually, believing they were involved in real romances, the women succumbed to the men’s physical desires. With that, both women were dumped.
Read the letters here:
I met him on Facebook, was used for sex and dumped the next day
I felt bonded, even though this made me nauseated
Both women were astounded at how they were unceremoniously booted. They had a hard time coming to grips with the idea that they’d been used and abused. How could a man say all those wonderful things and not mean them? How could a man who talked so eloquently about love be lying? How could a man paint such a beautiful picture of the future and then discard me? Was there something wrong with me? Wasn’t I sexy enough? Smart enough? Pretty enough?
Both women tried to get answers from the men. The men, however, never admitted the true reason that they did what they did:
They wanted to.
Core of a sociopath
Sometimes it’s hard for us to get our minds around how truly different sociopathic individuals are from the rest of us. This is understandable. After all, 96% to 99% of people are like us—capable of love and consideration.
But that 1% to 4% who are sociopaths—well, they might as well be aliens. These people:
- Feel no empathy at all towards other human beings
- Have no conscience
- Are interested only power, control and sex
This is the core of a sociopath—no empathy, no conscience and desiring only power, control and sex.
Implications
So what does this mean? It means sociopaths feel entitled to take what they want, regardless of how their actions may damage others. It means they get no satisfaction from connectedness with others, they only get satisfaction from winning. It means sociopaths view the world as predators and prey—they are the predators and everyone else is prey.
This is shocking. Mind-blowing. Impossible to understand.
So we cannot try to understand. We can only accept. This is how they are.
They do not want us as lovers, partners, friends or family members. They want power, control and sex.
Melanie,
For what it’s worth, my Spath/N ex played the same kind of sex games. They make you want them just so that they can get off on rejecting you, and being wanted by you soooo badly. Then they take what they want from you in bed, whenever they want it. I felt like a toy on a shelf in a closet. He’d come for me whenever he wanted something, and ignore me while he was chasing after attention from every other woman in a 30 mile radius of where we lived.
To put it another way, my ex deliberately fostered an addiction in me, and then cut me off to control me, also deliberately. He KNEW what he was doing (admitted it later, when he thought he had me just where he wanted me).
You should have seen him when I walked away. He looked like the smallest, most desperate, angriest, unhappiest little boy in the entire world. I actually felt sorry for him and his ‘broken heart’, while I constantly told myself how bad I had been for getting involved with him in the first place.
Now I know that it wasn’t his heart that got hurt, just that addiction he had to the fantasy of power, invincibility, control, not to mention constant N-supply whenever he needed it.
Psyche
thats so true psyche….and how they seem to function.. or many of them….want their victims wanting them….and just use them when they want… and their addiction like you said to the fantasy of power….control etc… my spath or the one i was dealing with same way except on the level of really sick sadistic control and power….to where i was suffering and am on extreme levels and he could care less….and he rarely had me over when he wanted me namely b/c he just wanted me begging and suffering for it so he could make me do things in order to be able to see him a few hours…and not even for sex …. he also had/has constant n supply from me and used me as an object to get ‘nasty messages’ from…not much else….he created an addiction by only seeing me in tiny increments while putting me through severe psych torture in between periods or in order to see him….they don’t get hurt because they have no soul….they dont feel….its still hard to grasp that as im asking or begging the monster to see me….to ease my suffering…and he shrugs it off as nothing and instead harasses my parents at work….and wont talk to me but play crazy mind games….now he won’t see me for 4-5 weeks or longer and the increments have gotten smaller…2 hours…it made me suffer, want him more….but he wont do anything to help such as see me….just leave me tortured…. in 5 weeks he saw me for 1.5 hours….all while daily i was suffering, just to see him….its just an addiction to get more attention supply from the victim…in this case…probably b/c they’ve lost more control over their own life…and need to torture the victim more… i wud assume most sp’s are a little more humane, though not really….they are all brutal in their own ways….but charging smoeone money to be in their presence for 2 hours, after 3-5 weeks of heavy degradation and psych torture….just such a sick extreme..and they do have people where they want them….wrapped around their finger…but difficult to see them as enemy when tehy’ve made themselves out to be ‘lover, boyfriend confidante’…even if they are cruelly torturing or abusing you….but that’s part of the brainwash and conditioning…this one trying to condition me into being a slave or submissive.. or into ‘wanting or liking abuse or degradation’..and after so much hell and abuse…a person almost has no choice and its like stockholm syndrome…they also control/torture those closest to them..so of course they’ll get really close toa person, and the moment the person loves or becomes dependent on them that’s when the severe abuse begins…which people don’t seem to understand as they may say to victims “why do u keep going back”??? or other silly things such as “well just leave him/her”! so annoying to try to explain to people the horrifying trap involved…and even the longevity of the situation as the longer it goes, the worse it becomes and greater the trap the SP has a victim in…people also dont understand teh difficulty of dealing with narcissistic/sp family members and even the difficulty in cutting ties with those people as they are family…and how hard that is….and how sp’s want people to be dependent on them so they can control them more and more…and will do anything to keep that control assert it….its just important to fight/resist the situation when it occurs from the start, or take drastic measures to stop it even if it seems impossible, rather than letting it get to years of severe stuff….again that’s much easier said thatn done as passive victims shrug off even abusive actions, because they have no clue the horrors that are to come….but a lesson to learn when dealing with sp’s…cold hearted remorseless monsters… ive almost gotten to a point where i can’t see the weakness in the SP due to the extreme nature of abuse and the powertrip im sure they got from it….they give u no power and no chance of them even having that weakness in front of you or towards you as they’ve crushed you…they also put u through severe psych torture adn shocks and trauma while they are already tormenting you to cause you extra suffering and hell and seal in the severe mental abuse…to break you down more or destroy you….it’s just how function… it seems more or less a ploy of how little they care about you or the situation…and how they dont really care at all….even walking away would only mean the NS injury maybe….for them but even for them it wouldn’t be much of an injury as they’ve already devalued discarded a person….so whatever that person ends up doing has no real effect on them at all….it is however good to know others are able to do that to the SP’s they’ve dealt with….or made them feel low or taken the power away from them…in some form….
Spaths are not humane – EVER. That word doesn’t even register in their vocabulary.
The only way to take away the spath’s power is to walk away and maintain NO CONTACT. No texts. No emails. No public acknowledgments. No waves of the hand. Once we take ourselves away from their games, they move on to someone else, more’s the pity.
Melanie,
I think you got it right, you see how they work, you’re a 100% right when you say ‘they don’t get hurt because they have no soul”.they dont feel”.its still hard to grasp that.’
It is hard to grasp that. And I’m with buttons on the human thing. They only seem humane when they haven’t got you hooked yet. It’s once they’ve pulled you into their trap that you start getting a glimpse of that hideous reality lurking beneath all of that captivating charm.
And yeah, if you leave, it’s only going to hurt them in the sense that they lose some easy N-Supply. And if they have lots of other suppliers already lined up and surrounding them (which they often do), they can discard without any ‘hurt’. I suspect that’s why my ex had to surround himself with so many attention-giving women, he had dozens thinking he was the best thing alive, and telling him so in front of my face. He’d get mad at me for telling him I didn’t like it (I was ‘bad’). And the one thing he’d always say to me is this “I can tell, you can just walk away from someone and not care.”
Talk about projecting his psychological feces onto others! Anyway, one day it dawned on me that I’d never get the real love I was seeking from him, that the addiction would only get worse FOR ME the longer I stayed, and that if I left without a trace, without contact, it would strike the best blow I could strike (to save myself, at the very least, was the worst thing for him and his addiction to abusing me, and the best thing for me). I guess I could only do that when I figured out he was fundamentally against changing. No matter how things *appeared* to change, his behavior would always go back to one thing, and one thing only — getting what he wanted at my expense.
The realization wasn’t so clear cut as all that over time, but I did have that kind of ‘a-ha’ moment about it.
I often think of the Stockholm syndrome thing too, I think what I’ve heard about it definitely fits some (or many) aspects of these relationships, but I don’t know all that much about it.
Take good care,
Psyche
I guess I should correct myself, — the whole business about whether or not Spaths have a soul is beyond my actual comprehension. I don’t really know, I just know that you can’t make contact with anything that seems like a soul in them when you’re dealing with them. It may be there somewhere, imprisoned underneath the weight of all the evil, I couldn’t say I was sure, one way or the other, but yeah, the evil that embodies the Spath keeps them from feeling anything we’d call genuinely hurt.
Psyche
Psyche, that’s the only explanation that I’ve been able come up with that reconciles a human being to exist without conscience. Seems reasonable to me….
Yes…they aren’t truly human or remorseful….but even if they have you hooked you can still be fooled..you see the good they do….which even those who know and understand….will still be fooled by…the times the ex sp saw me..despite all the torture i had to go through to see him….some of the times he was very caring, loving…or put on this show of “here let me get you a blanket”…and seemingly acting like….he was being kind…that lure or facade fooled me…into thinking…well when i go there he can be really nice….(not always) rather than thinking….what a monster…for putting me through torture just to be able to be in his presence for a few hours or less…of course most abusers do that and the victims are generally fooled..but still it’s silly to think that way….but part of ignoring the abuse is stockholm syndrone and being so conditioned into siding with the abuser and the manipulation tactics they use to brainwash their victims…sometimes people let the abuse slide, until it gets worse….and they are facing nightmares….which finally wake them up to the reality of what has occurred….and how serious it is to just shrug it off..or ignore it because u feel you have no choice….spaths can feel hurt…in the sense of N egos being shattered or N injury…(narcissists may feel injury or hurt, people with apd don’t its just about winning or losing and dominating)….they do have very deep emotions… and strong ones which they repress and transmute into all sorts of dysfunctional behaviors and odd defense mechanisms….they apparently feel no remorse for their sick behaviors or the effect it has on their victims….they dont possess empathy or caring for others…feelings or emotions…they can squash people like a bug and instead of feeling bad about it, it makes them feel powerful… if someone leaves them.. they do feel bad….for a little while…. or if they are hurt…. but it’s more about injuring their N superego..and they do anything to prevent major injury to their egos because it’s something they can’t handle or that could dsetroy them….hence the reason they need to be in control over their victims….so their victims can’t destroy or rule them…that’s why many will drive their victims to leavin them…first….they will facilitate the abandonment so they can say “well they left, but I drove them to it– i abandoned them long before they left me”… so they can have control over it and not feel like they were abandoned….many do have a fear of abandonment…deep rooted one….but once they’ve devalued/discarded their victims, then they abandoned them first….and it really doesn’t matter what happens after… narcissists are a little different han SP’s, but really most are the same or similar characteristics…and many N’s are sp’s p’s and vice versa…..just not everyone has all the little quirks in severe PD as N’s do but APD is the same and with even more coldness and sadistic tendencies or criminal ones…N’s torment their victims to purge their inner demons mostly, Sp’s torment for sadistic reasons….imo I think both behaviors are sadistic in nature….someone once said to me “he’s a sociopath…you’re INSIGNIFICANT to him like a bug”… for some reason that just stuck with me….because it was so true….and that’s how he treated me…like nothing….it was just shocking as the same persno would act as if i was his life, i was the love of his life, he was so in loev with me…he did so much for me….(though he did nothing and just sucked dry)….it was hard to see the dualities…with someone who made u so important, yet treated u in ways u can’t even imagine….just part of the sp’s brainwash and manipulation or just the disordered nature of a really sick dysfunctional person…
so true Psyche…and for N’s or Sp’s….people are interchangeable…so they definitely have others they get supply from…and if they lose one person they’ll move onto the next…or others…really people aer just objects and mean nothing to them…for some their ‘significant others’ are the major supply and losing that can do serious damage to them….some focus on mostly one target to get a ton of the NS from and if they’re getting it from taht one person…they don’t need it from many else…significant others or what the N perceives to be the sig other is the person who is the general supplier punching bag and projcetion target of the narcissist… they’re used as objects for the N’s dysfunctional state of mind to get endless NS from, and basically be the mirror for the psychopath to project on… what your N said yeah was just a ridiculous N projection…..which they all do and it’s just so terrible to have to listen to that….knowing it’s some warped maniac telling you what they are…the N I dealt with projected 24/7…so you end up getting a sick picture of their sick disordered private lives and the awful sexual things they do or other things they may be into…and many N’s have different personalities and different ‘secret lives’…mine always said “you just take and take and SUCK people DRY”…all you do is take from others…you’re a selfish bitch who just wants what u want… another common SP statement is to call the victim a ‘spoiled selfish bitch” while the SP is torturing abandoning or abusing them terribly…..projecting past inner anger onto them or other victims…. it’s good you left him and had a chance to get out as so many people don’t or can’t or are already so damaged that it does some serious damage that can take years to undo or try to understand…. and no one will probably ever get the love they want from those disordered sick creatures….just bits and pieces of nothingness followed by severe bouts of torment, abuse and dysfunctional situations pain…. they aren’t capable of being anywhere near normal.. they can never be normal and they know this…they know how screwed up they are so they also need to project that onto the victim and break them and make them feel like there is anything wrong with them….so the victim questions themselves constantly and looks to the narcissist for affirmation or approval…when in reality the N or sp is the dysfunctional abnormal freak….they are so disordered and sick and anyone who they ensnare in tehir sick web gets caught in their sick state of mind world and disorder…
Melanie, I got this from someone here at LF several months ago.(Sorry I can’t remember who) but I thought you might appreciate it:
The P/S/N’s are so far beyond f@.......#%$ed up, that it would take billions of years for the light from f@.......#%$ed up to reach them. 🙂
thanks kim and yeah so true….they are….horribly messed up…sick people….it’s a shame to know they exist and worse to encounter one…the sp i know is torturing me beyond belief….daily/momentarily…and he continues with psych torture and even got involved in my modeling portfolio, called the website, and messed my portfolio up by making up lies or trash talking me…getting it removed– all this by not even having contact with me at all….he is slowly destroying my ilfe/mind in ways i can’t even imagine….and cruelly… i want the sp out o fmy life for good… as this one is only about dsetroying his victim ie me….in ways unimaginable..what upsets me is their success at it even if you attempt to fight, dominate, even help yourself… the suffering ive been through is unimaginable…and non-stop….i wish there was a way to win….it seems like everytime i try i get destroyed…in crueller ways by the sp….not to say they are good….it just seems like…the victim can’t win or even help themselves to survive….well being in a personal horrid battle with one…in this nature too is a nightmare….worse than one…probably the worst ive ever had to deal with with this sp and he is worse than a monster… its good to get away but worse to have to endure the possible psych torture they can do to you…due to the abhorrent abuse they already did to you….this sp set me up so that….he could dsetroy me psychologically in every way possible….and then destroy me more in any other way possible even if we have no contact..and for the rest of my life it seems…it is really scary to be a part of…wish i cud get out, end it…as it is only a torture fest really…a sadist torturing a victim non-stop….its just important to get away from the beginning…and never get involved with an sp… get away before they destroy u completely….