The two most recent Letters to Lovefraud both had the same theme: Sociopathic men who relentlessly pursued women, proclaiming their love, making glowing promises of a committed relationship. The men pushed for sex, and although the women resisted, eventually, believing they were involved in real romances, the women succumbed to the men’s physical desires. With that, both women were dumped.
Read the letters here:
I met him on Facebook, was used for sex and dumped the next day
I felt bonded, even though this made me nauseated
Both women were astounded at how they were unceremoniously booted. They had a hard time coming to grips with the idea that they’d been used and abused. How could a man say all those wonderful things and not mean them? How could a man who talked so eloquently about love be lying? How could a man paint such a beautiful picture of the future and then discard me? Was there something wrong with me? Wasn’t I sexy enough? Smart enough? Pretty enough?
Both women tried to get answers from the men. The men, however, never admitted the true reason that they did what they did:
They wanted to.
Core of a sociopath
Sometimes it’s hard for us to get our minds around how truly different sociopathic individuals are from the rest of us. This is understandable. After all, 96% to 99% of people are like us—capable of love and consideration.
But that 1% to 4% who are sociopaths—well, they might as well be aliens. These people:
- Feel no empathy at all towards other human beings
- Have no conscience
- Are interested only power, control and sex
This is the core of a sociopath—no empathy, no conscience and desiring only power, control and sex.
Implications
So what does this mean? It means sociopaths feel entitled to take what they want, regardless of how their actions may damage others. It means they get no satisfaction from connectedness with others, they only get satisfaction from winning. It means sociopaths view the world as predators and prey—they are the predators and everyone else is prey.
This is shocking. Mind-blowing. Impossible to understand.
So we cannot try to understand. We can only accept. This is how they are.
They do not want us as lovers, partners, friends or family members. They want power, control and sex.
Dear Henry, darlink, your “momster” makes Joan Crawford look like Santa Claus! Heck, your momster makes Ted Bundy look like the Santa Claus!
We are better off without them!
We go round-and-round in our heads, trying to get a handle on our experiences, leading us to figure things out, helping us get past spath exposure.
Hello everyone. I was reading on one of these threads, and got a link to Alice Miller’s book, The Drama of the Gifted Child, which was recommended to me last year by a psychiatrist I know.
It seems that what she feels is something I have felt my whole life. In a nutshell…she feels that cruelty to children is what makes them messed up. Some become sociopaths, killers, and some go the other way, like me, and most of us on here….we have low self esteem and become “too trusting”.
She doesn’t believe socios are just “born” the way they are, even though she feels that we ARE born with our temperaments.
It made me think about my x’s. Especially since I got a text form my xbf Friday night saying that he “misses me still,(told me that a month ago via text) and “OMG I love you so much and I am so sorry”. (I didn’t respond)
I thought about HIS tragic childhood, being abandoned by his bio mom at age ten…never saw her again. Not even knowing WHO his Dad was or his name….and being raised in fear by a cruel grandmother who beat him and his sisters!
I actually felt sorry for him and wondered how he could even be as “normal” as he is.
Alice says that “unless we have an Enlightened Witness” to help us resolve the cruel mistreatment, we end up really messed up.
Reading this stuff made me sad. Not only for myself and my X’s…but sad about our world. There will never be world peace, only wars, because the cycle lives on. So many children are abused and live in fear and have “issues” and don’t acknowledge that they do…don’t get help…and end up hurting others or ourselves.
I was really sad last night about this. But, it made me look at things in a different light. Alice says we need not “love and respect” our parents once we acknowledge that we were mistreated.Otherwise we end up feeling its our fault and that we deserve the mistreatment as adults. Sortof like the “betrayal bond”.
I couldn’t stop reading the articles she wrote. It made me realize how our childhoods really determine who we are. And, how “in the dark” most parents are about how to identify our children that are predisposed and how to prevent these kids from becoming sociopaths, criminals, and/or doormats for abuse.
Dear Tobehappy,
ALL people have CHOICES in how they behave. You do. They do. There is a lot of evidence that the predisposition toward psychopathy is genetic, but not of course 100%—but without that predisposition being present in the genetic make up, abuse may not have the same effect on a child that it does if they have that predisposition.
Read Dr. Leedom’s links to raising the AT RISK CHILD (a child of a psychopath) and I think you will see what I am trying to describe in 50 words or less.
Many psychopaths, including my own P-offspring, present themselves as ABUSED when nothing is further from the truth. That “abuse” that never happened is their EXCUSE for why they do bad things, they use it as a HOOK to make potential victims feel pity for them and to allow them to behave in unacceptable ways. It is a common enough “pity ploy” that you can almost spot them by it!
Hmmm. The only people who know of my abuse is LF, my doctor and my counsellor – all in the last 12 months of my 38 years. Bandying around a fake abuse card is low.
bulletpoof, I really really like your definition of PTSD – such a positive perspective. The PTSD is way less strong after researching DSMs. The 5 years prior to this I went in circles, drank heavily and took up smoking at 33. This site triggers a little, but it’s all educational and a price worth paying in the name of support and education. I’m aware of all my posts yesterday and today (brain fog=rambling incoherence). That’s all it was.
The movie connection intrigues. My N father would laugh at anything to appear like everyone else. It’s like everyone has caught a cold – exhibiting the exact same symptoms. These people exhibit the same traits. We are speaking of hundreds of different people, yet they are identical.
Everyone have a lovely Tuesday. Take care of thyselves and continue to educate us all. My hat off to you all.
Oxy, I agree that its a choice. I see that in my own family life. My socio sister is mentally ill..on ssi for it …had suicide attempts..etc. This is how SHE reacted to the abuse of my socio mom. I didn’t.
But, maybe…just maybe…she isn’t as strong as I am? Or as smart? Why did I see the “sickness” in my mother and CHOOSE to get help at a young age…went to a therapist at age 22. Why did SHE choose to numb the pain with drugs…sex…and suicide attempts? Why did I get a college degree…and become an independent woman/teacher ..while she chose to live off of the govt assistance since she was 21, and still uses people and lies and steals…etc???
I don’t know the answer. Is it just “who we are” ..how we react to abuse? I do believe we are born who we are…but the home environment effects all of us in different ways.
I have 3 girls…and they are all so different. I know that if I stayed married to my xhusb socio…the bad would have been brought out of them. He would have ruined them…esp my asperger’s daughter…who is happy and well adjusted all around. He was beating her up and putting her down. Thats why I left him. Maybe I broke the cycle.
I just understand it clearer now..why my xbf acted the way he did. He had a tragic childhood. I don’t feel anger for him…I understand how he and I were involved. He was a control freak and I was a weak enabler.
I just feel better understanding the dynamics of our relationship.
Dear tobehappy,
Your sister is NOT you and you are not her so probably your genes are different, AND even though your environment is similar it isn’t identical either. Even identical twins (same DNA) don’t have identical environments even at birth. One twin may have more blood from a better placenta placement, etc. It takes both environment and DNA to make us what we are.
I’m glad you are not like your sister and hopefully your kids will not pass on the genes or environment that helps make another generation of Ps. I think it is unfortunate that few people probably don’t have a P gene donor somewhere in their DNA lines. Add in a little or a lot of abuse and BAMM!!! Another one is formed!
Hopeforjoy! It is so true the sex with the Ex S I cant believe he said “that is why you get married” LMAO mine would say “if you dont give it to me, I will go somewhere else and get it” and if he was going out he would say ” you cant let me go out fully loaded” then it would not be his fault if he had to have an empty out somewhere a long the way because I didn’t do my wifely job properly.
I so thought that he was so demanding in the bedroom because I was so hot and desirable & the love of his life LMAO! just dont know why after wild passionate sex he would just roll over and go to sleep. Contact finished!
Your posts are always right on time to where I seem to be in the cycle of recuperation when it comes to the ex sp in my life. Recently went on his facebook page (to do my own gaslighting or withdrawl seeking as it turned out to be), and found out that only 3 days after I had moved out-he was seeking pity parties and new women friends to engage. Yet, he insisted he was over me, even going so far as to present a quote which indicated that I was just “a season, reason, or a lifetime” thing for him! Imagining that any np believes in lifetimes with any one person was the truest part of the joke. I have to admit, it hurt. And I am stunned but relieved at the same time/the quintessential wondering of whether he was really a np or even a sp can really begin to come to and end with me. I know I did the right thing by leaving someone who doesn’t know how to love me. Everything in his actions the days after his posts were focused on moving on from ME! Imagine that, after he told me that I was too old for him and that HE didn’t want to marry me or have children with me (after me wasting a year of my time and money on his video games, food and necessities). Do I feel like I fool that I found this out? No, the fool would have been me staying another year of my old life wondering when he would want to either engage in a normal life with me without taking my money and love as food and fodder for his pity and impending disgust. Discard and disengage was already in effect at the point when I decided to leave. So he was over me? That what he posted. So thankful for the post (they don’t even realize they’ve pushed you along to the health you need). Now I can look forward without wondering if there was anything worth leaving behind.
As usual, this article is right on target. Stumbling upon Narcissism/Sociopathy has been not only an eye opener for me but it has lifted a great weight off my shoulders. I have spent 25 years of my life trying to understand why. Once it was all put into context by this disease, I was able to come to terms with the fact that all I can do is accept things for what they are as there is no rhyme or reason for what these monsters do nor can it be understood.
The one I was unfortunately married to – and divorced from for 13 years – still refers to himself with great pride as “the Plaintiff” in court papers. To this day, it is a great feat that he was the one who filed for the divorce – even though he had been removed from our home with a restraining order due to domestic violence. One of the many inconvenient facts he filters out so that he can emerge “the winner” in his own twisted and pathetic mind. Sad, sad, sad. I wish these people could be tested and diagnosed at birth and immediately destroyed. The world would be a much better place for it!