The two most recent Letters to Lovefraud both had the same theme: Sociopathic men who relentlessly pursued women, proclaiming their love, making glowing promises of a committed relationship. The men pushed for sex, and although the women resisted, eventually, believing they were involved in real romances, the women succumbed to the men’s physical desires. With that, both women were dumped.
Read the letters here:
I met him on Facebook, was used for sex and dumped the next day
I felt bonded, even though this made me nauseated
Both women were astounded at how they were unceremoniously booted. They had a hard time coming to grips with the idea that they’d been used and abused. How could a man say all those wonderful things and not mean them? How could a man who talked so eloquently about love be lying? How could a man paint such a beautiful picture of the future and then discard me? Was there something wrong with me? Wasn’t I sexy enough? Smart enough? Pretty enough?
Both women tried to get answers from the men. The men, however, never admitted the true reason that they did what they did:
They wanted to.
Core of a sociopath
Sometimes it’s hard for us to get our minds around how truly different sociopathic individuals are from the rest of us. This is understandable. After all, 96% to 99% of people are like us—capable of love and consideration.
But that 1% to 4% who are sociopaths—well, they might as well be aliens. These people:
- Feel no empathy at all towards other human beings
- Have no conscience
- Are interested only power, control and sex
This is the core of a sociopath—no empathy, no conscience and desiring only power, control and sex.
Implications
So what does this mean? It means sociopaths feel entitled to take what they want, regardless of how their actions may damage others. It means they get no satisfaction from connectedness with others, they only get satisfaction from winning. It means sociopaths view the world as predators and prey—they are the predators and everyone else is prey.
This is shocking. Mind-blowing. Impossible to understand.
So we cannot try to understand. We can only accept. This is how they are.
They do not want us as lovers, partners, friends or family members. They want power, control and sex.
Well talking about sp’s”another sp story”had been hanging out with someone while dealign with the horrid sp’s torture”the person I had been hanging out with”seemed pretty nice a gentleman”.just wanted to hang out..never made a move on me”but I found it a little odd that we had been to the beach, out to eat many times, back at my place, movies everywhere”and he never made a move on me once”.times when he should have, he didn’t”even consider it”he was also weird condescending”put me down at times..began getting stranger and ruder”I thought..this guy is kind of strange”.and very rude sometimes and sometimes just odd”and why is he petty and weird”sort of red flags”that he could be some kind of abuser”well after hanging out at the beach at night..having to deal with the prior torment fo the sociopath’s abuse in some form”ie via long distance” I came home”only to find something that sociopath had done”.that was one of my worst fears”and it was horror”something I never imagined”on top of the months of torture he had been doing to me and all the hell I had been through.. It was like the worst for me and I was in shock and freaking out”and began crying and bawling”uncontrollably”.the guy I was hanging out with”.barely a response.. I mean cold empathic”no feelings”so strange.. I mean”he seemed nice enough..hanging out”was there if I wanted to go out”.or do something”but he’s standing there”acting like “ohh umm”I feeeeel, sorry for you” barely mumbling it” huh?? Im standing there freaking out crying it was horrid”and I never cry”.I mean no”.that’s terrible.. Are you ok?? Nothing.. Just coldly umm? So so odd” then he just sort of stood there..not saying anything..almost looking like he was laughing or smirking- he almost seemed like he thought it was funny I was standing there going through horror”then he said coldly “well”.um I told u to cut ties“”.I was like? Its not like ties arent cut and what?? Then I said ive never been thru so much sufferin gin my life and ive been thru some ’really’ bad things”but this is the worst”his response “yeah you were really wiggin out there for a second“”huh?? That’s your response to someone who is going thru something so terrible? .I mean it was really bad for me”worse than nightmarish”worse than anything I had ever experienced or imaged”or the psych torture that sp had ever put me through”.
His response”nothing”.then he sort of tried to step forward”and”he was almost trying to make a move on me..while I was in so much suffering it felt like worse than anything”.he said “I think u need a hug” and he was turned on and breathing heavy”wtf??? Omg”I was in shock”this is crazy”.u had like 12 opportunities to ’hit on me’ for two weeks now”.and u try to hit on me while I am suffering crying and in the worst state ive been in in my life”.?? Huh?? Then he said again “well, umm”im sorry to have to see you go through this, but I don’t really have any advice—uh??? What? Then he said “well I wish I had some advice to tell you—then he said “well its late, I think I gotta go—I mean”.wow”ive never seen anything so stupid ”that someone is crying”going nuts”.and some idiot is almost laughing at this”and acting like”turned on by it and even trying to make a move on someone while they are literally tortured and crying”ive seen a lot of people not show remorse”narcissists or just jerks”people are glad at other’s suffering ive noticed”.but this creep for him to oddly have ’never’ hit on me for two weeks”put me down oddly”then attempt to hit on me while I was at my lowest and suffering so horribly my entire life flashed before my already tortured mind”.
That was so scary”..not saying that person was a sociopath”but just someone who was a jerk”.and there are so many people out there”who have no real remorse”who don’t care for others”and literally laugh when people are down”I mean really down and treat it like “oh well umm..nothing major—..so while dealing with a SP destroying me everyday slowly”and so cruelly in ways I never imagined”and nightmares ive had to suffer through every moment for months”there are more that come along to help you ensure that there are way too many inhumane sick people out there”with no care remorse feelings or empathy”for anyone”what kidn of people exist these days it is so shocking”.
Melanie, as you continue your hike down the healing path, you’re going to stumble onto spaths in the most unlikely places. In 2 years, I experienced 4 people who certainly fit the profile and another who had been diagnosed, officially.
Each one of these encounters were lessons that I HAD to learn, though I hated the process. Some of these people came in the guise of friendship, while others were in positions of power (State Trooper). Each encounter taught me something about myself and where I needed to reinforce my boundaries. Giving away too much information has always, ALWAYS been a fault of mine and I had to really examine why I did this.
Over time, I learned that I was telling people too much about msyelf in an effort to “explain” and “defend” myself. Not that I have this entirely under control, but I’ve started being proactive about what I will allow myself and NOT allow myself to disclose – even to long-term friends.
You’re going to be fine, Melanie. It just takes time. Brightest blessings!!!
Hi everypne!
I’m still around. Still learning. I have been planning my exit for a year. Unfortunately there is always something!
Had to spend $1700.00 to get my car fixed! I could have used that money!
But y’all are right-it doesn’t matter. I have to leave. It gets harder to be here every day.
I’m sure he knows something. I don’t kiss him, hug him, NO SEX of any kind. I suspect that he has his next victim ready and waiting. At this point I want him to. All I want is OUT.
Well, I also want some things that are mine and are important to me. So finally went and rented a storage unit and I’m so glad i did.
I am planning to really move on! I’m going to California. I’m going to start over. That’s not going to be easy at 41 but I am looking forward to some measure of peace just by being away from his sociopathic crazymaking.
I mean they do make you kinda crazy! And yes I seem to tell people too much about myself in an effort to “explain or defend” myself as well. I am going to learn about boundaries. I hardly have any. And since I’ve been in this crazy marriage for 12 yrs I hardly have any friends either. I think they make sure of that.
He even participated in spreading a rumor about me that I got into a fight with someone at a party that we went to at one of his “friend’s” house. Wrong- what really happened was he told the hostess (he worked with her) that I thought she and he friend were after my husband and they had better back off. I NEVER said that. He made me out to be some crazy jealous bitch. Needless to say these women were drunk at this party and ended up going off on me for some stuff HE SAID I said
But I didn’t say it. So I am outside getting yelled at by them and he knows this- sees it. Does he come out to take up for me?
Hell no! He was almost smiling. I told the women that they didn’t know what they were talking about and couldn’t believe everything they heard.
But of course they trusted HIM- he’s so wonderful.
I went back inside and told him we were leaving NOW. He refused at first. I told him I was leaving and he could stay if he wanted to but I wouldn’t come back to get him. So finally he got his super drunk a$$ in the car.
Of course these women told everyone what a total bitch I was and how I started a fight at her house… blah.. blah…blah.
So they hate me. He made sure of it. Couldn’t risk having them on MY side. Now I see it. I didn’t then.
He also made sure to blame all kinds of things on me so his family would hate me too.
And then he would blame me for me making them hate me!! Like what? What did I ever do to them? Well who knows? He is such a total LIAR.
Who knows what he told them I did. It must have been pretty bad from the way they acted. I stopped going to their house to visit for any reason it got so bad.
I totally agree that as hard as it is and as much as you want to screw things up for them and screw them over as they have you- you can not focus on that. If you do you will find yourself becoming more and more bitter. You will even hear it in your own voice. Other people may point it out to you. My sister pointed it out to me. Boy, was she ever right.
Once I stopped focusing on getting back at him and just started thinking about what is the best possible situation for me-was I able to really start moving in a positive direction.
You see they keep you in such a fog for so long that it’s really, really hard to come out of that and focus on what you need to do for your life. Because, admit it, they make sure you are living mostly to suit their needs but try to convince you that meeting all of their needs is all your idea.
“But i thought you liked to do all the laundry?” Oh and don’t forget the cleaning and most of the cooking and most everything else.
Because they aren’t going to do it! It just won’t get done if you don’t do it. And IF you dare take a stand and force them to do it- they will do such an unbelievably bad job of it-in the hope that you will say:
“You are not allowed to clean the bathroom ever again.”
My darling sociopath took extra strength TILEX mildew remover and sprayed down the entire bathroom. He didn’t even pick up a sponge or rinse it off. It was awful. I had to open all the doors and windows. I went off on him- but as you already know- that was his way of “getting me”.
I mean HOW DARE I ASK HIM TO DO SOMETHING!!
Has this happened with anyone else?
I saw the post above about the trial. I watched part of the Darrin Mack trial. He stabbed Charla Mack, his beautiful wife, to death in the carport.
Classic Sociopath- zero remorse. Shark eyes. And of course he thought he could get away with it. And he thought he could try to shoot the judge that was presiding over the custody(? is that right). Luckily the judge lived to tell. BTW she had a restraining order on him. Worthless piece of paper that it was.
God Bless and Good Luck!
Thanks for all your posts and info.
This site gives me courage to do what needs to be done.
Kt
katiebug11, don’t fret over the names we get called. We all go through it … It’s never their fault, always someone else’s. Remember? (LOL), they can never accept blame for ever evolving in life. Such a sad reality, but they own this, we don’t.
I’m glad you started your plan on leaving. I never was given a heads up. He always played the sensitive, great guy, never to let his mask slip. He left after he took everything from me … which was his plan from the beginning … to take over my life and pretend he worked for what he has now.
Life does get better after getting them out of our lives. We always treat ourselves with he love and respect which we all deserve.
Remember, time heals all wounds and time wounds all heels.
Peace to your heart and soul.
I’m sorry to burst all your bubbles, but as you are patting yourselves on the backs for being morally superior and deserving better, you are behaving exactly like THEM.
“They” justify their actions because they think they are better than others, or other people exist just to gratify their urges and then must be tossed aside if they don’t.
We all carry gradiations of this within ourselves. Coming to terms with this is the way to overcome it. What makes a person succumb to false flattery? Obviously, it’s the need to feel important, better. If you were using your common sense, you would think how could a stranger on Facebook know anything about me?
Here’s some tips- learn some objectivity! If someone flatters you, instead of letting it inflate your ego, why not ask yourself why they would tell you such things? People rarely simply desire to inflate someone else’s ego for no reason – they must want something from you!!!
Learn to be immune from praise and blame and be objective!
Lesson 2 – Live by the Golden Rule. I know a lot of times when I am confused about how to act, I think, “How would I want someone to treat me if the roles were reversed.” That usually clarifies things for me.
I know I can be self-centered, and at times when my heart fails, at least my reason can help me.
This is not a hinderance when dealing with unabashed perpetual psychopaths! You can think – all human lives being equal, why should this person be allowed to harm others (including one’s self) They are not “worth” more than you, and your energies would best be served actually doing constructive things rather than enabling a wrong-doer.
Lastly, I do think psychopaths can be cured, but NOT BY YOU! They have to want to change, and see it is in their best interests.
And lastly, I think the best innoculation is to face these aspects of ourselves that are like them. If we can recognize these traits in ourselves, we can recognize them in others. And not be fooled!
katiebug11,
Good luck with you plans, getting away to a normal, peace-filled existence. You deserve it.
Dear Satya,
You are right in so many ways! We would not be succeptible to them unless we allowed them to stroke our egos, to give us something we thought was wonderful and couldn’t live without, i.e. “love.” (approval, and all it entails)
Basing our feelings of “worth” on some one else’s opinion is not a good way to judge our own worth. We must in order to be healthy and happy have some concept of our OWN WORTHY regardless of other’s opinions. Just as the psychopath who is highly narcissistic does not base their sense of entitlement on any one else’s opinion, but, theirs is carried to the estreme.
We must learn to strike a BALANCE of our opinions of ourself on both internal sense of right and wrong, but also take into consideration the external in put we get from others. It is I think when our BALANCE is all off (either too much internal or too much external) that we are either an abuser or a victim.
The golden rule is a great rule for how we should behave. I think it is the best, but my problem was I did not EXPECT or DEMAND that others treat me the way I treated them, though I did treat them the way I wanted to be treated. So I think we must treat others well, but EXPECT others to treat us AS WELL.
Thanks for your great, thought provoking post! God bless!
thanks buttons…its true that yes u meet all types of people and p’s and sp’s….and it’s difficult to know how to deal with them….im not going to be ok…as the sp im dealing with is twisted and extreme on levels that are unbearable horrific indescribable…he is just a sadist who is torturing me….non stop 24/7…his latest statements which he did finally talking to me involved only yelling projecting harassing conning manipulating even stating “you just like to torture people you just sit around torturing people if you had a voodoo doll and needles you’d just be dancing you’d be like ooohhhh yeahhh! wear those heels” as he laughed…ie…what he does to me….torture me non-stop with voodoo.. its bad….and im trapped eing tortured by a sadist….who won’t stop….and getting away right now is next to impossible…as he has tortured me two months now non-stop with no relief….and hadn’t seen me just tortured me…..it is really bad and i cant describe how bad it is….really difficult and scary situation to be a part of….yes there are ways to get out…when i get the chance i will…and never look back….but as of now it is suffering that is the worst ive ever experienced….at the hands fo a really wicked cruel extreme sadist…torturer…and he doesnt stop…..he will fight and fight claming…he dosent awnt to see me…tel me to write him apology letters for this…do that now….i write him letters, then he’ll tell me…then the letters aernt good enough…..weeks/months of torture arent good enough, destroying my portfolio, giving him phonesex, degrading me, lying, conning manipulating….worse he can do what he wants to me….arrogantly just justifies it denies it turns it around on me….then goes back to “i dont want to SEE YOU I GET NOTHING FROM YOU”! same horrific game but this time he has turned it into much much worse and beyond unbearable… worse he says im a pathological liar im this that.. i jsut take from people suck them dry, as he’s taking from me sucking dry… projceting horrifically….and yelling tons of projections and talking about how holy he is and how he never cheated on me….all sorts of lies bs…(he was never with me and cheated daily 24/7) then claims i was a cheater…more to up himself up and put me down…i use people, i take money….then he says he can see me if i pay him 50.00…even after all that torture….so so crazy and horrendous all while he is torturing me through black magic…and making me awnt him as well and literally just for fun….suffering the way i did helped me truly realize….the true sick monster he is….rather than being brainwashed in so many ways…confused..conned….though i knew but its different now…….and scary….so scary it just becomes a worse n worse nightmare….it is somethin that was bad before, but bad now on a different level…the worst that sadist has doen to me yet….and for him torturing me is just a pastime….its a hobby he does…for fun….he denies, laughs, claims this…lies more….beyond scary…..im just scared for what ive had to go through…and scared…for what’s to come….and trying to plan an exit….from really nothing just having no contact.. before I think from all the lies I believed some goodness..some liesof how he ‘had done this for me’ but it was all lies manipulation brainwash…realize just how cruel he is…and that i was and am just a puppet he uses to mind scerw with and torture to extremes worse than a sadist… so no feelings involved on my part anymore… it is so scary that i’m not sure how to react anymore but freaking out about all the horrific things involved….all the sick mind games, how he’s even stalking me online, stalking me…wont see me or talk to me but is ruining my life…controlling for fun and a sick game….it is a nightmare….i wish i could wake up from….but can’t yet….and hope it is over soon….and hope to figure out a way for it to be over
for what satya said…not totally true for a lot of sp victims …and sp’s dont think they’re morally superior and people claiming moral superiority aren’t being arrogant…..sp’s are the worst most horrific people… they are demons ie demonic….evil cold…on another level….any human who doesnt hurt others who is decent with empathy IS superior to these sick creatures….one of the few things that makes people superior to others isnt looks money status…religion race ….its none of that…it is character, morals dignity…deeds action…. those who hutr others….cruelly….are the worst to exist…. anything stated about evil sick people like that in a derogatory form….isnt even worthy of the malice and hatred that they really deserve people to feel about them…..they are monsters….on so many levels….
it is not true that sp’s stroke people’s egos……every human wants love/affection….predators just use those things normal things that humans want love desire, as lure and bait to lure people…give them little of and keep them hooked….all humans or most want love affection that is a normal thing….SP’s are predators who use that to attack others…they use normal human feelings and emotions…to take advantage of those who possess them because they don’t….and to abuse torture control destroy inncoent people
also those who flatter or give attention…..that is how people start relationships, meet others and get interested….people question motives im sure but not everyone just thinks off the bat….oh, a psychopath…if you did u would be falsely setting yourself up for heartache without knowing the truth about the situation…..sp’s dont work by stroking people’s egos….they do by preying on them in various ways….they use extreme and harsh manipulation tactics to get to people and hook them in….people also dont enable wrongdoers, people are victims who feel trapped…and sometimes are trapped…..
Dear Melanie,
Darling as long as YOU ALLOW CONTACT WITH HIM he will continue to torture you.
You are only trapped as long as you feel trapped. RUN, do not walk away from him and the torture. If you have to act like a coyote and chew off your own leg to get out of the trap, then DO IT! Don’t lay there and continue to let him poke sticks at you because your leg is caught. GET YOURSELF LOOSE so that you can LIVE! Don’t let him make your life a living hell. RUN!~!!!!!! (((Hugs))))