The two most recent Letters to Lovefraud both had the same theme: Sociopathic men who relentlessly pursued women, proclaiming their love, making glowing promises of a committed relationship. The men pushed for sex, and although the women resisted, eventually, believing they were involved in real romances, the women succumbed to the men’s physical desires. With that, both women were dumped.
Read the letters here:
I met him on Facebook, was used for sex and dumped the next day
I felt bonded, even though this made me nauseated
Both women were astounded at how they were unceremoniously booted. They had a hard time coming to grips with the idea that they’d been used and abused. How could a man say all those wonderful things and not mean them? How could a man who talked so eloquently about love be lying? How could a man paint such a beautiful picture of the future and then discard me? Was there something wrong with me? Wasn’t I sexy enough? Smart enough? Pretty enough?
Both women tried to get answers from the men. The men, however, never admitted the true reason that they did what they did:
They wanted to.
Core of a sociopath
Sometimes it’s hard for us to get our minds around how truly different sociopathic individuals are from the rest of us. This is understandable. After all, 96% to 99% of people are like us—capable of love and consideration.
But that 1% to 4% who are sociopaths—well, they might as well be aliens. These people:
- Feel no empathy at all towards other human beings
- Have no conscience
- Are interested only power, control and sex
This is the core of a sociopath—no empathy, no conscience and desiring only power, control and sex.
Implications
So what does this mean? It means sociopaths feel entitled to take what they want, regardless of how their actions may damage others. It means they get no satisfaction from connectedness with others, they only get satisfaction from winning. It means sociopaths view the world as predators and prey—they are the predators and everyone else is prey.
This is shocking. Mind-blowing. Impossible to understand.
So we cannot try to understand. We can only accept. This is how they are.
They do not want us as lovers, partners, friends or family members. They want power, control and sex.
oh please of course they stroke people’s egos….but its not the fault of the victim and predators prey in many forms….not just that and mostly in the way of taking advantage of others.. its ridiculous to assert that predators function because people need their ‘egos stroked’…that is so not true….that is some stupid statement that puts blame on victims….for no reason….its not empowering…and its really not that true…as predators prey in all sorts of forms not just ‘stroking the egos of willing victims’
and of course u nderstand the context of abuse…its very similar…but thats not the point….u cant sit around telling people….omg no contact no contact…just do it…and if ur not somethings wrong with you…..ur just not willing…..that is just so sad…..and its not right to do to anyone in any abused situation… even worse that I have to sit here explaining to you that those statements are so wrong and even abusive towrads those suffering or victims…well i got away from a sociopath and u can too?? hey ive gotten away from sociopaths narcissists and suffered tons of abusive situations and kind of know a lot about it…so someone trying to tell me that im staying because i expect a guy to change..or because…some other bs reason is just rude- sorry but ti is rude to assert a statement about someone’s situation while they are expressing extreme grief—its mean..so if youre defending buttons original statements..so sad that u want to try so hard to defend that statement but that is abusive towards a victim.. if someone is telling me what they are going through and i say..well it sounds like….u just dont wanna get away! oh well! or maybe you just dont want no contact…. a lot of nasty people say those things…towards people in bad situations…condescending..and rude…adn worse while they aer not even going through that or are over it…or something…so wrong….so im not sure what you’re trying to do or say…or what u are trying to prove…really nothing….now you’re just a bunch of idiost trying to gang up on one person as any sheep of people usually do…for no real reason….absolutely so pathetic….this is turning into a really messed up place….
i see our words are being twisted a bit.
please be well, and take care of yourself.
Melanie, your words are: “also not everyone can leave a situation” and that’s not true. I did and so did many others.
If it makes you feel better to vent your anger, rage, and fury on me, that’s fine! I’ve taken worse, believe me! If it makes you feel better to believe that I’m an arrogant, ignorant narcissistic asshole, that’s fine.
Sometimes, truth, support, and encouragement isn’t always warm and fuzzy.
Brightest blessings.
after reading the post before my last one….peace, out.
a lot of ppl go through abusive situations in life not knowing theyre being abused and the moment they find out well….they try to change or get out….they seem to think that those who have prior knowledge of it.. are staying for a ‘reason’ or because they ‘get something out of it’ which is so untrue ignorant n stupid to think … those are the people who really have no clue about much when it comes to these things….so they feel that those who know….are enjoying it or staying for whatever reason…..again so not true….and why people think that awy is messed up
i dont think youre arrogant….and to think that just because u left a situation everyone else can is very ignorant…its like saying well if i did it anyone can…..not everyone can how can u even think that way and not everyone can at the current moment … if i skydived anyone can…..?? no not anyone can….maybe ur trying to be optimistic…..but that isnt realistic and a lot of people out there throw out ‘no contact’ 24/7….yeah no contact of course….but again it’s easier said than done…and that is not the simple solution to getting away from a bad situation…
Melanie –
When someone says to me, once I know what I am dealing with, once I have a clear understanding and once I make statements as you in fact did such as “IM PLANNING ON LEAVING” that you “hope to find a way for it to be over”….and caring, thoughtful people say to me yes, you really should try to GET OUT and have NO CONTACT and try to focus all your energies on that… personally I would receive that as support, truth and encouragement.
When someone says “get out” it does not mean “oh well its your fault” or “stop being a victim” IT MEANS GET OUT. Do whatever you can to get out. We all know at the very very end of the day…it comes down to choice over fear… choice over manipulation and even brainwash… and also an abundance of support from others. We dont support or condone “Staying” or yes this really would be a messed up place. Nor do we condone ganging up on anyone or we would be removed from this site by the administrator.
Because of your awareness of what and who you are dealing with my advice would be to start protecting yourself, follow through with plans to get out. I empathize for what you are going through and have dealt with, but focusing on that is not going get you to a safer healthier place.
You cannot control how people reach out to you, if you dont receive it as its intended, then you dont. If you do choose to receive it with how its intended by me – to offer you support and the bottom line …GET OUT. If you want to talk about strategies, support groups, options we all have been there and have so many to share.
I can read you pain and fear and isolation. It will be there whether you stay or get out….but there is hope for recovery and healing from ALL OF IT once you get out. There is only recurring cycles and cycles of it the longer you stay.
We are here for you, if you would like our support and advice.
My ex sociopath is back with his wife. He was able to buy her back. She can have him because I sure as HELL do not want him making my life miserable. WTF-preying on naive nice younger women who are prettier and more desirable than what he had at home. Each time he finds the new victim, he tells her that she is the only one, that he’s NEVER cheated on his wife before. Sometimes they don’t even know he’s married. He likes sex but can’t stand to touch the woman he’s married to.
OMG-I am so glad that he is not spathing my life up anymore. I’m strong and single. His wife though is FULLY AWARE of what he IS and what he DOES. She continues to stay and put up with him. She loves his money but she doesn’t need it. She perfectly manage well financially on her own but she chooses to stay anyway. I wonder if she will ever decide to LEAVE and GET AWAY from him forever and start her life over. If she continues to stay, knowing that he will continue to have sex with all kinds of women, I sure hope that she remembers that SHE CHOSE NOT TO LEAVE. She could have made a brand life for herself but CHOSE TO STAY.
Oh well-SO not my concern anymore!
Melanie,
No one here has attacked you, only trying to steer you in a good direction, getting to a safe place of existence where you can recover from the abuse that you’ve endured. All of the posters are advising you to get away from the abusive person, the spath. Do it for yourself. Forget about him, save yourself ASAP.
Melanie,
It took me years. I understand. But at the end the thing that made it urgent was an event which was undeniable and a book called The Four Agreements.
It started with the Four Agreements. Simple, easy reading that helped me. Maybe it will help you.
Do what you can. Make the plans you can. Use the knowledge to your advantage.
Be safe above all else. Be safe. If that is an issue, there are things you can do right now and people who will help if you ask for it.
If you want to talk about your ideas or constraints, we’re here to share information and experience.
If you just need to talk, we’re here for that. And sometimes we just come here to goof around and keep company which is a kind of support too.
What we can, we will do, what we can’t we will say and nobody expects every body to agree on everything. What we all know is the sooner you can end the contact, the better you will feel faster.
Sometimes you can’t do it overnight. I do understand that.
Hang in there, do the best you can.
We’ll be right here.
get away from the sociopath… i think people have pretty much come to terms with that phrase…maybe 100’s of times…and i think it comes down to again…..getting away is not something u do overnight…and saying get out over n over again makes absolutely no sense? so i dont undesrstand why people keep spewing that… its like telling someone “hey get out”…. well i cant right now and can’t really……oh well…get out now! get away get out…..this is a little absurd.. i understand the need to give advice but to consistently spew get out like 500 times…is a little overboard…. no offense but that makes absoluetly no sense….but yes i think everyone agrees u do need to get out….but getting out doesnt mean the same thing for everyone and it is not the same situation…
and yes u cant do it overnight….and i too have dealt with sp’s numerous times and narcs….so i dont understand why people are constantly spewing these words….. even after everything that has been written the same…not only redundant unhelpful but it makes no sense….to keep saying it….
well to erin….im young and pretty and opposite for me…..the sp i dealt with used young/pretty to torture/deprive/degrade and never even be around and mind fuck mostly on a phone…. so for me it’s like…but wait…you had such a pretty girl who u never wanted to be around or have sex with….yet u go out of your way to have sex with ugly fat women….the worst part is….it doesnt matter what u look like…if ur a victim….they take your beauty and dstroy it anyway possible…if youre not pretty well they will probably go for pretty just to make u feel like crap….in fact i had people saying “wait….he found someone hotter than you”??? im like no….he treated me lower than crap from the beginning…he wont see me or be with me but put me thru severe psych torture made me pay him money just to be in his presence for 2-3 hours then kick me out… while he’s mind torturing me on a phone he’s having sex with and seeing everyone else….and he was a sugar daddy to other pretty girls….just not to me.. he used me lower than anything…..as an object just to degrade on a phone…..begging to see him so he can say hey i have this beautiful girl who i torture wrapped around my finger…im so powerful….he wont see me for 4-5 weeks just mind scrweing me….i had people say….oh he’s older….he gave u a lot of money? i’d be like no….he makes me pay him to see him and wont even see me in person….but not only that coupled with tons of severe mental torture..basically taking and sucking from me in every way possible…before he can give me only 2-3 hours of his presence or time….then kick me out…and make me feel as if he did me a favor…just horrid sick stuff…they use anything you have against you…so for pretty girls they work harder to destroy….their self esteem and put them through mental horrors unimaginable….mental torture that i can’t even fathom as everything around you is hell and reminds you of what the sociopath deprived u of and how horribly he treated you….whereas men are begging women for sex…the sp has a pretty girl paying him to see a creepy old guy….so what that does to self esteem….is pretty horrific…u can be the hottest girl and they can degrade you to a level where u are jealous of every female on this planet… for never having to be abused in such a sick way and for men wanting them sexually.. worse they do it as a projection…everything that you may do to a stranger who treats u like garbage—they treat u that way.. they act like…eww i dont want u near me…they torture ur mind and self esteem to where u aer jealous of everyone else…when in fact the opposite is true– others are jealous of you…but they torture so the projection is reversed and now u are feeling everything not only that they feel about life and others, how they feel about you…soon u are jealous of everything because of what sp did to your life, mind soul self esteem.. ie projective identification….they project into you…the feelinsg they have over others the jealousy, adn the jealousy they have for you…and being pretty the jealousy others might have towards u as well, so now it’s all reversed and you’re the jealosu one of everyone or everything….for the sp did to you….everything u every possessed within is shattered…and how u perceived reality is warped too for the warped twisted things they do to a person and their psyche…..they can destroy your sexual power….everything your being soul….so with an SP looks mean nothing….they take beautiful women and shatter them on levels indescribable…they take anyone and do that…..to this day the SP never had sex with me..for.3 years…im a virgin….im really beautiful….just reject me sexually saying “i dont wanna fuck you’ who wants to fuck that?? telling me to go have sex with other guy.s…he will even say that in order to be able to see him…this after many weeks of not seeing him…that i have to get with another guy and ‘make him happy’ and tell him the story…ick not that i ever did but how horrifically twisted…scary sick.. while ur asking to see the sp..not asking u are suffering horribly asking as he’s been messing with you for weeks…refusing to see you…leading u on…he is telling u to go get with other guys and this is his horrid way of ‘degrading’ u… in the meantime he is out doing and banging any creature….while saying to me…i dont wanna see you! i dont WANT to fuck you..whereas any guy would be begging to get with a pretty girl…well he did the opposite—rejected tortured deprived and to extreme levels…he made her beg him for sex, while he rejected completely…from the beginning and still hadnt had sex with her..worse he’s out having sex with anyone else…so instead of seeing his extremely beautiful hot girlfriend..like any normal guy would….he mind screwed tortured deprived put her thru extreme suffering..made her beg suffer…for days weeks…do weird commands over n over again- tell her to degrade herself, write letters, go buy this, do that..give him phonesex..for days, weeks…just to be able to see him for a few hours….under strict brutal conditions…then get kicked out.. this..after several weeks….in the meantime daily he goes to different random people–ugly fat women at wal-mart…trailer trash to get sexual favors, have sex with….all sorts of disgusting people….all while he had a ‘pretty virgin girl’ on the side suffering to see him week after week….who he’s mind screwing on a phone…so she can ‘finally’ see him maybe after 2-3 weeks for a few hours..he still refuses sex with her….and after he kicks her out she has to drive an hour back to her place…he’s off to some place to have sex with who knows what, some bar slut for a one night stand…and he wont see the ‘really hot pretty girl’ for another 3-5 weeks…while he is screwing with her head on a phone or in other ways..he will keep saying “I DONT WANNA SEE YOU” i dont wanna be with you…but its all a game reverse psych and hell just to mind screw her….so sick twisted scary…he never slept two nights in a row in bed with me in three years… just stupid crazy stuff….they destroy anyone’s self esteem…in every way possible…and that psych torture to me….is the worst that i personalyl cant even conceive of being able to handle or deal with….and with this sp its even worse as his goal was to only ‘degrade’ the victim and idea of degradation was so extreme and horrific….that the stories are so sickening….that….u can never get them out of your reality…the horrific things he did….or any of them do…just so they can destroy their victims souls and in any way possible….