The two most recent Letters to Lovefraud both had the same theme: Sociopathic men who relentlessly pursued women, proclaiming their love, making glowing promises of a committed relationship. The men pushed for sex, and although the women resisted, eventually, believing they were involved in real romances, the women succumbed to the men’s physical desires. With that, both women were dumped.
Read the letters here:
I met him on Facebook, was used for sex and dumped the next day
I felt bonded, even though this made me nauseated
Both women were astounded at how they were unceremoniously booted. They had a hard time coming to grips with the idea that they’d been used and abused. How could a man say all those wonderful things and not mean them? How could a man who talked so eloquently about love be lying? How could a man paint such a beautiful picture of the future and then discard me? Was there something wrong with me? Wasn’t I sexy enough? Smart enough? Pretty enough?
Both women tried to get answers from the men. The men, however, never admitted the true reason that they did what they did:
They wanted to.
Core of a sociopath
Sometimes it’s hard for us to get our minds around how truly different sociopathic individuals are from the rest of us. This is understandable. After all, 96% to 99% of people are like us—capable of love and consideration.
But that 1% to 4% who are sociopaths—well, they might as well be aliens. These people:
- Feel no empathy at all towards other human beings
- Have no conscience
- Are interested only power, control and sex
This is the core of a sociopath—no empathy, no conscience and desiring only power, control and sex.
Implications
So what does this mean? It means sociopaths feel entitled to take what they want, regardless of how their actions may damage others. It means they get no satisfaction from connectedness with others, they only get satisfaction from winning. It means sociopaths view the world as predators and prey—they are the predators and everyone else is prey.
This is shocking. Mind-blowing. Impossible to understand.
So we cannot try to understand. We can only accept. This is how they are.
They do not want us as lovers, partners, friends or family members. They want power, control and sex.
One-step
The first candle I light in my peace garden will be for you and everyone at LF…Im sorry to read that you’re not feeling right. Take care. prayers for the pain to somehow lessen!
Good morning you guys. I was hoping for a little insight/wisdom even though I probably know the answer.
The s and I have been broken up since last Sept. and there is no way either one of us will get back together because I get the s thing and he of course moved on/had someone else about 30 seconds after we split if even that long and of course he said he is not looking or with anyone. I know that is a lie.
I have only talked to him a few times in the last 8 months and it was only technical questions related to the field I am in. Anyway one of the few times I have called (he never has) his phone service was disconnected and by email he told me he was going through chemotherapy and let his phone service lapse.
Of course being the liar he is I wasn’t sure if this was the truth but just in case I offered my help as in bringing him a meal or whatever I could do. He absolutly refused and I thought this was odd considering how weak and sick one can get after treatment.
Ok fast foward a few months the next time I talk to him he says he is fine and has a clean bill of health. Then a month later I try to call and his phone is off and he is not answering emails (he usually does) It has now been two months and his phone is still off and no response from emails.
At first I thought he was on vacation. And then worried he may be in the hospital w/ cancer. I tried to call a friend of his but they will not return my call. I am not surprised because who knows what kind of story the s made up about me after we broke up.
Anyway this is making me crazy not knowing thinking he is in the hospital or maybe jail or even dead. But he is a control freak and an s so maybe not talking to me to make me worry.
I understand the no contact rule and how important that is, and it looks like he does too. lol…however I am not an s, well I hope not anyway. What to do?
Dear pilgrimage,
You offer a few possibilities as to the reasons why phone is disconnected and no emails…but you also need to consider he may have changed his number and is now using a different email.
Also, once we go NO CONTACT (which he has and you havent quite gotten there yet) but once we go NO CONTACT for very good and healthy reasons – there is always the chance in life that anything can happen to anyone and we wont know. They can go on and get married have children, become alcoholics, remain toxic people, get sick, go to jail, etc. But we have already realized that they were not someone healthy for us in our lives. They made choices that werent in our best interest and they have moved on.
You cant trust him or anything he says, by your own admission. So you probably already know that the chances are fairly great that he is alive and well and functioning on the level he chooses to.
Since you have a choice of how you view this situation, why not choose to view it that he has a new number and has moved on vs. choosing to view it as the hospital, or jail or dead. You have the choice to view it as what he told you he is fine and has a clean bill of health.
Make no more attempts to contact him. You have been broken up since last Sept and as you said there is no way you will get back together with someone you cant trust or who doesnt treat you right. AND when you offered help (red flag setting yourself up for more hurt and pain) he rejected it. So you must take it as face value.
What to do? Keep moving forward. Whatever helps you to do so that doesnt involve contacting him or his friends. If ever you are meant to know something – the universe has a way of making sure you do. So if you thinking he is in jail helps you move on or if you thinking he is fine and just changed his number/email helps you move on – then think whichevr one works for you — and focus on best way for you to move on.
The knowledge of either scenario will not really benefit you. He is not interested in the goodness and caring spirit you offer. So take care of yourself and put your energies toward healthy relationships 🙂 Good luck!!
Hi, Pilgim. May I be blunt? If you had gone NC from the beginning, you wouldn’t be feeling crazy and confused now. It’s amazing the power they hold over us…the power tp manipulate our emotions, get into our heads and screw with them.
This is not to say that he may not be ill, in jail, or whatever, but if he is, it’s not your problem…he’s not even making it your problem, so why take it on?
I hope I’ve helped a little….I know how hard it is to get free from these whack jobs. Look up the rticle NC begins in your head, here in the archives. It’s a good one.
Sorry you are feeling sooo bad one step….I wish I could make all your pain go away. Maybe this is a good day to relax.
Hi Silver. How are you?
learning, thank you and yes I must imagine or make up a scenaro of his whereabouts… seems fitting as the relationship turned out to be pretend on his part and left me with filling in the blanks of whatever I imagined it to be, of course at the time I didn’t know that was my role.
His falling off the face of the earth has me a little worried as well, thinking he is really doing something evil to get back at me and that is why he is not communicating now….alas. I need to snap out of it!:(
Hi Kim and yes I know if I had gone truly nc this would not be happening. I guess when I said I “understood nc,” I really didn’t lol Then maybe I am really hoping he is in jail. I wish I had better ways to make me stop thinking of him.
Where did everybody go? Did I run ya’ll off?
Satya
Yes I know you are right. I have some work to do on myself! Important work or I know I will end up with another socio/psychopath and spiral back in to the role of supreme victim once again. I no longer want to be a victim.
I want to be a survivor. I want to be at peace in my own mind. I want to be able to trust myself finally. I want to have REAL boundaries. I want to be able to say “That is not OK and I am going to leave now and have nothing further to do with this person.”
NOT to make excuses-but when you are raised by parents who are not only narcissists but alcoholics-you learn to put yourself last. You also learn that all that craziness is NORMAL for you.
That is one of the best things about this site. It’s finally being able to see and realize -Wow, That’s really NOT ok is it? I mean all these people on here can’t be wrong. All these articles. It changed my frame of reference and that is what finally gave me the courage to stand up for myself and start getting out. The divorce papers are ready and so am I.
I know it won’t be easy. I know he will try to play me. I am going to do what everyone suggests and go NO CONTACT. The sooner I get him out of my head the sooner I can heal and move on with my life.
I have read several books on this site and many more. I am also planning to read “The Gift Of Fear” by Gavin De Becker. I heard it was a good book. Has anyone else read it?
I also am planning on having some alone time- that means no romantic relationship for a least a year so I have time to recover from all this. I am going to focus on my life and career. I plan to work some overtime and save some money. He cashed out my retirement and I have no savings either thanks to him and his financial management.
It is what it is honey!
OK- I haven’t been on here forever (only a year and a half) and I’m not an expert contributor but I will say this:
Melanie:
Please girl, print off and read all of your posts. Read them and re-read them. And then please find someone you can trust and talk to them because you are so in need of someone to talk to. You will need some support that goes above and beyond what a website can provide you with. And then please let us know how you are doing because everyone on here does care about you and what happens to you. You have to get away from that guy or he is going to kill you. You will never recover from being dead. Oh and BTW- stay away from Black Magic! Don’t invite the devil into your life. It’s sounds like you already have a miniature version of the devil torturing you! Enough already!
Pilgrimage:
You pretty much answered your own questions on your post. So yes- he’s doing this on purpose to “get to you”. And you are right- you do not want to know what he told those friends of yours. And you don’t want to know that he was really lying about the whole cancer thing too. As for calling him about technical questions, as we say in the South.. “Girl pleeeease.” I have the entire works of Shakespeare on my iPhone. If I want to know something I can look it up on line 24/7 and so can you. So cut your ties to him. But it will make it easier if you write it down. Write it all down to remind yourself of what an unbelievable liar he was/is. Then you can just be mad at him and you won’t have any desire to call him or feel sorry for him. Good luck. And don’t you dare take him any food!! (unless you were going to throw it away.)
LOVE Y’ALL!
hi kim- lng time since we were here together- how are you?