The two most recent Letters to Lovefraud both had the same theme: Sociopathic men who relentlessly pursued women, proclaiming their love, making glowing promises of a committed relationship. The men pushed for sex, and although the women resisted, eventually, believing they were involved in real romances, the women succumbed to the men’s physical desires. With that, both women were dumped.
Read the letters here:
I met him on Facebook, was used for sex and dumped the next day
I felt bonded, even though this made me nauseated
Both women were astounded at how they were unceremoniously booted. They had a hard time coming to grips with the idea that they’d been used and abused. How could a man say all those wonderful things and not mean them? How could a man who talked so eloquently about love be lying? How could a man paint such a beautiful picture of the future and then discard me? Was there something wrong with me? Wasn’t I sexy enough? Smart enough? Pretty enough?
Both women tried to get answers from the men. The men, however, never admitted the true reason that they did what they did:
They wanted to.
Core of a sociopath
Sometimes it’s hard for us to get our minds around how truly different sociopathic individuals are from the rest of us. This is understandable. After all, 96% to 99% of people are like us—capable of love and consideration.
But that 1% to 4% who are sociopaths—well, they might as well be aliens. These people:
- Feel no empathy at all towards other human beings
- Have no conscience
- Are interested only power, control and sex
This is the core of a sociopath—no empathy, no conscience and desiring only power, control and sex.
Implications
So what does this mean? It means sociopaths feel entitled to take what they want, regardless of how their actions may damage others. It means they get no satisfaction from connectedness with others, they only get satisfaction from winning. It means sociopaths view the world as predators and prey—they are the predators and everyone else is prey.
This is shocking. Mind-blowing. Impossible to understand.
So we cannot try to understand. We can only accept. This is how they are.
They do not want us as lovers, partners, friends or family members. They want power, control and sex.
fame2: OMG!
“a season, reason, or a lifetime” thing
I got the same thing after our breakup.
I swear, it’s like they all must attend some spath school!
Muldoon –
I wanted to say that your experience really resonated with mine. After being in love with my NSpath (he fit both categories) for a year, and giving all I had and more (to the point of draining myself on every level), I realized the hollow-ness of his every ‘affectionate’ action. One day we saw a man get robbed on the street (a criple, who was pushed down). My first instinct was to run and help him (the criminal who did it was already long gone), and my ex said ‘No, don’t get involved in other people’s business’….BUT, after my ex saw that a crowd of people had gathered around the injured man, my ex dropped me like a hot potato, ran up to the scene, just so he could play the role of the shining ‘savior’ for an audience. In other words, the only genuine interest my ex had in this poor, crippled man who had just been brutally robbed was an interest in the possibility of attention, and a good story to tell the next day, to promote his image (which was really spotless, everyone LOVES my ex Spath).
As far as I can tell, they have no humanity, no souls, nothing genuine exists inside of them anymore, these people are true monsters. So what does that make us? I often wonder about that one.
I was once the quintessential victim, exceedingly vulnerable, wounded and desperate for love that I never received from my parents. Every using, abusing monster that ever crossed my path took an immediate interest in me. I have at least 10 ‘people’ (and I use the term generously) who’d like nothing better than to destroy me because I’ve shut them and their abuse out of my life.
So, I’ve closed the door on abuse, having recognized it for what it is, but I want to know when a new life can begin for me, one with a statistically sound proportion of kind and decent people in it? It hasn’t happened. I feel like a lightening rod for sociopathic turmoil. I bring out the monster in them, and I escaped from one nightmare right into another, and then another. So I have slammed shut and bolted every door to them, as much as humanly possible, and I wait for the proverbial ‘next door’ to open. You know, people always say that when one door closes, another opens. I wait and I wait, I work and I work, and it’s hell in the hallway.
My real concern now has to do with how to get to that next door, the one that’s actually going to let me into a world without the constant threat and drain of having to protect myself from sociopathic abuse.
Every day I search for a new way to purify myself, strengthen myself, protect myself, advance myself, love myself, care for myself, while I’m still stuck in the hallway. I hear the spaths that I dumped crying and shrieking victim to anyone who’ll listen to them, and pounding away from the other sides of the doors, ready to go for my jugular should they ever find a way to get the doors open. I stand bewildered but wiser in the hallway, having done all that I can think to do to save myself, while looking like the ‘bad guy’ to all my former friends who have been duped by the spaths, and waiting for a miracle, either from within or out. I don’t care what kind of new beginning happens for me, as long as it’s right for me, but it seems like God is saying, “no, you need more time in the hallway.” I hope to understand someday why this continuing situation with the spaths is right for me, and I believe I will.
Psyche
I just wanted to take a moment to tell all of you how much you have been helping me. I suffer PTSD from a 26 yr nightmare to a sociopath who ruled by physical and mental abuse. It’s been eight yrs since I worked up the courage to leave and I still suffer nightmares most nights.
Finding this website has been such an amazing learning experience. I understand so much now…to the point that I’m even beginning to ‘recognize’ these type of people. It helps me so much to read all of the advice, your comments. I have cried many tears while doing so. I like to think that they are healing tears.
I work sixty plus hours a week keeping my business open so I don’t have time to comment often. But, please know that I’m there, in the background, reading and learning. Thank you all…
MissouriJewel,
I am so glad that Lovefraud is helping you. Just keep going – you can recover.
missourijewel –
I’m glad to hear from you, reading this website has helped me a lot too. I have PTSD, too. I might have only been with my spath ex for a short while, but I had parents like this too, and am 40 years old. So my whole life, up to now, has been a struggle for a chance to breathe without fear and exhaustion. I have no idea how long it’s going to take before I can re-wire myself into some sort of ‘normal’ human being, one whose life isn’t defined by being a victim.
I wish you the very best as you try to make your way, too, and am sure that every little bit we do to help ourselves does actually help us.
Psyche
I have to jump in anytime genetics vs environment goes into debate. I would have to agree with Oxy. We all have a choice. Most of you know genetics in regard to my children. I was very good to my kids, raised the first two w/o my first PX and the second with my second P. All three kids grew up [not that way as children] to be hard hearted and with many P traits. For me, my vote goes to genetics being the predominate reason these people go on for generations. I know when we breed horses we get what we breed, most of the time genetic[temperament] wise. We will see, even in the ones that are not solid genetics, traits of the breeding. My kids are drama king/queens telling stories of unfairness, abuse and betrayal. Sure, I have faults and am human, but these kids were never beaten, neglected or betrayed,[ heck, they never even walked home from school and I was always home with cooked food …their friends certainly thought it was great at our house!]…..this is all overblown fabrication in their minds. They continue to dramatize every occasion and then scream things are not fair. I raised these kids, the first two alone, the second one w/o much input from her dad and now…..they all blame me if they so much as get a hangnail. I am for educated input but am like Mark Twain, “Let’s not let our schooling get in the way of our education.”
MissouriJewel,
I was in a long term marriage with a P also. I have been out three years and suffer from some post traumatic symptoms, but they are lessening day by day. I am not triggered by as many things now, and except for dreams sometimes, am doing pretty well. I am still fragile relationship wise and don’t feel I can ever marry again. But, I’m ok with that, at this time, anyway. This is a great place to find help and understanding! My life changed when I read “Women Who Love Psychopaths” and found this blog. My refuge! So glad you are finding what you need here also. Best healing wishes to you!
Oxy…
Its very confusing. I do believe that we are geneticly predisposed…My older sister and one of my cousins are so alike and they grew up in different families and never saw each other growing up. They talk alike and both married Irish guys and both had kids with them and both abandoned their children and husbands when the kids were very young.
Alice feels that the environment we grew up in can make or break us, which is true too. I guess its both. IDK.
All I know is that I don’t ‘hate’ sociopaths or murderers or con men. I don’t ever want to be around them, but I feel that they are what they are..messed up. And, the older I get, the more I realize that there are more “messed up” people out there than “normal”. I always said that 80% are out there…not in the institutions or jails!
Now, why I always felt sorry for people and gave them the benefit of the doubt and was too nice …is another question.
The answer is that “I” have a weakness too. My self esteem has always been low and I know its from the abuse I lived through as a child of a “sick” sociopath.
I just want to be “normal” and healthy. I don’t want to be a cold hearted sociopath and I don’t want to be an insecure woman. That is what I am working on….building my self esteem and only dealing with people in my personal life that are “healthy”.
Everyone has issues, but I don’t need to be around selfish, narcissistic, abusive users ever again. I don’t even bother with my sisters anymore. I’m done. And, it feels great. I take care of ME and my children.
Alot of the post are hitting home for me and it’s good to know that I’m not alone. I never realized this was such a big deal until I met the sociopath in my life. When we met, he lied about everything…how many kids he has, his marital status, family situation…just EVERYTHING. We now have a 3 year old and I am terrified of the fact that she might turn out like her dad.
He came back around last month after two years of being away. I put him out because the lies continued and he had no intentions of working and supporting our daughter. He had multiple “internet relationships” while in my home. I busted him and put him out. I have been doing fine since then until he came to visit a few weeks ago. Once again I just want to expose him to all the women who he’s conning. It’s like I’m getting obsessed with it. HELP!!
Interesting, isn’t it, how genetics, environment and free choice all play into the equation? For me, I still don’t see the total answer. But, I do know I am not going waste any more time trying to fix any of these people. But, I am still curious about the answer.