What sociopaths want: power, control and sex

I am responding to Buttons comment on 05/10/10 about trusting our instincts and wanted to offer my insight as to a particular moment in time relative to that topic. When this person who I now know to be an NPD asked me to marry him (was unaware of this concept 5 yrs. ago when the relationship started) my intuition/”sixth sense” kept telling me something wasn’t right about the situation despite that he was saying all the correct words and acting in a way that seemed appropriate for the circumstance. I forced myself to disregard that nagging feeling of confusion b/c I had no frame of reference for that feeling of something not being right although we were involved in a whirlwind “romance.” I see now how rushed it was (2 mo. into the relationship) and that it was based on sex and when I tried to have discussions about common goals, lifestyles preferences, etc., he would avoid the conversation and rage about how I was saying that he “wasn’t worthy of me.” Of course, if people want to sustain a healthy relationship, such commonalities should be discussed prior to a commitment. However, I see now that he avoided the conversation at all costs b/c it would bring to light the fact that he wasn’t a suitable choice for me, that he could not express who he really was b/c even he doesn’t know or if he does, knows it would not have been what I wanted. I understand now that he wanted to possess me for qualities that he saw in me that if he was with me- in his mind- would be a reflection of him. Back to the point at hand, however, is that when he made his hurried “bid” to “secure” me while on the high of a great sexual connection (I understand now that he is adept in this area and used- as he has on others- this to incite a connected feeling in me toward him)- well, I understand now- in hindsight- and through relentless research for the past 4 yrs. that the strange feeling I had that seemed to be saying “danger/ be careful, etc.” was, in fact, exactly that! Intuition is a powerful and meaningful thing that I believe we discount in this superficial society b/c it does not offer concrete proof, but it was alerting me to the fact that he was a fraud. Of course I only understand that particular situation (I still recall the exact moments of feeling those feelings and being confused as to why I was sensing something strange, and thinking in my head “hmmm something’s not right here but I can’t put my finger on it”) in hindsight. What I gleaned is this: If I had listened to my instinctual feelings and took some time (if meant to last what’s a few more months to give to the relationship before deciding) I may have discovered that my intuition was alerting me to something that may have turned out to be a small issue, or, to the contrary, as in this case, I understand that it was alerting me to the fact that he was saying “the right things” but that they were not based on authentic feelings, but rather, were designed to illicit the response he wanted me to give to “win his prize.” Bottom line: listen to your intuition, because you won’t know necessarily immediately what it’s telling you, but it’s perceiving SOMETHING and it should not be discounted (as I did on that occasion). This is probably one of the most important things I’ve learned from my experience. As this difficult and ongoing situation continues (have a child now with him too), I’m still having trouble forgiving myself for being so gullible. So much I could express but really was just wanting to speak on the subject of intuition…boy, how I wished I would have paid attention to that voice in my head…now I have a son that I understand NOW has the same genetic predispositions but whose father will enable those very behaviors to develop. I was explaining my concerns about our son and his aggressive behavior and what I believe to be his abnormal response to correction (positive and negative reinforcement)- I instructed him to sit on a time-out and he screamed at me that “he will not do what I say”, ripped into shreds very willfully directions I just printed off the computer, and yelled at me that “he doesn’t love me anymore” (he is only 3 by the way)- and this occurred b/c I asked him to do something when he wanted to do something else. I know that for a 3 yr. old, it is normal to become frustrated and if he just screamed and kicked while on the time-out that would have been o.k.- it just seemed quite advanced and quite concerning that he’s already so quick to try and toy with feelings as soon as he doesn’t immediately get his way (I don’t love you anymore) and so willful at 3 to actually try to assert authority over his adult mother at 3 (by REFUSING to sit down and coming toward me to rip up the paper, and when he did that I did try to spank him on the butt, and he actually punched me 3 times (so hard that, not only did it hurt, but I actually as ridiculous as it may seem, felt fear and I’m not trying to be dramatic b/c I know he’s only 3, but I felt fear)- his preschool teacher having of course no knowledge of this told me that my son had hit her as well and “that he’s really strong for his age, it actually hurt when he hit me”- sorry for the tangent, but when I relayed my concerns- although didn’t tell him about the teacher’s remarks- to the father, his concern was that I didn’t tell our son that his punches actually hurt and more concerning to me when I remarked how I was concerned about his cunning at this age to try and use the “I don’t love you anymore” clearly to try and hurt my feelings to get his way or to affect me (very much how his father would act toward me although son did not see this so he didn’t pick it up firsthand) anyway the father said verbatim: “We should be proud of him because, after all, manipulation is a survival skill and he’s just trying to learn it.” I felt like my jaw dropped when he said that so I said something to illicit a response to see if he would try and alter how he (the father) phrased what he said if he detected concern in my voice, but he seemed oblivious and said the same thing again, that it was a good thing that he was learning how to manipulate, that that was what he was supposed to do (I think on this rare occasion he was saying something truthful to me as to how he really feels) In my mind, manipulation is the opposite of authentic. I feel so overwhelmed and helpless. I’m so worried and sometimes don’t even know how to proceed correctly…I have an older son with major issues, whose father was a big-time enabler- at this point, that’s a done deal as I don’t have a time machine to go back and apply my new knowledge to the past. My mother is also NPD and has Defiant disorder (my “diagnosis” after much research on the subject these last 4 yrs.) and I see how I’ve been attracted to these types of relationships and how having children with people who have these issue and realizing it’s a huge factor in my family as well, no wonder my children have these issues. What a mess…Thank goodness for whoever my father was b/c his genes obviously helped me out- don’t know who he is b/c my mother won’t tell me because “in her mind, I just belonged to her period.” (I almost have too much empathy…I actually still feel sorry- sometimes- for my NPD husband although I know to him I’m just a possession and that he doesn’t really care about me and I know intellectually that I shouldn’t beat myself up so much for being gullible, for not listening to my intuition, etc, etc, WHAT ABOUT HIS CULPABILITY IN DECEIVING ME? He always talked about how “crazy” his ex-wife was, how she tried to kill him, etc., wanted nothing to do with her, but yet come to find out- after conversing with her about what she knew about him and listening to her tell me very similar stories to what I experienced- that DURING THE HIGH POINT OF OUR COURTSHIP, he was making sexual overtures toward her to the point of physically whipping out his private parts, grabbing her, trying to have sex with her…certainly doesn’t sound like this was someone “he wanted nothing to do with” but yet a guy that I was still friends with after having dated a year before I was forced to not talk to at all anymore or that would be it…despite the fact that we were just friends- a double standard except that I honestly said that I did still LIKE him as a friend and certainly wasn’t trying to have sex with him like he was doing with someone who supposedly tried to kill him and who had kidnapped their daughter and was “crazy” just like I now have been accused of being)…Getting some of these thoughts out has been cathartic for me so please excuse the rambling…