The two most recent Letters to Lovefraud both had the same theme: Sociopathic men who relentlessly pursued women, proclaiming their love, making glowing promises of a committed relationship. The men pushed for sex, and although the women resisted, eventually, believing they were involved in real romances, the women succumbed to the men’s physical desires. With that, both women were dumped.
Read the letters here:
I met him on Facebook, was used for sex and dumped the next day
I felt bonded, even though this made me nauseated
Both women were astounded at how they were unceremoniously booted. They had a hard time coming to grips with the idea that they’d been used and abused. How could a man say all those wonderful things and not mean them? How could a man who talked so eloquently about love be lying? How could a man paint such a beautiful picture of the future and then discard me? Was there something wrong with me? Wasn’t I sexy enough? Smart enough? Pretty enough?
Both women tried to get answers from the men. The men, however, never admitted the true reason that they did what they did:
They wanted to.
Core of a sociopath
Sometimes it’s hard for us to get our minds around how truly different sociopathic individuals are from the rest of us. This is understandable. After all, 96% to 99% of people are like us—capable of love and consideration.
But that 1% to 4% who are sociopaths—well, they might as well be aliens. These people:
- Feel no empathy at all towards other human beings
- Have no conscience
- Are interested only power, control and sex
This is the core of a sociopath—no empathy, no conscience and desiring only power, control and sex.
Implications
So what does this mean? It means sociopaths feel entitled to take what they want, regardless of how their actions may damage others. It means they get no satisfaction from connectedness with others, they only get satisfaction from winning. It means sociopaths view the world as predators and prey—they are the predators and everyone else is prey.
This is shocking. Mind-blowing. Impossible to understand.
So we cannot try to understand. We can only accept. This is how they are.
They do not want us as lovers, partners, friends or family members. They want power, control and sex.
Hi Nobody’s Daughter –
I think almost everyone on this site can relate to your experience (and the need to ramble, and to speak about it with people who understand, and don’t blame, mock or belittle you for doing it).
I would describe myself in some ways that are similar to blueskies, I came from a family of NPDs, mixed with a few Spaths, and have spent the first 39 years of my life ‘coping’, not living (great phrase, Blueskies, btw). Just struggling to survive, always drained, always feeling guilty, bad, wrong or ashamed (a scapegoat and supply to all the Ns and Spaths I ever knew) because I didn’t catch on to what these disorders were all about until about age 36.
Anyway, I was wondering about your screen name – would you say that any of the trouble you experienced with your ex husband had anything to do with how you were brought up? I don’t want to pry, it’s just something that crossed my mind. I didn’t feel like I was anyone’s daughter, because my parents were worse than negligent, and I’m sure my upbringing had everything to do with me being duped by Ns and Spaths in my adult life. This may have nothing to do with your situation, just thot. I’d ask in case it did.
Take care,
Psyche
This is a great article.
I need to share something that I’m struggling with in the trauma bond with my ex spath. I’ve not gotten through all of these posts yet and I’m a little embarrassed and a little bit ashamed to admit that Spath used sex as a bonding weapon with me. It was the ONLY time during the relationship that I felt any “true” (if you can call it that now) connection with him.
The mechanics were great. But RARELY was there affection during sex. It doesn’t mean it didn’t exist, it was just RARE. I did everything he asked me too, but it was more novelty than anything else, because anything “fun” that would otherwise be shared in bed between two healthy people in love and trust, only happened ONCE with him. Never again. All the things he said he wanted to try, I did. As time went on, I began to see that I was an object for him. That we would ALWAYS have alcohol before sex. It lowered my inhibitions and made sex tolerable towards the end. The alcohol part of it scared the hell out of me. Even when I wasn’t “drunk” and merely buzzed, which was most of the time, I had “blackouts” and couldn’t remember the sex we had had. Was that trauma? It’s REALLY hard to work all of this through for me. I think inside I knew I wasn’t being loved and being used. I wanted to do the fun things we did, but I just had this nagging awful feeling that I would regret it later and really didn’t WANT TO WITH HIM! This is really bothering me a great deal.
It is this aspect that I’m having the most trouble with in trying to figure out what the sexual bond was REALLY all about.
I know with the new love bomb interest (I told her, but she had kinda figured he was weird already), he talked obsessively about wine. She told him she was not a big drinker and a lightweight and he jokingly referenced sex with the alcohol and being alightweight.
He wanted a drinking/fuck buddy and she felt that way too.
Is there any articles on this site that refer to sex and the Spath? I realize that’s a difficult issue and that there might not be articles or references here?
This has a huge hold on me. I really need to understand within myself the bonding, but also understand FULLY the Spath’s perspective on sex and why everyone said it was so good. Did you ever feel uncomfortable while it was happening, as if something just clearly wasn’t right and kept doing it anyway?
Advice on this one would be great.
Thanks
LL
Lesson.
You are right – this is a difficult subject to discuss because it’s very personal to each and everyone of US and that is the difference between us and spaths.
Whatever he did, he did it for his own sexual gratification. You and I did not come into the equation.
No affection, no cuddles, no stroking, no passion, just s*x.
At first i thought it was amazing but it just became about HIM and there was little enjoyment in it for me because there was no ‘love’
Candy,
THere was cuddling. But it felt “fake” and was infrequent. It wasn’t long after that either that night or the next day he was devaluing me again. It was never CONSISTENT.
Lesson, Fake is right. He would hold me, ‘pretend’ to cuddle, stroke etc but his heart/mind wasn’t in it. He was more interested in tv, going to sleep or having a smoke. They were only very short bursts (lasting for seconds) as though it was an inconvenience or maybe he just could not be bothered!
Candy…
aaaahhhh yes….tv…he would turn it off, light candles, have sex, turn the tv back on. He was super media addicted. I can’t count how many tv’s were in the house and one or two had to be on at all times.
I remember the last several months feeling FRIGHTENED to be spending the night with him. I lived for years for that to happen, and when it did, it STILL didn’t feel right! Sometimes, he would spoon me as we went to sleep and then randomly, he would say something incredibly cruel or mean to me. It was pitch black in that room and I remember just feeling UNSAFE and AFRAID!!!
I wondered if this happened with his wife too……
His bedroom, where it’s at……is dark…it’s creepy for so many reasons, while it’s decorated to have warmth………..it just felt scary in there! He lived in a beautiful home on beautiful property…
UGH!!!
Lesson – Tv all the time here too. Even when people were visiting I had to forcibly tell him to turn it off. Like he had to have brain feed from the thing all the time. Dark, yep. How do you mean frightened/scarey?
Candy.
It was ominous. I’m not sure if I can describe it. Like being in the presence of evil and trying to blow it off. I was afraid he’d do something to me. I could feel his HATE towards me. I didn’t feel safe and loved. Just like I was in the presence of an ever present, ominous evil force. I know that sounds really weird,but it bothered me…I was in fear of what he was going to do or say next to me…what was going to hurt me next.
I was very genuinely afraid of him. I wish I could describe it how I was feeling it, and how deep it really was…that fear….
Lesson. Wow very scarey, not sure I can help on this one, maybe the others on here can give you some insight as to why you felt this in his presence.
Mine was a TV addict too. He called it the TV GOD.
And the way he wielded the remote control was bizarre. He would wave it like a magic wand, casting a spell each time he changed the channel.
Now I understand that its because he’s infantile and somewhere in his mind he thinks he’s controlling other worlds with the push of a button.
Seriously though, it might be worth considering starting a new channel called the Sociopath Channel. We could use it as a babysitter for sociopaths to keep them sedated and out of trouble. It would have lots of drama and bright flashy colors.
Oh, wait, that’s just regular tv…