The two most recent Letters to Lovefraud both had the same theme: Sociopathic men who relentlessly pursued women, proclaiming their love, making glowing promises of a committed relationship. The men pushed for sex, and although the women resisted, eventually, believing they were involved in real romances, the women succumbed to the men’s physical desires. With that, both women were dumped.
Read the letters here:
I met him on Facebook, was used for sex and dumped the next day
I felt bonded, even though this made me nauseated
Both women were astounded at how they were unceremoniously booted. They had a hard time coming to grips with the idea that they’d been used and abused. How could a man say all those wonderful things and not mean them? How could a man who talked so eloquently about love be lying? How could a man paint such a beautiful picture of the future and then discard me? Was there something wrong with me? Wasn’t I sexy enough? Smart enough? Pretty enough?
Both women tried to get answers from the men. The men, however, never admitted the true reason that they did what they did:
They wanted to.
Core of a sociopath
Sometimes it’s hard for us to get our minds around how truly different sociopathic individuals are from the rest of us. This is understandable. After all, 96% to 99% of people are like us—capable of love and consideration.
But that 1% to 4% who are sociopaths—well, they might as well be aliens. These people:
- Feel no empathy at all towards other human beings
- Have no conscience
- Are interested only power, control and sex
This is the core of a sociopath—no empathy, no conscience and desiring only power, control and sex.
Implications
So what does this mean? It means sociopaths feel entitled to take what they want, regardless of how their actions may damage others. It means they get no satisfaction from connectedness with others, they only get satisfaction from winning. It means sociopaths view the world as predators and prey—they are the predators and everyone else is prey.
This is shocking. Mind-blowing. Impossible to understand.
So we cannot try to understand. We can only accept. This is how they are.
They do not want us as lovers, partners, friends or family members. They want power, control and sex.
Candy –
Yes. As mentioned on another thread earlier today, I have been married 3 times and in an engaged de facto relationship – so essentially, 4 long-term live-in relationships. I have (in addition to the usual “girl-gossip” on the subject and knowledge gained from extensive reading) a pretty good basis for real-life comparisons.
(BTW, there were also several short-term relationships thrown in between these for good measure….altogether 10 men in the past 23 years)(does it help my cause at all if I mention that I was a virgin on my wedding night at the age of 21? Well, I was…) (my goodness, I can’t quite believe that I’m sharing all of this, but I honestly feel it’s important because so many women on LF have only ever been in abusive and/or sociopathic relationships and might not have the benefit of the comparisons I am about to disclose)
So here I go – for the greater good of the online community –
I’ll start with the short-term relationships. Only one short-termer showed inklings (during our brief 2-week fling) of a potential for perversion. Not that he did anything or that he even tried to suggest that we do anything that I wasn’t comfortable with, just that his attitude toward my own clearly-stated stance on what I considered to be perverted, was decidedly laid-back (no pun intended…) and vague. Interestingly, this man (who I quickly dumped after realising he was some kind of nutter) is the one I saw on television some months later, being interviewed on a current affairs program, due to the fact that he had become a cult leader and he and his “followers” were waiting for spaceships to take them to another planet…………………DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!!! WARNING!!!!
My gut instinct had told me that something was not quite right with him shortly before he began to tell me that he believed in aliens and that he was going to live on another planet in the future (until that point, our conversations had been within the realms of normality). He also told me that he was a very charismatic person and could convince other people to follow him. Those conversations all took place during the course of one evening and I took them as my cue to jump ship. I refused to see him after that night and he stalked me for the next 9 months. The TV broadcast was somewhere in the middle of the 9 months of stalking and it scared the living daylights out of me.
Was he a spath? Possibly. It was over too soon for me to know – too soon for the mask to slip completely – although the talk about his “controlling” others by becoming a charismatic leader tends to support the possibility. Also – I was thoroughly “love-bombed” during the 2 weeks that we were together, as well as for weeks afterward. Flowers would arrive for me at work, etc. even though I had told him that I did not want to see him again.
Now for the long-term relationships. Two were completely normal in the bedroom. My first husband was young and enthusiastic to the point of demanding but would have died at the thought of anything out of the ordinary. It was mutually satisfying and involved emotional connectedness, before, during and after. He was a normal, red-blooded male.
The other normal man was 12 years my senior, so whatever action he got from his hot, pretty, young (well, it WAS 14 years ago now!) partner was more than he had thought that he would ever have again….as per husband number one, mutually satisfying and emotionally connected. Never the hint of perversion of any type with either of them, yet they both had healthy appetites.
My second husband was quite possibly a sociopath and most decidedly a cruel and perverted man. The marriage was done and dusted within 6 months, after I discovered that he was lying to me (but only ALL of the time, EVERY day) and that he was having an affair with the friend who caught my bouquet at our wedding, as well as attending swingers’ parties and orgies of other types. There is some evidence to suggest that his elderly dog had not been safe from his wandering eye, either (I’m going to stop there, because I am feeling nauseous even thinking about this). On our honeymoon, he preferred to watch television than to do what most normal people do on their honeymoons. Once we got back home, I was shown no affection and was even asked on one occasion, when I had gone to bed before him and was waiting and nice and nude to surprise him, why I didn’t ever wear anything sexy to bed…. The only time he would show any interest at all, was when he would try to get me to do things that I considered to be perverted.
My latest ex-husband – the one who is a conman, thief, liar, fraudster, porn-addict, sleaze and undeniably a spath – started his con on me by pretending to acknowledge that some of the things he had confessed to having done in the past, were wrong and/or perverted, and saying that he didn’t ever want to live that way again. He was mostly normal in the bedroom, although he would insist on trying lots of different things that I had not had anyone else suggest to me before. He knew more about variations on themes, shall we say….only occasionally would he attempt to subvert my clearly-stated “mission statement” on sex, but I never allowed it and he was a good enough con-artist to know when to back off and just go elsewhere for his thrills (which, of course, I had no idea about until the very end of the 7 years we were together). He was not that into kissing (which I am) or affectionate displays (which I am) and he would do what so many others here have described – simply fall into a dead sleep as soon as it was over. Something else I had mentioned some weeks back on another thread – there was never any eye contact during “intimacy” – and at the critical moment, his eyes would literally roll back inside his head (which was pretty spooky, now that I think about it). He was just so totally self-absorbed in HIM.
So – the short answer to my long-winded analysis on whether perversion and porn-addiction run deep among spaths in general? I think so.
Lesson
You’re absolutely right with your impression of the two women fighting. Mine was in the divorce “process”. All a lie. They both were accomplices. They didn’t live toguether but they had not divorcing plans.
I left him when i compiled enough information and realized the danger i was getting into. They’re a disfunctional family, their older son is a psychopath too and the younger is completely mind fucked, a pseudo psychopath (misoginistic, violent, narcissist, etc) because of the influence of the father.
As i told him “you’re not worth at all. Bye, bye. Die if you want; I don’t care. If you love yourself, i love myself too and i don’t allow you to use me anymore because i’m too much good for a shit like you”
My humble and really sincere advice to you is: do not waste your energy stupidly because these creatures are different dangerous species from whom you’ll get nothing possitive. As experience it could be interesting because they exist and we need to learn to recognize them in order to avoid them but as it’s not possible for healthy normal people with deep emotional conexions to be satisfied with one of these poisoning creatures it’s not intelligent to look for possibilities for a relationship with them. I think that abandon the play they put you into is the most intelligent thing one can do.
Eva, Lesson, Aussie – thanks for your posts. Whenever I rolled over and lay on him he would rub his eyes and push me off – not too gently might I add. It was like he wanted to be on top at all times (mind control? I don’t know)
He never stoked my legs, fussed my back, played with my hair and he certainly did not like me doing that to him.
Candy, not at all. I’ve recived from this blog more than i’ve given to it.
Mine was rather the “affectionate” type but the absolute lack of respect was there and i, even not conciously at the beginning, could feel it. So i little by little lost all admiration, respect, affection for him. And without those those things love is not possible. I think it is useless to compare who got more from the relationship with the psychopath: we all lost in the important basic areas of a relationship between man and woman.
lesson, eva, candy and aussie,
They like it when 2 women are fighting over them, but it isn’t so much because they feel special. They just like the idea that the 2 women hate each other. My exP managed to send a trojan horse to marry my little spath sister, just to make her hate me. Then he pitted my spath neighbors against me.
It’s all about getting people to hate each other and therefore do their evil deeds for them. That’s what Lucifer does. He doesn’t have to do evil himself, he lures us into doing it.
Eva, thank you.
I’m not in the relationship anymore. Just a lot of stuff coming up for which there is pain. This pain is different than the pain involved in being in the relationship. It’s a profound sadness and a stinging like no other. It’s the kind of pain that understands who he is, what he has done and why. It’s the pain of my participation and wishing I’d not stayed so long.
there is no way, no matter if I wanted too, to deny what and whom he is. There is that little tiny Lucifer in there, as has always been, as was the major mindfuck he did to me…”He’ll be better with her….someone else is getting what you wanted…and will never have from him, because you werne’t good enough”…
It’s going to be awhile before that voice is silenced.
Eva – there are 5 stages of ‘grief’ which I will summarise. And the good news is that you are nearly there. So hang on.
However these stages do not necessarily happen in the following order:
Denial ie spath’s not soooooooooo bad. I know he did that to other women but he wouldn’t do that to me (wrong)
Anger ie how could he_______?(fill in the blank)
Bargaining ie maybe if I….? or if he……..?
Depression – feeling the loss, shame, embarrassment and so forth
Acceptance – ok, this is how it’s going to be …..xyz
I understand you perfectly, Lesson. I have had to stop that process because of the attack of the other one. What i feel now is a terrible fear.
Skylar, you can not imagine the fear that your post has produced me because i know you’re wrong not a little bit.
This teacher started the smear campaing some months ago (that’s why i noticed strange ways of looking at my by other teachers), he has threaten me to bring me to court just because i wrote him he attacked me psychologically because if he had done it psysically he would have been caught. He’s terrorizing me psychologically to the extreme and i don’t know what’s his purpose except destroying me and to prevent me to finnish this degree. So i find the other psychopath almost angelical compared to this one.
Eva,
I understand your fear.
But you know that he feeds on fear so you must not show it. Show NO emotion.
Of the 48 laws to power, there is one I use all the time.
Law 17: Cultivate an air of unpredictability
He is expecting fear, so smile. When he expects a smile, just blink. flash him a look as though you find him attractive and then make the look disappear, so he’ll think he imagined it.
In prison, a new inmate who has reason to fear that he will be attacked, will sometimes act like a lunatic. No one wants to mess with a lunatic because you can’t predict what he’ll do.
Just don’t act like a lunatic around anyone else at school. Make HIM look like the crazy one.
I’m mortally scared. And i’m not exagerating. The fear is very real because the danger he is preparing for me is very real too. And i don’t see what have i done to deserve this punishment.
Thank you for the advice, Skylar. I’ll follow it because it seems the only thing i can do: to caress his ego, to make him believe i find him cool despite the psychological terrorism.
I’m not joking i find the other one almost angelical compared to this one. With the other i was there but this one has attacked without purpose, just for sport. And this is horribly scaring. The post traumatic depression i didn’t lived completely after the other one i’m living it now because of a sadistic i always ignored and to whom i never did anything till he provoked me.