The two most recent Letters to Lovefraud both had the same theme: Sociopathic men who relentlessly pursued women, proclaiming their love, making glowing promises of a committed relationship. The men pushed for sex, and although the women resisted, eventually, believing they were involved in real romances, the women succumbed to the men’s physical desires. With that, both women were dumped.
Read the letters here:
I met him on Facebook, was used for sex and dumped the next day
I felt bonded, even though this made me nauseated
Both women were astounded at how they were unceremoniously booted. They had a hard time coming to grips with the idea that they’d been used and abused. How could a man say all those wonderful things and not mean them? How could a man who talked so eloquently about love be lying? How could a man paint such a beautiful picture of the future and then discard me? Was there something wrong with me? Wasn’t I sexy enough? Smart enough? Pretty enough?
Both women tried to get answers from the men. The men, however, never admitted the true reason that they did what they did:
They wanted to.
Core of a sociopath
Sometimes it’s hard for us to get our minds around how truly different sociopathic individuals are from the rest of us. This is understandable. After all, 96% to 99% of people are like us—capable of love and consideration.
But that 1% to 4% who are sociopaths—well, they might as well be aliens. These people:
- Feel no empathy at all towards other human beings
- Have no conscience
- Are interested only power, control and sex
This is the core of a sociopath—no empathy, no conscience and desiring only power, control and sex.
Implications
So what does this mean? It means sociopaths feel entitled to take what they want, regardless of how their actions may damage others. It means they get no satisfaction from connectedness with others, they only get satisfaction from winning. It means sociopaths view the world as predators and prey—they are the predators and everyone else is prey.
This is shocking. Mind-blowing. Impossible to understand.
So we cannot try to understand. We can only accept. This is how they are.
They do not want us as lovers, partners, friends or family members. They want power, control and sex.
I know the story. Been there twice, and I’m not really a gullible person. The thing is, what a truly nice guy will say and what a psychopath will say sound like the same things.
And aren’t we told as women to judge a man’s admiration by how fervently he pursues us? My first P was a total goofball who worked at the grocery store. He waved at me over the cheese counter, pursued me in front of my mother, and checked me out in front the reflection in the frozen food case. How charming! How could I say no? The dumping took far less time, I assure you.
My second P was the religious guy who said all the right things and made all the right moves. Only later it came out that a few men from this particular church had a reputation around town for doing that, then dragging their poor little desperate-to-have-kids single career women into the Preparing for Marriage class, where they were indoctrinated into the “be a Christian like us or stay forever single” propaganda.
So P’s can not only pick up the right things to say and act them out perfectly, they can also be taught by certain institutions in society to do that. There must be classes or something.
But is it wrong to take notice of someone with all the right moves or speech? Am I now to look for someone with none of the right moves? Awkward pickup lines and poor presentation?
This is the danger.
Me too. I am going to do some more research on it. Thinking about going back for a MA in criminology. Funny, but the x has a degree in that! Unreal….
for the people comlpaining about the SP wanting too much sex.. well imagine the SP never wanting sex….ever….i met an SP who used me only for mind control and not much else…he claimed he was in a ‘relationship’ with me.. but made me do crazy things just to be in his presence, for a few hours then get kicked out….he treated me lower than anything….he refused sex with me—ever….literally “i dont want to FUCK YOU’…why would anyone wanna fuck THAT??? im a stunningly beautiful woman, and he is an older male….i have nightmares everytime i see people having sex….im a virgin who’s never had sex..and this monster deprived me of sex…..period….i was jealous of raped people…still am….this SP is heinous and horrific…but worse he used anyone else as a sexual object…an object he wanted to get sex from except me, he used as an object he just wanted to mentally screw with and nothing else…not even be around…his was severe and horrific degradation on another level……degradation im still shivering cowering over…he still has me in a mental trap..begging to see him…wnating to see him….suffering daily…but he will ‘refuse’ to see or be in my presence….and sometimes even charge me money to see him make me dress like a prostitute, be on time, do this do that.. pay him money.. only to be at his place…2-3 hours then get kicked out cruelly…he’s made his place this haven i need to go to….but wont let me go….and then screws with my head so extremely….thinking i’ll just ‘show up’ but i dont b/c he lives out of town and im terrified of him and showing up uninvited….it is a cruel situation and nightmare to be part of as he created this game so that everything is revolved around ‘wanting to see or be with him’ so he can keep refusing to see me, rejecting me, rejecting me….leaving me in horror nightmares as to ‘how can a male not want to be around a very attractive female and just mind screw her’…..how can a male not want to touch or have sex with such a pretty female and only screw with her head in this sick sadistic way? and he goes to ‘EXTREMES” not seeing me for four weeks..while im suffernig daily…..needing to see him out of somethign that is worse than codependency….extreme brutal brainwash mind shock conditioning extreme trauma….so he can continue to torture me in this way…..claiming im his ‘sub’ and a sub and need to learn that…and his ‘whore’ but not even a sub he’ll be around….one who he only mind fucks with on a phone….and makes me give him ‘phonesex’ when im asking for the real thing…affection….anything….but he wont be in my presence, but will call me while he’s with others…refusing to see me torturing me….even in the past when he said i was his GF and he refused to see me…..just getting the supply from the messages…i leave him, attention…calling, writing…he still won’t budge…he’ll say..Well…i was gonna let u come over BUT, u wrote this so I dont think so! and im getting a restraining order against you…and while hes doing this he has somenoe over….and has been tormenting u for weeks…and weeks…..and then will ‘finally’ see you on a whim…one day….at 4 pm will say “be here by 7 and leave at 9″….so u have to drop everything…shower, get your clothes…drive an hour….to go see him get degraded….and get kicked out at 9 pm….treated lower than anything possibel…then never be allowed to see him again unless u show up….on your own which you’re terrified of because he will abuse you if you do….but that’s what he wants….this is a sick game…ie one im trapped in with a very extreme sociopath….and i can’t get out of it…for a lot of reasons….i envy the people who say…..the SP wants tons of sex…as ive been dealign with oen who made me sexless….and the mental and sexual trauma it’s done to me is raelly bad
Dear Melisa,
The book “The Betrayal Bond” I think is something that you consider reading and it may answer some of your questions, it is available here at LF store or on Amazon or any of the others that sell used copies if you can’t afford a new one. Learning about what is going on inside your mind on this will definitely help you break free! ((((hugs)))) and God bless.
Dear Ms. Jewel and Chilimac,
Welcome to you both here at LF! Glad that you are here, there is so much knowledge and support here for you both! Recovering from the “beatings” we took at the hands of the psychopaths (physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, financially etc) takes understanding and knowledge and we get both of those here at LF! Again, welcome and thanks for posting! God Bless.
Melissa…
COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS! He sounds like a “sick” man and probably has some serious diseases. I wouldn’t trust him and DEFINITELY NOT have sex with him!
You must have guardian angels protecting you!
Melissa,
My spath played with my head all along too. Yes, he did want sex, but he deprived me of it to hurt me, too. He LOVED seeing how dependent upon him I had become (fool that I was, I had no idea how addictions develop, he did, and he made sure one developed in me!). I literally hid myself away in a closet, in the darkness, whenever he deprived me of his wonderful presence. I just couldn’t face the light of day without him, sick as I was at the time. He liked to see me that weak. He loved it.
So next time this guy has you begging, remember that what he likes is to see you beg. THAT is how he gets his pleasure, to treat you like dirt and have you come begging for more. That makes him feel like the great man he wishes he were. Do you want to give him that satisfaction?
A woman made lots of trouble between me and my ex, and I hated her at the time, for driving a wedge between us. But you know what, I thank God that that woman came on the scene, because she opened my eyes to what he was, and this made me stop the affair – that is, the she was great, in hindsight, because i was so pissed at him for giving her attention that the whole thing kept the affair from going on any longer than it might have otherwise. You’ll be VERY glad, one day, that you never slept with him.
Psyche
psyche, tobehappy and others.. you are so right….I mean I’m sure what you say is true….even though at this time it is really hard and the metnal trauma is very hard…..but you keep thinknig…yes somewhere deep down…maybe there is a positive or a blessing somewhere….though it doesn’t feel like right now….and I totally know waht you mean psyche.. I can’t breathe without him….can’t live….it’s the horrible dependency, but worse….he is never there, to really help with the suffering…so the dependency lingers in loneliness….and the suffering just gets worse….adn i dont have any friends or can turn to others….so im just alone trapped wanting to see him…..begging….it is a bad nightmare…worse because he never sees me….once every 2-3 weeks for a couple of hours or less….before he would ease the suffering adn the addiction created by this monster….people dont get its an addiction because they deprive you of something normal…and torture u with it—not that people are ‘addicted’…the sp never saw me….would deprive me of ‘himself’ make me want him insanely….then torture me with the deprivation so extremely…then with the torture, came more and more torture…and more deprivation…each instance of deprivation became more torture….then he would see me for a few hours sometimes only one hour then kick me out while i so desperately wanted to be with him…then make me suffer/wait again for weeks…to see him only–1-3 hours….then kick me out…so that’s the awful addiction created….so then if the sp really awnts to torture you it’s….never giving u the drug, or themself…or whatever they created….seeing you 1.5 hours in four weeks…after extreme mental abuse….everyday u are abused mentally and go through nightmares…and in this case…never being with the sp…or being in his presence….so it is extreme and just terrible…this sp also decided to give the victim no elements of a relationship….no sex…refused sex with me ever…wouldnt sleep in a bed with me…would not let me stay at his place…longer than 24 hours…most fo the time ti was just a few hours…but in case he ‘allowed’ me to stay there were rules– if i wanted to leave to get something.. i couldn’t come back or got locked out…so i had to fight/negotiate leaving…if i stayed the night…i couldn’t leave, sleep in bed with him…if he ‘allowed’ me to sleep in bed with him i had to wear high heels in bed.. also when iw ent to visit him i had to wear high heels in his place and dress like a hooker and had to wear heels the whole tiem and never take them off and if i took them off i got absued or threatened to get kicked out thats after havnig to get tortured just to get there and spend a few hours there.. and he was mostly physically abusive and sexually sadistic such as biting, or anything painful…no sex ever….or intercourse…he rejected me sexually…in 3 years we never slept in a bed together two nights in a row …there was no relationship just small elements or bits/pieces of what a relationship is which is what he had me begging suffering fighting to get…just some ‘cuddling/hugging’…togetherness intimacy..he had me jumping through hoops, just to be in his presence….saying things, doing things…there was extreme brainwash, mental abuse, deprivation…and he even had me degrading myself daily on a phone…called awful names and made me call myself those names…i think they were a projection of himeslf…he was also a severe N and projected 24/7…so he was cosntantly saying sick sexual thigns about me or other things which were terrible revelations of his disturbing self….and worse there was not even being in his presence…and making me so dependennt on him but never seeing or being with me….and as he said i was his ‘puppet’ who he controlled and used….and not even sexually as he had me begging him for sex…or for anything and wouldn’t give it to me…every element was based on time/calculations/hours…as most sp’s hate to give of themselves so they can only calculate the # of hours they give a person or in this case a victim…and for that amt of time he gave of himself, he had in turn tenfold to suck dry drain and take 1000 times more out of me then manipulate brainwash me into thinking that i was giving him nothing and he did everything for me…and i was an ungrateful spoiled etc…who just ‘wanted what i wanted’ and projections and classic sociopathic statements…..very sadistic controlling and horrid…so every element of absue and deprivation is now a mental horror that you have to live with just tryign to figure out what kind fo person would do that to someone…and deprive someone of anything normal….and abuse them so extremely….I used to also dislike people who tried to break us apart or cause problems, only because at the time things were going ‘ok’…i mostly complied with him out of fear of more suffering….esp the kind im going through right now….but it doesn’t matter as no matter what i did now it’s happening and i can’t bear it– it feels as if he’s trying to increase that dependency tenfold or destroy me altogether…. it’s just scary overall….as I can’t deal with it…and can barely function…..im sure he does have diseases and he is a very sick person and can only imagnie what he is into as the story of him is worse and there are so many awful details involved……but scarier that he has this terrible hold on me….and even more so more involved aside from just being mentally controlling such as the metaphysical which he is involved in…..during these periods of extreme suffering it is just really hard to deal with….as you feel like death is upon you…..but what bothers me about this SP is the making me dseire need him to such extremes…that i can barely function to not meting the desires or suffering, which he at least did in the past…his abuse has become more sadistic and the torture worse…to where it feels as if he’s just trying to kill me or i dont know what he is trying to do….nor do i care…i just want the suffering gone….I know what he is….he is lower than a monster ….i know what he’s doing….but i can’t get out of it….and have to remain in this mode of suffering…until ‘he’ changes it …and yes it’s gracing you with their ‘presence’ whcih tehy so deprive you of….but in this case it is total deprivation…..and just so scary…..yes they like the begging for sure…to make u weak dependent…..but this one has claimed for years– im his sub…..even the begging doesn’t do anything….sometimes you will even sink to their wishes and say…what do u want…u dont have that choice because you have to end the pain or suffering….btu with the sp im dealing with– even tha doesn’t work….for he’s just insane and there is nothing that works…..yeah to them theya re your ‘god’ or they think they are or make it that way…..what he thinks feels doesn’t matter…though….the satisfaction he gains….the only reason its upsetting is how there is no ease of the suffering of the victim despite the torturer gaining whatever he is getting…..its a nasty situation…..but the worst part is realizing that they do have this over you…not this power but whatever it is….its the worst realization…..especially if u can’t get out…can’t end it…can’t negotiate or get a release of the hell the are putting u through…and u cant negotiate with a sadist….there is nothing.. in the past it was using ‘specific words’ to mete their punishment…it was tryign to use/say different things….now its just chaos—ie in my situation where there is nothing u can say or do…..asking them to stop won’t do anything…threatening, nothing….begging won’t make them stop….and in the worst case scnarios…they want you to ‘submit’ and im not even sure how….as they’ve drained sucked u dry–over n over again…put u thru horrors….that isnt enough….they still do more and more….and even if u ‘submit’ they still won’t stop…..its scary….i wish i knew how to stop them….ie they are ruthless insane irrational…im sure there aer many ways to get out of the trap/mental trap all the bonds that have been created…..but for those who dont know how….its hard as all the trauma theyve done to a person just creates more bonds and seals it all in…. it is a horror story and bad for anyone who has ever met or dealt with a sociopath… I dont see the means or reasoning behind the actions of this SP…he seems to jsut want a ‘puppet’ as he says..begging to see him be with him, give him non-stop attention…so that he can feel important…and not much else….refusing to ever see or be with the ‘puppet’ that he claims is a puppet…and constnatly gettign that non-stop NS…which is just so scary…..i regret everyday of my life ever meeting this person……or ever knowing such evil exists
also…for the person who wrote this article…or in reference to the article…..these people are everywhere—the kind who try to get sex and bail—epsecially on the internet…it is awful and terrible….how many sick people are out there just to use others for sex….and in an extremely bad way….I meet people on the internet all the time….they are not full fledged sociopaths or maybe they are, but they all display these characteristics….they want to try to get sex off ‘any’ girl…use her and then just leave..they will do/say anything to get what they want and literally the key is just using that person and making them feel like trash….it is so common these days you just have to beware….most guys or those types of guys are out…looking to get laid, giving nothin in return..in fact they try to see if they can get laid…and give the girl nothing…no desire to spend money on someone….go out on a date….take a person somewhere….theyre thinking “i want ot get something for nothing”….and this is how they function….. and if they can’t get ‘what they want’ then they run off to the next person…they will also put a person down and call them names, or weird…or try to make them feel bad if they aren’t getting what they want…attempt to manipulate, abuse or insult a person….it is so terrible…and so common….i cant explain how many people ive met like this–100’s I would say….im usually just surprised thinking…what kind of terrible people are tehse that they expect ‘sex’ from a first date or anything from someone and if they can’t get it– they don’t call the person back or care….or are even bitter…a large majority of the males in society today or many u find online display the classic character traits of sociopathy/narcissism and it is terrible….
We try to make sense of the nonsense.
It drives us crazy for years.