The two most recent Letters to Lovefraud both had the same theme: Sociopathic men who relentlessly pursued women, proclaiming their love, making glowing promises of a committed relationship. The men pushed for sex, and although the women resisted, eventually, believing they were involved in real romances, the women succumbed to the men’s physical desires. With that, both women were dumped.
Read the letters here:
I met him on Facebook, was used for sex and dumped the next day
I felt bonded, even though this made me nauseated
Both women were astounded at how they were unceremoniously booted. They had a hard time coming to grips with the idea that they’d been used and abused. How could a man say all those wonderful things and not mean them? How could a man who talked so eloquently about love be lying? How could a man paint such a beautiful picture of the future and then discard me? Was there something wrong with me? Wasn’t I sexy enough? Smart enough? Pretty enough?
Both women tried to get answers from the men. The men, however, never admitted the true reason that they did what they did:
They wanted to.
Core of a sociopath
Sometimes it’s hard for us to get our minds around how truly different sociopathic individuals are from the rest of us. This is understandable. After all, 96% to 99% of people are like us—capable of love and consideration.
But that 1% to 4% who are sociopaths—well, they might as well be aliens. These people:
- Feel no empathy at all towards other human beings
- Have no conscience
- Are interested only power, control and sex
This is the core of a sociopath—no empathy, no conscience and desiring only power, control and sex.
Implications
So what does this mean? It means sociopaths feel entitled to take what they want, regardless of how their actions may damage others. It means they get no satisfaction from connectedness with others, they only get satisfaction from winning. It means sociopaths view the world as predators and prey—they are the predators and everyone else is prey.
This is shocking. Mind-blowing. Impossible to understand.
So we cannot try to understand. We can only accept. This is how they are.
They do not want us as lovers, partners, friends or family members. They want power, control and sex.
It drives us crazy for years.
Only during it occuring. Not after. We hurt after (ptsd), but it’s over when we’re no longer living with it blindly. After the ‘aha!’ moment, much perspective is placed in our lives. After my gym class doing crazylike cardio behaviour, the instructor says the next few days will be painful for the beginners, but the pain lessons as each week passes. He’s right, it does lessen.
Re: genetic debate. I’m a family of 8. I can only identify one sociopath among the 6 kids. My father’s a full blown Narcissist (I can control that abuse NOW I know what it is). But 5 remaining siblings (inc me!) don’t exhibit the disorder. The one that does showed signs in infancy. Someone said she idenitifed her daughter’s energy at 2; I know what she means.
Btw, it’s so good to see new people on here. This site is doing a great job on the net.
My spath is a doctor in a small community. Even though his numerous affairs and inappropriate conduct is public knowledge, he walks around town like he is the mayor. His outward appearance doesn’t fit who he really is. It is amazing how many people you can take advantage of when you have a Dr. in front of your name. I am a successful professional and a dedicated mother of one. I have put my pride aside and realized that the only way to survive (post divorce) is to limit my contact with the spath. Up to this point every confrontation has ended with yet another blow to my self esteem so for the benefit of my mental health I just don’t put myself in a position of having to talk to him. Email and text messaging are best because then there is written evidence of the interactions in case issue arise. The bottom line is that you can’t make sense or the nonsence. The spath will always try to manipulate.
Dear Melissa,
I read your post. I feel for you!
Your guy sounds like two different guys I have been with over the years.
The first guy wanted me to engage in his sex fantasies. Then he said I was faking it and he wouldn’t have sex with me again. I wasn’t faking it, but he didn’t believe me, so I told him a fantasy is fake. His whacked out mind wanted a fantasy where people don’t fake it. And, he is the judge of whether you are faking it. I was dealing with an insane person and wondering why they don’t act sane.
The other guy wanted me to strip. I refused. We had no relationship or trust established. I was afraid to leave because he used his temper to keep me frozen on the spot. So instead I tearfully refused. He worked on me to talk me into it. I continued to refuse.
His dog felt my emotion and the dog whimpered louder and louder as I became more tearful, to the point where the dog was bellowing. The dog even felt my pain! Yet, he didn’t.
Jeannie
“…….large majority of the males in society today or many u find online display the classic character traits of sociopathy/narcissism and it is terrible”.” quote Melissa99
I would have to agree with this statement! It’s why I have not tried to find another relationship. [I also watched my PX sink lower and lower, in the last few years of the marriage, into total self focus, to the point, he could no longer see anyone else at all]. My older daughter has not found anyone and she has looked in person and online. *She is becoming very different now, then she was. She has changed greatly in the last few months and is viewing life very differently. I am so pleased to see this taking place. She has more respect for me now, and expresses love, care and reaches out more. I hope it lasts! She has had a major life changing occurrence in her life and it seems to have made an impact on her for the better.
I do think the readily available porn and the openness of strip clubs and the sex industry has really corrupted the male psyche[and many females]. What happened to love, family, and the home? Seems to be gone……or rare. Seems like anything goes as long as there is financial gain involved.
Something I have never really understood about my ex-S. He pursued me, told me he was in love with me 3 weeks after we met and told everyone he was going to marry me within 3 months. He cooked for me, actually managed to shed a few tears when we had to be apart, bought me expensive gifts, always opened the door for me… you name it! YET he could have been the poster child for ED. When he COULD have sex it really wasn’t anything to brag about and he all but stopped within a month after we were married. I was lucky if he in the mood twice a month.
Initially, I thought everything was nice when it was just the two of us on a date but when we were around other couples or at parties, I would notice that he would do and say inappropriate things. He would photograph other women and once commented to a man “you bet your sweet fannie”. He would flirt with both women and men and even clerks behind he counter when we would go into a store.
Red flags all over the place and I married him anyway! He even called his ex-girlfriend from our honeymoon. And YES he dumped me in the end and married his next victim before the ink was dry on our divorce papers.
I only learned the terminology of a sociopath after the divorce. I just don’t understand how someone like that can have so much confidence and pursue women when they they clearly have problems with ED.
Used: Who knows? They are legends in their own minds anyway. 😛
New life: my x is also an md and yes it gives instant worship status. Although he is being laughed at behind his back by most of our small community, he still goes around puffed up due to the Dr. title.
You must go no contact. It is the only way to document the twisting and turning, manipulating path they create. Otherwise, you will be driven mad.
He will never think he is less than a local celebrity, shaking hands and working the crowd. Our poor children know he is a joke and are embarrassed.
I am waiting for the day that he meets his match…or slips up medically. Clinicially, he has made quite a few errors, some very big– but he charms his patients who totally fall for his con. Those who dont like the charm, see through the fake and quit him after the first visit.
my ex spath boyfriend was an MD too-a trauma surgeon, so he really thinks his shit don’t stink. He is so inflated. Everytime I think of him, I want to sing the song Mr. Big Stuff by the the great late Marva Wright(god bless her). Mr Big stuff,who do you think you are-Mr. Big stuff, you’re never gonna get my love! They charm the pants off everyone around them. I was warned him before I got involved and I didn’t listen. Now, he discarded me, turned into Mr. Hyde himself and tried to ruin my rep. The same people who tried to warn me about him now side with him over me! Whatever!!!!
yeah that is true– they do drive people crazy….before and after…I’m not sure if that’s their goal but it seems to be….it is so true it’s hard to meet people these days because of the sheer # of sp’s there are out there….I can’t date anymore either– they’re mostly this way…narcissistic, egotistical extreme, crazy…sick people and mostly just out looking for sex….you can spot an N/Sp pretty fast…but the degree/level of their psychopathy is hard to know until a little down the road—then they reveal more and more of their dark or sick sides….most with the temper tantrums, control issues…all sorts of strange issues…..the extreme Sp ive dealt with was probably into a lot of sick things I will never know about and never had a chance to know due to the fact of never being allowed to be around him…..it is also true that porn and all those things have corrupted the psyche of the average male…they think that’s how life is and how sex is—and some are into the deeply disturbing dominatrix or even sadistic type fantasies…. it’s scary how people think…they also feel that women are tehre to cater to them or service them…or their needs…anything else is just unheard of and this is how many males think….the other ones are almost very submissive and will act like “well its up to the girl”…so you haev these two odd extremes going on within males today….which makes it hard to find people who are normal, balanced…just normal….they are extreme and on various ends of the spectrum of just ridiculous concepts and ways of thinking and living…..society today is also full of sp’s/n’s/p’s….male or female….the average person seems to have turned into this almost…so its hard to find peopel who aren’t narcissistic or self centered arrogant to an extreme…..but then there are the full blown ones out there and when you deal with them….then you definitely know there is going to be a huge problem…..good for the people who got away and detoxed from the trauma…..it is really difficult to do sometimes…