The two most recent Letters to Lovefraud both had the same theme: Sociopathic men who relentlessly pursued women, proclaiming their love, making glowing promises of a committed relationship. The men pushed for sex, and although the women resisted, eventually, believing they were involved in real romances, the women succumbed to the men’s physical desires. With that, both women were dumped.
Read the letters here:
I met him on Facebook, was used for sex and dumped the next day
I felt bonded, even though this made me nauseated
Both women were astounded at how they were unceremoniously booted. They had a hard time coming to grips with the idea that they’d been used and abused. How could a man say all those wonderful things and not mean them? How could a man who talked so eloquently about love be lying? How could a man paint such a beautiful picture of the future and then discard me? Was there something wrong with me? Wasn’t I sexy enough? Smart enough? Pretty enough?
Both women tried to get answers from the men. The men, however, never admitted the true reason that they did what they did:
They wanted to.
Core of a sociopath
Sometimes it’s hard for us to get our minds around how truly different sociopathic individuals are from the rest of us. This is understandable. After all, 96% to 99% of people are like us—capable of love and consideration.
But that 1% to 4% who are sociopaths—well, they might as well be aliens. These people:
- Feel no empathy at all towards other human beings
- Have no conscience
- Are interested only power, control and sex
This is the core of a sociopath—no empathy, no conscience and desiring only power, control and sex.
Implications
So what does this mean? It means sociopaths feel entitled to take what they want, regardless of how their actions may damage others. It means they get no satisfaction from connectedness with others, they only get satisfaction from winning. It means sociopaths view the world as predators and prey—they are the predators and everyone else is prey.
This is shocking. Mind-blowing. Impossible to understand.
So we cannot try to understand. We can only accept. This is how they are.
They do not want us as lovers, partners, friends or family members. They want power, control and sex.
I think people often find themselves engulfed in situations with N’s/Sp’s despite the so obvious red flags..mostly because…you’re so swept away by everything else…you don’t realize….the potential of harm or danger a sociopath can do to a person….you’re fooled…and people generally ignore the warning signs….until it’s too late….the little and big things.. the little things are sort of like irrelevant and they’re shrugged off…the scariest thing you learn about a lot of sp’s or p’s are that those little things…can mean something that is far major than you think it can….also minor red flags are ignored but then they turn into big situations….because the optimistic hopeful normal person doesn’t or can’t get what is to come….they don’t see the SP until it is too late and they’ve already revealed their really nasty sides…and most of the time when a person does see that it’s too late…or some serious damage has already been done….sometimes people aer trapped, or the SP is already in a phase of wanting to discard them…..its hard to know but once you’ve been through it important to read into the minor warning signs….and do whatever you can to make sure that they don’t turn into major ones– that you leave the SP…or do something to protect yourself….from the brutal blows of the narcissist or the abuse that is to come…..its also just so hard because sometimes you just can’t know what is to come….and how serious it can be…
Question about the sociopath. Do spaths show affection? Not including sex, but do they want hugs, etc.? Mine is always coming up behind me to hug me or put his arms around me. Can he still be a spath and need affection?
Dear Hopeforjoy,
It isn’t “affection” really it is simply their way of faking emotion and getting control of you….like saying “Oh, I looooove you” but they have no idea of what the feeling is. It is all about fooling you, so I think it is a matter of looking at the entire package.
1. Are they HONEST? in other words, do they lie (to ANYONE?) cheat or steal, break the law?
2. Are they RESPONSIBLE? Do they hold a job, do they spend their money reasonably and pay their bills or are they always broke, but have some excuse for why they need ‘help”? Do they expect others to provide for their financial needs for housing, transportation or other normal expenses?
3. Are they KIND/CONSIDERATE? Are they rude to others? Do they throw tantrums? Act hateful to others? Threaten others? Have “anger issues?”
To me if someone violates ANY of those things; honesty, responsibility, or consideration—then I don’t need them in my life!!!! Period! EVER!!!!
No matter how “sweetisie” or “huggy” someone is, if they lie to me EVEN ONE TIME it is out the door. If someone does not hold a job and provide for themselves, out the door. I know that anyone can have a problem with finances due to the place the work closing etc. but if someone is habitually late with their payments, can’t hold a job long and makes a patternn of SPONGING off others, then I don’t need them.
No one should have a hateful disposition or have issues with temper tantrums EVER! All of us can be less than nice sometimes, but carrying it to name calling, or a physical confrontation with those we “love” is over the limit.
I thinkk you get the idea of where I am going with this. Look at the total picture of how a person treats you!
melissa99: both of your last two posts are EXCELLENT! Very to the point and frank.
RE: kinky sex for the modern male. Yep, watched my x sink into this heavily in the last two years of our marriage. Group sex, beastiality [viewing and probably wanted to participate] young teens[both male and female] S&M and worse, I fear, children. I don’t really know, this is what I could gather by reading between the lines and my ability to sense [which becomes very keen living with these people]. He never brought any into our home, that I knew of, so thankfully, I was never subjected to any of it. Viewed and participated with his brother in his house. He started to lose his mind and sense of discretion resulting in his blurting out totally inappropriate language at the oddest times. I didn’t even know this person any longer. After I dumped him, I heard he really went insane and was into all types of degradation and even so far as weird sexual devices etc. Now, in the pictures I see of him [thru our daughter] and from what I hear, he’s basically become the village idiot. Which, is sad in one way, but very fitting in another, since we do become what we think/act. There are lines in life, I believe if we cross, we may not get back over…..
Porn has twisted sex into just a weird, no love/no emotions, empty, animalistic, purely physical act available on ready demand, at the click of a mouse. Most of these males into this are finding themselves unable to sustain a normal relationship. As one article that I read [when I was doing some research on this subject to write a brief] stated:” porn is reducing males to a lone subject, sitting for hours in front of his computer, and that is the extent of his intimate relationship.”
RE: getting too far into the relationship before we really see the mask slip. Oh yeah, that’s all part of the con; getting us heavily invested quickly. Those little warning signs are there, but since we tend to be tolerant people, we ignore what we consider to be small flaws, not knowing or understanding these will soon reveal MAJOR flaws. I will say after we get out of these toxic relationships, we have a honed sense of understanding and ability to sense/see these flags in full color. We do come out with wisdom and understanding, the average person not subjected to this, does not have. That’s why I try to make it my goal to promote this awareness to everyone I can, in whatever medium I can.
I am having a deeper realization that my father fits all this.. I knew it.. but being seening that it’s my father..and he shows me love and kindness and generosity at times.. I would forget.. it’s the same cycle as with men in my life..with my Dad.. everything that he does is about control, sex and power.. with his children it is about control and power over.. and he has little regard for women.. my mother died 10 years ago and ever since then there has been this disgusting parade of women in his life the age of his daughters.. gold digger types.. they use him.. he uses them then they are gone.. and he is at times, generous and kind to his daughters but if anyone crosses him or he ‘thinks’ that they cross him .. he annihlates them in his actions and words.. so I have never felt just loved.. but always that it could be yanked away from me.. he is a functioning alcoholic and sucessful and a complete narcissitic. His behavior at times is ‘king’ like.. in others words.. off with their heads.. then when down or lonely.. he is becomes needy and demanding.. and the older that he gets the weirder.. it is getting.. I have always stood up to him.. when he gets cruel then he ignores me at length and threatens me..
No wonder.. I draw men to me with the same characteristics..
I am having a bout with my father now.. I asked him to do something for me that is no big deal and he is reacting like I murdered someone.. and is being hateful and threatening to me for no reason other I guess, that he can and he enjoys the control over me.. which is really just the control of me feeling hurt by his words.. I am just having a deeper realization of all this and the imprint on me.. Because my father’s treatment of me makes me feel less than.. like I am nothing .. that if my father can dismiss me and negate me and talk to me so terribly that I must not be worth much..
Get it..
Whoa!..
And I am a really great person on most levels… I want to not let his nasty remarks inflitrate me and take me down to such a low place in myself where I begin tearing my self down thinking I am not worth anything, am a failure, have accomplished nothing… instead of being confident and proud just for being me.
style: Been there, lived that, only it was my much older brother, who assumed the father role to me heavily. Yeah, it does pave the way for us to become victims to these NP males. My mom asked me years ago..”Didn’t you see this in your X husband?” I said: “And just what was I supposed to use to base this?” Pretty much destroyed my self esteem/value as a female. My brother would even say the apostle Paul didn’t have a value for females. Making me feel even God was against me as a female. I know different now, thank God for showing me the truth! 🙂
Hugs to you, Style!! 🙂
Thanks Twice Betrayed..
It’s the betrayal of my father that has created this imprint on me.. and I have seen it off and on my whole life … and tried to be aware and get out of it.. BUT… even when I think that I have I haven’t…
He was engaged to this gold digger woman a few years back.. that had similar physical characteristics of mine.. She was using him big time..
My sisters teased me how similar we ‘looked’ like.. although otherwise, we had nothing in common…
He saw through her and dumped her.. but that freaked me out..
I have been told that am the only daughter that my Dad respects.. althought he would never tell me anything good about myself..
He treats me most times like I am dirt under his feet..
And that has created in me the need to be perfect.. therefore, doing for and trying to be so great for the men in my life! While they screw me over…
It makes me want to SCREAM! Sure, I have learned lots.. and protected myself and gotten out and away… but I wonder now, if Iam even able to love man….
I feel like I have been really messed over on several levels.. when inside I am loving and caring..
I don’t want to become hardened..
But this last little incident with my Dad just like slammed into me what kind of a jerk that he is..
Even those on some levels my self-esteem is healthy on others it is really messed up.. like if I am not the way that I want to look physically.. I was the ‘pretty’ one in the family.. so if I don’t feel up to that standard.. I feel terrible inside.. like I recall visiting my Dad and I had a pimple on my nose.. and the first thing that he said to me is that “You have a pimple on your nose.” and said it in a way that was like I am marred… when I have good skin.. so that pimple stood out at the time and he commented on it to make me feel bad.. Why even comment? We all have things that are flaws.. and that is what men do in my life.. I am so wonderful, so beautiful, fun and smart then they focus on a pimple….
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