A woman contacted Lovefraud seeking advice in dealing with an extremely disturbing situation. This woman, we’ll call her Rosalyn, suspects her sister-in-law of child abuse.
Rosalyn has been caring for the child regularly ever since she was small, and the girl is now starting school. The little girl if fine in Rosalyn’s care, but when it’s time for her go home, when Rosalyn says, “Mommy’s coming to get you,” the child starts crying and carrying on.
Several times Rosalyn has noticed that the child had bruises. “How did your hurt yourself?” she asked. The girl said she didn’t remember. Other incidents also have Rosalyn concerned about her young niece’s wellbeing.
Rosalyn sees behavior in her sister-in-law that makes her think the woman is a sociopath. It’s not a conclusion she came to lightly. “It took me about a year to figure it out,” Rosalyn said. “I’m pretty sure that’s what the problem is.”
The woman is still married to Rosalyn’s brother. But when Rosalyn tried to talk to her brother about her sister-in-law’s behavior, the result, she said, was “shoot the messenger.” Rosalyn’s brother did not want to discuss her concerns.
So, worried about her niece, Rosalyn called Lovefraud. What should she do?
Father in denial
Rosalyn told me more that makes me think that her concerns are legitimate—details that I am not including in this article. It also sounds like her brother is a caring man who is in denial or under his wife’s control.
Many of us have had to stand by helplessly as someone we cared about was being manipulated by a sociopath. And many of us were that person being manipulated, while our friends and families tried to talk sense into us. The hard reality is that, until someone involved with a sociopath is ready to see what is going on and take steps to leave, there is very little others can do. That appears to be the situation with Rosalyn’s brother.
Call the authorities?
Rosalyn asked if she should call the authorities. As heartbreaking as it is, the answer may be no.
Rosalyn is not operating a licensed daycare facility—if she was, she would be legally mandated to report any suspected child abuse. Rosalyn is simply babysitting her niece regularly.
Rosalyn does not have proof that her sister-in-law is harming the child. So if she called the authorities, it would probably backfire. First of all, the sister-in-law works in a profession that most people would find to be incongruous with child abuse. Secondly, her brother does not see, or at least admit to, a problem.
This is a married couple that is living together. If the child doesn’t “remember” how she got hurt, the mother denies any wrongdoing, and the father says there is no problem, it is unlikely that Rosalyn will be believed.
Resist the temptation to disparage
Rosalyn asked if she should “plant seeds” in her brother’s mind that there might be something wrong with his wife. Again, this is very risky. Here’s what Dr. Leedom wrote in a previous blog post, ASK DR. LEEDOM: How can I get my _____ away from the psychopathic con artist?
The sociopath will set up situations that narrow, yet intensify, the range of emotions your loved one feels. Be as much of a source of warmth and encouragement that you can. Try to resist any temptation to disparage the sociopath. The responsibility for recognizing the evil in the sociopath has to come from the person him or herself. If the person complains about his/her life, do not react emotionally, instead be a good listener and point out the feelings you see. If you become angry and say to the effect, “How dare he/she treat you this way!” You will see your loved one defend the sociopath, and make you shoulder the emotions he/she should be having about the situation. Instead, your loved one has to personally own all the negative feelings about the sociopath.
Rosalyn’s brother is still in the fog, that place of confusion created by the sociopath. Suppose Rosalyn had a “heart-to-heart” with her brother, accusing his wife of child abuse. Suppose the brother then confronted his wife. The woman would convincingly deny any wrongdoing, and then convincingly attack Rosalyn, forbidding the child to ever see Rosalyn again.
Maintain contact with the child
This would be the worst thing that could happen. At least, with Rosalyn, the little girl is safe and happy. She gets a respite from whatever may be going on at home. So the most important thing is for Rosalyn to maintain a connection with the child.
It may be best for Rosalyn to take no direct action to contact authorities, warn the brother or confront the sister-in-law. Instead, it may be best for Rosalyn to bite her tongue, keep her eyes open and make sure she can keep babysitting the little girl.
Rosalyn, should, however document everything that happens. She should keep careful records of any behavior the child exhibits that might point to a problem, photograph any unexplained injuries and videotape the child’s acting out.
By doing that, Rosalyn may accumulate evidence for when the child gets old enough to say what is happening to her, or the brother begins to come out of the fog, or the mother screws up—which she will. Then, her documentation may help free the child from an unhappy situation.
Rosa, thank you for your courage and commitment. I’m so glad you’re there for your niece and that she gets to spend time with you. I hope you see a day (soon) when that little girl is in a safer environment, and hopefully your brother too.
Kathy
Dear kathy,
No forgiveness needed for the soapboxing, it is a hot button with me too.
Dr. Anna Salter, PhD who is one of THE most respected experts on child abuse has the SAME frustrations as you and I do and as others here do too. Her book “Predators” is enough to curl your hair into a tight knot! I bought the book to use for quotes when I wrote the letter to the parole board about the Trojan Horse Psychopath who had 3 convictions for chldren agesx 9, 11 and 14.
She says in the book that the “average” molester has 300 episodes before they are caught, and that many men (especially men, but women can be abusers too) have as many as THOUSANDS overa life time. Charles Walls III (Jackie) who was convicted several years ago in Arkansas had spent a career in Boy Scouts and had 1500- that are KNOWN including his own nephew who killed himself, and one boy who when he had told his parents, jackie ordered him to kill them. He did and got caught, and led to jackie’s conviction.
I knew Jackie and didn’t like him, he is a psychopath of the FIRST order, but never in my wildest dreams did I realize he was a MONSTER. Jackie’s dad, a retired attorney and judge, is one of THE most honest and kindest men I have ever known. Jackie devestated his entire family, including his wife and children, all living in a town of 3500 in rural Arkansas were everyone knows everyone. You can google his name and see all the details of his crimes, it was on a one hour TV special and many articles.
Dr Salter says that many experienced molesters target YOUNGER kids because they are so easy to get around their testimony.
I am baby sitting a 9 year old girl now after school for her mother, and also helping tutor her because she is dyslexic, and my son D usually helps her with her reading in the afternoon. I make sure that she is NEVER ALONE WITH HIM, not because I suspect him or that he would molest her because I know he would not, but TO PROTECT HIM in case there is ever any question.
My son C’s ex-step daughter is a histrionic personality disorder and is totally inappropriate sexually with men, has been since I have known her. she is such that she is practically (please excuse the analogy) like a dog humping your leg if you are male, even in plain sight of groups of people. I literally had to ban her from my home because she would literally CRAWL ALL OVER my son D and could not be stopped. (she was 20 at the time) I had spoken to her mother about this, and her mother’s reply was “well, how is she going to know how to behave if no one teaches her?” My reply was, “you are her mother, that is YOUR job.” ROTFLMAO
I agree with Magneto, you can’t trust the “justice” system to protect kids (Dr. Salter agrees with this too!) so it is a crap shoot if you do or if you don’t. I think EACH situation needs to be examined.
A friend of mine who lives in California, has grandchildren who live in Texas with their P mother who neglects them. The mother is involved in a P-P relationship of great violence and domestic abuse calls. My friend’s son was never married to this woman and there is NO child custody agreement of any kind, but there IS his name on the birth certificates of both kids (the last one is not his DNA however) and my friend and her son are now contacting CPS in Texas because the mother was arrested in a felony break in, with her P BF, and TWO LOADED guns, AND she had the 2 year old with her at the time she and her BF were brandishing guns trying to break into this house when the cops were called. My friend and her son are going to do their best to get custody of these kids and take them to California. The mother is also a drug user. But even with the mother taking a child to a crime scene with loaded weapons, you neve rknow what the courts will do.
Pray for my friend and her grandkids.
Dear Rosa,
I have a P teacher where I go to paint. I need her marks to pass the course. She favours me in front of everyone because i boost her ego whenever she talks to me. I know that she will do a 360 degree turn against me in about three weeks. She has become jealous of my work and is beginning to devalue me to the other teachers. I have told everyone in the class to boost her ego and do whatever she says in their art and they will good a good mark, I had to do this because they all began to hate me because of her extreme favouritism towards me. Now the entire class sees through her. There is a psychopath “class mate”, who has been using me for a year.,..it was driving me insane as I couldn’t get rid of her in the class. She was trying to get the favouritism off the psycopath teacher through me. The week I came onto this site, I told her “please stop following me and sitting next to me, I am starting to use boundaries now”. Of course she freaked out and made up lies to everyone in the class about me. The reason I am telling this story is because the P teacher loathes her. I had never seen two P’s at each other’s throat and trying top destroy each other so obviously.
The P “classmate” has a new victim. I warned her, but she still hangs around her then complains to me.
The reason I know the teacher P will do a 360 in three weeks is because up until that time she can get narcissistic supply from my work. We have an exhibition where she can use me. But she is already insanely jealous and chomping at the bit to devalue me. I can feel it a million miles away. Also I have seven pieces of art. One is an installation. And guess what???
ALL my art is about the PSYCHOPATH!!!
So she is totally triggered and doesn’t know how to react. But don’t worry…the day after the exhibition I will take my work and she won’t see me for dust!! She is starting to know I am onto her from my work and I know that means a big drama and abuse if I stay a second longer.
My, this site is so important to me. Who else on God’s earth would understand thaty????
Tilly:
I totally relate to that.
It is like stroking a rattlesnake and hoping it doesn’t bite.
Rosa,
Yes thats it! I was so happy when the rest of the class (about ten of us) tried being a supply and it worked. In the old days i would have been totally victimised and humiliated by her and blamed myself.
The other p in the class has met her match and is thinking about changing courses! TOWANDA!
P.S. My art is helping heal me. Everything I do in my art explains the double sided knife edge of the psychopath. I have an exhibition in three weeks, so I am really excited to get the message out, to others. Anyone who has been through it will know instantly what I am saying. I also have an explanation on some pieces. Knowledge is power.
Hello Tilly:
I love what you’re doing and — be careful, and be ready to take yourself up even another level.
The games these people play — we can think we can anticipate, but they don’t follow “rules,” so they can always surprise us.
If your art is speaking in such a powerful way, then get prepared to take it to a different level. If you need the teacher’s support, while giving narcissistic supply, you certainly can consider that.
Just don’t get derailed when some P-driven criticism shows up.
Good for you.
Hello Rosa:
Stay strong and stay true. When you are committed, but not at the mercy of your emotions, you can be the powerful force that can make a difference.
I am so glad to see that you are in this child’s life. You may also be the lifeline to rescue your brother, when he can see what you see, through your work of understanding the mental health issues at the core of this.
Rune:
Thankyou so much! It really is life- changing, the place i am in. I agree with you that psychopaths, like cold blooded reptiles (crocodiles), can be so unpredictable when they strike. Often crocodiles wait for their food to come to them. I have been feeding my psychopathic teacher her narcissitic supply by telling her and EVERYONE else that all my work ..”it was all her idea..and i just do what she says “. The day it is over I’m gone!! But I am on red alert till then.
Rune:
If my brother would only come and talk to me!!
I have been giving him lots of space since that day when I “enlightened” him.
Donna & Dr. Leedom told me that he needs to come to his own conclusions about his wife. And he needs to own all of the negative feelings about her.
I cannot carry that burden for him. So, I wait.