The question was, “When can you trust your man?”
A reporter who was writing an article on the topic for a major women’s magazine asked the question. It showed up in my e-mail because I subscribe to a service that distributes questions from reporters to experts all around the world who may be able to answer them.
I knew what the reporter was looking for. She wanted succinct little tips like:
- “You can trust your man if he always shows up when he says he will, or at least calls to tell you he’ll be late.”
- “You can trust your man if he introduces you to his mother.”
- “You can trust your man if he shows you his income tax return.”
But, after being married to a sociopath, and hearing the stories of so many Lovefraud readers, I knew that these external signs may not be accurate.
The luring stage
In the beginning of a relationship, the luring stage, sociopaths can be reliable and punctual. They may seem proud to introduce you to their families. They may appear to be financially solvent.
Sociopathic individuals can appear to be deserving of respect, love and trust as long as it suits their purpose. These predators know what they are supposed to do to win over a lover. And they are capable of actually doing it—at least until they feel like they no longer need to.
Once they have their hooks set in you, they may be late—or even disappear for days or weeks with no explanation. Their families may trip over themselves to be good to you—probably because they want you to take the parasite off their hands. And they may flash cash and financial documents—cash taken from the previous partner, and documents that are forged.
So how do you know when to trust your man—or woman? Here’s my answer: You can trust your partner when you can trust yourself.
Trusting yourself
When it comes to romantic relationships, there are two dimensions to trusting yourself.
The first is your own sense of self. You know who you are, what you want, and where your boundaries are. You know that you deserve to be loved simply for being yourself. You understand that a relationship involves giving and taking by both parties, not one person doing all the giving and the other all the taking. You will not jeopardize your well-being in order to have companionship.
The second dimension is trusting your intuition. Your gut, your body, your sixth sense, will tell you when something is wrong. You must have to have enough faith in yourself that you can hear or feel the intuitive messages, and pay attention to them. We get in trouble when we allow ourselves to be talked out of what our intuition is telling us. When a person or suggestion makes us feel uncomfortable, that’s our early warning system, and we must trust ourselves enough to listen.
I responded to the magazine reporter’s inquiry. I told her than the time to trust a man is when we trust ourselves. She didn’t reply. I assume that my answer wasn’t what she wanted.
dancingnancies
Glad to hear the good news Oxy! 🙂
Kathleen Hawk
Oxy, thank heavens. Big exhale.
Ox Drover
Yea, thanks guys, it is a big exhale for me too. I was pretty sure he wouldn’t get out this time, but I WAS HOPING for a 5 year set off not a 3, so I have to make sure that I am ready to GO if he gets out next time, which he might. They are trying to empty the prisons and statistically murderers are less likely to reoffend so a lot of them do get off in 15-25 years and he is at 19 years now and will be 22 years inside when he comes up again.
I’m already starting on my campaign for December 2013–I’ve decided Ii am going to contact the victim’s family via my attorney and offer them his services (paid for by me) so that they can present an organized protest against son P’s release.
But, as a back up plan, I will continue to get ready to move if I must, paring down my “stuff” (which I am doing anyway) and decide where I want to go, whether close to here or far away. Probably won’t go very far, but just enough to cut the paper trail and make it difficult to trace where I am actually living.
geminigirl
Great news, Oxy, that you murderer son has been denied parole for 3 more years!
As you said, it gives you 3 years of breathing space, and you can at last BREATHE OUT!!
looking forward to u know what in September!
I cant write up here for long, as its 36 deg C today in Davids study, and VERY humid!you go girl!
Lotsa love,
GemXX
lesson learned
Oxy,
You’re a major strength to this blog.
I can’t say enough.
You’re an amazing inspiration to us all, for all you’ve been through, all you’ve become and all you show us in how to be.
LL
Ox Drover
Thanks guys, it is a relief, but I must admit I am somewhat disappointed it is “only” three years instead of the 5 I had hoped for. Not bashing myself or anything, but just being greedy I think! LOL
Had a good day today, went to town shopping for a few items we needed (left my phone charger in Texas so had to buy a new phone as my phone is so old they don’t even make chargers for it any more! LOL Order a new front door to replace the older one which is not so well insulated and only functions as a wind block, but might as well be blocking the doorway with a block of ice for all the stopping of cold from seeping through it does.
The SUN was shining though today and has been quite a while since we have seen the sun up here and I think I am solar operated and solar charged so enjoyed it.
Put on my new RED hat I got at an upscale department store in Dallas while I was in Texas and combed my bouncy hair and went to town like I was “sum-body.” Been experimenting with cooking new things and new dishes, and got some recipes for a kind of granola bar that I can take with me as a snack when I travel but will be nutritious and filling. Bought me a vacuum food sealer for my birthday in December before we butchered the beeves here, so I can seal up my cookie/bars air tight and freeze them so they should last a good long time. I like baking in the winter time as doesn’t heat up the house too hot, just adds to the needed heat.
Sorry you are sweating to death Gem, I know how that is in the summer here too. What is that temp in F degrees? I’m too lazy to calculate! LOL
hens
Ox Thumbs up..you sound sassy in your new red hat..
Ox Drover
Yeppers, Henry! I still keep having trouble remembering your NEW “name” everyone changing their names confuses this old lady, red hat or not!
I also went to a really cool book store when I was in Texas and had to pack an extra box to bring back on the train so now have about 25 books in the cue waiting for me to get them read, and have been so busy haven’t read much lately, too much else to do.
Learning to cook again and explore new recipes is really fun and I’m having a ball trying them out. Did great on my diet today and found a new and very filling breakfast hot cereal of oat groats (went to a health food store and bought 10 pounds of those too!) which is a more crunchy type of oats (not crushed like oat meal) so gettin’ healthy! Eating healthy and got another 3 years to get things together in case we have to move. Couldn’t be better!
jeannie812
full-out psychotic break
I gotta wonder if this is the point of where I am at. I am doubting I can be normal again. I take baby steps at taking my power back. But, those moments are fleeting. I run out of energy and drive, and get on the phone with my sister. We talk the hours away about being victims.
super chic
Oxy, I just read about the parole being denied for 3 more years.
That’s great, really glad to hear it!
xoxo